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Chapter 1 - Taster of G.E - Generation Exploration

This is a taster, i would love it if people could give me their opinion. I hope to have the full version of this published. It gets alot better further on. But i can't put that up otherwise it won't get published for sure.

Chapter 1 - Taster of G.E - Generation Exploration

Chapter 1 - Taster of G.E - Generation Exploration
Generation Exploration
 
Chapter 1: Hiroshi[/b]
 
A horrible scene it was, the world was now a mass of what looked like the contents of a red lava lamp. There was nothing else but a tiny creature, floating before it all. As the world continued its strange formation, Hiroshi wondered with panic, what was happening? He was floating. He was fear-stricken; he didn’t even know how he had got to where he was. He just felt a terrific pang inside his heart, telling him something was going terribly, terribly wrong. He turned constantly in his strange floating position, wanting to ask somebody, anybody what was going on… but no-one answered his silent prayers, nothing, nothing, nothing…
 
He was jumped out of his dream by a push. A strong push at that, like some-one had been trying for quite a while to get him listen to them, and were now quite irritated. Hiroshi sat up, dazed and tried to make sense of the figure in front of him. As his vision cleared, the form of a black gerbils face loomed in front of him.
“Why are you sleeping in my field?” The black gerbil asked.
Hiroshi blinked a few times, then jumped terrifically as a sheep-like creature nibbled his ear. Hiroshi had little time to hit the ground as he immediately wondered with extreme curiosity what breed of sheep had three sets of wings and a blue tail!
The gerbil grinned.
“Don’t yell, you’ll scare him!” He laughed as he shut Hiroshi’s gaping mouth. Hiroshi shook his head, stood and brushed himself off, and bowed at the gerbil.
“I’m sorry for intruding…” he murmured, holding his head, “I still don’t have a clue what’s going on…” Hiroshi’s mind went blank as he tried to remember what had happened before he had woken in this field. Nothing. Blank. Blank dark blackness. It scared Hiroshi that his memory seemed to be non-existent. The black gerbil smiled.
“Well, no harm done. You don’t look like you’re here to do anything naughty.” He held out a strong paw. “Midnite’s the name, science and geography is the game! Up till now anyway!” He laughed again. “I’ll soon be an explorer!”
Hiroshi rubbed his throbbing head, and just about managed to tell Midnite that his name was Hiro before passing out on the lumpy brown earth.
 
Hiroshi woke again with a jerk, annoyed this time, filled with wonder as to why he kept passing out! Another jerk sat him up, finding himself on some kind of sled, bumping and jumping with the uneven earth. Midnite grinned at him while he dragged the sled along. Hiroshi jumped with a start off the sled and grabbed Midnite by the shoulders. The gerbil continued to walk, forcing Hiroshi to lecture him while walking reluctantly on Midnite’s side.
“Are you completely nutty?! Where am I? What am I doing here? Why did you bring me?!”
Midnite laughed again at Hiroshi’s reaction.
“Chill High[/i]-roshi! It’s okay! We’re going on an adventure together!” The black gerbil beamed, “Won’t it be fun?”
That did it. Hiroshi had woken up in a field, not knowing where he was at all; met a black gerbil this very morning and when he had wanted to be left alone to try and figure out what was going on, this lunatic had gone on some crazed-hike taking Hiroshi along with him! Hiroshi tightened his grip on the gerbil’s shoulders, his face becoming more serious.
“Look. You’ve obviously got some wires unplugged up there. That’s fine… not a problem. You go on a trek to ‘nowheres-ville’. But you will give me a map, a little water and food, and point me in the direction of that place I was before; so I can think this whole wild chain of events through. I will not go on some random march to the end of the earth, with some-one who is completely stupid and I-“
Midnite looked rather hurt at all of this, but at the same time, his face was suddenly deadly serious. Hiroshi stopped in mid-sentence and looked at him. Midnite sighed.
“Okay. Truth-time. I didn’t drag you along with me because I wanted to neither did I drag you along with me to spite you. I would have left you sleeping under that tree where I first layed you. But some of the villagers have been edgy…”
“What's that got to do with me-“
“They’ve been on edge because of a certain legend that has come to pass again. It’s that hundred year time again, marking the so called ‘could-be-the-end-of-the-world-again’ thing.”
Hiroshi’s eyes widened. He forgot completely about sorting his thoughts out back at the village and stared at Midnite. He must have looked gormless because the black gerbil twigged that Hiroshi didn’t understand.
“You mean you don’t know the legend?” Midnite questioned, astounded, “But everyone [/i]knows the legend! Maybe if I tell you a few lines, it’ll jog your memory…” Midnite cleared his throat.
“A hundred year mark, darkness will fall,[/i]
An omen will appear, a wicked one to mark.[/i]
The purest evil of death will appear true,[/i]
In the form of a creature you all thought you knew.[/i]
Then a battle, oh a great battle, will flare up and rage,[/i]
It will lock up all life in an unopenable cage.”[/i]
Midnite looked at Hiroshi and put his head to one side. Hiroshi didn’t have a clue what Midnite was on about. Midnite’s eyes squinted.
“Who are [/i]you?” He asked.
 
