Chapter 28 - Sexual Moment in Gaming History!

Video Games and Sex. In recent years, it seems like the two have been going together like peanut butter and jelly. Grape jelly. With recent titles such as "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball" and "BMX XXX", it's obvious that sex sells ... especially to horny little gamer geeks. Back in the day, however, this was not quite the case. Well, at least not intentionally... most of the time.
In the golden age of video games, there wasn't a whole lot of blatant sexual stuff in games. Unless of course you had a copy of "Leisure Suit Larry" - then you probably got a rare glimpse of that oh-so-naughty pixel that was supposed to represent a nipple. Still, for the average gamer, there wasn't a whole hell of a lot of sexual innuendo in the majority of games out there unless you looked really, really hard. Fortunately, we've decided to save you the trouble of searching for the the more obscure dirty little bytes in the wee hours of the night. Unlike other sites which try to force sexual situations in video games, we're scouring tons of classic games for those moments which require no alterations. Moments that simply exist in the games to disturb you. Enjoy our list of some of the top sexual moments in video game history! It's a work in progress, so if you have a game that you think we should include on the list, by all means let me know! Click on any name below to view the shocking super spicy story behind that particular game!

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RING KING!

Gotta get this one out of the way first - it's probably the most well-known unintentional sexual moment in classic videogames. "Ring King" for the NES started out as just an average boxing game. You begin by training for fighter in power, speed, and stamina. After that it's into the ring you go for your first round of good ol' button-mashing fisticuffs. And that's when it all starts to go downhill.


"May I have this dance?"

Whenever you get too close to your opponent, you start to hug up on each other real close and do a little dance. I like to think of this as their way of turning each other on before the real action begins. A little foreplay if you will. Well boys, it was a really well-fought (and well-danced) round, now what say you two head on over to your corners for...


ORAL SEX?

I thought boxing was all about "the eye of the tiger" not the "one-eyed monster", but apparently I was wrong. In between rounds, both boxers are treated to a lil' wobble-gobble. I mean, there's really no other reason for those assistants to be down there, moving like that. Normally, the assistants will hold a bucket for the boxers to spit in or replace their mouthpieces or what have you. But no, these fellows have become the mouthpieces. I have a hard time believing that this was unintentionally sexual... it's downright blatant if you ask me. The censors must have been drinking pretty fracking heavily the day they let this one slip by. But I'm no ringside announcer by any means, so let's see what they make of the situation.



Well there you have it. If the ringside announcers think the boxers are getting blowjobs, then it's gotta be true. And just look at how excited some fans are:


"WEEEEE HEEEE!"

Dancing in the ring, blowjobs in the corners, people in the crowd jerking off... man, boxing sure was different back in the 80's. Nowadays it's all just a bunch of rough sex involving biting, but back then it was something pure. Let's never forget that.



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PRO WRESTLING!

This was easily one of my favorite wrestling games ever (along with Tag Team Wrestling for the NES). The nice thing about this one was that you had a variety of characters to choose from, each with a few special moves of their own. Hell, you could even be a freakish Amazon monster guy who chomped on his opponents faces. CHOMPED ON THEIR FACES! Still, amongst all of the cool aspects of the game, there was a perverted moment that most people caught. Granted, wrestling can often look perverted, but this particular moment definitely stands out.

The most devastating move in the game was a "pile driver", but like a few other powerful moves, you had to get your opponent weak enough before you could execute it. Now if your opponent wasn't weak enough and you still tried to execute the pile driver, this is what happened:


"I think I might have a rash. Here, have a closer look."

Basically, you'd shove the poor bastard's face directly into your crotch - a move that is far more brutal than a pile driver if you ask me. To make matters worse, your character's face makes an expression as if he's in ecstasy while his opponent is buried in his groin.

Now if the guy wants some head, that's fine, but he should at least be polite enough to ask first instead of just shoving the other guy's face down there.



Ok maybe not. I guess it would've been best if they just left those frames of the animation out. Hell, if you were to shove that Amazon guy down there, he'd be likely to bite your lil' winky off. :o



Oh cry all you want, but you're not getting pity from me you sick, twisted pervert.

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A true arcade classic that was later released on the SNES (but it slowed down badly on the SNES when you had 2 players playing at once, plus you could have 3 players at once in the arcade version). For any of you who enjoyed the multi-player button-mashing fun of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Simpsons arcade games, Knights of the Round would surely be up your alley as well. In the game, you play as one of three characters: Arthur, Lancelot, and Perceval. Each have their strengths, but in the end, as long as you have enough quarters, you're gonna make your way through the game just fine.

Your objective is to obtain the holy grail, but before you can do so, you must fight all sorts of medieval warriors, magicians, and a few huge bosses. In addition to that, you'll sometimes encounter MAD TIGERS.



As you can see, these mad tigers seem to be your run-of-the-mill beasts that are hungry for flesh. Oh but how looks can be deceiving. When you decide to battle these angry creatures, you're in for quite a surprise.


MAD TIGER BALLS!

Yep, whenever you attack one of the mad tigers and send it flying backwards, you get a nice shot of their mad tiger balls. They're just so in your face there's no ignoring it. I mean really, did they have to draw in those balls with such detail? Furthermore, does anybody really want to shell out a bunch of quarters only to be rewarded with glimpses of said balls? I hope the quest for the grail was worth it...

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Few games were ever as daunting as Ghosts ‘n Goblins, and its sequel, Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. I myself have spent countless hours on the games, slaying unmentionable horrors and avoiding that damned torch weapon that falls out of your hand and explodes. And don’t get me started on that frigging red demon that flew around dive-bombing you right when you least expected it. He can kiss my @$$.

Anyway, the real problem was that you could only be hit twice before you died. Now, fighting your way through the legions of hell is hard enough, but worse than that is having to fend off scores of the damned in your underwear, and that’s exactly what you had to do if you took that first hit.



Here, we see the evolution of King Arthur and his fabulous undies, from his flamboyant Valentine’s Day red briefs to his flashy polka dot boxers.



Yes sir, Arthur was not one to take crap from any zombies, or giant worms, or puking pigs, or giant flaming bears. He face ‘em all, even when he was down to his skivvies. Not only that, but he was defiant about it the whole time:



That’s right, evil. When others would balk in terror, Arthur invites all of you to take a long hard look at the moon. In your face!

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BAD STREET BRAWLER!

In 1989, Mattel apparently wanted a video game hero to promote a new line of action figures, but somehow their request for 'a tough street-fighting vigilante' was interpreted as 'Peter Pan fag with shaved armpits' by Beam Software. I'm not 100% sure about the storyline in this game, but judging by the enemies I'd guess a circus has come to town and gone awry and some guy in a yellow one-piece swimming suit is the only man who can save the day. For some reason, he can only attack in to set ways in each level. In the first level, the techniques at your disposal are the regular punch and a slide kick. In other levels you lose the ability to do this, but suddenly you can use such attacks as 'drop kick', 'body slam' and 'gut knee'. Another is the 'crouch down and ram your head into the nearest crotch' move.



More interesting, however, is the 'trip' move, which is used to trip people and to pet dogs. No, seriously. If a dog comes up to you and tries to bite you in the jugular, you can just pet it and it dies.


