Chapter 4 - Jackie Chan's Action Kung Foo: Here's To Butt Whoop.

Long before he teamed up with an obnoxious Chris Rock wannabe, before he battled the Dark Hand in cartoon form, even before the majority of American people knew who the hell he was, I had heard of Jackie Chan. I wasn't quite sure what he did, or why he was fighting spear throwing pot creatures in this odd new game I rented, but there he was nonetheless. Now, ten years later, I can say that I, Doom, knew the coolness of Jackie Chan before the lot of you, thanks to his wacky @$$ obscure NES platform game!

As far as the in-game story, I haven't seen the manual in over a decade, and I remember two versions. That chick with Chan is either his date or his twin sister, and the old guy is either his sensei, or both of theirs. Or Santa's skinny Chinese cousin. Anyway, one thing the stories have in common is that an ancient evil in the form of a grumpy looking green Chan clone returns after 3,000 years, zaps Jackie, and steals the chick. You must rescue said chick (after Jackie stops twitching) and defeat the ancient evil of doom and pestilence. Eh, at least this plot beats Legend of Drunken Master.

The Items and things are Based on Chinese things:

FROGS: I'm not quite sure why, but beating the crap out of frogs in this game makes them spit up useful items. It probably has to do with ancient Kung Fu disicpline of frog whacking or something; don't try to figure it out, just snag the item and be off.

BELL: The Bell does not get barfed up by frogs, but rather appears in random spots to throw off your concentration. If you ring it, the old guy rides down on a cloud to kidnap you, and you play one of four wacky bonus games that help refill your fireball power (explained later), energy, and continues/lives. There's a cloud jumping one, one where you beat up robots, another where you stop bubbles from destroying a floor, and finally, everyone's favorite, the falling fish whack. This game rules.

FOOD BOWL: Looks more like an upside down cake to me, but you do what you can. If you can get a frog to cough this up, resist the thought of downing regurgitated frog dinner and get it, as it refills two ovals of health on the Life Bar. Although the special moves are random, usually a frog that spits a cake will spit it every time.

ORB THING: After killing most enemies, they'll leave behind an orb thing. If you collect (I think) 30 of them, your life and fireball power are fully refilled. I should probably get to the fireball thing, huh? OK, see those 5 little dots on the right of the subscreen? If you hold and release B, Jackie shoots a hadoken. These are pretty effective against bosses and the like, so you may want to conserve them.

And of course, in addition to these lovely items, there are the super Chan-like wacky moves that you can use either 7 or 9 times after you steal them from a frog and they occupy the middle of the subscreen. All of them involve holding up and pressing B, and here they are:

180 Degree Kick to the Crotch: This is the one you'll find most often, mostly because it's generic and dull, but gets the job done. By getting the job done, I mean killing the tougher, "human" enemies in one hit instead of two. Also good to have if a tiger jumps at you, which will happen. As you can tell by the look on Jackie's face, this kick is so boring that it makes him sleepy, so we'll move on to the better ones.

360 Degree Pretzel Kick: This is actually pretty similar to the last one, except that Jackie goes all the way around, taking out enemies on both sides. Plus it looks better. And look, the little guy on the icon is all twisted up like a pretzel, ain't that wacky? ...Fine, this kick is as boring as the last one; it just covers both sides. Happy? I tried.

VERTICAL WAZOOLA: Not too effective against normal drone enemies, but great for anything that attacks from above. Case in point, evil birds. I'm sorry, but I hate birds. Ghosts 'N Goblins, Metroid, Ninja Gaiden, countless others; why the hell do birds hate you so much? I really need to look into this. Or not. Anyway, the Wazoola is also good against big bosses that you'd normally have to jump up and kick. Yep...

THE FLYING TUMBLE: Has its strengths and drawbacks. When you activate it, Jackie does a sustained series of flying somersaults. If you smack into an enemy during this process, they bite it. The most use I get out of this move is doing long somersaults over extended lava/spike pits. And that's where the weakness comes in; 9 times out of 10, the somersault will wear off just before you reach the end of a pit. When that happens, Jackie jumps and grabs his @$$ in pain.

JACKIE JUMPING AND GRABBING HIS @$$ IN PAIN: ...Sorry, couldn't resist.

You have 5 stages loaded with traps, nutty enemies, and frogs, and damned if you're always gonna have a Vertical Wazoola at your disposal. Therefore, you'll need to know the basics. A jumps, B punches. Those are the basics. Well, there's a little more; if you pess B in the air, you'll perform a jump kick, which is the best non-special move you can do. Likewise, pressing B while crouching makes Jackie cower like a pussy and flail his foot around.

And now, you're ready to travel into the uncompromisingly weird world of Jackie Chan.

Doom's Favorite Enemy: Nunchuck-tossing Pot Creature

As with most platform games, Stage 1 is the typical "grassy area with enemies about as smart as a parking meter to get you acquainted with all the moves" level. Eventually, the terrain will vary into lava pits and spikes, and you'll move into a large temple. From here, you must pass the trials of jumping over water and hostile fish and water snake things, super spin kicking the numerous attacking bald guys, and surviving the evil scrolling mad dash of doom. If you have the super kung pow skills to accomplish this, you will face off the evil jolly hippie-god himself, BIG BAD BUDDHA.

Usually a promoter of inner peace and relaxing meditation, Buddha has evidentally been corrupted by the Ancient Evil; either that, or given a swanky new pair of extendable boxing gloves as a bribe. He isn't exactly mobile, and all he has is his extendo gloves, so if you can steer clear of those, hop up on the platform, and hadoken him right in his pudgy face 5 times, all will be good. If you've foolishly squandered all your firepower, use the tried and true Vertical Wazoola to connect, taking more caution to avoid the hands of doom. If you're out of both, then you suck, but can redeem yourself by hitting jump kick after jump kick without getting smacked around.

