Chapter 9 - Hotel Mario: It's No Holiday Inn.

There isn't anyone out there that's picked up a game controller without knowing the name of Mario. I don't care if you're 6 or 60, or what your favorite type of game is, even if you're sick of Mario's smiling, mustached face, you must recognize his iconic status. I can't blame you if you are sick of him, though - I mean, it's common knowledge at this point that he'll accept a new Nintendo game in just about any genre imaginable, but recently, he's been seen whoring himself out to every company that comes calling. However, there was a time when Mario made these types of deals under the table, thinking no one would find out, just like when Bruce Willis goes to Japan to film a BBQ Sauce commercial. Back in the mid-1990's, the N64 was still years away, Baby Mario and Yoshi were getting all the play on SNES, what was a fat, Italian plumber to do?

Contrary to what you may believe, Super Mario Sunshine wasn't Mario's first foray into an evil hotel. And those of us who pine for a simpler time can rejoice in the fact that Super Mario World wasn't the final appearance of the Koopalings (aside from a recent cameo appearance). While many Zelda fans are painfully aware of Link's lamented CD-I appearances, far fewer folks seem to remember Mario's deal with the devil/Philips that came a little while later. Of those who do, even fewer actually know what the hell the game is all about. Fear not, Retroholics, for your old pal Doom is here to serve as your tour guide through the scenic, two-star facilities of Hotel Mario.

Wow. All right, I'm gonna try to do this story justice, but you'll have to take my word that it's far worse to actually watch and hear it. A trend you'll notice with Philips games is that they weren't exactly what you'd call "high budget". Or "medium budget". In this case, it's somewhere around "You can probably find better animation at Newgrounds ". For example: Mario regularly fluctuates between 150 and 400 pounds depending on the way he's standing. Then there's the voices. The few times you hear Toadstool (Peach, you younguns), she sounds like the late Julia Child. If you don't know who that is, and you probably don't, either google it or consider yourself lucky, one of the two. Mario sounds like the token fat, bald, old guy from any 10-15 year old Nyquil commercial. You know, where he sits up and says "Ohh, my achin' schnozz!" in a deep voice and thick accent while his wife (wearing curlers) looks on disapprovingly. Luigi is actually the closest to what Nintendo and Charles Martinet eventually made him sound like - sometimes. You see, there are times when Luigi seems very distinctive. There are other times when Luigi sounds like the Mario guy doing a higher voice while holding his nose. My guess is that the $25 fee and deli sandwich could only be paid to one of the male voice actors, and Luigi therefore walked soon after the intro scene. Speaking of which, let's get to it.

We begin with Mario and Luigi happily entering the Mushroom Kingdom. All is well, as Mario thinks aloud about how nice it was of Princess Toadstool to invite them on a picnic, and Luigi hams it up by saying "I hope-a she made lotsa spaghetti!" while practically smiling and winking at the camera. But hark! From a distance, the nefarious Bowser laughs to himself, as the Bros. are about to discover his evil plan. Indeed, Mario finds a curious note pinned to the ... next door to the Mushroom Kingdom, I guess. You'd think by looking at the "Klub Koopa Rezort" sign that Bowser isn't the most literate giant turtle thing, but he was able to write an entire "Dear Pesky Plumbers" letter. Mario reads out loud, informing Luigi and the 6 people who have played this stupid game that Bowser has turned the Mushroom Kingdom into his own personal luxury resort, and that Mario and Luigi have been dared to siege his hotels and rescue the Princess. A plot worthy of Captain Lou Albano himself. Seriously, this could have gone in between the "Bowser dresses like a cowboy" and "Bowser dresses like Napoleon" episodes of the Super Show, no one would have noticed.

So Mario exclaims that he and Luigi must rescue Toadstool, then Luigi really does point into the camera, and says "And-a-YOU gotta help!" In a final, egregious breach of video game kayfabe, Mario slyly raises his finger and also looks into the camera, then helpfully tells you to consult your manual if you don't know what the hell you're doing. Sadly, I do know what to do, and that's begin the journey through the seven hotels seen in the above map screen. To quote Mario from a slightly more popular game, here we go!

All things considered, this game falls into the old-school puzzle genre more than any other. Remember Elevator Action? That's the best comparison I can give you. Of course, it's that type of game completely Mariocized. To be fair, despite some funky designs, Fantasy Factory did a decent job with the source material here, as there are are no glaring errors or misrepresentations of the characters or major Mario themes. Although, rumors persist that Nintendo had more involvement in this game (and the Zeldas) that they're willing to admit.

First of all, you can clearly see some Mario World influence in the background design and font. I can assure you that this is as close as the actual gameplay gets to SMW. The object of the game: close all of the doors. I'll give your blown mind a few moments to recover .... good? Okay. You're supposed to ride the elevators between floors, shutting doors (Button 2) all the while. I'm pretty sure there was a half-assed rationale to this, something about checking every nook and cranny for the Princess, but one, that makes no sense if you're closing the doors.

