Iruka: Welcome to cooking class! Here we teach you how to make gourmet foods from ordinary, normally inedible things like leaves, dirt, poisonous insects, and Wendy’s burgers.

Naruto: Kakashi, why are we taking a cooking class?

Kakashi: You never know when you might need to know how to cook! This one time, me and Iruka were on this mission, and the enemy was torturing us through starvation, and all they gave us to eat were these poisonous mushrooms, so I had to—

Iruka: BULLSH*T KAKASHI! WE NEVER WENT ON A MISSION LIKE THAT!

Kakashi: *sniffle* Why aren’t you ever nice to me anymore? I feel like we’ve drifted apart so much…Can’t we go back to the way it used to be?

Iruka: I can never go back! Not after those fanfics I’ve read!

Naruto: Oh, how bad could they be?

Iruka: I read one that involved a plunger.

Sakura: Hey, that’s the one I wrote!

Iruka: o_o

Sakura:…um…a review on…

Ino: Hey, this fish is turning out pretty good!

Kisame: MURDERER!!!!

Kiba: Hinata, why is this sandwich crunchy?

Hinata: I never put anything crunchy in it...

Shino: Has anyone seen Joey?

Naruto: Stupid fire won’t light.

Sasuke: FIREBALL JUTSU! *blows flame*

Naruto: AAGH!! YOU SET MY HAIR ON FIRE, YOU MORON!

Sasuke: Yeah, I know.

Rock Lee: I SHALL PREPARE A ROMANTIC GOURMET MEAL FOR SAKU-CHAN! AND THEN SHE WILL LOVE ME! ISN’T THAT RIGHT, SAKU-CHAN??

Sakura: Piss off, Lee.

Rock Lee: OKAY! *unzips suit*

Sasuke: *covers eyes* FOR GOD’S SAKE, WE’RE IN COMPANY, HERE!!

Rock Lee: MY APOLOGIES! WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO TAKE A PICTURE??

Hinata: My camera’s full of pictures of Naruto showeri—I mean, butterflies.

Gaara: Hey, wanna learn how to make Gaara’s Happy Cake?

Naruto: How do you make it?

Gaara: Well, you need flour, eggs, butter, sugar, cinnamon, poison…

Naruto: What was that last one?

Gaara:…cinnamon.

Ino: Shikamaru, you’re supposed to be cooking!

Shikamaru: Cooking’s a drag. I’d rather sleep.

Ino: And why do you smell like rancid milk??

Shikamaru: Bathing’s a drag.

Ino: And Chouji, where are your ingredients??

Chouji: Um…I lost them…in a tornado…

Naruto: MY HAIR’S ON FIRE! SOMEONE PUT IT OUT!!!

Shikamaru: Too much of a drag. *Zzzz*

Orochimaru: BUUUURRRRNNN!!!

Rock Lee: HERE YOU ARE SAKU-CHAN!! MY TOKEN OF LOVE!!

Sakura:…what is it?

Rock Lee: CAN YOU NOT TELL?? IT IS A FISHSTICK!

Sakura: Where did you get the fish?

Naruto: Has anyone seen Kisame?

Sakura: o_o

Kisame: I’m right here.

Sakura: Oh.

Naruto: What is it?

Sakura: I just thought that maybe…

Naruto: What, you thought Rock Lee would actually kill Kisame so that he could make him into fish sticks?? That’s just gross. You are SO sick minded.

Sasuke: This from the guy who invented sexy jutsu.

Naruto: THIS FROM THE GUY WHO’S A MAN-WHORE!!

Sai: I thought I was the man-whore!

Naruto: PUH-LEASE. You can’t even compete!

Sai: I’LL SHOW YOU! I’LL SHOW YOU ALL!!!! *runs out of room*

Hinata: (I wish Naruto was a man-whore…)

Iruka: Very good pea soup, Kiba!

Kiba: Thank you! I have a lot more where that came from!

Sasuke: Ew.

