Ahoy! The name’s Eric. I’m not giving you my last name. One of my many enemies could track me down if I give too much information. Actually, Eric is only my name NOW. I had it illegally…er...legally, changed a few years ago. My name used to be Mike Rotch, but people kept making fun of it for some reason. So I changed it.

Alright, a little ‘bout me, let’s see. As a kid, I didn’t do anything important or significant. So why don’t we just skip a few years? As a teen, I was a real rebel. I’d break ALL the rules. Like crossing the street when the “Don’t Walk” sign was flashing. Parking next to a sign at 6:01 PM that said “No parking here after 6:00 PM”. Returning my library books a day late, then refusing to pay the overdue fee. And skipping school on EVERY Saturday. EVERY SATURDAY! How bad am I?

Even though I was trouble, I still had a good heart. I cared for people. Well, the people that didn’t piss me off, anyway. That’s basically all there is to my personality; caring for the good, aggression for the bad.

I really developed an urge to help people for a living, so I joined the army when I was 17. I remember, cause that was the age I graduated from elementary school. I went and applied right after the ceremony. My buddies were so proud of me. They had to be, cause I said I’d crush them if they didn’t show me any respect. And they knew I could crush them, I was the toughest guy in that school. Never mess with anyone in elementary school who shaves.

Anyway, so yeah, I joined the army. I trained myself for months, but when it came to practice with firearms, my hopes of fighting in the army to protect the people I cared about went down the drain. See, it turns out I’m gun-happy. And I kinda got carried away in practice, and accidentally shot some fellow soldiers cause I was too excited. How many soldiers? Um…let’s see…like, just two. Plus five. Times eighteen. But that’s all, no foolin’! Anyway, they kicked me out after that tiny incident.

I still wanted to help people though. So I decided to become a vigilante after that. Like all the ones in those comic books I always read. I use my gun-happy tendencies to strike fear in those who do evil, and fight them. I refused to wear a cape though; those are OUT this year. But I do hide my face, when out fighting crime by my alias, Jebus the Third, by wearing a bandana. Cause I can’t let anyone know my secret identity. That’s why I didn’t tell you my current full name earlier, Eric Hoang. Oh…wait. No. Forget the name I just said. You heard nothing.

So that’s what I do for a living. I fight crime as a cape-less, bandana wearing, gun-happy vigilante named Jebus the Third. I don’t have a real job. No one’ll hire me, and I dunno why. Maybe they see my resume, the fifth grade education, then all the bullet holes in it, and suddenly, Mr. Hoang isn’t fit to look after some kids in daycare. Heck, I even went to the trouble of replacing my skulls and crossbones bandana with a friendlier looking teddy bears and flowers bandana every time I went to an interview. I don’t get it. A guy tries to get an honest, decent job in between beating up bad guys as a costumed vigilante, and no one will take ‘im in. I really would like to get a legal job, just so you know.

What are my hobbies? Well, I often start throwing little objects at random people for no apparent reason. Making cat noises is fun. Hallucinating is quite interesting as well, but I can’t control that so that I hallucinate whenever I want. Oh! And pulling fire alarms is pretty amusing too. Especially in the rest homes for the elderly. You’d be surprised how many people are faking needing a wheelchair.

Well, that’s about all there is about me. That I WANT you to know. There’s more to tell, but if I did that, I’d have to destroy you. Sorry.

******

Oi. So this ISN'T a biography of me. It's actually just a monologue I did for English class that I thought I'd pass off as myself. Just to mess with you guys. ^_~
Hope you enjoyed it. :P

Here's some REAL info. If you wanna know anything else, feel free to ask. :3

Birthdate: July 28, 1987. Do the math yourself if you wanna know how old I am. I'm not updating this annually. :x

Likes: Drawing, game development, cereal mascots, animals and nature, pilfering, random silliness, professional butt-kicking, Bunburying, video games, smuggling Moogles (or "Smoogling"), world domination, Leprechauns, and not going to school.

Hates: LOTS of things. Especially school.

Fears: Girls. And school.

Is obsessed with: Pride, honour, nobility, individuality, being silly, and avoiding school.

Some artists I like: Yoshitaka Amano, Travis Charest, Alex Ross, Masamune Shirow, Akira Toriyama, Bruce Timm

Some bands I like: Big Wreck, Cake, Coldplay, Depeche Mode, Good Charlotte, Green Day, Keane, Linkin Park, Matthew Good Band, Our Lady Peace

Quote: "You don't need powers to be a hero. You need a heart."

Stalk my wherabouts:
Taku Bell: My Art and Games
My deviantART page

FUZZARONIUS MAXIMUS. :3