Be dead! Good boy!

The 'trip' maneuver even has a third function: it lets you fondle people.



This is one of those moments when the graphics designer, project manager or even the damned coffee boy should have stood up and said "Hey guys, it kinda looks like the guy is masturbating that passed-out midget. We better get that fixed." But of course nobody did, and now suddenly the already unconventional hero is also a sexual assaulter and possibly a somnaphiliac or narcophiliac or whatever you're called when you fondle sleeping people.


The tables have turned!

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BASEBALL STARS 2!

I’ve never been a big fan of sports games (with the exception of Pigskin Footbrawl). However, something caught my eye when I was checking out Baseball Stars 2. Something aside from the fact that your teams consisted of grown men with names like Vixen, Mummy, and Anthrax.

It was just another day at the ballpark. I was getting my @$$ handed to me by the Seoul Ivorys (spelled just like that), and the fans in the stands were eating it up. It was the bottom of the ninth, and I had just put in another quarter because the game assured me that we could still win, even though we were down ten to zero. The pitcher pitched, I swung the bat, and the ball went right into the hands of the shortstop. Game over. I lamented the loss, and the fans cheered...



Whoa, what the hell? I know you’re excited for your team, lady, but put that hand away! There are children present!



The umpire called for a time out, but it was too late. The damage had been done.



Well, at least it cheered everybody up. My boys needed some cheering up after their resounding defeat. God bless you, crazy lady.

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Before its US release, Monster Party was toned down a bit. Since the original version for unknown reasons never was released in Japan, all we can know about it is what we can learn from a couple of images swimming around on the net. Which means all we can know is that the piranha plant boss was slightly more realistically drawn, that he had a Marshall amp, and that the title screen looked like it had been manufactured by the nightmare factory. A couple of the elements that collided with Nintendo's guidelines were for some reason left in, like the bloody screens preceding each level and the spooky change in the first level's graphics once you pass the halfway mark.



The plot in this game is as follows: a kid called Mark is walking home in the middle of the night after baseball practice when a monster called Bert comes to tell him there is trouble in Monster World and that he needs his help to defeat various leviathans and demons.



Apparently getting a job at McDonalds requires a higher level of competence than being the messiah of Monster World. Next, Mark and Bert fly off to his dimension. The intro runs along thus:

Bert: Mark, my planet is dangerous. So we must act together.

Mark: How?

Bert: Like this!

Then they fused together.

At this point, Bert puts himself on top of Mark and fuses with him. This is an important gameplay element: if you eat pills you'll find along your way that a monster will come and 'fuse' with you. OMG! HAWT MONSTER-ON-CHILD AKSHUN!

Enough beating around the bush, let's cut to what qualified Monster Party for this project: the beating around the @$$.



One of the first enemies you encounter in Monster World is a naked @$$ sticking out of the ground. It doesn't really attack you in anyway, it's just an @$$ growing straight out of the ground. I don't really know what to make of it, but then again this game is from Japan. For all I know, there's a part of Asian mythology I haven't read about that concerns magical asses ready for the picking. To me, all it is is the first case ever of sado-masochism in a Nintendo game.

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STREETS OF RAGE 3!

Streets of Rage 3 is simply one of the best side-scrolling fighter games you'll ever play. The levels are great, the enemies are fun, and even the soundtrack is worth downloading. Even with all of these plusses going for it, they must have been worried about selling enough copies, because they through in a scantily clad gal as one of the main characters.



Meet Blaze. She's a 5'6" @$$-kicking heroine who apparently didn't want to give out her weight. Typical. Still, it's safe to assume that if one was to weigh Blaze, her clothes wouldn't be a factor since there's not much of 'em to begin with.



Call me crazy, but for some reason I have my doubts about a woman actually choosing to fight in a short skirt and high-heeled boots. For some reason I think some nice sweat pants and sneakers would do the job a lot better. But hey, what do I know? Through the magic of video game animation, she successfully fights her way through all the levels and bosses without a problem. Well, ok... there were a few problems.



Blaze's enemies get more views of her crotch in this game than if she had her own spread in an issue of Hustler. In that mini-skirt Blaze kicks, flips, jumps... she's absolutely shameless about it. Come to think of it, maybe that's been her strategy all along. Show the enemy a lil' muffin to distract 'em and then beat their asses. Eh, who are we kidding... they just wanted to have a scantily clad babe in the game so more desperate dweebs would buy a copy. Isn't that right you dweeb? What's that? You want to see her in action more? No, screw that. Why don't you go buy the game if you need to see 1 pixel of underwear that badly? Piss off.

Oh alright, one more time...


Now, I would like to say that the Blaze slut-factor is the only thing in this game that I had to write about. That's just not the case. Sure, there's other women with whips and what not, but that's nothing compared to this little secret...

In the Japanese version of "Streets of Rage 3" (known as "Bare Knuckle 3"), you confront a character by the name of Ash on level 1. He's quite the flamboyant character, as you will see in a minute. There's a little secret about him though... you can actually play as him. When I first heard that you could play as Ash, I figured they were talking about "Evil Dead" Ash, not "YMCA Reject" Ash.



After you beat Ash, if you press all three buttons on your Genesis controller and the start button at the same time and then die shortly after, the next time you continue you'll see the option to choose Ash as your character. And why wouldn't you choose Ash? What are you a homophobe? Ash may be a bad Japanese stereotype of gay men, but he can beat (er slap) the enemies into a pulp with very little effort. I mean, just look at the power you'll have at your fingertips.



OOO LA LA!



OH YOU SSSSILLY BOY YOU!



YOU BETTER WORK IT!



IT'S RAININ' MEN!

I think the choice is now quite clear - Ash is THE character to play as in Bare Knuckle 3. It's a damned shame you can't play as him in the American version of the game. Ah well, perhaps it's for the best. I don't want the bad guys to win or anything, but I still want them to stand a fighting chance. If Ash and Blaze were to combine forces, shoot... they'd be absolutely unstoppable. Actually, they sorta did meld the two together... anytime Ash screams, it's the scream of a woman.


A match made in S&M Heaven.

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RIVER CITY RANSOM!

One of the greatest NES games, River City Ransom challenged our perceptions of high school life. Forget everything you thought you knew, high school was really all about pummeling gang members, taking their money, and blowing it all at Hack's Chicken Shack. It was about beating the hell out of someone for $1.25. It was about spewing epic amounts of vomitus.

But it was not without its shameful moments…



Fighting the mafia AND the Squids was bound to get you good 'n tired pretty fast. Fortunately, if you couldn't afford to buy and eat an entire pizza, there was a cheap alternative:



The local health club. Sure, they didn't have a lot to offer (hell, they couldn’t even afford to get a name), but what they can give you is the cheapest sauna in town.



Three fiddy? I’d be a fool not to take advantage of this great offer! Sign me up, nerdy bald man!


"Alex was very uptight, and the sauna was so relaxing…"

Well folks, all I can say is BARF! Speaking of asses, though, there was another curious specimen roaming the many malls of the river city.



Typical street walker clothes, but definitely not something I want to see on a young boy. No wonder he looks so pissed off. I’d be mad too if I were made to strut around in a tube top and hot pants. Especially white ones. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, not even if you're a wee lad whoring himself out to support his family. Ah, life in the big city.

