Chapter 7 - Sonic Spinball: Let's Have a Pinball Party.

As we're all well aware of, Sonic is to Sega what Mario is to Nintendo. But every popular video game mascot usually has one or two equivalents to "Mario Is Missing", and the furry blue Hedgehog is no exception. While Sonic Spinball isn't necessarily that bad (or supposedly educational) of a game, although it can be insanely frustrating at times, it just doesn't seem to fit. But that's OK, if it weren't for games like these, I'd probably be out doing something with my life.

The story does in fact fall into traditional Sonic lore: Dr. Robotnik is up to his evil schemes once again, which usually pretty much pertain to turning cute little animals into evil robots. The Veg-O-Machine is what's doing it, and Sonic's duty is to bust it up and free the animals. However, it's not as easy as running through loops and collecting rings this time; oh no. This time around, Dr. Robotnik constructed a magnificent PINBALL FORTRESS. I'm not even going to begin to try and guess what was going through the egg-shaped bastards head at this point, because unless your name is Dr. Wily, your guess is as good as mine.

Starting off, your only help is a marquee mounted to the top of the screen that shows your score, which is occasionally replaced with inspirational words, sarcastic jabs when you screw up, and generally useless text. At this point, the controls fall into those of traditional pinball games - mostly. A and B control the left and right flippers, C flips up both. A couple of things should be noted. First, not all (though most) of your time will be spent in pinballish mode. Occasionally, you'll end up on solid ground. Sonic can make use of his patented spin dash (hold down, repeatedly tap A, B or C) or jump (tap any button) to better his situation. Also, unlike most pinball games, you can control Sonic's movement in the air and ease him in different directions without getting a damned "TILT" message. This is extremely helpful when trying to get into all the wonderful nooks and crannies you'll need to enter to help you find the Chaos Emeralds.

Yep, that's right, after collecting all 7 in the last game, Sonic must have had a hole in his pocket or something, because they're all gone again. If my math is correct, there are a total of 16 in this game, and not collecting them all is not an option. Oh, and they're all blue. Lazy bastards. Anyway, you need to collect between 3-5 Emeralds per stage to gain access to the Boss Room, then defeat the boss to move on. Simple, no? You're damn right "no". Let's see why that is.

STAGE 1: TOXIC CAVES - After flying toward the Fortress on your shoddy plane and promptly getting shot down due to Tails' horrendus flying abilities, you end up in the drink. From there, it's off into pinball land. The Toxic Caves are relatively simple; a main area with two tubes leading to identical acid-filled areas, a mine cart in between, and the boss above that. What is it with video games and mine carts? The first thing you'll notice is that there's a tiny platform between your flippers. Yeah, like that's gonna help. First of all, if you fall at an angle, you'll miss the platform completely, and Sonic will flail his arms like a pansy. And even if you land on it, you'd better get used to the "jump" buttons real quick, or else a giant mechanical dragon thing will eat you for lunch.

Here's where placement first comes in. You have to squeeze into two separate upper chambers, bounce off three grey worms, and knock yourself into switches that drain the slime in a big tub that houses and Emerald. Once this occurs, you can shoot Sonic into the filthy pipes that lead to the acid rooms. There's no platform here, just a steel barrel with an oar. Yes, a steel barrel with an oar, and one that moves around on top of that. Your job here is to shoot Sonic into the loop where he can grab the switch that lowers the mine cart track, then either bust 3 barrels or loop 3 laps to gain access to the tube that leads to the mine cart area. Press left or right to choose your course, and DO NOT go in a direction in which you didn't lower the bridge, because you'll crash, have to start over, and feel like a real dumbass. Doing it right twice will net you two emeralds, and getting to the cart the third time will send you plummeting, as someone seems to have stolen the cart. Never fear though, you'll fall right into the now-drained tub that contains the third Emerald. Onto the boss:

SCORPIUS: One downside to this game is that all the bosses, although impressive looking, are complete pusses. The only problem is falling through the flippers; do that and you'll have to make your way alllll the way back to the boss room, which is a real pain in the Robotnik. To beat Scorpius, all you have to do is jump inside his tail and bounce around until he loses it. Then, bounce off his back until he eats it. You can trigger the four switches above his head to release a barrage of falling rocks, but it really isn't worth the effort. After his demise, you go on to the BONUS ROUND! It's a neat little gimmick pinball game that Sonic himself plays, where the board will shout slogans at you as you gain points such as "Hog Wild", "Grand Slam", "Master Your @$$", etc. I might have made the last one up or stolen it from The Simpsons, I'm not sure. All the Bonus Round gives you is points, but it's a fun little interlude. The point of this one is to free your animal friends from those tubes, then slam into Robotnik. Level 2 awaits.

STAGE 2: LAVA POWERHOUSE - The music in this one kicks @$$. LP is a bit more complex than the previous level, but I actually think it's easier. The only really bothersome part is the steam area, where you have to use blasts of steam (triggered by the A, B, or C button) to blast Sonic up into a tube. However, the steam is not nearly enough; you must boost yourself up off of an evil robotic chicken, and even if you hit it slightly wrong, you bounce all over the damn place for 20 seconds before regaining control. Grugh.