If you're able to accomplish your lofty goal, Mario will perform a happy dance and you will advance to the next stage. But as you're running (riding) between floors, Bowser's minions are, you guessed it, attempting to undo your hard work by opening all of the doors. Some emerge from within, forcing you to either stop the enemy flow or be quick with the other doors before a new enemy can pop out of the occupied one. They also like to emerge right as you walk by, which usually results in death due the shootty analog control of the robot dildo controller. Either that, or they'll come out four floors away just as you're about to close the last door. Some enemies are already walking around closing doors, and can usually be taken out with a standard Mario hop (Button 1). Best of all, there are times when you'll ride an elevator to a certain floor for the first time, and four Koopas will emerge from four doors. It's just that type of game. Hey, wait, is that Fire Mario doing the happy dance? Indeed - more on items soon, but enemies can be dispatched with a fireball just as well as a hop, and some enemies can only be beaten with flame.

Standard Mario damage rules apply: Fire Mario -> Super Mario -> Normal Mario -> death. As seen above, Mario can open a door and cower inside, avoiding damage from most normal enemies. However, if you take too long or fall asleep, the bad guys will succeed in opening every door on the stage, which is the same as a "Time Up" or dying. On later stages where every door except one is open, this proves to be a decisive pain in the tokus. There's one other good reason to open doors, and that's the precious items that are sometimes contained within. Just make sure that you're facing the opposite direction you want the item to move when it escapes the door, or it'll quickly glide off the screen and be of no help. If an enemy opens an item door on the floor above you, you can leap up and touch the item to grab it, which is good. Of course, touching an enemy in this fashion, despite defying several universal laws, results in pain. The game is about 50/50 on whether an item pops out of a door when you open it, or if you get the item's effects once you actually enter a door. There is no reason why.

COINS: Defying the Mario tradition, it only takes 30 of these to get you a 1up. To make things easier, the multicolored coin = 10. To make things even easier, 1ups are essentially useless, as you just have to put up with a "Continue?" screen when you run out of lives to start at the same place you died. So yeah, don't go out of your way for coins, even though they're plentiful and a good number of doors yield them. Still, it's fun to open a certain door, go inside and get a rainbow coin, and repeat 5 times. Another unexplainable item glitch.

SUPER MUSHROOM: Makes you Super. Since Mario doesn't begin this game as a freakish midget, the only indication of "Super" is Mario's eerily glowing overalls. All it means is that you can take an extra hit.

FIRE FLOWER: Now we're talking. Not only do you get to shoot fireballs at enemies (by pressing buttons 1&2 simultaneously ... ugh), but your overalls continue to glow in a show of ultimate power and fashion.

STARMAN: Man, he looks positively alarmed about having to be seen in this game. Probably why you hardly ever see him. Randomly pops out of a door about 3 times in the entire game, and grants the usual invincibility for a limited but fair period of time.

Sometimes a stage will contain one (non-coin) item door, sometimes three, sometimes none. They'll always be in the same place, however. If you're normal Mario, a Mushroom will always appear, a Flower if you're Super. If you're Fiery, a Mushroom comes out and moves really fast. The smelly manual calls this "Toad", despite the fact that it looks exactly the same as the regular 'shroom. That's a 1up right there. Good luck finding the star. Items do carry over, so feel free to go back to Level 1-3 every time you want some easy power-ups in order to tackle the tougher stages.

Ah, the stages. Seven hotels/levels, each (most) containing 10 stages each, a stage consisting of a single-screen with doors and enemies as seen above. You'll see later on why this is misleading. The most important part now is that before every new hotel, you get a cutscene like the one where Mario reads Bowser's poorly-written letter. They vary in length, and purportedly give you advice about the upcoming area. Since the first cutscene's "advice" is Luigi telling us that "looks can be deceiving when Koopas are involved", and the only other occurence is Luigi and Mario alley-ooping into Morton's Treehouse, it doesn't even get posted. Fear not, there's more goodness to come. Oh, about Luigi. Take a good look above, because that's the only time you're gonna see Luigi outside of a cutscene in this review, as he only appears in the 2-player game. That could be why they decided not to pay his voice actor. In any case, Morton Koopa Jr. is waiting for us in the first hotel: MORTON'S WOODOOR-HYSTERIA HOTEL.

Yes, all the hotels are :cough: clever plays on the names of real hotels. Morton decided to build his in a giant tree, but I gave up asking questions like "Why don't Mario and Luigi just get a big @$$ saw?" long ago, so we'll have to do things the hard way. Through the ten stages of all the hotels, the background art and music will shift slightly, the number of doors will increase, the layouts will become more complex, etc. You'll also get to meet new and exciting enemies, by which I mean the same enemies you see in every Mario game that may or may not resemble their actual design. Let's meet the bad guys that debut in Morton's level:

GOOMBA: Forever and always, these large-footed evil mushroom things will slowly bumble at Mario. That's pretty much what they do here, except they're taller and can open doors. Even if you're on the same floor as one, it'll just keep aimlessly walking in whatever direction it was going.

