Comments for Story #21210urn:uuid:27fe45a8-8530-956d-c8a2-a68e067db2d0Comment by Crystal562005-10-05T15:50:42-07:00
Few things:
"The cards have released again," Syaoran said. should be
"The cards have been released again." Stupid english rules...
Note on Meling X Syaoran marraige. Have you seen the second movie? In CCS 2 Meling gives up her engagement to Sakura, stating (what I could discern from bad subtitles) that she only wants Syaoran to be happy. Just FYI.
You don't have to change that though, because fanfiction isn't about what really happened sometimes is it? LOL.
It's okay the way you have it though, just telling you as an interesting fact...*bows* SORRY! Don't get mad at me!
Either way though, good chapter!
I really enjoyed this story. Teh story is going on my favs. Seriously, this has great potential!
Squeeeeee! Cute!]]>Comment by Crystal562005-10-05T15:43:26-07:00
Don't be mad at me!!!!!
Please. *sighs* I'm no good at this.
Critique:
Grammar side:
When Kero first speaks, it's a question first, exclamation second. "!?" does work at times like this.
*Its "all right" not "alright". I'm bad with that one too, don't worry.
Plotwise
When she's wondering where people are, when she asks, "Syaoran, Syaoran?" you could add "Where are you?"
Tee hee, you have her have to find them all again. That's great. Poor Sakura-chan. She never catches a break.]]>Comment by Crystal562005-10-05T15:34:51-07:00
A few things though:
When you said "pail face" I think you meant "pale face".
And as a suggestion, have the wind whisper something. It may sound a little creepy but it gives the added effect at times a little hint as to what the plot may be. The beginning paragraphs set up a majority of the story after all.
Or not. For this story it really works either way.
Well, you wanted a critique, so there's chapter one! *bows* Sorry if I was mean. I don't mean to be.]]>