Basically, all there is to this level is busting through doors, using the chicken & steam room to get to the upper levels, busting corks, entering steam vents (rapidly press any button to propel Sonic up), and collecting the 3 Chaos Emeralds. After that's taken care of, move up through all the Chicken rooms to fight the ROBOILER.

ROBOILER: It's a big boiler with four floating Robotnik heads floating around in it. Please, don't try to make any sense of it, that's EXACTLY what Robotnik wants you to do. Instead, fire your little blue buddy up the sides, bust through the doors, wait for the steam to stop blowing, and jump in. Bounce around until one head is destroyed, then the others will vanish as you fall out the bottom and repeat the process 3 times to beat the stupid-@$$ boiler and move on to a level that you might actually have trouble with if you were plastered and your controller was covered in mustard. But don't forget to play the "bash in Robotnik's teeth" Bonus Game!

STAGE 3: THE MACHINE - Now, I know you're tempted to jump into this incredibly originally-titled level, but hold your horses there, Charlie. You must now collect 5 Chaos Emeralds as opposed to three, and it'll take a lot more luck and skill than the previous two levels did. Well, that's a lie; you just need to keep from pulling your hair out while trying to figure out what the hell a Flipper Catch is.

The Machine isn't really all that difficult, just a bit more complex and frustrating. Your first job is to grab onto this moving platform, and then timing your jump into this little space between electrodes. At this point, Sonic will proceed to get the living crap shocked out of him, but it's all good, as these will stop the big wheels and allow you access to other areas and some Emerald goodness. You'll probably end up in the Piston Room, which bothered the holy hell out of me for insane amounts of time, because I couldn't figure out what the marquee meant by fracking "Flipper Catch". It's like that damned cylinder in Act 2 of Carnival Night Zone in Sonic 3 ... argh. I digress. Anyway, you have to use the flipper to hold Sonic in one place, and then the wall-mounted flipper will rise, allowing you a better shot at the little chutes. Once you get through this part, collect the stray Emeralds, and find another Emerald after bouncing around the Animal Prison for awhile, you'll be all set.

VEG-O-MACHINE: This is the bad boy that's turning all the little animals into evil robots, and it also kinda looks like a jukebox with a swimming pool inside. In any event, you have to bust it the hell up to move on. Use the electric beams to propel Sonic into the glass tubes, and keep smacking poor Sonic into them until they break. You can use one electric beam to break both; the momentum will be enough. Then, just shoot Sonic right up the Machine's @$$ to crack the glass. After a few times, the Veg-o will be gone-o. Then you can bust up one of those Sonic end-level things in the bonus round, and watch Robotnik make his *completely unexpected* escape to the last level.

STAGE 4: SHOWDOWN - Since Robotnik couldn't afford to repair the Death Egg in time for this game, you'll attempt to catch his getaway ship in the fiery remnants of the Pinball Fortress and the skies above. This one can really piss you off if you don't know what you're doing, so it's a very good thing that I do know what I'm doing.

The easiest Emerald of the 5 to snag is one at the opening screen, though it's protected by several steel girders which need to be eliminated one by one by hitting a switch several times. Soon, all hell breaks loose as you plow through the "chimney" and into the wild black yonder of space. Then it becomes a free for all of breaking through girders, triggering rocks to blast up your @$$ so you don't fall into the boiling lava, and finding your way into the right Launching Socks. Yes, you read that correctly, I'll explain later. The thing about this level is that the upper half is essentially open space with Robotnik's ship hovering amidst some odd looking space balloons, and the bottom part is practically claustrophobifying. Polas words are the best words, folks. After using all your wits and reflexes to complete your Emerald collection, you can enter Robotnik's Ship through one of two side entrances, or go straight up the bottom after bouncing between descending platforms. And now, it's party time.

ROBOTNIK'S SHIP: Now, I can imagine some intimidation here, as Robotnik has inexplicably become ten times bigger than Sonic. But fear not, all you have to do is shoot up the chutes and slam into the glass part of Robotnik's inner ship 10 times. Unfortunately for you, there are claws and Launching Socks protecting said chutes. The claws will drop you in little compartments that you'll need to spin dash out of, and the Socks will shoot you at a window. Hit it three times, and you're sent flying into space. Good luck getting back up there. The only way to neutralize all these wacky gizmos is to hit the switch on the underside of Robotnik's inner ship 5 times. You'll have to count this yourself, and if you miscount and shoot Sonic through the chutes, it's the window for you. After the obstacles have been taken away, you'll have a limited time to make as many laps over and into Robotnik as possible. You'll know your time is up when Robotnik takes over the top marquee and yells "SMELL MY SOCKS!". No kidding. That means that the Socks of Doom are indeed back in place, as well as the claws, so you need to go for the 5 spot on the switch again. 10 laps into Robotnik and victory is yours.

I'm thinking this game was a dare from Mario, who spends countless hours ramming his poor head into bricks to free powerful plant life. Because after all the crap I put Sonic through, as well as into, in this game, he must have one hell of a headache. It's not a long game (unless you suck at pinball and critical thinking), nor can it really be considered a "true" Sonic game. But it's a satisfying little number with everyone's favorite Hedgehog, and it's definitely an original concept. Pinball Adventure, Pinball RPG ... what's next?

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