“H-Her b-boyfriend??” Kenjiro blubbered as his jaw and heart dropped alike, the croquette falling from his mouth and dropping down to the bento that rested on his desk below.

“I confirmed it with one of the girls from my chemistry class,” Arashi looked down on Kenjiro who sat at his desk, a pair of unevenly split, wooden chopsticks in hand raised to his gaping mouth. “His name is Kitagawa. You didn’t recognize him because he goes to another school. They apparently hooked up over the break.”

Kenjiro sat there with his lunch, flabbergasted. For certain, he now had no chance. He supposed that it wasn’t particularly surprising. Masami was an attractive, kind young woman. It was only a matter of time before she escaped his fantasies and moved on with her own life. He supposed that it was just a natural part of high school, to be rejected without any words being spoken. He supposed that it was merely a process of elimination, and that he was doomed to be ruled out from the start. He supposed that it was all inevitable, and thus not worth sorrowing over.


At least, that’s what he supposed.


“He’s…really going out with Hata-san?” he asked again, placing his chopsticks onto his desk.

“Sure is. He’s the son of a wealthy doctor, and he’s quite skilled at both sports and academics,” Arashi went on in his explanation with some slight reluctance in his expression, wondering if he really should’ve been telling his friend all of this. “I don’t really know how they got together. You can ask Hata-chan herself, if you want.” He pointed over to the near the back of the room, where Masami and one of her friends were talking and having eating their lunch.

“N-no that’s okay!” Kenjiro responded quickly as he turned away and looked off to the window. Arashi looked at Kenjiro for a moment curiously, and then heaved a large, sarcastic sigh.

“I hope you don’t get all depressed about this,” Arashi spoke, folding his arms over his partially exposed chest.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” Kenjiro assured, still staring out the large window at the right of the classroom. He could vaguely make out all of the other students enjoying their meals in the company of their friends through the window’s vague reflection.

“That’s not what I meant,” Arashi deepened his tone.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kenjiro asked with a touch of distemper in his voice as he turned his head to look back up at him.

“I mean…” Arashi began, unfolding his arms and pointing an accusing finger at Kenjiro’s nose. “You have no right to grieve over losing something that you’ve never even had!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kenjiro questioned, the annoyance in his voice growing more apparent.

“You keep talking about how beautiful she is. About how kind and generous she is. About how smart she is. About how much you like her,” Arashi ranted, abnormally stretching out his vowels as he spoke.

“So what’s your point?” Kenjiro asked, the impatience in his punctuation now entirely obvious, his eyebrows arched downward and face growing red in upset and embarrassment.

“Have you said any of things thing to her, instead of behind her back?” Arashi gave his final blow. Kenjiro continued to look up at him for a moment, his teeth and fists clenched angrily. Then he puts his arms aside and turned forward, clicking his tongue.

“It’s…it’s not that simple, okay?” Kenjiro responded irritably at Arashi’s bluntness.

“Or maybe you’re just making it too complicated,” Arashi pressed on, putting his hands down on Kenjiro’s desk and leaning forward. “You spent our entire first year of high school just talking about her, and fantasizing about her, and watching her from afar. That’s all you did. You hardly ever spoke to her, much less tell her how you feel about her! Haven’t you ever wanted to ask her about her interests, instead of just figuring it out by watching her like some weird stalker?”

“Leave me alone,” Kenjiro spoke, turned to the window once more, ignoring him. Arashi stood there in silence briefly, then got up from the desk and put his hands in his pockets.

“So that’s how it’s gonna be, is it?” Arashi asked, his voice returned to its calm, collected tone. “Suit yourself.” Kenjiro looked away from the window to see Arashi turning his back to him and facing the back of the room. Arashi then slowly took his right hand out of his pocket and raised it into the air. Kenjiro watched his strange actions, puzzled. Arashi cleared his throat and took in a deep breath.