Unfortunately, Hiroshi had no chance to answer the question as bright flash blinded them suddenly, causing them to fall to the floor.
Through his watering eyes, Hiroshi could see a figure, long and lean, hold up some kind of weapon…

All characters in this chapter  and the storyline are strictly (c) to me, Bisutoboto16. They are my pride and joy and also the result of six years hard work with me and my friend. Please don't steal them or the storyline.

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Midniterocks on December 29, 2006, 2:42:04 AM

Midniterocks on
MidniterocksI recieved the story by e-mail just to let you know I'll look at it l8r but I still gots other stuffs to do c yas!

Chinchilla-Chan on December 21, 2006, 11:29:04 AM

Chinchilla-Chan on
Chinchilla-ChanOkay, I read it. 8U I'm such a great friend. *shot*
 
Anyway, I'm not sure if this was just a sample or something, but I'll add some crit to help you. :3 Writing is fuuuuun.
 
1. Always double check your spelling and grammar. It wasn't the biggest deal, but some things were like 'pang' for pain. Although, I shouldn't talk about spelling errors. Lawl.
 
2. Spacing. Everything is all lumped together and makes it harder to read. On the interweb, when posting stories, you should double space between paragraphs. Makes things nice and neat. :3
 
3. Describe things! x3 As soon as you posted that 'And here's a picture in case you were wondering what they looked like' thing, I went 'Oh no' right away. In stories, you're not always going to have that 'lookatthepicturelawl' ace card, so you should ALWAYS describe your characters. Even with the picture, I couldn't bring up a mental image very well. Just that they were gerbils. ):
 
Also describe the setting more. I got the basics, field and whatnot. But what kinda field? What's in the field? Is it night or day? Etc, etc.
 
4. Rushing and whatnot. Was this a whole chapter? If so, it was really short and it just seemed rushed. Part, if not all, had to do with the fact that you didn't describe a whole lot. See, describing isn't just for helping people see what you want us to, but it also adds meat to the story. That way we aren't jumping from one place to the other. So much happened here and I'm still trying to sort it out in my head. XD;
 
lawl, so yeah. It was interesting. :3 If you work on those things I talked about, I'm sure it will be even better. Best of luck to you. <33

Bisutoboto16 on December 23, 2006, 3:07:47 AM

Bisutoboto16 on
Bisutoboto16Thank you, really, i hate it when people say its perfect. Everything can be improved. I'll work on it and i'll probably not repost it since a publishing company said they were interested in it. Tanks again :D

Chinchilla-Chan on December 29, 2006, 1:42:15 AM

Chinchilla-Chan on
Chinchilla-Chann.n

Yumiko_Ying_Vinnie on December 21, 2006, 5:45:27 PM

Yumiko_Ying_Vinnie on
Yumiko_Ying_VinnieI think it was a great story,really.You are a talented artist and a talented writter as well.Once again I think I am going to fav you!!
Keep up the fantastic work!!You are awesome!!
:)

MunkiDiLuffi on December 21, 2006, 8:04:00 AM

MunkiDiLuffi on
MunkiDiLuffikoooooooooool!*faves*

Bisutoboto16 on December 20, 2006, 6:54:31 AM

Bisutoboto16 on
Bisutoboto16For some reason the italics have gone weird. the italics at the top say: Chapter 1: Hiroshi
and the italics further down say the lengend:
“A hundred year mark, darkness will fall,
An omen will appear, a wicked one to mark.
The purest evil of death will appear true,
In the form of a creature you all thought you knew.
Then a battle, oh a great battle, will flare up and rage,
It will lock up all life in an unopenable cage.”
Okay. Hope that cleared stuff up.