Hinata: Sai, could you hand me that hot dog? I’m making a nude sculpture of Naruto out of food.

Sakura:…-_- what do you need the hot dog for?

Hinata: o///o What?? His finger, of course!

Sai:…oh. His finger?

Hinata: Yeah, why?

Sai: Nothing, nothing. *tosses out Vienna sausage*

Ino: AAUGH!! THE FISH’S ON FIRE! SHIKAMARU, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CHECK THE HEAT!!

Shikamaru: Checking the heat is a drag.

Orochimaru: BUUUURRRNNN!!!

Ino: OROCHIMARU, STOP ADDING MATCHES TO THE FLAME!!

Tenten: BUUURRRNNN!!!

Neji:…what’re you doing?

Tenten: I’m…uh…trying out different catchphrases?

Neji: Well, stop it. You suck.

Orochimaru: BUUURRRRNNN!!!

Neji: Thank you, Orochimaru.

Naruto: Don’t worry! I’LL take care of the fire! KISAME, I CHOOSE YOU! *throws pokeball. Kisame appears*

Kisame: KISAME!

Naruto: KISAME, USE WATER GUN!!

Kisame: KISAME! *Spits out water onto fire. Fire becomes larger*

Sasuke: This isn’t water! IT’S GATORADE!!

Naruto: BAD KISAME! NO POKEFOOD FOR YOU TONIGHT!

Kisame: Kisame…

Chouji: I’LL PUT IT OUT BY ROLLING OVER IT!! BAIKA NO JUTSU! *Rolls over fire. Turns into giant fireball. Starts chasing others*

Ino: CHOUJI YOU IDIOT!! SHIKAMARU, SAVE US WITH YOUR KAGEMANE!!!

Shikamaru: Saving lives is a drag…*Zzz*

Tenten: I’LL SAVE US WITH MY NEW CATCHPHRASE! SUPER KUNG FU KICK!!! *Kicks Chouji. Chouji stops and returns to normal*

Chouji: @_@ Ugh…

Ino: HOORAY!

Naruto: Thanks for saving us, Rock Lee!

Tenten: WHAT!?!?

Rock Lee: Saving you? But I didn’t—

Sakura: Thanks for saving us, Lee!

Rock Lee: ANYTHING TO PROVE MY UNDYING LOVE TO YOU, SAKU-CHAN!!!

Tenten: Piss off, Rock Lee!

Tsunade: THAT’S MINE! *punches Tenten*

Tenten: Ha! Didn’t kill me!

Gaara: Hey, Tenten, want some of Gaara’s Happy Cake?

Shino: Anyone want some of Shino’s Happy Cake??

Joey: Bzz.

Shino: Oh, right. OUR Happy Cake.

Naruto: Here you go Kakashi-sensei! *hands sandwich*

Kakashi: *PPHHHT!* WHAT IS THIS??

Naruto: A ramen sandwich.

Sakura: *PPHHHFFFTT!!* NARUTO, WHAT’S IN THIS MUFFIN YOU GAVE ME!?

Naruto: Ramen.

Sasuke: *PPHHHFFFT!!* NARUTO, WHAT’S IN THIS COFFEE YOU GAVE ME!?

Naruto: Ramen.

Ino: *PPHHFFTT!!!* NARUTO, WHAT’S IN THIS RAMEN YOU GAVE ME!?

Naruto: Gaara’s Happy Cake.

Ino: ERK! x_x

Tenten: HOLY CRAP, SHE’S DEAD!

Sakura: *punches Tenten* *ahem* HOLY CRAP, SHE’S DEAD!

Everyone:…

Sakura: I SAID, she’s dead!

Everyone:…

Sakura: -_-*

Tsunade: FINE, FINE. *revives with medical ninjutsu*

Ino: I’M ALIVE!! *gets smacked in the back of the head with a hot dog*

Hinata: Whoops! (Heh, heh…)

Ino: Look at the fish!! *picks up burnt fish* It’s so shriveled and tiny!

