Best chapter by far. I'd suggest a little practise by using written role-playing with someone to hone your writing skills and avoid god-moding(Making one person way too strong, it's a big problem with protagonist characters sometimes) any of your characters. A balance is needed to make really interesting, involved battle scenes. Just a heads-up and suggestion. The plot seems to be progressing pretty well, though, anyway. ^^ You detailing has gotten better, as well.
ya i agree with sisaTao that you are getting a little better at the details in this chapter but it still seems to rushed and since when is this Naruto i got confused when i saw that you may have to change things around a little like to where only a warrior/demon by the name bla bla bla could enter like i felt a serge run up my spine and out my eyelids to demonstrate the lazor eyes or whatever it was maybe you should try to turn this into a manga I could help although i do not know how to get the thing in manga format but I could try making the first chapter of your story in a manga form p.s don't blame me how cruddy i may make them
I think thet idea is very good but the story is to shallow add more details maybe what cody looks like how long hes liked this girl all that detail stuff take some examples from some books lying around the house or go read Loophole on fanfiction.net it's a good story it gives off fairly good detail and keeps the story line it has thought in it it isnt rushed like this one appears to be
Awesome, so there is more to come?! Sounds like you thought of this story for a long time! you need to update me when you right some more, I like it!!! ^^
To make it longer, you could go in to the details of how it messed with your DNA, like what gene it added or destroyed. I`m just saying that because I see all the comments that other people lest saying that it was to short! =)
Or maybe, telling more details about how the people look, you know, like that hair or eyes what they weir etc..... and there surroundings, like what color the wall was and stuff like that!
Other than that, you have a good imagination you just need to learn how to express it better in wards, I have that problem when I`m trying to wright a story!
Interesting. I like the idea, but it needs more detail, I didn't realize for awhile that the mane character was a guy, and I have no idea how any of them look...
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Crap, this probably sounds supper mean! I don't mean for it too! I'm just trying to help! Your doing really good! Really! I like it, I just want to help, don't hate me!
I like it, but it seems a little rushed to me. Taking time to add details would be really help the reader understand what exactly is going on. I know with a dream it's a little difficult to remember those details, but  making them up as you go along is better than nothing. This has potential, keep going^^
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Submitted: 2008-01-10, Updated: 2008-05-11,
Chapters: 4, Size: 6K,
Words: 1529, Comments: 34,
Views: 443
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