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THE "CHO ANIKI" SERIES!

Ok, this is going to be a somewhat long page compared to the others. Why? Because it's about more than one game for one thing - it's about an entire series of completely insane "kuso-ge" (shoot games) by the name of "Cho Aniki". Rather than let you off easy with exposure to one of the games, I figured I'd torture your eyes with some footage from almost all of them. These games don't have just 1 little sexual moment in them... these games are pretty much nonstop romps through the deepest and strangest perversions straight outta Japan. Still, they're fairly obscure and thus need to be exposed. We begin with "Ai Cho Aniki" for the PC Engine (ie: the Japanese version of NEC's Turbo Grafx-16 system). I've heard that it loosely translates to "Super Big Brother" and/or "Great Big Brother", but as far as I'm concerned, it really translates to "A Bunch of Speedo-Wearing Homosexual Lunatics with Holes in their goddamned Heads."



I like how the back cover instructs us to DO THE MUSCLE, yet it's quite vague as to which muscle we're supposed to "do" exactly. Then again, one glance at some of the imagery, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what muscle they're probably speaking about. Onward to the game itself...



In this first installation of Cho Aniki, you play the part of Samson... he's the crazy guy in the speedo. Basically, it's a side-scrolling shooter game - with a lot of strange shoot going on. At one point you're trying to fend off a fairy and her boat of angry semi-nude men, and the next minute you're going mono-a-mono with a giant naked guy who flies around in half of a meteor. Or is it a planet? Damned if I know. Just as long as it covers up his jigglies I'll be content.



I don't really know why Samson can fly, nor do I know why he has a hole in the top of his skull which he can shoot from. I don't really know why he encounters a train filled with more semi-nude men who enjoy diving off of a board even though there's no actual water to dive into. And furthermore...



I have absolutely no clue as to what's up with this guy. He obviously has a thing for signs 'n stuff... a traffic cone for a hat. But trust me, you don't need to see that traffic cone to know that you need to swerve out of the way of this guy. His crotch is just like one giant tumor that's begging for you to stare directly at it. The flowery background is a nice touch too, yes?



I'm sorry, I just had to show you that guy close-up. Besides, I've taken the time to go through these video ga(y)mes, so the least you can do is look. Look oh so closely. Well, at least after looking at that guy you've got an idea for a Halloween costume next year, eh?


"He's got the cutest little dinghy in the Navy, heave ho... heave ho!"

Yeah, there's an underwater level and sure enough, you encounter even more guys in speedos. This time they're attached to anchors and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Still, even though these guys are sinking to their demise, they put their best "Right-Said-Fred" pose. If you've gotta go, look good while you're doing it. I guess that's their philosophy.



Ok, now that pretty much throws any sexual ambiguousness that the game had right out the window. I did mention that one of Samson's attacks has him sprinkling his enemies with faerie dust didn't I? Sadly, I don't think that's even the worst of it. In fact, I KNOW it's not the worst of it.



Oh you still think you can handle more do ya? Hah, ok tough guy, let's see just how manly you feel after taking a gander at this image from the game:



YES. YES. YES.

So there you have it for the first Cho Aniki appearance. If they had a plan with this game, I can only assume it was this: If you want to make an impact on the gaming world, show them something they've never seen before. And by god, they sure as hell accomplished that.


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Now we move onward to the Super Famicom (ie: the Japanese version of the Super Nintendo system) and the release of "Cho Aniki Bakaretsu Rantou Hen." I have no idea what the rest of that text means, but I'm guessing that's a good thing. A damned good thing. Unlike "Ai Cho Aniki" which was a side-scrolling shooter from homoerotic hell, "Cho Aniki Bakaretsu Rantou Hen" is more along the lines of a typical Street Fighter games. Well, typical probably isn't the right word to use, because this game is anything but that. And now let's meet a few of the splendid characters you can choose from:



BOTEI: He reminds me of something straight out of the movie "Beastmaster". Still, I don't recall anybody in that flick pulling off crotch-exposing yoga stretches in mid air, nor do I recall any of them wearing pink armor... but hey, maybe my memory is just fuzzy.



MAMI: Mami is all woman. Well, ok, part woman, part battleship filled with nude men. How come Carnival cruise lines doesn't have something like this for one of their vacation packages? I'm particularly fond of the heart anchor that's hanging off the side of the ship. What a wonderful touch.



SAMSON: Yep, Samson is back and....... gayer than ever. I'm sure that's all that needs to be said about Samson.



ADAM: No longer is Adam an enemy for you to encounter, now you can control his naked @$$. And with moves such as "The Crotch Cannon™" and "Check Out My @$$ While I Hide In My Half-Meteor™", why wouldn't you want to?

There's other characters too, but they just don't compare to the aforementioned frolicking foursome. But what about the gameplay itself? Well let's take a look.



The combination moves are pulled off in the same way you'd pull off a combo in Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat, but it seems like there's a lot less combos for each character in this game. I guess that's not too surprising considering that you don't even have... hey wait a second. What in the frack is going on in the background there!?



Holy sweet drunken ninja jesus, it appears that our battleground is none other than a field of daises. A field of daises with floating, muscle faerie men in pink speedos. That's too gay. That's just too too too gay. Even gay people would be offended by how excessively gay that is. Keep in mind, you're having to stare at that background while people like Samson and Adam are also pulling off some very suggestive moves in the foreground. You know what? I think I need some time away from this level. I'm going to go to a place that would truly shun such imagery. I'm going to church.



Ah, good old church. A place where I can relax in peace and clear my mind of... what in the!? NO! IT CAN'T BE! GODDAMNIT IT IS!!!!



Yes, we've apparently entered "The Church of Flamers". While you're duking it out with your opponent in church, you're treated to giant purple men doing squat thrusts before your very eyes. All that was once holy and sacred has been tainted by the Cho Aniki series. Hmm, you know... that's actually kinda cool.


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Moving right along, we now take a look at "Cho Aniki" which was released on both the Sony Playstation and the Sega Saturn. I've been unable to get my hands on this game so far, so I can't get too in-depth as to what it's like, but the artwork and digitized characters pretty much tell you all you need to know about it.



I'm not really sure what's going on with the cover here, but apparently they've now added baby angels to the mix of characters. Perhaps they're representatives of the church of flamers from the last game, or maybe they're just angels of death trying to rid the world of games like this. I suppose time will tell.



Just like with the game "Pit Fighter", they really use digitized characters all over the place in this game. The fact that they could actually find people willing to play these parts is amazing. Then again, it is Japan. I once saw a show there where a guy from there towed a truck with a rope tied to his penis, so I guess this isn't too surprising. Gotta love that guy with the golden visor on his head. I'll bet that's where he gets his power from. Genius.



So in this game, they return to their roots with another side-scrolling shooter. What's great is, in addition to your own hilarious characters, you can tell there's all sorts of lovely things going on in the background.



Take this for example. Had I not pointed it out to you, you might have missed the naked guy sprawled out in a flower patch. Aren't you glad you've got me as a tour guide who will leave no stone unturned? Please, save your thanks for later.