KOOPA TROOPA: What would be good is if you could stomp one of them and kick the shell to take out the rest of the enemies on the floor, or even better if it ricocheted down through the floors. Well, you can't do any of that. Stomp and die, just like a regular foe. Koopas move quicker than Goombas, are taller and therefore harder to stomp, and will pursue you once you reach their floor.

WIGGLER: There's a reason the Forest of Illusion was saved for 5th in earlier times, and that's because Wiggler is a pain in the @$$. To beat him, you must stomp on his head. Much like a Pokey, which does not appear in this game, the head will fall off and the next segment will become the head. If you touch a non-head segment at any time, you will die. Very bad if he corners you.

One thing I'll say for the game is that the pacing is pretty good. The hotels obviously get tougher from 1-7, but the 10 stages within each one also have a nice flow. Hotel 1 is very straightforward; elevators that go up/down a floor at a time, not too many doors, and few enemies. Also, the serene jungle motif. One problem is that if you run too far in either direction, you fall out of the stage and die. This only occurs in the hotels with no walls, which while bafflingly realistic, isn't terribly consistent. The other problem is those damn Wigglers in the later stages. Fire Mario's a nice thing to have.

Stage 10 brings you to Morton's Tree House 'O Pain (seriously), and indeed, as long as Mario gets out his seat and jumps around before getting down, he'll be fine. That's the reason ol' Morton's picture up there is largely unspectacular, there's really not much to this battle. The elevators will switch directions on you, and will from this point on continue to do so in every level. Morton moves between floors trying to open doors and eat you. If you are in an elevator and a boss uses it, you will be eaten. I'm not kidding, Morton, or any boss, will consume Mario and spit out his poor red "M" cap. This is the vicious streak that's been missing in the Koopa Clan lately, considering Bowser's killer strategy in Sunshine was to lounge around in a giant hot tub. While we're on the subject of awful plots, let's check back in with the dynamic duo now that Morton's been defeated.

Morton falls out of the tree and apples begin to grow, which is as everyone knows how trees express their gratitude. There's still the pressing Princess problem, as Mario and Luigi's "stand around and look clueless" strategy doesn't seem to be paying off. Up in the tree, Mario Bros.! As Toadstool is waving, unfortunately, the branch she's standing on snaps, and she falls into the waiting arms of Roy Koopa, who whisks her away to the next level, with the plumbers in pursuit.

As we approach ROY'S HARD BRICK HOTEL, the lights begin to flicker, and Mario mumbles something about finding a light switch, then does the trademark "you're an idiot so let me spell it out for you" glance into the camera and says "remind me ta check!" Don't worry, I will, but let's first find out who we'll be facing for the next 10 floors.

BOB-OMB, PARA-BOMB: What's better than a Bob-Omb strutting around a floor with a lit fuse? If you were gonna say "Bob-Ombs that parachute into the stage at high frequency and take forever to pick a floor to land on in order to screw up your jumps", you're either a damn liar or one of those fortune-teller chicks from Paper Mario. Good timing can take them out with a jump if they're still falling below you. Once they lose the 'chutes and become normal Bob-Ombs, they'll automatically go off after a length of time. If you stomp one, that'll immediately trigger the fuse, at which point you need to awkwardly run like hell. The resulting explosion can take out enemies as well as set off surrounding bombs.

NINJI: A firm believer in affirmative action, Roy hired all black enemies to debut in his stage. Of course, you'll still encounter some enemies from previous levels along the way for the entire game. The manual says "Mini-Ninja", but we know better. He does perform very Ninji-like hops, and other than that doesn't really do too much.

The stages where Bob-Ombs keep dropping on you at a frantic rate are kind of nasty, and for some reason I really hate the goofy expression on Ninji's face when he's opening a door I closed 3 floors ago, but otherwise the Hard Brick Hotel isn't too hard to dispatch of. But while Roy may employ equal-opportunity hiring practices, he must be late on the electric bill, which causes the lights to flicker on and off in strategic parts of a stage. If you have a very good eye and are lucky, you can catch some miniature lightning bolts coming out of a random door. Enter this door, and you'll find the real reason behind the lighting problem: A BUNCHA TOASTERS IN A SINGLE ROOM.

Sometimes the simplest explanation is the best one, as any sap could figure out that the real dilemma is that Roy had about a dozen or so toasters plugged into one outlet, something expressly warned against by the signs posted in every decent hotel's toaster room. A simple problem requires a simple solution, so Mario obviously finds a loaf of the Mushroom Kingdom's third most popular wheat product laying around with a glint in his eye - "ya know what they say!", says Mario, then he proceeds to rattle off some parable that includes the word "toast" about 6 times that I've certainly never heard them say. After overloading the appliances of doom with surplus sourpuss toast, the lights will be fine for as long as you continue playing without quitting. Don't you wish the electric bill explanation was the real one?