Tenten: Right, just like Naruto’s penis.

Sakura: *gasp* TENTEN! YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!

Sasuke: Yeah! I thought you were a LADY.

Naruto: I…I feel so violated…

Sai: There, there, Naruto. It’s okay. *pats back*

Tenten: OH, YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL!! I’M JUST TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF MORE POPULAR!!!

Shino: You can use Joey’s catchphrase. He won’t mind.

Tenten: Bzz.

Shino: WELL, I NEVER! C’MON, JOEY! WE DON’T NEED TO TAKE THIS KIND OF TALK! *leaves*

Tenten: -_-

Kakashi: These kids need to learn fire safety! Sound like a job…FOR CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!! *spins around quickly* HELLO, KIDS! IT IS ME! YOUR CHERISHED HERO, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! I’M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT FIRE IS HOT!

Naruto: Go away, Kakashi.

Kakashi: *gasp* HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME!? I’M WEARING A MASK!!

Naruto: YOU ALWAYS WEAR A MASK!!!

Kakashi: Oh, yeah…I like your attention to detail! How about you become my sidekick and fight crime as…OBSERVANT BOY!

Naruto:…no. I’d rather take off my clothes and run through the streets saying “I’M HERE AND I’M QUEER!”

Hinata: DEAL!!!

Naruto:…I was joking, Hinata.

Hinata: Oh. Right…

Rock Lee: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO THAT, SAKU-CHAN??

Sakura: Get bent.

Rock Lee: OKAY! *bends self backwards* DOES THIS POSE SATISFY YOU, SAKU-CHAN??

Sakura:…sure.

Kiba: That’s nothing! Learn to roll over, and then we’ll talk.

Chouji: Want me to roll over?

Everyone: NO.

Iruka: YOU’RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE COOKING!!! STOP MESSING AROUND!!!

Kakashi: Oh, stop it. Or I’ll read you more yaoi fanfics.

Iruka: YOU CAN’T SCARE ME WITH THOSE!!

Kakashi: These are HINDAN+KAKUZU!!!

Iruka: o_o AUUGH! PUT IT AWAY!! ALRIGHT! FINE! CLASS DISMISSED!!!

Rock Lee: But I never got to use my Super Kung Fu Kick!

Konohamaru: I smelled smoke. Is everyone okay?

Rock Lee: HOORAY! *kicks Konohamaru*

Konohamaru: MY URINE! MY PRECIOUS URINE!!!

Rock Lee: DOES BEATING UP TERMINALLY ILL CHILDREN NOT MAKE YOU BURN WITH PASSION FOR ME, SAKU-CHAN??

Sakura: Actually…

Naruto: I never got to have any ramen…

Shino: Here. Have some of my Happy Ramen.

Naruto:…there’s a fly in it.

Shino: Why thank you!

Kisame: KISAME!

Naruto: GET BACK IN YOUR POKEBALL!!!

Tenten: I couldn’t come up with an original catchphrase…

Kiba: You could always pee on Sasuke’s shoe. Of course, I’ve been using some more artistic methods as of late.

Sasuke: Why is there a stain on my shirt in the shape of a doggy treat?

Kiba: Oops! Forgot to sign it! *unzips pants*

Sasuke: GET THE F**K AWAY!!

Tsunade: Why are you even teaching cooking class, Iruka?

Iruka: Oh, I’m not the teacher. I’m just here to make sure nobody dies.

Neji:…shouldn’t…have eaten…Happy Cake…

Tsunade: WHAT?? THEN WHO WAS THE TEACHER??

*elsewhere*

Deidara: WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE!? I TOLD KISAME TO BRING EVERYONE TO THE AKATSUKI BASE FOR COOKING CLASS!!

Tobi: TOBI’S A GOOD BOY! TOBI MADE DEIDARA-SENPAI PANCAKES!!!

Deidara:…Tobi, these are waffles.

Tobi: WANT SYRUP?? *pours bottle of ketchup*