Ok, now right here is the reason that I must play this game. Not only do they have a green muscle guy turned upside-down while another guy rides him like a pogo-stick, but they have a huge Japanese guy who... appears to have raped a sentinel from the Matrix. I mean seriously, what in the hell is going on with his crotch? You wouldn't believe what his big attack is. Ok, well, maybe at this point you would.



And lookee here, it appears as though you have to fight a cheerleader pyramid later on in the game. Well, it's not really cheerleaders, it's just a bunch of Japanese guys in speedos... but that's close enough I suppose. It's also nice to see that the character you play as is completely naked. Always a great selling point for a game.



I'm with you kid, I'm with you.


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Our final destination is "Cho Aniki Seinaru Protein Densetsu" (roughly translated to "Super Brother: Legend of the Holy Protein") for the Sony Playstation 2 system. It's kind of amazing that they'd make one of these games for a powerful system like the PS2... then again, it's surprising they'd make these games for any system. Playing these games on any system is an insult to the system itself (even if there was an Atari Jaguar version of Cho Aniki). Still, I can't help but feel like if you own a system that one of these games exists for, your game collection will never be complete without owning at least one Cho Aniki game. Just imagine having some friends over and telling them you got this awesome new game from Japan. They wouldn't even have time to prepare for the onslaught of blatant flashy-speedo imagery that all of these games provide. Good times I tell you, good times indeed.



Anyway, from the look of the box it at least looks like it's a semi-professionally made PS2 game. The weird thing about this one though, is you don't play as Samson (or his "friend" Adon), you play as the Holy Protein. I'm sure that's just a fancy name for "sperm" in Japan. But yeah, you're just this little glob of protein that can shoot at its enemies. Still, Samson and Adon are always at your side, helping you fight the good fight.



Now what in the hell is going on here? I'm not sure, but it looks like they might be bowling in space with the sperm, er protein, on a long track of naked men. At this point, is anything even shocking anymore?



Hmm, no, I guess not.



For a PS2 game, these graphics look pretty friggin' horrible. Not that I'm really complaining, I could easily do without seeing the detailed glistening of Samson's @$$ cheeks during battle. And check out some of the enemies there. It appears someone mated with a shark and created a man-shark hybrid a la' "Sharkie" from "Cabin Boy". Yes bestiality, one of the few remaining vices that the Cho Aniki creators hadn't tapped into yet. But let's not forget the nice addition of the axe-pick wielding, tighty-whitey wearin' construction workers.



So tell me, does it burn when you urinate? Pfft, that's nothing compared to this giant statue that PISSES LAVA. And, for no apparent reason whatsoever (unless it's something they're going to use for a sex toy later on), you have to battle a giant CORN ON THE COB BOSS. I have to say, they totally redeemed themselves with that last one. I can't think of a better evil boss than corn on the cob.



So what does the future hold for Samson, Adon, and all the other misfortunates in the Cho Aniki series? I really don't know, but one thing's for sure: the next game is totally going to change Cho Aniki's reputation. No longer will there be greased up muscle men in search of protein. Instead, we'll see a brilliant adventure game with a deep plot, rich characters, incredible bosses, and a stunning conclusion. It will truly be a game for the whole family to enjoy and reminisce about for years.

Yeah... like hell.


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KUNG FU!

Kung Fu is a game a lot of us hold close to our hearts. It was one of the very first games released for the NES and therefore one of the main hour thieves back in the day when our mothers needed a break from the Super Mario Bros music. It was also one of the first NES games to advocate homosexual group sex.



If you've ever played Kung Fu, and I'm assuming you have, you probably know what I'm talking about. The 'generic guy' enemies in this game attack you not by using kung fu or at all hit or kick you: they walk up to you with their arms above their heads and then grab hold and embrace you. If one of them already is latching onto your @$$, that doesn't mean the next guy is left with nothing to do. He just grabs the nearest @$$ and has his way with it. And so on and so forth, it's a lot like those toy train sets with magnets on the carts. Magnetic mantrain set.



While I know what this looks like, I have no idea what actually is going on. So I fired up Kung Fu 2, the sequel I don't think even was released in Japan. Perhaps seven years of progress and enhanced graphics could provide an answer?



Nope. Nice pants, though.

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RAMPAGE!

Ah yes, Rampage was always a childhood favorite of mine. What other games had the 3-player arcade mindless smash-em-up action that could be found in this little gem? Not many I say, not many at all. It was just one of those games that you and your pals had to play if you saw it, even though you had already played it a million times.



So you start off with three different characters to choose from. George is basically supposed to be like King Kong, Lizzie is your Godzilla, and Ralph... well, he's just a fracking werewolf I guess. I don't remember any goddamned stories about giant werewolves destroying entire buildings, but then again, I haven't seen all of the "giant monster" flicks out there so who knows. Ralph has a cool expression on his face and that's good enough for me. Besides, Ralph got the shaft on the NES port of this game, so he deserves his props.



So there you are, three mighty monsters, looking to tear down the cities of every state in the country. If you were an asshole like I always was, you spent your time trying to kill your buddies instead of helping them destroy the buildings. As easy as this game is, you still die here 'n there... it's inevitable. Once your energy runs out it's bye bye giant mutant monsters...



... and hello ugly little sissies. Yep, you shrink back down into your human form (ie: the way you were before you were exposed to the radioactive stuff). But that's not the best part. The best part is that you have to stand before the partially destroyed city completely naked. Sorry, this isn't one of those stupid "Hulk" moments, where his clothes magically stretch out enough to still cover up his genitalia whenever Bruce turns into the Hulk. This is reality. If you grew into a giant beast that's as large as some buildings, your clothes are going to be torn to shreds (and possibly consumed by your nasty beast self).


If you squint your eyes you can see their... nope... nothing. Damn.

Sure, they're naked and quivering with fear now, but all of the parts that make the baby jesus cry are covered up. Not too risqué, right? Well then, let's skip ahead roughly a decade and see how the times have changed Rampage.



I was so excited to hear that Rampage was making a comeback, and World Tour did not let me down. They kept all of the fun of the original, only they souped up the graphics to look more like claymation. As if that wasn't enough, they gave ol' Ralphy boy a blue dye job... OOOO YOUR SO PUNK RAWWWWK RALPH!



Something that amuses me is how in the beginning of the game they mention that it contains animated violence. Sure there's violence in it, that's obvious, but what about the adult themes that are present in this game? You'd think that would be something parents might want to know about, right? Let's take a gander...



From the very get-go, there's already signs that they're trying to appeal to horny young teenagers by presenting us with a live Scum-Link feed of a busty babe in a tiny skirt with high heels. Even more blatant, when the mutants first strike, the camera accidentally pans down to her breasts and then cuts off. Oh you naughty programmers you.



Goddamn, have they no shame? Well I guess that's why they call themselves Scum after all. There are animated "Live Girls XXX" signs in some of the cities, and while you can't actually go into these strips joints nor scare any strippers out by destroying the building, you can still see a little peep show:



Lizzie apparently became a bleached blonde with a boob job during the past decade, but the Hollywood dream didn't pan out so she's still making nude appearances in video games. It's a sad story and we've all heard it a million times, but I'm still amazed they got away without an adult warning. I mean, there's obviously pubic hairs and breasts there for the kids to see anytime Lizzie dies. But nothing could prepare me for this...