Doom's Favorite Enemy: Evil Christmas Trees

Falling through the floor after defeating Big Bad Buddha, Jackie finds himself in a fiery hellpit, which ultimately changes into an Ice level for no apparent reason. When in doubt, see the Scroll. After some standard jumping and killing of floating fire things and bald devil men, you'll come upon another scrolling area, only this time it's rising lava just waiting to singe your slow moving @$$. Once you jump around for higher ground, you'll inexplicably enter an ice portion where you can slide around, avoid Xmas trees and falling spikes, and battle the same evil bald guys, only blue ones that shoot ice rather than fire.

Soon, you'll make it to GENERAL POTATOHEAD. As far as beating him, you'd think that the lava below the ice would melt it and force Potatohead into falling to a fiery death, but this game defies your puny laws of liquidification. Instead, you'll again have to go for the face. Although Potatohead has legs, he's still as planted to the ground as Buddha, so all you need to do is employ the same strategy while he pounds his canoe oar of death into the ground. After a bit, he'll stop snoozing and toss the oar around, just run under it and keep kicking him into submission.

Doom's Favorite Enemy: Pickle-tossing Hawaiian Monkey

Every platformer needs a "jumping skill/floating platform" level, and you're looking at it; or at least half of it. But platforms? No sir. You'll be hopping across ROCKET POWERED TURTLE SHELLS, of course. This takes up about half of the level, avoiding airborne enemies, trick shells, and the like. Soon, you'll come into an area rivaling that T&C Surf Designs game with the Gorilla: log surfing! Granted, you don't need the log to get past the level, but up yours; it's fun and it makes things easier when monkeys are tossing pickles at you. As the sky darkens, you'll soon come upon an innocent, item-producing frog ....OR IS IT?

Apparently tired of getting stomped on for food bowls the whole game, the leader of the frogs has managed to morph himself into some kind of winged demon creature. This battle is a tad different from the last two, and Froggy can fly up and down, and is situated on the right of the screen over water. Even if you have 5 hadokens, that isn't going to cut it - even if you avoid the tadpole projectiles and manage to whup up on Froggy, he'll turn red and start firing bubbles at you as well. Probably the toughest of the regular bosses, I would try special kicking him at the onset, then firing on his frog @$$ with some hadokens after he turns red. Oh, and after you beat him, feel free to continue knocking the hell out of frogs to get items for the rest of the game .... they've learned their lesson.

Doom's Favorite Enemy: The Abominable Snowman

Stage 4 is a darker version of Stage 1 with enhanced difficulty and flying pink skulls for awhile, and then it's back to the sky. This time, for the most part, you get to bounce around on clouds (literally; the clouds let you jump twice as high). And there's one other VERY important difference: when you fall down from cloudland, you don't lose a life. That would be fine for your average platform game. In this level, the stage boss KICKS YOU IN THE @$$, right back up to where you fell off, taking away one hit. Beautiful. After avoiding this predicament and navigating the clouds, you'll be able to exact vengeance on the perpetrator himself - PURPLEY THE DEMON.

Purpley actually turns out to be a total puss, probably because he doesn't get to kick you this time. All you need to do is avoid his sweeping arm, and kick him in the eye. He's toast with a Vertical Wazoola, but pretty much any attack is good enough for Purpley. If you can't beat this giant turd, especially after taking the Frog Demon, please don't talk to me. Make Ben proud.

Doom's Favorite Enemy: Demon in the Boot

Here we are, the token last castle. There's one annoying part where you have to vertically jump past these circular ray gun things, which can be a pain in the Shendu, but otherwise, it's pretty straightforward. There's another scrolling area, a buttload of enemies, and much more length than the previous 4 levels. Eventually, you'll take a skullavator to the top floor, where you'll fight a bunch of Dragon minibosses. Conserve your hadokens. You'll eventually free a frog (for a kick powerup), and the Old Man (who was somehow captured after whisking you away to the bonus rounds, I guess), who restores your life. You know what that means - time to face the LAST BOSS.

As stated, Mr. Last Boss is basically a green, evil version of Chan, and likewise, he has the same moves, only predictably amplified to "quickly beat your sorry @$$" proportions. He can be tough, but once you get the timing of his jumps down he isn't too bad. Depending on the manner and direction of his jump, you can usually tell if he's going to kick or hurl a fireball. After you beat on him for a fairly long time, he'll turn into a zombie, and then die ... OR DOES HE? OK, this is a platformer; we know damn well the lot of these, or any game for that matter, has a last boss with a second form. And after rescuing the chick, the Old Man will helpfully provide a cloud which you can ride to battle on. I had no idea what the hell was going on the first time.

You can't fall off the cloud, so don't worry about jumping around like a loon. The Evil Spider has two attacks: multi-fire, and homing claws. The claws are the only one that a blind 6 year old couldn't avoid, so take extra care in maneuvering. Also, beware when using close attacks. Same deal as always, beat his @$$ until he turns red, beat it some more, kill, walk into a forest clearing as the sky changes color with the girl.

ONE MORE THING ... this is a game that most definitely falls into the "typical platformer" genre, but in the same respect, it does a damn fine job of it. Pinpoint control, decent enough graphics, nonsensical bonus rounds, Pickle Monkeys, and so on. Plus it's Jackie fracking Chan; what the hell else do you want?

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