“HATA-SA~N!” he called out blatantly, waving his arm rapidly through the air. “Kenjiro has something that he would like to say to you~!” Kenjiro quickly stood up from his desk and jumped onto Arashi, putting his hands over his mouth from behind.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” he whispered angrily into the back of Arashi’s neck, clasping his lips.

“I was just trying to give you some motivation,” Arashi defended himself in muffled words, trying to get Kenjiro’s clutches off of his face.

“Motivation my a—” Kenjiro stopped himself as he looked up to see Masami, standing in front of the two with a curious face. Kenjiro quickly got off of Arashi’s back. Free from his restraint, Arashi began to walk off.

“I guess I’ll leave you two alone,” Arashi spoke as he passed Masami by and over to the other side of the classroom, leaving Kenjiro standing there before her, never before in a situation quite as awkward or embarrassing as this one.

“You wanted to tell me something?” Hata smiled cutely at poor Kenjiro, who stood in front of her, never more nervous in his life. He had no idea what to do. He was never very good with thinking on his feet. In fact, just thinking in general was a difficult enough task for him. But this was simply unbearable.

“I…I…” Kenjiro forced words to come out of his jittering mouth. Well, letters actually. He took a big gulp, a drop of sweat running down his neck as the liquid ran down his contracting throat. “I…wanted to say…” Masami watched curiously as he contorted in agony. “….n-….nothing. I wanted to say nothing.”

“Oh…okay,” Masami responded, giving him another puzzled look and then walking across the room, taking her seat next to her friend. “That was a bit strange.” She grabbed the chopsticks from her desk and picked up a piece of pickled radish. “I’ve never seen Toyoda-san act so abnormally before.” She took a bite of the vegetable as her friend looked over to Kenjiro, who stood there on the floor, his back leaned against his desk with his head hung down in defeat.

“I’ll be back in a sec. I’m gonna go ask him something,” Masami’s friend got up from her chair and walked over to him, Masami looking at her with the same look as the one she had given Kenjiro.

Kenjiro lifted his head upwards to see a girl approaching him. She had long, black hair that swept over her back and a gentle smile on her face. He stood up straight at the sight of her advance and quickly wiped the sweat off of his neck with the back of his fingers.

“G-good afternoon, Sasaki-san,” Kenjiro greeted her, still a bit nervous as shown in his shaky articulation. She stepped right up to him, putting her face only inches from his. He began to tremble apprehensively, his face turning red recurrently. Her smile widened as she looked directly at him.

“You’re in love with Masami-chan, right?” she asked him tactlessly.
Kenjiro nearly jumped out of his shoes. He staggered back, his back hitting the back of his desk and then stumbled back forward. He then recomposed himself and looked back up to her, his mouth open and quivering as though he wanted to say something, but was unable to.

“W-wh-wh-what?” Kenjiro sputtered after the he had finished his somewhat dramatic reaction to the girl’s question.

“Don’t worry, she doesn’t know,” she reassured, continuing to smile innocently at him as he looked back at her, shocked and bewildered. She took a couple of steps back to give him some room to breathe. “So I guess Shikidouji-san told you about her new boyfriend? It must be hard on you.”

“Wh…when did it happen?” Kenjiro reluctantly asked her, trying to avoid eye contact.

“You mean, when did they start going out?” she asked, tilting her head back and putting her index finger at the edge of her small chin. “I’m not sure, really. She doesn’t talk too much about him, which is weird, since all she ever used to talk about was having a boyfriend. If I ask about him, she’ll just repeat stuff I’ve already heard like how handsome he is, or how sweet he is and stuff like that.”

“I see…” Kenjiro responded without emphasis, looking off to the side. “So I guess there’s no hope for me, right? Not that there ever was.” The girl then took a hold of Kenjiro’s face, putting her hands onto his cheeks, and forcing it forward so that they faced each other. Kenjiro blushed as she stared directly into his doubtful eyes that lay beneath his thick, round glasses.

