by the power of the D.D.A i here by tell you you are a marry sue will make you do 100 years of making good fan fics and japan dont has a princess you fool!

Read TheAlmightJ's comment and take some of the advice. I know that sounds harsh, but it's really the best thing if you're an aspiring writer. And, since you've made yourself open to criticism.

For one thing, your CHARACTERS. Those are the blandest ones I've seen since Eragon (a painful read), and you must realize that characters are not simply inanimate tools. Characters are ALIVE. They have their little ways and whims, and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself writing a completely different story than the one you started on. This here is an example of underdeveloped characters as well as character abuse. You're MAKING them do what you want them to, which is common in beginners, but you have to give them their own personalities and idiosyncrasies and likes and wants and needs. Otherwise, they're all going to turn out the same.

I realize that this is an old fic and I'm probably belaboring the point, but I'm tired of people not getting this simple concept, and then they come crying to the reviewers and anybody else who'll listen when they're criticized for blandness. This is only one point made where plenty could be, but I think the thing you need is to keep writing, gain experience, and, above all else, LISTEN TO YOUR CHARACTERS.

P.S. I. Hate. Mary-Sues. It is not possible to write a good Sue fic. It's just not. Use Kairi, or write your OWN STORY, for God's sake.

Pleaseee write more!!!!! i love it its so cute ^-^ the only problem is i rly want to know what happens and im goin nuts so you have to finishhhhhhhhhhh

give her a break thealmightyj i made up my own story called soras story its not very good

PLeaseeee write more! lovee this story ^-^

Contine contine contine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHOA! Paragraphs: Use them! I simply can't read a story when It's a big pulsating mass of text! *screws up eyes to read story*

Alright. First, where does this story take place?! Lori and Julie are Western names, while Sora is a Japanese name. Why does Lori use -san? If she's supposed to be childhood friends with him, it should be -kun, or possibly -chan.

Lori has KNEE-LENGTH HAIR?! What!? My hair's only mid-back and it takes me forever to take care of it; I shudder to think how long she must spend brushing that out. How about something more realistic?

Wait. Oh God, you mean you're trying to pass off Lori as a PRINCESS of JAPAN? Seriously, bad idea. Lori's not a Japanese name at all!

Why is Julie allowed a boyfriend? She's a Princess too. And she lectures Lori on 'princess-lyness', which would come across as more sincere if given by a parent. Speaking of Julie, how can she tell that Lori's got a boyfriend-and that it's Sora-JUST BECAUSE LORI'S CRYING?

Returning to Lori... No way this girl's 18. She's 13-14, based off her behavior. She's 18 and has never been on a date? Even the most anti-social, mean and unattractive girl's I've ever met have had a date before 16! Besides, at 18 she's an adult. She'd probably have outgrown her 'Gothic Rebellion'.

Analysis: A classic boring love story with nothing new to bring to the table. Bland characters rush the action leaving the reader's confused. You need a LOT of improvement.

(PS, black can be quite elegant and suitable for a princess)

Wow, Im REALLY sorry but umm oh no offence but yeah um... yaaawwwnnn.. been there heard that WAY TOO many times constructicve critizism: WAY TOO TYPICAL and its not fluent enough it just doesn't flow right... Anyway I hope that you take this and learn from it and not take it as an insult like me, I hope that you are open to tips. But do with my comment as you wish.

Wow ths is great! ^^;

awwww! its so sweet...

great story....has anyone seen the ring 2? i have it is really good...sorry off topic. like the story a lot

i like this story, i cant wait to see what happens! *faves*

ooh can you write some more?! please, everyone wants to know what happens!!!

That was Toooooooooooo Sweet They Are Great Together.I hope You Do MORE

wowowowowowowowowowowowowoowowowowowowoowowoowowowow!!!!!!!1!!1!1one.Please comtinue!!!

Continue continue continue!I love it so far!

I like it a lot!^__^

This is a good story!

Its good^__^

sounds like a romeo/juliet thing. Have them see eachother secretly and have them kill themselves at the end (like in the story of Romeo/Juliet)

Wow, depresing, please continue

Awwww its sho kute!! *tear* I cant wait for chapter 4!!

*sighs* dude, this is what i have so far....and im already working on chapter 4...but thanks anyway

Yay! you got chapter 3 up! now just work on ch. 4 please? If you need ideas, I'm chalk full of them, just e-mail me! and I can give you all my ideas! k?

yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah im going to finish it, im working on the thrid chapter...exept not now because i put it on a disc on my laptop and it wont laod on this computer and my latop is being fixed...so its goning to be a while ^^ sorry! but i can assure you ill work like crazy when i gt my lapotp back!

Aren't u going to finish the story? it was just getting good, please, oh please won't you finish it? I'm dyeing here.

thats a good idea sweetblood thanks! =^^= ill make that my title once i figure out how to change it >.<

o yeah, moonstar_neko, i like your comment lol i laughed so hard ^^ the ring is one oof my fav movies, and the chick is named Samara ^^

Wow your storys good. I have an idea for the title though how about "Locked Love" since Sora has a keyblade and him and Lori are in love. Just an idea! ~^_^~

that's just the sweetest thing.*looks with chibi eyes*are u going to finish the story?it's really good=)

that's sad and cruel.bad lori's sister!*trows her in the well withthe ring chick*7 DAYS!!!