Chapter 1 - How to Pet a Cat

 
   Petting a cat is a highly enjoyable activity, yet one which is fraught with peril. Although a cat will enjoy proper petting, improper petting (also known as roughhousing, scratching, hitting, and/ or mauling) will not be met with contentment. You can see the cat’s point. In actuality, you will see many of the cat’s points if you do not practice proper petting procedures, which is why you must pay close attention to this guide and follow every step precisely.
   In order to pet a cat, you must first find a cat. Obviously dogs, cows, pigs, sheep, birds, fish, anteaters, snakes, geckoes, eels, octopi, cacti, refrigerators, or blue-footed boobies will not fit the bill—it must be a cat. You will know the cat by its distinctive vocalization, which sounds something similar to the vocalization made when you drop a cinderblock upon your toe. There are other characteristics that determine the cat—for example, it will usually be covered in fur and have slit-pupiled eyes—but it is the vocalization which will most likely confirm the status of the cat. (If unsure of the nature of this vocalization, procure a cinderblock and drop it upon your digit immediately. You will very quickly have a full understanding of the vocalizing of a cat.)
   Upon locating a creature that vocalizes in the proper manner without a cinderblock being dropped upon it, you must now determine what kind of cat it is you have found. There are several different kinds of cat—the happy cat, the lazy cat, the sad cat, the mad cat, the sleeping cat, the gloomy cat, the emo cat, and the rare and unusual Cat on a Hot Tin Roof—and not all of them are conducive to petting. For example, although the happy cat and the lazy cat will be more than happy to receive a pet or two, the mad cat and the sleeping cat might not be so receptive. Should you end up with a cat attached to your face, do not panic—cats are only marginally more difficult to dislodge than a pinecone covered in super-glue.
   Telling the temperament of a cat can be difficult at first, but you will soon learn how to pick up the signs. A tail bushed out to twice the size of the body and ears slicked back against the head are characteristic signs of the mad cat. A relaxed position upon the side and a complete ignorance to all events around often indicates a sleeping cat. Be warned, however, that some types are quite difficult to tell apart: the happy cat and the emo cat look very similar at first glance, but while the happy cat will enjoy petting, the emo cat would better enjoy scratching you. Finding the right cat can be a long and painful process.
   Once you have found a willing cat, however, it is time to begin The Petting.
   Allow the cat to determine its own position (whether it would rather sit on your lap or the floor—generally, cats prefer whatever is least comfortable for you, so plan accordingly). Extend your hand towards the cat’s nose, stopping about two inches away, allowing the cat to examine your hand. Here is where you will know if you have a happy cat, an emo cat, or a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: the happy cat will nose your hand curiously; the emo cat will scratch you; and the Cat on a Hot Tin Roof will lie there, inert, which is typical of the Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
   Should the hand-examination test prove that you have a cat ready to be petted, move your hand upwards to the top of the cat’s head, between its ears. Crook your fingers at the first knuckle and bring your hand down softly until your fingertips touch the cat’s skin, just beneath its fur—then move your fingertips first away from you, then back towards you, in a slow, soft, relaxing motion. When done correctly, the cat will close its eyes, nudge up against your hand, and vocalize in a manner similar to the gunning of the engine of a car which is racing away from your prone body. (If unsure of this vocalization, locate a highway and get hit by a car immediately. Hopefully you will retain consciousness as long as is required to master the tone of this vocalization—if not, find another car and try again.)
   When you hear the appropriate vocalization, you will know that you have successfully petted a cat.
   Next lesson—petting the blue-footed booby.
 

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