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Catfight 2: Kalashnikov Kawaii

Catfight 2: Kalashnikov Kawaii

Catfight 2: Kalashnikov Kawaii by TeeJay87
Catfight 2: Kalashnikov Kawaii by TeeJay87


Having developed relationships with their Pussycat girlfriends, Stan and Ian decided to show Penelope, Mona and Delilah their Polish homeland through a trip planned on two axis: between Szczecin and Ustrzyki Dolne and between Suwałki and Krosno. The queens found land of their tomcats as fairly enjoyable, except Łódź (which turned out to be a den of leftists, similar to San Freakcisco) and Warsaw (due to unfriendly locals, awful drivers and messed-up architecture). Suwałki seemed quite a nice place, just located a bit too close to Russian Kaliningrad.

The cats found newly-opened hotel, located not far from Augustów Forests, known as "the Green Lungs of Poland". They didn't know, that one of rooms in the same hotel was occupied by Olga Salotchkinaya, sent from Moscow through Kaliningrad to find out the best way of robbing us, Poles, from coal located in seams beneath the Augustów Forest. The plot was as flawed as sinister, because Olga's equipment was limited to one made-in-China pick ax, two bottles of Stolichnaya vodka, and her personal firearm - AK47 with pink wooden parts adorned with portrait of Olga's favorite character from anime - Hello Kitty.

It didn't take Olga much time to notice, that other members of cat folk lodged rooms in the hotel - she spotted three female "Pindos" with better body shapes than hers and two similar-looking male "Psheks" Olga found attractive due to their musculature. Igor has more lard in belly, Volodya is too slim and Mitya (Olga's husband) doesn't even look masculine enough, but those two sons of Polish soil really look like alpha males. Olga immediately forgot, that she blindly hates everyone and everything related to Poland - perspective of two new lovers veiled part of her national prejudice. Instead of robbing Vistulan Land from coal, Commissar Salotchkinaya decided to rob three Americans from their lives and males.

Penelope, Mona and Stan took one available room on third floor of the hotel, while Delilah and Ian picked the room on the opposite side of the corridor. It was past 9:00 PM. Having caught severe cold, Penny had to rest in bed, while Mona and Stan were watching local news on TV before going to sleep. Olga decided she'd first kill those "Pindos" with huge blue eyes and turn their common male into bondage toy. Being done with him, she would do the same with third "Pindos" and second "Pshek" in another room. Three Americans killed and two Poles humiliated - Admiral Popov would definitely forget about the failed plan of robbing Polish coal ! Instead consequences, Olga wound obtain another medal to her collection.

Russian Blue commissar entered the room occupied by Stan and Pussycats in typical Russian manner - first she kicked the door and struck the stock of her Kawaii Kalashnikov on door's remnants. Olga expected the inhabitants of the room to be sleeping - all she saw was one "Pindos" sleeping and another one sitting on couch with "Pshek".
Mona and Stan saw Russian burglar waving with silly adorned AK47 and yelling in botched English slurs about Mona's American homeland mixed with calls to hand over Stan. Drunk meatball was approaching with the gun towards the couch, yelling the same slurs.
When Olga came close enough, Mona kicked the rifle from Olga's hands and jumped at her with prepared claws. The hand-to-hand combat lasted maybe one minute, when Olga, having scratches all around her body, started to beg Mona for mercy in Russian and English. Stan managed to fetch the gun, it turned out its magazine was empty. Mona didn't even get single scratch from the aggressor, which isn't much surprising - American paratroopers have always been performing better in melee combat than Chekists.

Due to her good nature, Mona promised to spare Olga on the condition the Russian Blue would keep away from Stan and Ian. Feline commissar didn't even dare to bother Delilah and Ian; instead, she abandoned Poland without her equipment, but with wounds on her body and pride. Even nowadays, other Chekists in Moscow mock Olga for her lack of skills and competence. Admiral Popov was considering to demote Olga for such a failure, but instead, he sent Olga to the part of Great-Rus Empire known as Chechnya - full of radical ISIS-like Muslim population, where locals are known to abuse women rights and hate Russians with passion. Such passion, that only few Russians, who come to Chechnya, return back home alive.

As for our heroes - Penelope recovered from cold the next day after incident with Olga. Delilah and Ian woke up, when they heard noises from the opposite room, but having reached it, Russian Blue was already begging Mona for mercy on her knees. The rest of trip around Poland was free from such adventures.