Amazingly, there's another good point about this game, and that's the fact that the bosses keep getting more and more off the wall, "off the wall" being a synonym for "fracking cheap", but at least it keeps things interesting. Here on Roy's Rowdy Rooftop, Roy isn't too out there, but is a step up from his freaky little brother in that he can walk on the ceiling (didn't he [and Morton] do that in Mario World, too? [probably coincidental] CONTINUITY~!) and drop down on Mario. He also boasts one of the most feared, tried-and-true bad guy moves of all time, the dreaded extendo-punch. This can go above or below, so it's best to jump into a door or elevator rather than walk past him if you're on a floor adjacent to him, as long as you don't stay there long enough to get chomped. It helps to get on the same floor as Roy, rendering his horizontally-challenged punch useless so you can stomp on his head. By the way, one stomp will temporarily immobilize Roy (or any boss), two will send him out of the stage, although he'll reappear in a few moments. Once the doors all get closed, Roy goes down and we move on.

Look at these two nimrods. They're so proud of themselves, putting up their cute little "Condemned" sign, that they're too busy to notice the Princess screaming and waving to get their attention ... on top of a huge warp pipe. I have to give Toadstool the "worst judgment" award on this one. Mario and Luigi use their favorite strategy to figure out what to do next...

...until they somehow stumble upon a dark, old, abandoned mine. I'm guessing the giant engravings helped on this one. With some trepidation, our heroes enter LARRY'S CAVE HOTEL.

The "hint" here is Luigi wondering if you can steal a light from a bad guy. I played through the entire level without figuring out what the hell he's talking about. Damn Luigi. On the bright side, Larry reluctantly agreed to go along with his siblings, changing "Larry's Cave Hotel" into something more befitting the running theme.

When I think about the Hilton name these days, "chilly" isn't exactly the first word that comes to mind, but that's neither here nor there. Larry's level starts to ramp things up a bit, and this includes a few new enemies to make Mario's life even more miserable as he slips around trying to shut refrigerators.

BUZZY BEETLE: I have absolutely nothing even remotely interesting to say about Buzzy Beetle. He's only here for completion's sake, and is the worst enemy in the game. That's right, Buzzy Beetle. Sit there and cry.

MONTY MOLE: Here we go. Monty digs out of the floors (even though they appear to be about 4 inches in height) and pops up at Mario. After that, he slides with reckless abandon until he smacks himself into a wall, stands there dizzy for a few seconds, and starts sliding again. My theory is that his objective is to cause you to laugh at his stupid antics so you don't notice Spiny slowly approaching on the ceiling.

SPINY: It appears that the drab confines of the Chillton were wearing on Spiny, so he decked himself out in lovely Christmas colors. Either that or the programmers decided anything with a shell had to be green underneath, period. Annoying either way, Spinies are protected from jump attacks, and its spikes are long enough to hit you when it's crawling on the ceiling, meaning you get to duck for about 15 seconds as it slowly passes. However, if you're far enough away, you can jump onto Spiny's underbelly from above, which still doesn't make sense, but gets the job done.

See? Told you those old enemies would show up again. The only reason you can see them in that first shot is because Mario just bought the farm. During actual gameplay, you can only see whatever floor you're currently on. I hope that's not what Luigi meant in the opening cutscene, and that I'm missing a bonus cutscene where Mario finds leftover pasta sauce in one of the fridges and somehow uses it to turn all the lights on. In addition, the elevator system starts to get a bit wonkier in these stages, meaning the floor progression can go something like 1-4-2-3-5, so if you hear a door ... er, fridge open and it wasn't you, you'll have to remember which elevator leads where. And as the level name indicates, the Chillton is colder than a witch's teat, so get ready to slip and slide all over the damn place.

Larry Koopa's weapons of choice in Larry's Scary Lair are miniature bowling balls that he rolls at Mario with the utmost precision. It's a good thing that Mario was a 3-time Champ down at the Brooklyn Lanes before getting zapped to the Mushroom Kingdom, or sucked down a shower drain, or whatever the hell that song was about. You'll have to rely on all of your bowling prowess- ....what's that? He's Holding something with a fuse?

All right, fine, they're bombs. Spoil my fun. He just rolls them at you one after another till you hop on his stupid bird nose and make him look like even more of a goof before getting around to closing all the doors/fridges. Stick with it for one more level, I promise that the next boss will have a jetpack. But there's still the business of what happens to the mine.

It's pretty funny how much slapsticky abuse Toadstool takes in this game, but nothing tops getting blown out of a mine. No one bothers to explain what caused the big boom, let's say a stray bowling bomb from Larry maybe, but you can bet it causes Mario and Luigi to yet again stand around with no clue, until Lemmy takes pity on them and moves some clouds to reveal his floating, crystalline hotel in the sky, which is where the Princess was blown to. Luigi kicks a nearby vine block that happens to be laying around amidst some jerky animation, and all that's left is a hint from Mario...