“You never know,” she stated, giving him a smile and then taking her arms back down, putting them behind her back. She then gave him a slight wave goodbye and trotted back over to where Masami sat. He watched at what looked like Masami asking her friend about their conversation. He then looked to Arashi, who stood smiling, leaned against the wall behind the door with crossed arms. He turned around and looked back out the large window, under the top frame of which he could see the sun’s edge as it made its slow descend down the sky.


Was there really hope for him?


…


The sky was cast into an orange-blue gradient as the sun set behind the buildings in the horizon. Grey clouds drifted above and swept shadows over the grassy hill on which Kenjiro stood as he looked down onto the sidewalk below. Night was approaching, and she had still not yet come by. He figured that maybe it was time he went home. If she didn’t come by now, she probably never would. But as he turned around to head back down from the hill’s summit, his foot slipped and caused him to lose his balance. Before he had time to try to regain it, he had already fallen back and was now rolling down the hillside. He landed, face flat on the hard sidewalk, moaning in pain.

“Are you alright?” he heard a voice ask from above. He looked up, his body laying face down on the ground, and saw Masami looking down at him with concern. He hastily got back up to his feet and brushed the dirt off of his uniform.

“D-don’t worry! I’m fine!” he responded, trying to give her the best smile he could with his scratched face.

“Your glasses are cracked,” she pointed out, her eyes still liberal with concern. Kenjiro looked down to see a small crack at the bottom of one of his lenses.

“Oh, it’s fine! I’ll just take them to be repaired tomorrow! It’s no big deal!” he spoke quite anxiously, his words rushed from his nervousness. He began to wonder if she was able to understand anything he had just said. “So…um…” Kenjiro took a big gulp. “…why isn’t your boyfriend walking you home?”

“He’s busy, so he didn’t have time today,” Masami replied as her expression suddenly soured, her eyes looking to the ground, her face being overtaken somehow with sadness. “I waited for him in front of the school, but he didn’t call me until a few minutes ago…”

“I-I’m sorry. Did something happen?” Kenjiro asked her with worry. He had never seen her look like as such before, other than the previous day.

“Oh, no! It’s nothing! He just had to help his father out at the hospital where he works, is all,” she responded as she seemed to force a smile onto her face. “Is that what you and Sasaki-san were talking about earlier today? Was she telling you about Kitagawa-san?”

“No! Not at all! Nothing like that, I swear!” Kenjiro defended himself without thinking.

“I see,” Masami spoke as the sadness dissipated from her face. She then began to walk forth, passing him by. “Well, I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow. Bye, Toyoda-san!”

“B-Bye, Hata-san,” he replied as he watched her walk off down the sidewalk. “Is this how things were going to be for the rest of the year?” Kenjiro thought to himself as she walked further and further away. “Just this? Am I really satisfied with just this? Can I really say that I’ll be happy for the remainder of my 11th year if this is the best I can do?”


He was going to give it his best shot, no matter what.


“Hata-san?” Kenjiro called out to her. She stopped in her tracks and turned to look back at Kenjiro who stood on the sidewalk.

“Yes? What is it?” Masami asked, smiling pleasantly.

“When I told you, earlier today, that I had nothing to say to you…” Kenjiro began, sweat beginning to slip down his neck and forehead. “…that was a lie.”

“What are you talking about?” she questioned him, oblivious to what was going on.

“And…what I said just now…about us not talking about your boyfriend,” Kenjiro strained his voice to keep going. “…that was a lie, too. I already knew about your boyfriend from Arashi-kun. I asked him to find out for me.”

“Why…would you do something like that?” Masami asked of him, now seeming a little distressed. Kenjiro clutched his hands at his sides into fists, clenching them as hard as he could.

“It’s because…” Kenjiro struggled to keep talking. His heart was now pounding violently, and he could barely hear his own words over its throbbing. His sweat was cold and his muscles were tense. Even if it meant killing him, he would finish this sentence. “It’s because…I…I…” Kenjiro shut his eyes and inhaled deeply.


“I love you.”