coping.

man...i hate certain things in life. but you can't really change things i guess, and it's not good to live with regret.

in english we are studying the romantic period and the writings that express transcendentalism. she's been telling us to reflect for an assignment on subjects like 'carpe diem', and how when you die, your last moment should be happy reflective thoughts, and not with regret.

it makes me think of sebastian. in a couple of months it will be half a year since he passed. it's so hard not to break down once in a while.

and it makes me SOOO angry how people are abusing the word 'suicide'. they think that it's an easy way out of everything, and tell everybody that to get some sort of sympathy. suicide is NOT to be fracked with. it is the BIGGEST insult to me than any foul word in the whole entire universe.
if you know someone personally that has done this, it is like somebody has taken a chunk out of you and taken it away and you will never get it back. no one really knew that sebastian was really going to do it. he was always so happy.

it makes me wish i could pay attention to my surroundings and the people around me more. the day i found out that he died, i was so scared to leave my friends, i kept thinking that they were going to slip away from me any minute. i just wanted to be with them 24/7 and not let them out of my sight.

i'm not scared of dying,or what comes after at the end of my life.
i don't even want to change the world.
i just want to beleive that i had made a little difference to the people i know and knew, that i loved and i ws loved back, and that i was happy with the way i carried on life.
sebastian has revealed my eyes to a whole new spectrem of thinking, and i thank him soo much for it. i just wish i could hold him and tell him that.