Oh my god, did I just see what I think I saw? No it couldn't be. Yes it is! It's...



Whenever George or Ralph kick the bucket, you're treated to an eyeful o' cock! So how's that for progress over the last decade, eh!? EH!? Oh shut up, you know you love it. Each and every last one of you do.

Well there you have it folks, look what a mere decade can do to a fun game for the family. At this rate, if they keep making these games, Rampage in the year 2030 will no longer be about 3 movie monsters wreaking havoc upon the world. Instead, Rampage will be about 3 mutant ex-junkie strippers who destroy buildings not with their fists, but with their naughty parts all in the name of Hitler. :o shoot, I just gave somebody out there an idea didn't I. Forget I ever said it. Move along, nothing to see here.

In the end, the Rampage series may not be the most thought-provoking games you can play, but it's a great way to let out some aggression with the added potential to see a rare glimpse of digital wang. And hey, the game still managed to give me some of the best advice I've ever received:

YOU MUST EAT FOOD TO SURVIVE. CLIMB BUILDING AND PUNCH OPEN WINDOWS TO FIND FOOD.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LANDSTALKER!

Milking the oft used RPG formula of going to find the great treasure, but settling with saving the world, Landstalker put you in the shoes of a scrawny elf lad named Nigel. He and his fairy chumpette, Friday, fought through corrupt noblemen, grinning mushrooms, and at least a dozen different kinds of colored bubble monsters, all in pursuit of fabulous treasure. But of course, Nigel the Landstalker didn’t earn a place here in this piece just by slicing Jell-O monsters.

You can expect to find quaint, bucolic villages in almost any RPG out on the market. They’re where you’ll get your first dungeon-exploring quest, and they’re where you’ll first learn that you can sleep off even the most grievous injuries at the local inn. Unfortunately, the countryside villages in this game are sullied by the presence of foul-mouthed fowl.



Geez, that is a chicken that doesn’t beat around the bush. The rooster must be slacking off big time. Still, if you think that’s bad, wait ‘til you hear what the dog has to say…



If that isn’t the language of the devil, then I don’t know what is…

Fine, maybe it is just regular dog-speak, but I still think it’s a bit odd. Especially coming from the mouth of a dog named “*”. Not Nigel, though, he doesn’t see anything strange about it at all. Then again, he isn’t the most observant guy in the world.



Yes, Nigel, I think the toupee-wearing skeleton is probably dead. Idiot.



Boy, those Japanese and their phallic symbols. It's hard to believe that nobody was raped in the making of this game. Still, say what you will about the giant vibrating phallic mushroom, he still carries a good amount of gold on himself. Where does he keep it? You don't want to know.

--------------------------------------------

DIRTY CHALLENGER - MUSCLE MAN!

Pick just about any wrestling game out there and you'll find a handful of suggestive positions. Which isn't that extraordinary, since real-life wrestling basically is gay sex with a couple of flimsy bathing suits thrown in to keep actual penetration out of the equation. So 95% of the time a gayish move in a game isn't reason to bunch ones panties. When an entire game is about dry-humping your opponent unconscious, we're talking about a horse of a different color. In fact, we're talking about a rainbow-colored wild stallion in a mare-less stable.



Now, a lot of the characters in this game look a lot like the M.U.S.C.L.E. characters, but I don't know if this is another Japanese knock-off or a spin-off product gone horribly horribly wrong. I've been told that there's an animated Dirty Challenger series in Japan, but all I know about it is that basically everyone is calling it 'The Cho Aniki show'. And finally, I have no idea what the game is about since it's in Japanese. So, what do I know? Well, this is basically it:


There are men in costumes.


Floating heads appear.


The babies are about to burn to death.


Homosex ensues.

You may be wondering just how gay this game is. Well, don't take my word for it, let me illustrate with these animated sprites:


You buying it? No, ok...


Clearer now? No? I got more...


Now we're talking. But wait, there's also...


Oral rape!


And reverse cowboy!


And anal fisting! Enough? Oh come on, one more...


Gay furries! Which is a Nintendo first, unless I'm mistaken.

I've never figured out how to perform these attacks, so that's me being given it in all the screenshots above. For all I know, this game could be about being everybody else's dog. Well, I'm sure there are ways to win a fight, but I'm not staying to find out.

--------------------------------------------------------

KID NIKI 3!

"Kid Niki Radical Ninja" was always one of my favorite games to play on the good ol' Nintendo Entertainment System. I'm not sure what the attraction was. Maybe it was because you had to fight countless hordes of men who looked like the fathers of "Shy Guys" from Super Mario Brothers. Or, maybe it was simply because the artwork on the box and cartridge was hot pink?


Yeah, ok, I'm pretty sure it was because of the latter.





One of the best things about Kid Niki was his awesome... excuse me... radical hair style. So my question is, why did they change it for this particular sequel? In Kid Niki 3, also known as "Kaiketsu Yanchamaru 3 - Taiketsu! Zouringen" since it was only released in Japan, he no longer had the porcupine spike hairdo. Instead, he has a simple ponytail. That's -300 "Radical Points" right there, buster.



I mean really, just look at how his old hair used to look. You can't tell me that those spikes aren't more radical. Hell, they even managed to work in the spikes on the old Commodore 64 version!


***RADICAL!***

I'm not sure why they changed his hair, nor do I understand why his face became shaped like an eggplant. And speaking of which:



Yep, one of Kid Niki's enemies is an eggplant with feet. There's also a throwing star with feet (awww, cute lil' bugger) and a flower that has a hand pop out which tries to shoot you. Amidst all of these oddly delectable foes, there is one that stands out. You see, one of the other major changes with the 3rd Kid Niki game is the inclusion of something a bit more juicy. Something a bit more racy. Something a bit more spicy. Something a bit more... penile.



Now I'm all for the appreciation of art, and there are many impressive statues of nude people all over the world, but I'll be damned if I can remember one that can actually move, let alone shake its salami at ya. Kid Niki, you may no longer be a radical ninja after this game, but by god, if you're going up against a bunch of enemies that are trying to piss on you... you're still braver than most of us.

--------------------------------------------------------------

TOILET KIDS!

I admit that I had not heard of this game up ‘til a couple weeks ago. Of course, given the title, how could we not include it in our little list? That’s right, we couldn’t. We were absolutely helpless against the will of Toilet Kids. Anyway, as far as I can tell, Toilet Kids is the story of a young lad who wakes up in the middle of the night, in need of a bathroom break, and is sucked into his toilet to battle the mysterious, dangerous forces within. Aren’t foreign cultures wonderful?



Ah yes, a truly frightening enemy indeed. Woe unto those who wrong the giant urinal and his toilet bodyguards. And not a urinal cake in sight.

But I could go on and on about what other kinds of weird crap is going on in this game. Giant, neatly-coiled piles of shoot, crap-throwing frogs, golden poo, etc. But there’s something else that I think you all should see.



There’s the unnamed hero of our bathroom bonanza.
Aw, look at him. He’s sleepy! What a cute little kid.