Egad, look at that pudgy, impish little plumber and the firm grip he has on that vine; I'd sure like to plunge his ... oh yeah, you're still here. That fake bowling ball crap didn't drive you away, huh? Very well, I'll save my deranged Mario fantasies for prank letters to Gamepro. What Mario is sexily whispering in the above shot is "get da hint?", after wondering if there's a way to blow away the evil clouds seen in the first screenshot. That question and whether or not I was kidding about the jetpack will be addressed as we climb up to the "High-ate".

Indeed, we now head to the skies, and the levels with the blurriest backgrounds due to the bright-@$$ colors, at least until I finally got decent video capture. The elevators get really annoying here, switching directions constantly, usually just as you're about to enter one. Oh, and enemies that didn't have wings before will in fact have wings.

PARAGOOMBA: The best part about Paragoomba is that all his wings are good for are this sad little hover jump he can do. Seriously, that's the best part. Wings or no wings, still easy to kill.

BANZAI BILL: I thought Banzai Bills were supposed to be gigantic? In a flagrant display of false advertising, Bullet Bill has been renamed, probably because I'm the only person who gives a shoot about this type of thing. They fly onto the screen and move diagonally to the edge of the screen; the farther you advance through the High-Ate, the more at once. Can be beaten with a well-timed stomp.

KOOPA PARATROOPA: These wings actually do something, and that is allow a normal Koopa to also fly diagonally across a stage. However, they don't fly off the screen like Bill up there, but rather bounce off the edge of the screen, change direction, and keep going till you stomp them. A nusiance when a lot of them gang up on you and prevent you from going where you need to.

Of course, there are still regular Koopas running around, and those damn bombs keep coming. Even worse is the evil (yet happy) cloud, helpfully shown above. He follows Mario around and obscures him from your view, and let me tell you, it's hard enough to control Mario when you can see him. Luckily, there's a way to vanquish Mr. Cloud. Once again, household appliances to the rescue!

Again, you find a random door with miniscule little things coming out of it, in this case fog puffs. Again, it all makes perfect sense, as Mario finds a giant button that says "I'm Your Biggest Fan", and hilarity ensues as a giant fan blows all the evil clouds out of Lemmy's Hotel. As you might imagine after that, I'm sick of this level now, what we need is Lemmy and his jetpack of doom to fly in and steal the show.

Fine, fine, propeller pack. That's actually funnier. Regardless of what you call it, Lemmy is going to fly around his Sky Hideout like a drunken Albatoss, shutting doors on random floors rapidly and turning this into a war of attrition. Since Mario does not have a tiny copter on his back, he'll have to quickly go back and forth to keep up with Lemmy. Add this to the fact that Lemmy can fire out deadly paper planes, and that paper cuts cause as much damage as a giant bullet up the gonzo, and you've got quite a fight on your greasy little hands. Hopefully, our resourceful plumbers can figure out a way to beat him (NOTE: You still beat him by shutting all the doors, I just needed a segue)...

Best as I can tell, Lemmy just kinda hops/flies in front of the giant, benevolent fan for no apparent reason, and gets blown away, along with the entire building. Ever see the episode of Family Guy where Peter complains about FOX at the end, and leaves the room to get a beer in about 5 frames total? Pretty much the same story here, except Mario actually goes Mick Jagger on us with a "hey, you, get off of my cloud!". The logic train continues rolling, as Princess Toadstool hops out in front of the fan, does not get hilariously blown away, which is what everyone wants to see, but vanishes into thin air. Just as suddenly, a new hotel pops up on the ground.

It's now quite clear that the brilliant "hotel-naming" idea was enacted at the last minute. Mario and Luigi stand in front of the Castle, attempt to enter, and the door vanishes, then reappears. It keeps on going like this for, just guessing here, about 45 minutes or so until they finally somehow get inside. Don't look at me, I stopped paying attention after their first 5 tries.

Everyone goes for the cheap Trump heat these days. Or 10 years ago, as it were. Ludwig turns things up a notch to make up for his lack of creativity - for one thing, that vanishing door trick wasn't just cutscene filler. In addition, the doors and enemies keep growing in number, and the enemies are by far the worst yet.

BOO BUDDIES, BIG BOO: Ye gods, look at that monstrosity. All kinds of Boos will annoy you to no end in this level. First we have the transparent Boos. These guys just kind of float around aimlessly, minding their own business, until they stop being transparent. Not being transparent means they can now hurt you. You can probably guess when they tend to shift. Next come your more standard Boos, who will bashfully cower in shame if you face them, and pursue you otherwise. The freakishly mutated Big Boo acts the same way, despite the fact that he takes up 1/6 of the stage. If a lot of little guys and Big Boo gang up on you, it'll take some clever peeking and hiding to save yourself, just like in the Girl's Locker Room back in high school.

DRY BONES: Manual says "Skeleton Koopa", but my hands now smell like old orange juice, so I don't know why I keep bothering to get the names they used from it. Typical of these guys, you keep stompin', they keep comin'. Unlike previous appearances, however, a fireball will now remove them permanently. If you are Fiery Mario, make sure you eliminate most/all of the Dry Bones' on a stage before doing anything else. You will be sorry if you don't.