Follow-up of , the whole story behind this picture is described above. Stan is gentleman, which means he won't hit any female - having such girlfriends like Mona or Penny, he doesn't really have to worry about female opponents.

Mona doesn't use such foul words normally - imagine, how would you feel, if someone dared to disturb peace of your home or hotel room you're hiring and that person disturbed you in the same way Olga disturbed Stan and Mona. I'm sure you wouldn't be impressed - so is Mona, thus she's repeating famous quote by Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket.

The idea of Hello Kitty AK47 isn't supposed to attack fans of anime and manga as themselves - I've developed it from hypocrisy performed by Russian communists:

- they claim they fight capitalism for the glory of their homeland;

- Russia has ongoing conflict with Japan for Sakhalin island;

- yet those fans of Stalin don't see obstacles in enjoying fine products of Japanese capitalism - anime and manga. 

In short - according to Russian communists, Japan is twice-minus-bad, but stuff from the same Japan is twice-plus-good. Sounds silly ? Sadly it's their modus operandi. Not the peak of hypocrisy, but still on such scale it deserves good chuckle.

Notice Olga is wearing Great-Rus and RONA emblems on her outfit, while Mona's nightwear has the same wz.93 pattern like Stan's shorts. Stan is saying the same quote in Polish and English - I've gone for direct translation, hence it may sound clumsy.

Mona belongs to PAWS Inc.
Stanisław Zaleski and Olga Salotchkinaya belong to me.

General Info

General Info

Category Cartoons » Crossovers
Date Submitted
Views 2231
Favorites... 4
Vote Score 6
Comments 16
Media Digital drawing or painting
Time Taken Haven't checked


Comments (16)

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FoxyFlapper on April 27, 2017, 2:40:18 PM

FoxyFlapper on
FoxyFlapperAwesome story behind the art!

TeeJay87 on April 27, 2017, 11:26:21 PM

TeeJay87 on
TeeJay87Thank you - it's based on actual sentiments Putin's electorate has been performing towards people from our nations:

- Russians have been trying to conquer my homeland since 1587, when Ivan the Terrible (the same, who murdered his infant son in cradle) made up their imperialist policy, but they never succeeded without help from outside (Germans had to help them in 1795 and 1939). 430 years have passed and Moscovians still demand Polish territory and consider us, Poles, as worse kind of people (thus they call us "People from Vistulan Land", denying our national identity) ;

- as for their anti-American sentiment, it stems from jealousy and fear - Russians have much lower gross domestic product than you do (1 560 706 USD for Russia against 19 417 144 USD for the USA ) and they fear your military power with good reasons (your firearms have two times greater effective range than Russian ones; Russian tanks have weaker guns, armor and optics than M1 Abrams; their aircraft isn't a match for your fighter planes and bombers, not to mention their soldiers being poorly trained).

Perhaps you remember the 2014 incident, when Russians made laser show around the US embassy in Moscow, where Barack Obama was depicted as monkey eating bananas - as much as I disagree with Obama's policy, it can't be denied that Moscovians went too far with such mockery.

AntiSJWSaint on July 4, 2016, 2:20:29 AM

AntiSJWSaint on

Though to be fair, such hideous looking, obnoxious swamp donkey SJW cult members like Olga are far more common in the most liberal parts of America (California, NYC, etc.) and Western Europe (UK, France, Belgium, etc.) than in Russia. I imagine Olga was born in the liberal-dominated area of America and then moved to Russia (where her parents left to the US in search for a better life) believing it's still commie, even though it isn't anymore. XD Hahaha

TeeJay87 on July 4, 2016, 3:36:04 AM

TeeJay87 on
TeeJay87Olga was indeed born in San Francisco as child of Soviet spies operating there - when she was a kitten, her parents were called back to Moscow by KGB command. Before coming back to her Russian homeland, Olga managed to inhale the same leftist culture you can find between San Francisco, Los Angeles, Oakland, Redwood City and San Diego.

As a result, she grew into merger of Stalinism and rotten Western left-wing liberalism, not fully accepted anywhere - other Russians (justly) consider her as corrupted by Western culture they despise so much, while SJWs and other Western leftists don't trust her as Russian. Decent folks like Mona and Stan have own reasons to dislike Olga. ;)

colt91 on May 26, 2016, 5:45:37 PM

colt91 on
colt91Great job with the story.

TeeJay87 on May 27, 2016, 4:19:27 AM

TeeJay87 on
TeeJay87Thanks, glad you like it.