Hey, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing? Hold on just one…



Aaaaauuuuuggghh! Oh for the love of God and all that is holy!

Now I know what you’re thinking: this is the worst cutscene I’ve ever seen. Well you’re right. There’s really nothing more to say beyond that. Just rest assured that someone is going to hell, and for once, it isn’t me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

RINGS OF POWER!

Rings of Power for the Sega Genesis has a small, but rabid following. OK, so it moves at slightly below 2 FPS. And the graphics look like they were done in MS Paint. And it's a shameless Lord of the Rings rip-off if I ever saw one. Still, does Lord of the Rings have an inn by the name of 'Lobotomy Club'? Nope, and I think few will protest when I say that 'Lobotomy Club' is a way better name than 'Prancing Pony'. Furthermore, Lord of the Rings does not have a beggar that demonstrates his right to swear, complains about his code and starts reciting Black Sabbath lyrics with no reason at all. And this is only what you encounter within five minutes of gameplay in Rings of Power.



There is another reason why this game was played, though. If you press and hold a bunch of buttons on the second controller (down, right, A, B, C and start) and then reset your system, you get a special little treat. Pulling this off on an emulator was a lot of work, as my computer started whining like a little dog whenever I tried to hold forty different keys down at one time. The trick is to assign all these buttons to one key. The reward is a slightly different company logo. You get an Eye full of a Blonde Girl and the sweet stuff! :D


Oh, Naughty Dog Software, you sure are naughty dogs.

I played the game a bit, and found the aforementioned inn. And lo and behold, there she was, the woman from the intro. I thought I'd try my luck with the 'show' command.

-------------------------------------------------------------

PULIRULA!

Pulirula is a game that tells a familiar tale about controlling time that we've all heard before. In the kingdom of Radishland, time is kept flowing not by the wicked machinations of Shub Niggurath, but rather by keepers turning "Time Keys." Some bad guy decides to steal the Time keys, thus messing up each of the cities whose keys were stolen. An old man "impressed by a sense of danger" calls in two children and gives them his "invented magic stick" to defend the towns and get time movin' again. Basic stuff, really.

Anyway, what follows is a lot of clubbing with said magic stick. For some reason, whenever you club an enemy, they turn into an animal and run off the screen. What that has to do with time being halted is beyond me. What's even more confusing, however, is when your bludgeoning takes you to stage 3, and the madness therein:



There's your greeting. The screaming blue-haired man. And just next to his gigantic head, the yellow-dressed flag woman.



Still no clue as to how time being halted is responsible for... this. Luckily, a robot I clubbed turned into a dog and explained the whole thing to me:

"This town is controlled by the dream of a megalomania and all places are such circumstances."

Oh, those canines and their terrible grammar. What the dog doesn't tell you is that the dream the town is stuck in has a couple bits of titillating weirdness hanging around.



Aside from what the red eggplant man is doing, the sumo on the wall is making me really uncomfortable. He's assumed the position (and not the sumo wrestling position) and he's grinning at me. Forget it, Mr. Sumo. This magic stick is not for you. The eager sumo is nothing compared to the other bit of ribaldry:


CRUSHING LEGS OF DOOM!!!

Players of the Japanese version of the game are treated to this unique hazard. And probably better grammar, too. Anyway, while dodging the deadly thighs, I noticed that there was a door between the two legs. What's inside it, you ask?



An angry pink elephant. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

--------------------------------------------
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II
THE ARCADE GAME!

Ok ladies, what is it that you find so appealing about slimy green mutated turtles? Oh right, I forgot... NOTHING. Well, apparently there's always someone with a fetish for just about anything out there, and April O'Neal happens to dig the turtle schlong when it pokes out from within its shell.



Unfortunately for the turtles, she's once again found herself into the hands of the foot clan (hmm, I guess their fetish is for feet?) and now she needs to be rescued. Even worse, the Shredder seems to have turned April over to one of his mutated minions: Baxter Stockman.



Baxter always creeped me out. Something about him just never sat right with me.



Well anyway, Baxter is a relatively easy boss to defeat. You just keep jumping in the air while attacking him and he eventually kicks the bucket. Should you be low on energy, there's a piece of pizza on the ground so you can restore all of your health. Doesn't get much easier than that folks. On a side note, try playing through this game and see how many advertisements there are for "Pizza Hut" in it... you'll be astounded. So anyway, you rescue April and... holy shoot!



It appears that she has mutated too! Look at the size of her boobs. Those things are way out of proportion with the rest of her body... not to mention if you scroll up and look at the previous pics of her, it's clear that her boobs weren't that big. What did that mad scientist Baxter do to her!? Ah well, at least she's safe in turtle hands now. Guess it's time to collect your reward, Donatello.



You can only guess what happens next.



Yep, the van starts a rockin' and it's pretty obvious what's going on in there.



Christ April... you already fracked him, isn't that payment enough?

------------------------------------------
GOLGO 13: TOP SECRET EPISODE!

The world of the professional assassin is a dangerous one. As shown in Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode, an assassin has to deal with snipers, the KGP, and an inexplicable inability to shoot while crouching. Still, it was all in a day's work for Golgo 13, aka Duke Togo, aka Mr. "…"

His mission is to find a man named Condor who has information regarding a stolen vaccine. Unfortunately, being an assassin, protection isn't his specialty, and poor old Condor winds up eating it moments after you meet with him. Luckily, you're able to get the info you need from him as he lies there dying. The next step is to meet with your contact at the Alex Hotel.



Ooh, I like the sound of this already. Not that I'm suggesting "Cherry Grace" is a bad spy name, but still…



He's smiling, and it's not because that last part rhymed. No, he knows what invariably comes next when there's suspense and intrigue with spies and such.



Before you can say "wakka chikka," he's laying down his best moves for Cherry Grace. Eat your heart out, James Bond. Before you were out driving fancy cars and battling midget hat-tossers, Duke Togo was shooting the bad guys and nailing the hot chicks, all in one night. Better still, once the lights go out, your health refills completely. Forget about the healing power of laughter, Duke has the cure-all everybody needs.

-------------------------------------------

VENDETTA!

If you’ve seen one game about rival gang members vying for control of a city, you’ve seen ‘em all. Back in the 90s, gangs used to fight all the time, but rather than direct confrontation, one gang would kidnap a beloved member of their rival gang, and thus challenge their rivals to a city-wide brawl, sans guns (except for one guy, and that guy would be a really lousy shot). Unfortunately for players in the US, members of the international community were privy to a unique view of Dead End City’s extremely friendly locals:



These gentlemen presented a new reason why you should be extra careful not to let yourself be surrounded during a fight. Their attack, while not particularly deadly, is nevertheless one of the most frightening attacks in the game. The effect is diminished, however, when in a fit of frottage, the leather-clad gang members will run over to a light pole and hump it until the bulbs fall out and smash their heads in. Fearsome.



And what’s this? Why, it’s one of the vicious Dobermans found throughout the game. This one looks a bit tired, though. I’m not one to be fooled, though. I know that it’s just faking it, waiting for me to make a mistake so that it can rip my throat out. Well not today, mutt.



Hey, what the hell? Augh! Get him off me! GET HIM OFF ME!!!

