Chapter 3 - Bebe's Kids: It's Animation...And that's About it.

As a youth, I was privileged enough to have ties to several independent video stores, before the coming of the corporate beast known as Blockbuster. As such, I could get my hands on several rented games per week for much less than most people, which shaped a good portion of my vast video game knowledge. The downside is that I often ended up with one or two stinkers that were played once and then shoved under a sofa until I had to bring them back. This is one of those games. Until Someone suggested it, I had only played a little into this game before chucking it under some piece of furniture, regarding it as just another bad game. But now, after forcing myself to get through this entire "game" (I use the term loosely), I can now assure you that the hype is validated: Bebe's Kids is one of the crappiest titles of all time.

Hey, if I had to play through this crap, the least you can do is look at crap like that. I have seen the movie, and it is based upon an old comedian's tale about the time he had to take three kids (It was presumably four at the time) to Disneyland. Someone at Universal FOOLISHLY BELIEVED that THIS would be the next hit. The opening is a tune with digitized "Hey yo!"s and "It's Bebe's Kids!"s coming at you. Level music is crappy 7 note generica that loops over and over. But enough of simply the graphics and sound, let's get into the stinky center of this steaming pile of feces.

At the start, you get to pick from one of these two brats: Kahlil, or Lashawn.

I wish it was me who selected these awful colors, but sadly, that isn't the case. I take Kahlil, because he moves slightly less awkwardly than Lashawn (Both Characters Walk like they're Swimming Through AIR). But that's not to say that they both don't move like a walrus on a treadmill, because they do. They have these elaborate strut-walks which I guess were supposed to be fly, dawg, but in actuality make them a dog to control. And special moves? Hoo boy. In most Double Dragon ripoffs, you usually execute a move by jumping and kicking, pressing both buttons at the same time, holding one while pressing another, etc. Not here. Y punches, X kicks, B jumps, A crouches(?!). That sounds bad enough, but how about special moves? To do a super punch, you have to hold one of the fracking shoulder buttons (L or R) and press Y for the punch, X for the kick. And to do a jump kick, a damned simple jump kick, you have to press B, hold L/R, and hit X. Who could have possibly thought this to be a intuitive control scheme?

Now, we'll begin our game, fully aware that Funworld does NOT permit bevis or vibes (There's a Sign that has No Vibe, no Bevis, No Bevis, No Vibes). Speaking of Be(a)vis, the way you pick up items in this game is the same stupid way as the SNES version of Beavis & Butt-Head (though that game, while not great, was not nearly as bad as this), in that you have to crouch on top of it. But that's just a needle in this putrid haystack of horror.

Upon entering the outside of Funworld, you'll come upon some giant mice and security agents. Then more. Then more, until you realize they're the only two enemies in the entire level. And they don't even ATTACK you, all they do is bumble around aimlessly. Seriously, the only way they hurt you is if you hold still for several seconds right near one and he grabs you, in which case you have to rapidly hit left/right to escape. Use some of your super moves to knock off their heads/toupees in order to make it to something that makes this level look like Final Fight: The House Of Glass.

OK, now I consider myself a fairly resourceful gamer in that I can usually get out of a confusing situation or solve a puzzle in a decent amount of time. But then, I usually apply sensical logic, which has no place here. Assess the situation ... a filthy baby dropping glass on the head of a pumpkin-headed black version of Gomez Addams, who may or may not be Bebe himself. OK, I'll try to help out Bebe by trying to subdue the baby. No luck. Hm, well maybe Bebe is attempting to attack and/or eat the baby, so I'll attack Bebe. Nothing. All right, perhaps I'm just supposed to save the glass from hitting the floor. WHACK - there goes some energy. Many tries later, I figured out that you have to break the glass that the baby tosses down. :Ahem: WHAT'S THE frackING POINT? I mean, the glass breaks anyway when it hits the floor, yet the only way out of this level is to break 10 pieces of glass yourself. And even that took awhile, because the control and hit detection is so off. And Bebe help you if you can't do i within the time limit, because then you'll be sent back to the beginning of the PREVIOUS level, and have to battle through the mice/security hoard just to return to this stupid level. Yeesh.

