Chapter 10 - Gitaroo Man: Playstation 2 Gold!
Submitted September 10, 2010 Updated August 10, 2011 Status Incomplete | Hi guys! I am going to be doing reviews of different games!. Read along if you wish to hear about my best, worst, and stupid Adventures around the Gaming Universe. ^^ I will review games you request too! For a price!
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Chapter 10 - Gitaroo Man: Playstation 2 Gold!
Chapter 10 - Gitaroo Man: Playstation 2 Gold!
By now, you've read a lot of reviews on this site; most of them being for very weird games, produced in a very weird time for very weird people. If you've been to a game store lately, you might notice something different. You can't buy something where you must run along platforms and stomp on living noodles or a guy playing a flute with a pot on his head. Nope, not anymore. That 3-pound cart for The Badical Adventures of Mohawk the Yelow-Bellied Sapsucker has been replaced by slick discs starring today's contemporary video game stars, such as Guy in Race Car, Football Guy, Guy in Army Fatigues, Woman in Bikini with Gun, and Polygonal Version of Movie Star. Nothing but normalcy and conformity as far as the eye can see. There is that offbeat idea that comes along every so often, but it's quickly beat into the ground by bad sales and disinterest. Beyond Good and Evil really was a great game to play, I mean, COME ON! TALKING PIG! But if today's gamers can't take a talking pig, how would they react to a drunk Russian man shooting fireballs from his gut at skeletons riding ostriches? There would probably be riots in the streets, many mass murders, and President Obama would have to push a Constitutional amendment defining a video game as something free of muscular overweight warriors.
So, that said, maybe it's a good thing no one discovered Gitaroo Man, although they missed out on a lot. What you're about to see is one of the rarest PS2 titles in existence. It also has to be one of the weirdest, and I mean on the level of the craziest stuff seen here. But you know what? Unlike all those others, Gitaroo Man is actually GOOD. Yes, we won't be making fun of the bad play control or the terrible music, because there's no such thing as that in this game. When it first appeared, the magazine EGM panned it, but then they changed their minds and praised it, then chastised everyone out there for listening to them and not buying it. Game Informer did the exact same thing, and I'm not kidding. What was it about Gitaroo Man that made gaming editors so attached to it anyway? Well, for one thing, here's a teaser: in your first level, you'll be battling a devil in a diaper named "Panpeus" who eventually drives a TRAIN at your head. Intrigued? You should be...
Let's start the game! After a tutorial level in which the hero learns he is the last in line of the Legendary Gitaroo Men, we begin. On the left is Panpeus. The screaming weenie on the right is our hero, strangling his dog ("Puma") in fear. You'll never guess what the hero's name is. Seriously, I could make an easy million off you if you were willing to bet. "Is it...U-1?" What the...okay, that was a lucky guess. You get nothing.
Puma throws U-1 his Gitaroo, and with a lightning flash and a woman cooing "Oooohhhh, Gitaroo Maaaan!" he transforms into Our Hero. By the way, you'll be hearing that woman a lot. She also says "Oooohhhh, Gitaroo Maaaan!" on the title screen, and if you win any battle, she says, "Youuuu wiiiiin! *small laugh*" If you lose, she says "Aw! Youuuu looooose!" Anyway, as for HOW YOU BATTLE...well, it's one of those music rythym-response games you've been hearing about. To fire an effective blast from the Gitaroo at the diaper-wearing devil, you have to follow a track and hold down any button where red stuff slides by, usually to the beat of the song(picture 1). To block the attacks of Panpeus or any other, you have to push the button indicated at the precise moment it glides through your little center circle(picture 2). This can get complicated in later levels when those things are coming from all four sides, but in this game, it's actually fun and the songs are catchy. Anyway, you have to block Panpeus's attacks, which include but are not limited to a pig with a giant sinister head, a walking evil TV, some stick figure apparently made of donuts, and the train you've been waiting for.
Once you win, U-1 thrusts his Gitaroo in the air in victory and lightning thunders from the sky. Ready for level 2?
It's time to meet more of the cast. The redhead is Pico, U-1's secret desire...yet she spends all her time with Kazuya, the token macho jerk. U-1 is reminded of his crummy life once more, but before things get too depressing, they have to get weird again...
The dialogue for this scene goes exactly like this: "IT'S A BIRD!" "IT'S A HAMBURGER!!" "NO, IT'S A UFO!!!" This is one of my favorite levels in the game. The song and scenery are just too darn fun; I have a blast every time I play it, no matter how many times I have. You blast your Gitaroo at the UFOs to the tune of some untranslated Japanese pop song that's really snappy; meanwhile the city dwellers who were panicking and screaming in the beginning are now dancing like maniacs in the background. It's something you have to experience for yourself; really. I can't describe the whole thing in words.
Long story short, a grumpy old lady knocks U-1 onto one of the UFOs and he finishes the song spinning atop it while blasting the other ones. Then after winning, and doing the lightning-thrust again, he realizes he's got nothing stable to stand on anymore and he and Puma crash into the wilderness. While they're trying to find their way out, we catch a brief glimpse of the sinister persona behind all the recent attacks on Gitaroo Man. He's an evil man, with an evil cat. The diaper-devil and the UFOs were sent by him, and they didn't work out so well. Evil Man is going to have to pull out all the stops if he's going to stop U-1 from getting any further. So he called up his greatest servant; the most spectacular warrior he has the power to dispatch.