-------------------------------------------

MIKE TYSON’S PUNCH-OUT!!

Ah, what can be said about Punch-Out that hasn’t been said on this site already? That it cures ulcers maybe, but that would be a lie. Little Mac’s epic struggle against a series of boxing champions from all over the world, each of which was about three times his size, his only aid a balding fat coach that dropped him sarcastic hints in between rounds. The game was mostly just a little offensive towards various nationalities and races, though at one point you came across an opponent who was so much more than that...



I’m talking of course about Super Macho Man. An animated gif really can’t do justice to the speed at which his pecs flex. This is definitely something that made me uncomfortable as a kid. It was like he was trying to hypnotize me into doing unspeakable things. Trying to...



...to make me... make me do... naked... make... manboobs...



...Macho Man... I... am yours... do with me... as you please... your wish... my command.



Even King Hippo agrees: "There’s no way to combat those madcap man-breasts. It’s no wonder I got pummeled in most of my fights with Super Macho Man. And consequently was woken up by my bewildered parents who demanded to know why I was lying blacked out and pantsless in front of the television."

I guess that’s it. Oh, one more thing:



YOU LOVE DOOMLORD1234.
NOTHING GIVES YOU MORE PLEASURE THAN DONATING MONEY TO
DOOMLORD1234. YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF SENDING –Doomlord1234- YOUR MONEY.
YOU WILL GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO DOOMLORD1234.

--------------------------------------

MORTAL KOMBAT 3!

Mortal Kombat has a special place in the hearts of many gamers worldwide. Its various ways to decapitate or disembowel a person disturbed parents and delighted kids. With each sequel, the creators attempted to outdo the previous game, though after Mortal Kombat 2, that became pretty much impossible. Even though Mortal Kombat 3 is probably my favorite of the series, it clearly leaned more on goofiness and re-used animations, and not much effort was made to visualize the gore, as illustrated by fatalities in which severed hands ended up floating next to severed torsos.

Still, the designers must’ve known they had to find a new source of shock material to keep the fans happy. Regular finishing moves just weren’t cutting it anymore. So they introduced Animalities.



Ergo Nightwolf, having just transformed himself into a wolf to put the finishing touch on Jax. Hey, watch where you put that nose, mister. At this point you’d probably expect a brutal disemboweling. Well, you’d almost be right.



AGK! In some kind of jealous fit of pelvic rage, Nightwolf murders Jax’s defenseless groin! Man, look at the blood fly.



Nightwolf wins, yes, but at what cost? This was one of those moments that really made parents, teachers and politicians alike look away nauseously and briefly cup their testicles. And it wasn’t like Nightwolf was the only one doing it. Remember what I said about re-used animations? Well...




Jax, Sub-Zero and Kung Lao all join in on the crotch-rending mania, with Kung Lao occasionally going for all-out savage bestiality. Yeah, that was probably the original name for “Animalities” to begin with. After MK3 came a series of rehashes which, while it worked really well for the Street Fighter 2 series, kind of made the Mortal Kombat franchise bleed to death. It’s good to know that the games won back their popularity with the release of the latest 3D versions. And as far as I can tell, there’s no more mauling of groins. Thank heavens. Who knows what that could lead to in the long run?



Yoo-hoo!

---------------------------------------

SECRET OF MANA!

I now present to you a sad tale. A tale about a brave young lad. A brave young lad who went by the name... "GAY".



Gay always wanted to play. Play I say? I say play. Gay always wanted to play I say, play in the hay and in the month of May I say. Sadly, the other boys did not want to play with Gay I say, so they left Gay alone to play by himself all day I say. Poor, poor gay.



One day, the people of the village decided that Gay couldn't stay, and that they would like him to go far away. Would they let him stay? Nay I say, nay. Tossed out much to his dismay, it was up to Gay to find his own way I say.



As much as this hurt Gay, he found his own way and befriended the bunnies in the field that day. With the bunnies that day, all he wanted to do was play and play and play I say. But Gay didn't want to play in the right way with the bunnies I say. No, he wanted to play in the bad way.



THE VERY, VERY BAD WAY! SO RISQUE! SHAME ON YOU GAY!
SHAME ON YOU I SAY!

But sadly, this was just the beginning of this bad day I say, for you see Gay still wanted to play. But since the bunnies all ran away, he had to find someone else with whom he could play I say. And find someone else he did that day, in another town that wasn't too far away.



He found another boy named Elliot that day, and Gay forced him into his raunchy world of moral decay I say. It was as if Gay took all of his spirit away, and then left him wondering how could this have happened when every night to the lord above he would pray. From this day forth, "There is no god!" is what Elliot would say.



The townsfolk didn't know what actually happened to Elliot that day, but they suspected Gay was responsible in some way I say. Though it may sound cliche, they punished Gay until he confessed what he did to Elliot that day. While he wanted to run away, Gay knew there was only one way out of this squeeze play, and that was to say what made him act in such a bizarre way.



"I was traveling in an ice castle one day, when I strayed into the library I say. But this was no ordinary library in which one could play I say! There were mystical books flying around much to my dismay, but it was obvious that all they wanted to do was display." said Gay I say. "But what did they want to display to you on that day?" said the townspeople I say.



Gay dropped to his knees and cried out, "They showed me pornography I say! It led me astray and now I have nothing left to say except that I'm sorry for acting in such a way! Pornography is to blame for my shame I say!" And on that note, he ran far, far away.



And now this sad story is finally over I say... HOORAY!

---------------------------------------------------------------

BATTLETOADS!

In the world of console games, Battletoads has the distinction of being one of the most difficult games of all time. The oft-overlooked arcade version, however, is far less difficult, but far more violent. It had guns, blood sprays, decapitations, vomiting, and one of the greatest brawling attacks of all time.



In every button-mashing, beat-em-up game, you’re pretty much obligated to fight one really huge guy who does a lot of damage with a single blow. In this case, the huge guy was a really ripped rat with a deep, menacing laugh. Theoretically, you could jump up and kick him in the head, or just work his knees until he bent down to an appropriate level, but the designers had something a little more brutal in mind…



Simply put, you grab ahold of the muscular ratman’s groin, and he lets out a startled yelp, as any man would in a similar situation. Balls in hand, you then start hammering his punching bag until he falls over. Just look at this vicious assault on the poor rodent’s crotch.



Oh lordy. Rest assured that just like the black guy form Kung Fu, the ratman eventually dies after you finish pounding his scrote into Figgie Pudding. And what better way to celebrate such a sociopathic victory than with a couple pelvic thrusts?



Booya, evil. Booya! Seriously, though, what other game can boast that it actually has a crotch-grabbing maneuver, aside from Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker? None, that’s how many.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

GO GO ACKMAN 3!

A lot of the entries in this update are suggested by readers. A lot of the suggestions are good, others are a bit of a stretch, and others have something going for them, but haven't got enough meat on the bone to be worth writing about. After the first five minutes I played Go Go Ackman, I got a feeling the latter was the case.



OK, the chief of the Angel Police looks like he was yanked out from the Blue Oyster Bar in Police Academy. Still, my panties were far from bunched. But I though maybe I should give the game a shot and see how it progressed. This is how it progressed:



I got kissed and stolen! And thrown in jail! This is hardly procedure! When Ackman wakes up in his cell, he tries to recall what happened last night. He thinks really hard...