PAT THE BAT: I guess it's supposed to be a Swooper, but it looks more like a flying turd to me, so Pat will suffice. It doesn't matter, because Pat the Bat is a dirty SOB and easily the most nauseating enemy in the game. At least Buzzy Beetle just mopes around uselessly; this guy flies around opening doors on every floor, and if you fail to take them out, you'll end up with 5-6, spread out across every floor, making your life miserable. But then, if you were already playing this game, I can safely assume from experience that you're way past misery already. Luckily, there's a trick - there's a set number of Pat Bats hanging underneath the lowest floor. It may take awhile, but you can hang out down there and take them out one-by-one as they fly up. It'll cost you time, but well worth it as long as you can avoid the other distractions.

I learned the "don't let multiple Pats get off the ground floor" lesson the hard way. Again, Ludwig's stage is where the game's challenge factor really shoots upward, and it gets much worse from here on out. But you didn't forget everyone's favorite freaky-haired Koopa Kid, did you? Because he's waiting in Ludwig's Frantic Lab on the tenth stage, and drank 3 bottles of that Bubble Bobble lightning potion before Mario arrived. Luckily, he doesn't fire it from the same place as Bub and Bob.

Considering the rest of the level, Ludwig isn't too bad if you use the tried and true "dirty coward" strategy. His lightning bolts, though they fry across the entire screen, only move diagonally and can't hit you inside a door, so just timing your running between blasts is the main thing. Ludwig can also poof into electricity and teleport to throw you off, but hopefully if you've gotten this far you're not gonna fall for a trick that even Raiden barely uses anymore. Onward, ho!

If it seems like I'm getting lazier with these, it's because, well, they're getting lazier with these. Ludwig's castle crumbles to dust and wireframe, and the Bros. just move on to the next hotel. You do get to hear Luigi (in his "nasal Mario" voice) say "ova daaarrrrrre!" when Mario asks him where the Princess might be. If that was painful for you to read, imagine how I felt. To make up for this unwarranted eardrum assault, Mario offers us a helpful tip:

Remembuh, if ya pinch Wendy's pennies, dey pinch back! Hyuk!

At first, I thought Mario was sharing a sordid, disgusting personal problem with us that I wanted no part of. Sadly, I would soon find out myself that Wendy's pennies do indeed pinch. And it hurts. Oh does it hurt.

The Snarlton is a classy joint, very rat pack, so you're going to meet some of the strangest and best-dressed enemies to ever set foot in the Mushroom Kingdom. I apologize now.

EVIL COIN: Yes, this is what that deviant Mario was referring to. If you open a door in this level and coins come out, get your @$$ in gear, because they will turn into Evil Coins. No coins for you! They move extremely quickly, two at a time in most cases, and are almost as bothersome as Pat the damn Bat. You'll think twice about searching doors for items after getting jumped by a few of these. Even worse, some of them start outside and proceed to help their evil friends escape if not stomped.

RHINESTONE GOOMBA: All right, I guess I'll give Buzzy a reprieve. After all, he isn't walking around dressed like Elvis. Or, more accurately, "Fat Elvis". While this hotel isn't exactly a star-spangled rodeo, Rhinestone Goomba can leap like a horse due to the powers of his mystical Elvis cape, suspiciously the exact same distance as a Paragoomba. There also seem to be about 3-4 behind every enemy door, meaning return trips to floors are in the cards. Dude, an Elvis Goomba. No matter how much you've seen, you haven't seen it all.

MECHAKOOPA: About 75% less wacky in this game, grabbing them is not advised this time. They're actually more of a Dry Bones variant - a stomp will immobilize them for a bit, but not take them out. Then a strange thing happens: after about 3/4 of the clock runs out, every Mechakoopa in the stage will break down into junk. This is all well and good until you find a junkpile right in front of the last door you need to shut, and have to hop on it 6 times to get it to move slightly right before the last 10 seconds run out. Better again to just waste them for good with a fireball.

BELLHOP GOOMBA: The Goombas that aren't visiting the Graceland Convention are working part-time as bellhops. As far as evil plans go, this one had to hit Bowser in the wallet pretty hard, at least for the hotels that weren't just slapped together in trees and caves. I wouldn't pay the Goombas either. These guys are like normal ones, except they move a little faster, and will not carry your luggage, as there are no real coins in the level to tip them with. Damn Wendy.

Z KOOPA: Okay, I can deal with a few recycled Goomba enemies, but when they stick the Koopa Troopas in tuxedos, I draw the line.