That right there is about enough to use your Bebe's Kids cartridge as something to throw at the neighbor's dog, but I'm pressing onward. After another level exactly the same as the first one, with the lone exception being that the hot dog guys now throw stuff at you, you'll soon come upon one of the most vile and downright annoying levels ever created by anyone: The Haunted House.

The level basically consists of walking through extremely similar rooms, and going through doors and bookshelves to find more similar looking rooms at random. (Oh, yeah...there's a Secret to the Bookshelves, you see, depending on which side you walk to on the Shelves, you go through ANOTHER ROOM??? THAT'S IM POSSIBLE! IF YOU GO THROUGH A BOOKCASE, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO ONE ROOM! NO SENSE AT ALL!!!!) And of course, these things seem to actually open about every one in four times. This goes on until time runs out. You may find a trapdoor in your wandering, but all that does is drop you on a ledge that has a 1-Up and a stupid chain weapon. Unfortunately, this ledge is also back at the beginning. There's only one way to escape this Haunted House - see that little penis at the top of the screen? It's actually supposed to be a thermometer, and the closer it gets to red, the closer you are to the end. Luckily for you, I can't express in words how mind numbingly monotonous and frustrating this stupid level is. One stupid room with stupid mummies and stupid paintings that shoot stuff at you after another. It just keeps going until you're practically praying for the time to run out. Even with the thermometer, it's just random walking from room to room until you're lucky enough to find a new color for 200+ seconds. My head hurts.

Next comes (you guessed it) more levels with micemen and bald security guards, until you board a pirate ship for some reason. Then, all the pirates, who are supposed to be employees of a really crappy amusement park, all run and attack you. Even if the security guards had put out an all points bulletin, it seems to me that hucking swords at two ugly kids is a bit excessive. However, they do drop their pants when you attack them. What that means, I have no idea.

Eventually you'll come upon a giant, horribly mishapen Pirate Boss that can shoot cannonballs at you, but he's just as easy to take out as any other enemy. This leads you to the most amazing part of the game: a side-scrolling beat 'em up level that actually has NO mice or security guards! Yee ha!

No, instead it has slimeballs in McDonalds outfits and sinister corporate executives. After this section, which is just like all the others except with a different background and 2 or 3 parts where you actually have to make use of the jump button for the first time in the game, you'll come upon a short area with hooded nerds draped in raincoats. Then ... the final boss. He looks like what would seem like a Fag-like T-1000 from Terminator.

Up until now, while some levels like the House of Glass and Haunted House were so mind-numbingly awful that they gave off the illusion of being tough, this entire game is very easy to get through (minus the emotional strain) if you know what you're doing. However, this stupid robot is nearly impossible. First off, you have to shake the feeling of claustrophobia in the little space you have to maneuver. On top of that, you need to block out the "Too Strong!" "Too Strong!" "Everybody!" vocal samples in the background music. Then, you have to hit him in the chest, and this battle features some of the worst hit detection I've ever seen. You might hit him once every 10 tries, and that's while avoiding his prancing around and his lazers. After you knock his head off, it hangs from the ceiling and spits fireballs at you, giving you even less room. After a long, extremely tedious fight, you get to watch the horrible two frame ending. "Funworld! Funworld!" "Peewee,Dont!" And it ends.

At this point, I burned my Bebe's Kids cinema reel so I'd never be tempted to use it in another review. The worst play control this side of Rocky & Bullwinkle, brain damaging goals, annoying heroes, repetitiveness, painful music, and everything else I just talked about truly make Bebe's Kids one of the worst games ever. I think there's only one thing left to say at this point:

If there's any justice in the world, Kevin Wilkinson (The Man behind it all) is currently flipping burgers.

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