All right, that's the best use of Mode7 graphics yet. Ackman breaks out of jail, and many levels follow without further run-ins with the chief. We do get to see his progress in the case, though, as cutscenes show him in his office furiously chewing his pink handkerchief, making phone calls and giggling like a girl.



After a while, he apparently reports to God himself. You see, the thing is that Ackman is a demon out to gather souls for his master Satan. No kidding, it's the aim of the game. So naturally, your main enemies are angels (there are also a lot of wind-up toys and stuff, so I'm not sure which version of the Bible is exported to Japan). Which is why God has sent the Angel Police out to get you.



I'm not sure why, but for some reason your nemesis from the first two games is now your ally, and for some reason God is helping the angel who is helping Ackman. Who is the guy the Angel Police is after. I don't know what God is thinking, and I really don't know why he's helping the traitor angel by making himself invisible and hovering around like a set of teeth with a pair of glasses on. But then again, he does work in mysterious ways.

I should also probably mention that the screenshot above is from the Angel Police HQ, and that that backdrop loops. You know that show where they get gay people to decorate somebody's house while they're away, and then when they get back, they all jump out and shout "Yaaay, we decorated your house while you were gone! We're also gay!"? All right, I probably made that show up, but if it doesn't exist by the time this page is uploaded, it won't be long before it does. Anyway, you know that show? If the chief of Angel Police is hired as one of those people, your living room is fracked.



After walking by another three hundred statues of the chief, you finally meet him for the final showdown. And don't think he just gives you the stick like most policemen, he... well, I guess he kinda gives you the stick in his own way. Hang in there, though, and you'll beat him off. Beat him! I meant beat him!



Scarred for life! It all turns out well, though, for reasons I don't understand. But everybody seems be become friends. And guess what?



God is a rockin dude!

-------------------------------------

VOLLEYBALL!

Ah volleyball... what would sandy beaches be without this game? Ok, they'd still be sandy beaches. But still, volleyball is one of those sports that has gained popularity over the years mainly because it has athletic women jumping around in very little clothing. In all honesty, I think the game was just a big joke on women. Guys would get them to play the game in bikinis and jump up 'n down all day in the hot summer weather. It's basically a way of getting girls to jump on trampolines, without the trampolines.



So with the popularity of women's volleyball on the rise, some video game companies have been picking up on this. I'm sure you've all seen the "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball" game for the Xbox. Actually, I'm not sure there is a game in there. I think it's just a disc filled with 3D women who have extremely... er... sorry, I mean Xtremely jiggly body parts. You can bet your bottom dollar that the only people buying this game were horny teenagers that were able to convince their parents that this was nothing but a sports game. Then while mom was out buying them Lunchables meals for the upcoming school week, the kids would spend their time at home, ferociously masturbating to CGI women in skimpy bikinis that couldn't POSSIBLY stay on them in a real game of volleyball.

Still, as controversial as this new game was, it's not the first game to associate volleyball with masturbation. You see, back in the golden days of the Nintendo Entertainment System, there was another volleyball game. Only difference is, this game didn't have the women with enormous breasts. This volleyball was simply a suggestive game on what one should do with his time when he's not busy spiking the ball. But before we begin, we must do the honorable thing and bow to our opponents...



Now that we have done the honorable thing, it's time to sink this game to a whole new kind of low with...


PUBLIC MASTURBATION!

That's right, whenever our volleyball playin' pals aren't busy trying to hit the ball onto the other side of the net, they stand around and practice jerking off. With blatantly suggestive games like this one, it's pretty easy to see how games like "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball" came to be years later.

-----------------------------------

GOURMET SENTAI BARA YAROU!

Gourmet Sentai Bara Yarou is a bit of an odd duck. But then again, it was only meant to be released in Japan, the country of tentacle-rape ducks, so one shouldn't be too surprised.

What the game is about, nobody knows. There's an intro featuring mad scientists, human-gro pods and Playboy bunnies, but it muddles more than it clarifies. It's a good thing, then, that the gameplay is pretty much identical to your average Double Dragon knock-em-out.

But while the Lee brothers only had to deal with punks and raging body-builders, the three heroes of Gorumet have to fight off every reject of nature and science you could possibly think of. For example:



Mr. Cock Rocket. This guy will come crashing down with his explosive manhood and rock your face apart.



Robot Tanuki is inspired by a Japanese mythological creature famous for its virility and monstrous penis. This guy was the inspiration for Tanooki Mario from SMB 3, only we were spared the two-foot schlong trailing between the plumber's legs. Or were we?



This guy has a... well, I don't really have to tell you what he has, do I? Instead, let me show you what he does with it:


Too hot for television!

And finally there are the tiny little guys riding floating robot heads. How do floating robot heads attack, you ask?



By GIVING floating robot head, of course.



Boy, it's a good thing you've got a robot chef who can fix you some salad after all that abuse. Did I mention this game seems to be about beating people up to get ingredients for dinner? Shouldn't be too surprising at this point.

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POWER INSTINCT 2!

Japan has given us a bevy of fighting games over the years. Unfortunately, they’ve been largely off-limits to me because any move more complicated than “quarter-circle forward + punch” is pretty much beyond my means. In fact, any fighting game more advanced than Yie Ar Kung-Fu is likely to end in much cursing. Still, all that ineptitude has not prevented me from bringing you another bit of electronic ribaldry. This time, the game in question is Power Instinct 2.

I have no idea why the assembled fighters are battling each other. The whole game seems to take place in an amusement park, which is dotted with pictures of a strange-looking old woman, perhaps the theme park’s mascot. Among the fighters are a handful of old people, a guy who looks a lot like Axel from Streets of Rage, and a chubby Japanese kindergartener/exhibitionist named Kinta Kojuin.



In the game, he wears some kind of smock with a bear head painted on the front to offset his Moe-from-The-Three-Stooges haircut. Not a particularly dignified outfit to be wearing to a fight, but hey, he’s just a kid. He can’t be counted on to dress himself properly. Then again, what kind of parents would send their kid out in a apron with nothing else?!?!?



Anyway, he’s got his dukes up, and he’s ready to fight. When the fighting actually begins, things really go downhill for him. His fighting repertoire includes using his @$$ as a weapon and giving the player a peek at his hindquarters. Behold:



Yech. Unfortunately, as is often the case, the pre-teen nudity did not end with a few instances of @$$-baring. Whenever Kinta gets knock backwards, you get to see a critical design flaw in his fashionable outfit:



I’m afraid your eyes do not deceive you. Whilst he is flying backwards through the air, you get an eyeful of Peter and his two friends. This marks the second game I’ve covered in which a wee lad does full frontal, and frankly, it’s a streak that I’m eager to break.




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And so this concludes our journey into some of the most disturbing pits of video game hell. On behalf of myself (-RoG-), Dr. Boogie, and Pjalne, we hope you've enjoyed the tour. As stated earlier, this will be an ongoing piece, so if there's a video game with a sexual moment that you'd like to see us do a write-up on, let me know about it!

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