Saltwater on May 23, 2016, 4:59:50 AM

Saltwater on
SaltwaterLOL  Very well done.
The RONA commited so many atrocities.
Olga looks very frightened, weak, and easy to defeat for a RONA.
They would not accept her in their ranks!  ;-)

TeeJay87 on May 24, 2016, 1:30:47 AM

TeeJay87 on
TeeJay87The same RONA ( 29th SS Russian Grenadier Division) was mostly active in Warsaw Uprising of 1944, along with Dirlenwanger Brigade and other SS units.

According to witnesses, who saw and survived the uprising, Russian Nazis from RONA had no moral brakes in murdering our women, kids or old people - while German SS soldiers often took prisoners for interrogation, their Russian colleagues simply killed with cold blood everyone alive, who wasn't wearing Nazi uniforms, not caring for sources of information. But when facing our armed resistance, Russian Grenadiers only fought well when Germans were nearby. In short - Russian SS were first to murder innocent civilians, but last to face our Home Army soldiers.

Funny that Heinrich Himmler himself was so disgusted by RONA performance in the Uprising, that he ordered to assassinate its commander [font=Calibri","sans-serif]Brigadefuehrer [/font]Kaminskyi (who had Polish father, but denied his roots and considered himself Russian) and limited RONA's operations in favor of other units.

As for Olga, you're right she's not cut out for any of formations RONA was composed of:

- she's bad marksman, even at pistols and revolvers (rifle infantry) ;

- not better at tossing hand grenades or handling mortar (grenadiers) ;

- with such obese body shape, she can't drive vehicles effectively, even cars or lorries (she can't simply fit hatch of a tank or APC) (tank corps/transport) ;

- only strong Percheron horse could be a mount for her, but still, Olga isn't good rider (cavalry) ;

- handling artillery isn't possible - imagine, what would happen if Olga accidentally dropped round for 122mm howitzer or rocket with armed fuse (artillery, including anti-tank and anti-aircraft) ;

- such thick fingers wouldn't help her in handling radio (signal corps );

- last but not least, if Olga was to handle the wounded, it's doubtful any of them would survive care of such unskilled medic, who can't distinguish veins from arteries.

The only role Olga is really good at is being opponent for our heroes. ;)

Saltwater on May 25, 2016, 1:15:44 AM

Saltwater on
SaltwaterThe favourite occupation of the RONA was looting, raping, torturing and killing innocent and helpless civilians.
They did not care much about securing positions or fighting real soldiers.
They did not behave like real soldiers but more like ruthless brigands.
But many of them were not regular soldiers from the Russian army, anyway.
It is said  that at the time of the Warsaw Uprising, The RONA brigade was composed mostly of  disparate composite of the dregs of society:
Red Army deserters
 "minorities" from various ethnic groups.......
Such lawless and faithless brigands without any kind of military discipline that even the Red Army (with its very low standard) would not want them!  ;-)

TeeJay87 on May 25, 2016, 6:05:20 AM

TeeJay87 on
TeeJay87And it original commander was matching the unit - they expelled him from CPSU for criticizing Stalin's agricultural policy and apparent collaboration (working with Germans and Poles), thus he was considered as dreg of Soviet society.

Those bloodthirsty brigands are best known here for massacre they performed in Warsaw , where they murdered 10000 people.

No wonder, when the war ended in 1945, Kaminsky's thugs were first on NKVD hit list of "enemies of the state designated to instant liquidation".  At least Beria's henchmen did something good by eradicating their rivals from RONA. ;)

alitta2 on May 24, 2016, 4:43:38 AM

alitta2 on
alitta2Nice indeed, but the Hello Kitty stickers just next to the commie-Rus flag one still looks somehow weird :D
Yes, I know it refers to Russian approach of Japanese products, but still :D

TeeJay87 on May 24, 2016, 5:09:35 AM

TeeJay87 on
TeeJay87Let this be an illustration for thesis, that weird people have weird beliefs. Russian ambiguous stance towards Japan is model example for that.  ;)

Falconlobo on May 22, 2016, 2:15:12 PM

Falconlobo on

TeeJay87 on May 22, 2016, 11:33:06 PM

TeeJay87 on
TeeJay87It's about time Olga understood, that her Great-Rus imperialism won't impress anyone living westwards from Minsk and Kaliningrad, nor eastwards from Kamchatka and Vladivostok. ;)

Falconlobo on May 23, 2016, 12:01:16 AM

Falconlobo on