Chapter 1 - I wish I knew why

Summary:
Just something I needed to get out(aka more emoness)
I should mention that I have Nonverbal learning Disorder.
Just so that some of this makes more sense.For info on it look at this link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NVLD
Wikipedia has a good description of it. It effects everyone differently I'm not exactly a textbook case and I'm not sure if anyone ever has been.


I get this feeling
I am who I am
I’m me
I’m totally fine I am who I am
I’m all one I’m me
It’s so hard to describe
Words won’t work here
It simply just is
I’m stronger
I’m confident
I’m happy
Even when I’m not
It wish this could stay
I don’t know how to keep this feeling
I don’t know where I’ve been when I’m not here
Or how to make it stick
But then something happens and it’s gone
It’s hard to be who I am
Because it won’t stay
I wish it would
I would be happy if I could be who I am
It hurts not being me
When I’m not me
I don’t know how to describe that either
I’m weaker
Easier to scare
Less brave
Less confident
Doubting myself
Arguing with myself all the time
It hurts
It’s bearable but it hurts
Not being able to be myself
Missing opportunities because I’m scared
Because I’m paralyzed
or depressed or angry or just tiered
Lack of will
motivation
Have to put everything I have into it not to brake
It’s too easy to push me to that point
Any little thing could do it
I hate that
That’s not me
I’m not happy like this
I don’t know how to fix it
I don’t know what’s wrong
Ever sense I was little I felt like there was something wrong with me
That has got to be it
It doesn’t sound like my disability is what’s wrong
Or anything else
It’s because I can’t be me
Because it’s so hard to stay that person before something changes and I’m not who I really am anymore
People have a hard time being who they are
My disability should do that
But everything else shouldn’t be making it so hard
Anxiety
Depression
That’s not supposed to be hear
I don’t care what they say
I refuse to except it
I refuse to except that that’s really me
I can’t
I can’t live the rest of my life like that
It’s too much pain to live with
I can’t be really happy like that
I refuse to accept that this is a part of my disorder
That’s not what it’s supposed to be
I don’t care what science says
I don’t care what specialists say
I don’t care what anyone else says
It’s not true
They don’t have this disorder
They don’t understand what’s the disorder and what isn’t
They don’t know what it’s really like because they’ve never experienced it
I wish I knew someone else like me
Someone who had my disorder
So I could prove to people that it’s not my disorder doing this to me
I just wish I wasn’t the only one
I wish I wasn’t alone in this
I wish I knew why

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment