Clarity
Blog Entry: Clarity
Blog Entry: Clarity
April eleventh in the year 2006 was the absolute worst day of my life, as the very last piece of my life fell somwhere in the dark hole with the rest of the pieces.
It was around March when GIR fell ill; a serious computer virus invading every circuit and ultimately slowly shutting him down. He was the last thing on earth that gave me a purpose to go on..I had lost all else. Without irken tools, I knew there wasn't much I could do for him. I stayed by his bedside every second of every day, unless he requested me to fetch him something. We spent most of the time talking about when life was life: happy and full of family. Everyday, he seemed to be weaker and spoke slower, finally unable to open his eyes three days before his passing. He spoke very little on his final day; I had so much to say, and couldn't seem to say it. In a few final words, they were barely understandable, but I could still hear the indefinite whisper of "dan....'m" before he silenced.
For those of you who don't know what that means, it's traditionally irken for "father/daddy", and a word seldom on Irk. I don't mind in the least he called me that; my role of master and his of servant was abandoned long ago - only that his words of course, shocked me into silence, and I couldn't speak - at least not until his eyes closed and he shut down. I told myself it was pointless to cry for him, but did it anyways... I stayed curled up beside him on the bed for a couple days, falling into the deepest and first actual consuming depression I ever had..
See, as far as I was concerned, my life was over; I had lost every little bit I held dear. And I thought the meaning of life was torn from me after I found out about my banishment.. Heh, well, had I ever been wrong.. You don't know the meaning of pain and loss until you lose a beloved person - </i>three of them...
I do not even remember the events after GIR died; I have no idea if I was living for days, weeks, months, or even years.. I only remember not sleeping, not eating, and feeling weaker, sicker, and thinner each day.. Every day greeting the sun with a pained heart and perhaps a heave in a bucket, I felt myself fading faster.. I never counted the days of how long I was alive, and I never wanted to be.. I only remember one day, feeling so insanely tired; an eerie tiredness trying to consume me, pull me in.. It was the kind of tiredness you just couldn't fight...and didn't want to. I lay down on our old leather couch, recalling all the happy times on it when we watched movies.. (Normally ones about monkeys - oh, GIR!)
Then I fell asleep...</i>
Safe to say...I was a tad confused waking up, expecting to awake in the freezing and lonely bedroom GIR and I once shared. Florida or not, when you're as thin as I was, you'd always be cold. I seemed to be clmbing out of a small pond, yet felt not the slightest burn. I couldn't see too much around me other than the sparkling water at my feet - I swear, diamonds were embedded somewhere in it! In the ray of a the sun somewhere in the mist, I caught sight of what I was wearing: a long white gown that was about the size of my uniform. Irk, and I thought my irken uniform slightly looked like a dress!
Perhaps I should have realized right off the bat of where I was, simply judging by the serenity of this place, but I must just have been in such denial I would never get here, I didn't think it possible. I tried to see past the mist and sunlight induced sparkles in the air, but I saw nothing but light and the water beneath my feet.
"Welcome home.."</i>
Mother of Irk, if heaven had a ceiling, I would have hit it! I glanced around for the source of the man's voice, but saw not a trace of a human being. "Where am I?"
"A place you have always wanted to be.."</i>
Voices coming from nowhere? White dresses? Yes, I really shoudl have been able to figure out where I was; I guess I was just that confused and insane, maybe.. I took this oppertunity to look down at my gown. "Where is my uniform?"
"You are wearing it: it is the uniform of heaven."</i>
Okay, now</i> I was officially terrified. Which you probably find quite baffling considering I was in the most gentle, beautiful, amazing place on earth. (Right? Wait, where WERE we?) I am not sure what frightened me so, or what caused the ushed tears to spill, but they were gently wiped away with invisible hands.
"Heaven is no place for tears..</i> the serene voice told me gently.
"Th-there has been a mistake," was all I managed to choke out.
"Heaven makes no mistake; you have done enough to repetant for your sins.."</i>
What?? Was he totally loony? Perhaps too much time spent in high altitude up in the clouds? I heard a chuckle and froze. He could hear</i> me? I've lived with the desire to hate and get revenge on the irken empire - died hating them, hating the drunk driver.. Ultimately, I seemed to have commited suicide by not eating. (Could that be considered suicide?) I hated, al through my life, hurt and killed the innocent, and did WHAT to make up for all my wrong-doings!
"Heaven does not turn its back on a troubled soul..."</i> the voice said softly, and I nearly jumped once more as hands were gently placed on my shoulders. "Come. A few people have been waiting for you for quite a while.."</i>
There really and truly are no words to describe heaven unless you saw it for yourself. However, even then, my doubts you will believe what is in front of your own eyes: the most beautiful of flowers; the brightest of blue skies; the greenest of grass; the water just...phenomenal.. "You have lost your mind," I croaked to the human - diety - whatever it was!, "you must have! I don't belong here! I have done nothing but bad! I could not even save Dib! I could not save Talia! I could not save GIR! They were my allies - friends - family!</i>" Having pretty much howled out in grief, I slumped to the ground, trembling desperately. Immediately, someone stood me up.
"And that," the man told me, "is the exact reason why you are here. The badness in your life, the pain you caused is nothing in comparison to the pain you took away..
I still had my doubts, and was visibly still pretty frightened, until...
"Zim!!"
My vision was suddenly obseccured by a blur of black and a peachy color: Dib's head, finding myself crushed in the first hug I'd ever gotten from him. Irk, I was worried he'd kill me! (Oh...wait..)
"You're finally here! This is so great!"
I tensed in the foreign embrace, never having been hugged by the human before. Despite how much I had missed him, I debated whether or not to pull away, finally raelizing heaven was no place for bitterness. I rested my cheek on his shoulder.
He pulled back, gripping my hands tightly and grinnign from ear to ear; I think he was going to cry! Of course, I probably looked the same. At this point, I had several choices: break into tears; hug him back, tighter; tell him I missed him.. but no - how apt - typical me - what do I do? "......Wow, even in heaven, they didn't have the sympathy to downsize your head a bit, huh?"
Mood shot. Tarful smile turned to frown, which turned to a smirk. "How I missed you.."
"Ditto." I did not let my voice hold the emotion I felt.
He was as excited as a smeet on Christmas morning! "Oh man - we waited so long! There is so much to show you! Oh - you'll love the forest; you always did love our special cmaping ground!"
I am not really listening anymore, my eyes are trained on a young female bent over into a patch of flowers by an old oak tree, tickling something in the stomach with her foot. I knew who she was, but called anyways, "Mameen?" She turned to me, antennae whisping behind her head; her adorable purple jewel bobbing at the tip. She wasn't wearing her apron, which was weird, and was in the same white gown we all were. "Zim...baby.."
My feet ran before I did, reaching the same arms I was sure stopped holding me 100 years ago - for good. She still smelled like irken cookies.. (She did bake them everyday!) "M-Mameee..." I barely whispered, inhaling the cookie scent. My antennae curled lovingly around my mother's, holding back the teaers that were not to be shed in heaven. My foot curled in, and I laughed for the first time in a year, feeling something nipping at it. Only now did I realize both my feet and hands were completely bare. Mameen chuckled and gently dropped me in the large patch of flowers. Only when I looked in front of my face and through a few flowers, had I never felt more content than in that moment.
"GIR..!</i>" He lay there on his back, giggling and squirming as Mameen nudged his little stomach with her foot. Oh wow, he really had no changed, and I grinned when he leaped at me, sure I'd be crushed in one of his death-cuddly-embraces, but no! He just wanted to play! Understandable: he had been bed ridden for a month before he died.. I laughed more as he nipped at my toes again, stomach, and pretty much any place he coudl get to. (And where all my tickle spots were..) I realized he was not wearing a long white gown lie the rest of us, and suddenly saw it discared in a patch of flowers, crumpled in a heap. (HAHA! Well, GIR, always DID hate clothes! No doubt God would have an easier time dressing him than I would!)
It was around March when GIR fell ill; a serious computer virus invading every circuit and ultimately slowly shutting him down. He was the last thing on earth that gave me a purpose to go on..I had lost all else. Without irken tools, I knew there wasn't much I could do for him. I stayed by his bedside every second of every day, unless he requested me to fetch him something. We spent most of the time talking about when life was life: happy and full of family. Everyday, he seemed to be weaker and spoke slower, finally unable to open his eyes three days before his passing. He spoke very little on his final day; I had so much to say, and couldn't seem to say it. In a few final words, they were barely understandable, but I could still hear the indefinite whisper of "dan....'m" before he silenced.
For those of you who don't know what that means, it's traditionally irken for "father/daddy", and a word seldom on Irk. I don't mind in the least he called me that; my role of master and his of servant was abandoned long ago - only that his words of course, shocked me into silence, and I couldn't speak - at least not until his eyes closed and he shut down. I told myself it was pointless to cry for him, but did it anyways... I stayed curled up beside him on the bed for a couple days, falling into the deepest and first actual consuming depression I ever had..
See, as far as I was concerned, my life was over; I had lost every little bit I held dear. And I thought the meaning of life was torn from me after I found out about my banishment.. Heh, well, had I ever been wrong.. You don't know the meaning of pain and loss until you lose a beloved person - </i>three of them...
I do not even remember the events after GIR died; I have no idea if I was living for days, weeks, months, or even years.. I only remember not sleeping, not eating, and feeling weaker, sicker, and thinner each day.. Every day greeting the sun with a pained heart and perhaps a heave in a bucket, I felt myself fading faster.. I never counted the days of how long I was alive, and I never wanted to be.. I only remember one day, feeling so insanely tired; an eerie tiredness trying to consume me, pull me in.. It was the kind of tiredness you just couldn't fight...and didn't want to. I lay down on our old leather couch, recalling all the happy times on it when we watched movies.. (Normally ones about monkeys - oh, GIR!)
Then I fell asleep...</i>
Safe to say...I was a tad confused waking up, expecting to awake in the freezing and lonely bedroom GIR and I once shared. Florida or not, when you're as thin as I was, you'd always be cold. I seemed to be clmbing out of a small pond, yet felt not the slightest burn. I couldn't see too much around me other than the sparkling water at my feet - I swear, diamonds were embedded somewhere in it! In the ray of a the sun somewhere in the mist, I caught sight of what I was wearing: a long white gown that was about the size of my uniform. Irk, and I thought my irken uniform slightly looked like a dress!
Perhaps I should have realized right off the bat of where I was, simply judging by the serenity of this place, but I must just have been in such denial I would never get here, I didn't think it possible. I tried to see past the mist and sunlight induced sparkles in the air, but I saw nothing but light and the water beneath my feet.
"Welcome home.."</i>
Mother of Irk, if heaven had a ceiling, I would have hit it! I glanced around for the source of the man's voice, but saw not a trace of a human being. "Where am I?"
"A place you have always wanted to be.."</i>
Voices coming from nowhere? White dresses? Yes, I really shoudl have been able to figure out where I was; I guess I was just that confused and insane, maybe.. I took this oppertunity to look down at my gown. "Where is my uniform?"
"You are wearing it: it is the uniform of heaven."</i>
Okay, now</i> I was officially terrified. Which you probably find quite baffling considering I was in the most gentle, beautiful, amazing place on earth. (Right? Wait, where WERE we?) I am not sure what frightened me so, or what caused the ushed tears to spill, but they were gently wiped away with invisible hands.
"Heaven is no place for tears..</i> the serene voice told me gently.
"Th-there has been a mistake," was all I managed to choke out.
"Heaven makes no mistake; you have done enough to repetant for your sins.."</i>
What?? Was he totally loony? Perhaps too much time spent in high altitude up in the clouds? I heard a chuckle and froze. He could hear</i> me? I've lived with the desire to hate and get revenge on the irken empire - died hating them, hating the drunk driver.. Ultimately, I seemed to have commited suicide by not eating. (Could that be considered suicide?) I hated, al through my life, hurt and killed the innocent, and did WHAT to make up for all my wrong-doings!
"Heaven does not turn its back on a troubled soul..."</i> the voice said softly, and I nearly jumped once more as hands were gently placed on my shoulders. "Come. A few people have been waiting for you for quite a while.."</i>
There really and truly are no words to describe heaven unless you saw it for yourself. However, even then, my doubts you will believe what is in front of your own eyes: the most beautiful of flowers; the brightest of blue skies; the greenest of grass; the water just...phenomenal.. "You have lost your mind," I croaked to the human - diety - whatever it was!, "you must have! I don't belong here! I have done nothing but bad! I could not even save Dib! I could not save Talia! I could not save GIR! They were my allies - friends - family!</i>" Having pretty much howled out in grief, I slumped to the ground, trembling desperately. Immediately, someone stood me up.
"And that," the man told me, "is the exact reason why you are here. The badness in your life, the pain you caused is nothing in comparison to the pain you took away..
I still had my doubts, and was visibly still pretty frightened, until...
"Zim!!"
My vision was suddenly obseccured by a blur of black and a peachy color: Dib's head, finding myself crushed in the first hug I'd ever gotten from him. Irk, I was worried he'd kill me! (Oh...wait..)
"You're finally here! This is so great!"
I tensed in the foreign embrace, never having been hugged by the human before. Despite how much I had missed him, I debated whether or not to pull away, finally raelizing heaven was no place for bitterness. I rested my cheek on his shoulder.
He pulled back, gripping my hands tightly and grinnign from ear to ear; I think he was going to cry! Of course, I probably looked the same. At this point, I had several choices: break into tears; hug him back, tighter; tell him I missed him.. but no - how apt - typical me - what do I do? "......Wow, even in heaven, they didn't have the sympathy to downsize your head a bit, huh?"
Mood shot. Tarful smile turned to frown, which turned to a smirk. "How I missed you.."
"Ditto." I did not let my voice hold the emotion I felt.
He was as excited as a smeet on Christmas morning! "Oh man - we waited so long! There is so much to show you! Oh - you'll love the forest; you always did love our special cmaping ground!"
I am not really listening anymore, my eyes are trained on a young female bent over into a patch of flowers by an old oak tree, tickling something in the stomach with her foot. I knew who she was, but called anyways, "Mameen?" She turned to me, antennae whisping behind her head; her adorable purple jewel bobbing at the tip. She wasn't wearing her apron, which was weird, and was in the same white gown we all were. "Zim...baby.."
My feet ran before I did, reaching the same arms I was sure stopped holding me 100 years ago - for good. She still smelled like irken cookies.. (She did bake them everyday!) "M-Mameee..." I barely whispered, inhaling the cookie scent. My antennae curled lovingly around my mother's, holding back the teaers that were not to be shed in heaven. My foot curled in, and I laughed for the first time in a year, feeling something nipping at it. Only now did I realize both my feet and hands were completely bare. Mameen chuckled and gently dropped me in the large patch of flowers. Only when I looked in front of my face and through a few flowers, had I never felt more content than in that moment.
"GIR..!</i>" He lay there on his back, giggling and squirming as Mameen nudged his little stomach with her foot. Oh wow, he really had no changed, and I grinned when he leaped at me, sure I'd be crushed in one of his death-cuddly-embraces, but no! He just wanted to play! Understandable: he had been bed ridden for a month before he died.. I laughed more as he nipped at my toes again, stomach, and pretty much any place he coudl get to. (And where all my tickle spots were..) I realized he was not wearing a long white gown lie the rest of us, and suddenly saw it discared in a patch of flowers, crumpled in a heap. (HAHA! Well, GIR, always DID hate clothes! No doubt God would have an easier time dressing him than I would!)