So far, so good. Except for the fact that the elevators aren't labeled "up" or "down" anymore, but at this point you should have the gameplay down enough to adjust, and they've been switching for awhile now anyway. Elvis Goombas, all right, not too bad. The stage is soon beaten ... but there is no happy dance. Rather, that odd-elevator-out that you couldn't enter on the top floor suddenly lights up, and the clock keeps ticking. Enter, and you get to scroll up and see the REST of the stage:

WAGH. Yes, basically another stage, I suppose this would be Level 6-1-2. And if you die there, you'd better believe that you're starting all the way back at 6-1-1. So instead of 10 stages in this Hotel, it's really a total of 20, half of which can't be continued on since they're technically part of a bigger stage. That's way too many Evil Coins for even the most jaded gamers to take. But still I trudge on, not only to face even more of them, but the queen of the penny-pinchers herself.

A painful level, a painful boss; Wendy O's Sweet Suite is probably the hardest boss stage in the game. Unlike her brothers, she remains perched on the top floor. Unfortunately, her pennies are pinching on every floor including hers, and you'll have to worry about them all while avoiding her attacks, not to mention avoiding jumping into her @$$ if you're on the floor below her. Once you (hopefully) reach her floor with all other doors closed, she'll get angry and start charging you, so a quick stomp 'n shut is in order. Didn't I say 20 stages total? That's right, once you beat Wendy, you scroll up to 6-10-2 and get to do it all over again.

That's one fugly Koopaling. No candy rings of death, but Wendy has two equally bothersome attacks. First, she throws out little hearts with wings that fly in loop patterns. They don't actively attack Mario (though they will kill on contact), but don't worry, they'll definitely open random doors as they fly around, and unlike Pat the Bat, you can't take them out, they just vanish eventually. Same goes for the kisses of extreme prejudice. They won't open doors, but they will home in on Mario until he gets his husky @$$ in a door. Sometimes they go away quickly, sometimes not. It's a long, tough battle, but Mario (and Luigi, I guess) can't get tired now! One more to go!

I'm getting a little tired of hotels and Princesses simply vanishing into thin air every time the guy in charge of the story couldn't think of anything better, which has been the case for the past 2-3 levels. At least the next hotel shakes itself out of the foreboding mountain at the northern part of the map, because mountains are always north on the map. Don't "Zelda II" me, I don't care what they called it, it was a cave maze and that's that. Oh right, the last level.

That is one hell of a hotel, although I don't know how many tourists one would attract with it. Then again, Kid Niki 2 taught us that people aren't exactly picky when it comes to attractions. The Bros. are rightfully scared, as Mario has put on 100 pounds in the span of 15 seconds, and Luigi is very clearly soiling himself in fear. Both plumbers are well aware, however, that this review isn't ending until they get in there, and so we enter the FINAL HOTEL. Damn, "palace", "dungeon" and "castle" sure sound a lot more intimidating.

See, now that's better, add a "palace" and you're golden. Plus, Hotel Mario predated the Pokemon TV show giving all those kids the epilepsy by a few years, so Bowser narrowly avoided lawsuits from those families as well as Julius Caesar. The only tragic part about this situation is that poor Iggy didn't get his own hotel. Either that, or the amount of analysis I've given it. Mario and Luigi's final tip is "when dere's smoke, dere's fire!" Thanks guys, really. Smokey the Bear has nothing on you.

What our hapless heroes refer to is the only new enemy introduced in this level, and it's not even really an enemy. When you see a little puff of spoke at the end of a floor- no, scratch that; you won't see it, it appears for about half a second. Instead, listen for the accompanying "match striking" noise, because together they mean that a fireball is flying down the hallway. In earlier stages, it'll just be the top floor, until you're dealing with 5 rows of fireballs later on. The "cower inside a door" tactic is indispensable, as I'm sure you've noticed by now. If Mario and Luigi weren't bumbling idiots, they'd have instead told you "fight fire with fire", because not only can a Mario fireball take out the bad fireballs, if you nail one (it's tough, they're quick), the fireballs will go away for good just like the evil clouds or the flickering lights. But obviously, I had to figure that out for my damn self.

About the only good news here is that the elevators no longer switch directions on you, and the difficulty seems to fluctuate randomly rather than get progressively tougher. How about some bad news to counter that?

You knew something like that was coming. Bowser's resort features the same maddening "double stages" as Wendy O, but more importantly, every enemy in the game appears in at least one stage. My only regret is that I didn't get a shot of the Elvis Goombas and Tux Koopas confusedly moving around, knowing they're completely out of place in this level. Mechakoopas and Wigglers, Koopas and Dry Bones, Moles and Boos, Pat the fracking Bat and every other enemy, the combinations are cruel and endless. It's a damn good thing that once we reach the tenth stage, we can finally- ...I said, it's a damn good thing- ...what?

Oh, you've GOT to be kidding. Yes, Bowser dangles that "Stage 10" carrot in front of you as you scrape through his all-encompassing hotel, only to throw an extra five stages at you. One of which has the "Pat the Bat/endless Tux Koopa" combination. Bowser sucks. That makes, with the double stage bullcrap quotient factored in, a grand total of 30 stages that stand between you and the Koopa King. Did I mention that I started working on this in February the first time? Even with the ability to save after every (two) stage(s), I don't know if there's a single one of you who could pull it off without going mad, or at least talking like nasal Mario for awhile. Speaking of mad, Bowser can't be happy that we've finally reached Bowser's BBQ Room. Actually, that's a lie, he'd probably point and laugh at everything I've written so far. Regardless, here comes the pain.

