Chapter 1 - The Akatsuki's Night Before Christmas

Disclaimer: “The Night Before Christmas” – the original poem – is not mine. Neither is Naruto, © Kishimoto Masashi.

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The Akatsuki’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And stumbling in the dark
Was a Mist Village ninja
Who looked like a shark

His name was Kisame
And he wanted to know
If Santa really was real
So he decided to go

To the main room, where stockings
Were hung with great care
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
Soon would be there

The clock chimed midnight
It was just about time
To see if there was any meaning
In Tobi’s holiday rhymes

About thirty seconds
Passed without signs
Of Santa’s existence
And Kisame wondered why

He was standing here
Next to this stupid tree
That was brought to the lair
By his partner, Itachi

It looked kinda pretty
Kisame had to admit
In the dark when the bright
Colored garlands were lit

Outside, snowflakes were falling
And as they congealed
Kisame realized, there’s no way
That Santa was real

If Tobi found out
He would sink into a slump
Just then, something fell
Down the chimney with a thump

Kisame was shocked –
Was it him? Could it be?
Was it Santa Clause himself
Who fell down the chimney?

He couldn’t see really well
Because of the soot
That covered the person
From his head to his foot

But piled on his back
Looked like a sack full of toys
That Santa would give
To little girls and boys

Kisame soon felt faint
And collapsed to the floor
He wasn’t quite sure
What to believe anymore

But the man wasn’t Santa
And Kisame didn’t know
That it was only Pein (Leader)
Covered in about ten pounds of snow

Pein was out on the roof
In the chilly night air
While the snowflakes were gently
Piling up in his hair

It was his turn for night watch
And he was feeling quite gypped
When he stepped on an ice patch
And suddenly slipped

When he saw Kisame
Laying there as though asleep
Pein rolled his eyes upwards
But didn’t make a peep

Pein grabbed Kisame’s arms
And dragged him to bed
When he heard Itachi snoring
With a teddy bear on his head

‘Unbelievable,’ thought Pein
As he walked out the door
Then he noticed sooty footprints
On the living room floor

And sitting right there
Putting gifts under the tree
Was Santa, who smiled
And offered Pein a cookie.

Pein looked at Santa
Santa looked at Pein
Then Santa laughed – “Ho ho ho!”
And Pein felt quite faint

Pein turned around
And went straight to his room
Contemplating the sight
He’d seen in the gloom

The next morning, Akatsuki
Awoke with eyes agleam
As they happily greeted
The rest of their team

Childish little Tobi
Got a shiny new toy
And he smiled as he said
“Tobi’s been a good boy!”

The terrorist, Deidara,
Got a package of Play-Doh
He couldn’t help but wonder
‘How did Santa know?’

When Kakuzu saw his gift
He thought he’d won some bet
But then he saw Sasori
With a new marionette

Kakuzu opened his gift and said
“Santa’s not very smart”
Santa gave him a gift card
For the nearest Wal-Mart

At this Hidan laughed
As he held up his gift -
His behavior left Kakuzu
Feeling quite miffed

Hidan had received
A Swiss Army knife
(The blade would never dull –
Guaranteed for life)

Kakuzu finally snapped
And tackled Hidan to the ground
But nobody paid attention –
This stuff happened all year round

The beautiful maiden, Konan,
Couldn’t believe her eyes
When she saw her gift –
Colored origami paper, piled high

Kisame hid Pein’s gift
So Pein couldn’t find
The jingling snow bells
Santa left behind

(Now you may be wondering
Why Pein would want bells –
Well, I have no ideas.
Do you? No? Oh well.)

A jug of Miracle-Gro
Was beneath Zetsu’s bed
And he laughed and he dumped
The whole thing on his head

Kisame had forgotten
The events of the night before
You could tell by the way he dumped
Itachi’s stocking on the floor

The Isonade had ignored
His gift of canned sardines
That were specially imported
From the Land of Red Beans

Itachi awoke
And was caught by surprise
Then got mad and activated
His Sharingan eyes

From now on, Itachi
Would be the one to hate
As Kisame was chopped up
And piled on Choji’s plate (1)

Kisame was left
Twitching on the bedroom floor
As Itachi grabbed his nail polish
And scuffed out the door

The smell of Tobi’s pancakes
Perfumed the morning air
And Konan was folding
The napkins with care

Itachi smiled slightly
And helped Konan place
The stuff on the table
As a grin crossed her face

Soon Kisame came down
With Samehada at his side
But when he saw the pancakes
His eyes opened wide

While dropping his sword
And without missing a beat
He ran to the table
And started to eat

Soon, the rest of Akatsuki
Came down to the table
And started to eat –
Well, if they were able

For the black half and white half
Of poor Zetsu’s face
Couldn’t agree on toppings
For they had different tastes

Soon the meal was over
But Itachi could see
That there was one last gift
Sitting under the tree

And each single member
Thought the present for them
Which can be a problem
When all think the same

The silence was tense –
Then Pein let out a yell
That rang through the air
Like a giant brass bell

The resulting chaos
Was crazy as heck
Especially when Kisame
Got a hold of Itachi’s neck

Maple syrup was spilled
On everyone’s shirt
Nobody would leave
This battle unhurt

So I’d like to say
As Tobi joins the fight
“Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night.”

THE END

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(1) My friend didn’t get this part. You know how the Mangekyo puts a very bad image in your head and tortures you? Well, since Kisame is a fish-man, for his fear, I decided to have him be sliced up and put on a plate and served as sushi for his worst fear. That’s all.

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