A man in his 40s bought anew BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when hesuddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There'sno way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up evenmore. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am Idoing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, tookhis license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been along day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don'tfeel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for yourdriving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

Thenext one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, soinstantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds aboat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to becomeeven more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into aman, and he walks across the bridge.
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Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Fourof his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toysas fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressureof being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Whenhe went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were aboutto give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knowswhere.

More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, oneof the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scatteredthe toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup ofcoffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he foundthe elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Justthen the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. Heopened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmastree.

The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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A young single guy is ona cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of thecruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengersaround him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but he manages to grabon to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength,swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawledon the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head andsees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's alsomanaged to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes hisway to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to gether breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, andsays, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman isCindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and the man areliving on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit onthe trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love withhim, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Oneday she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter,sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in lovewith you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "If it will help."

He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

Shestarts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in theother direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minuteslater. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
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One Day, at a bus stopthere was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the busarrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt wasso tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinkingit would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back andunzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipperhalfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way.Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg onlyto realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeinghow embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his handsaround her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. Thegirl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body thatway, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well,ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, Ikinda figured that we were friends."
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Twelve priests were aboutto be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straightrow, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model dancedbefore them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis.They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model dancedin front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached astate of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before thefirst candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with thesame response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

Asshe danced, one of the priest's bell began to ring so loudly that itflew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a fewsteps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.
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