Er, uh, gasp! It's ... giant tiki-head Bowser! Seriously folks, I'm at a loss here. Despite the bizarre appearance, Bowser has a wide range of attacks at his disposal.

In addition to his oblong head nailing you from below when he jumps, you have to worry about fireballs he spits in your general direction, as well as lightning bolts that rain down from the ceiling. When you hear the crash, where you're standing is where the bolt will hit, so put a move on. Luckily, if you think you have a good angle, the standard double-hop will knock Bobble-Head Bowser for a loop long enough for you to slam some doors. In fact, the entire battle is a bit easy ... maybe, too easy?! And is Bowser's head falling off quicker than you can say "mardi gras"?! Let's see who you REALLY are...

Credit where it's due, only the most cynical Scooby Doo/Dr. Wily followers could have forseen such a development. Yes, we lamented poor Iggy Koopa not getting his own hotel, but it was all an insidious plot, as Bowser sent his nerdiest Koopaling, in a giant replica head of himself mind you, to fight Mario in a last ditch effort to save himself the trouble. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why Bowser is the best there is, putting out his A-game even in a title in which the Koopalings outnumber the people who have played it. Unlike the Iggster, Bowser comes at you full force.

That's the two-story behemoth we know and love. Bowser basically has Iggy's attacks with a lot more oomph behind them - instead of a few fireballs, he sends out a cavalcade of flames that burn for a few seconds before sputtering out. Instead of one bolt, he rains down a storm upon you. During both of these attacks, there's only one thing to do, I don't think I need to tell you. While fireballs don't seem to cut it here, you can still stomp out Bowser if you're extremely careful. When he's not using his special attacks, he likes to continually leap between floors like there's no tomorrow. Once he's safely below, you can postion yourself so that he jumps into Mario's magic feet. But beware; Bowser is obviously huge, and if he corners you there's almost no escape, as evidenced above in the shot where he's devouring poor, cowardly Mario in his hidey door. Make sure you grab some power-ups in easy levels before heading off to fight Iggy and Bowser.

As the tale always seems to go, Bowser is defeated for another day, and we're treated to the ending.

Always the friendly peck on the cheek.

Mario, Luigi and Toadstool escape the crumbling castle confines, then Toadstool mutters something about being able to rule the Mushroom Kingdom again. The average is about 1 in 3 as far as words you can understand. Mario and Luigi both get kisses for their efforts, and judging by their facial expressions that'll always be good enough, 'cause they sure haven't gotten any farther than that in the last 20 years or so. The Princess turns to the camera, and while I was expecting a 3D kiss, all I got was a measly "and thanks to YOU too!", just like those damn Mega Man games that incorporated me into the cast. The three happily send you off, as Mario and Luigi yell that I am the best player ever. And it's true. Because somehow, some way, I beat this game and reached the Conclusion.

Funny thing: this is the CD-I game we almost got: Super Mario's Wacky Worlds, The Sequel to Super Mario World.

You can read more over at the Black Moon Project, but the gist is that it was intended as a "true" sequel to Super Mario World. For many reasons, some outlined in that article, some unknown, the idea was scrapped near completion, and instead we got Hotel Mario. HOTEL MARIO. Still, there's a reason this was the first CD-I game I covered.

Why? First, take a moment to soak up everything you've seen here today. Now consider this: as of this writing, Hotel Mario is by far the best game I've played so far for the CD-I.

Look up "foreboding" in the dictionary. If the Hotel Mario title screen isn't the accompanying picture, it will be someday.

=Yes, I'm aware of the rumor of an eighth hotel, as well as the entry on GameFAQs that outlines how to reach it. I have reason to believe it may exist. Number 1, there's a small space on the map screen to the right of Bowser's Hotel where an eighth one could ostensibly fit. Two, the other trick listed on the GameFAQs page does work; there really is a warp zone in 3-5:

Going through the ISO files, not one I found on the net but my actual Hotel Mario disc, that's what I found. Unfortunately, my obscure early-90's fringe system hacking skills aren't what they used to be, and I was unable to get any further after a few dead ends. Now, you might say, "Polas! Why don't you just try to beat the game in under an hour?!" To which I would ask you to please press your face firmly against the monitor. If you feel a sharp stinging sensation, my AIM Transfer Slap-o-matic is finally operational. I've done many maddening things in the name of bringing you to corners of gamedom you would otherwise never dare to travel, but even Polas has his limits. Not only is the task itself daunting, but there's no in-game clock that actually informs you if you're beating this damn game in the time required.

If anyone figures out how to access the fabled 8th Hotel, or can disprove its existence, by any means, by all means, let me know, and you'll be enshrined here as big a hero.

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