MOJO KING BEE!!
I think this actually tops anything Data East ever had to offer. It's some guy wearing an Elvis costume and a bee costume AT THE SAME TIME. And platform shoes, and sequined sunglasses. He's got it so going on, U-1 is dead meat. He steps out into a spotlight and someone boldly shouts, "Are you ready for this? The King is in the House...it's MOJO MOJO MOJO KING BEE!!!" And Mr. MMMKB gets right down to business.
Mojo starts playing some kind of jazz/disco mix while his trumpet shoots deadly laser blasts at Gitaroo Man. GM counters with some of his own, but it's up to you if he succeeds. Meanwhile, all the nighttime forest creatures are getting into the groove too, with bopping bats, swaying frogs with eerie grins, and a giant bear in the background scratching his rear on a tree to the beat. By the way, Gitaroo Man DOES have a multiplayer mode, and in this level not only can you play as Mojo, you can play as the bear, which is even better.
After beating Mojo, U-1 gets a hologram message from someone named Miranda. And Miranda is an old man. "Miranda" explains that he is an elder of Planet Gitaroo and U-1 must head to that planet and defeat the plans of the evil Zowie(pronounced "Zoe"). Puma pulls a spacecraft from out of nowhere and he's off, dragging along a reluctant U-1, who's actually been whiny about all the events in this game. "NOOOO PUMAAAAAA I DONWANNA GO TO PLANET GITAROO AAAAAHH!!!"
So they're off and running, but Zowie sees it and commands, "Release Ben K!" Ben K turns out to be a version of a hammerhead shark that can breathe in space, as well as defy the laws of inertia by swimming through the empty nothing. This brings you to Level 4, in which you don't do anything but block attacks. If you've been doing good so far, this is the first level where you'll trip up. The goal is to just survive, but it's pretty hard...buttons come sliding at you everywhere.
Then they land on a space station and who knew, Ben K transforms into a giant robot. Luckily, U-1 and Puma also have their own robot, the "Woofer-Mazing." I couldn't come up with a better name if I tried. Ben K turns out to be a fan of reggae and you play Level 5 to the tune of his single, "Nuff Respect."
U-1 and Puma land on Planet Gitaroo...unfortunately in the water part. To dry out, U-1 builds a fire and then sits there sneezing while holding a guitar. Wherever he got it, it's a good thing he has it, because along comes...PICO??? Actually, no, it's someone from this planet who looks exactly like her only with shorter hair. Her name is "Kirah," and U-1 sees this as a fresh start...if he doesn't mess up. Your goal for Level 6 is to successfully play a slow relaxing song on the guitar. Succeed, and Kirah falls asleep on your shoulder(hot dog!) Lose, and...well, I've never lost this...it's not that hard.
After U-1 gets done flirting, he notices...Puma is gone! Racing out to find him, he finds....Zowie, with Puma tied up beside him! And three more lackeys...the "Sanbone Trio." If you're guessing they're three samba-playing skeletons with laser-shooting maracas, you'd be right. Unfortunately Puma has U-1's Gitaroo, so you can only dodge the Sanbones' attacks until Puma breaks free. After you win this, the townsfolk are convinced you are GITAROO MAN and they direct you to the only other person on the planet who has his own Gitaroo. It's.....
Gregorio III, who looks and acts a little too much like Michael Jackson for comfort. He spends the whole battle jamming on his gigantic pipe organ while his chorus of ghosts sings along. Waste Jacko and you've hit the big time, because it's time for the GITAROO ARENA!! It was built for U-1's defeat, though...and Zowie introduces U-1 to the person who has been specially raised and trained to defeat Gitaroo Man. It's...KIRAH! OHHH NOOO PUMAAAA!! How awkward....
U-1 battles for a while, but it doesn't take long before he can no longer do it. He throws his Gitaroo down and refuses to fight. Kirah is still baffled, but U-1 gets through to her by playing the same song that he played to make her take a nap on him. Then they start playing it together while the crowd cheers and...wait a minute, this story is actually starting to make sense. What's going on here? Zowie, where are you???
There he is. He's ultra-peeved, and...
HE'S GOT A MECH!!!
This leads to the climactic soaring fight above Planet Gitaroo, with Zowie in his robosuit and U-1 in his...wait a minute, where is he getting all this stuff from? Actually, this one's explained--every time he defeated someone, one light lit up on his Gitaroo. Now all eight lights are lit up, and he transforms into Gitaroo Man Version 2.0. As would be expected, this final battle's hard, but the song is something like grunge rock(minus some lonely guy screaming) and it's pretty cool.
Gitaroo Man saves Planet Gitaroo, changes back into shrimpy U-1 and Puma drives him back home while the people of the planet wave goodbye. It's back to U-1's miserable life again. But this time, as Cap'n Crunch says, sometimes you just need to crunch up your confidence. He stands up to Token Jerk and runs off with Pico, and Puma sticks his head into the closing end iris and grins. As for Mojo King Bee, he grows up and marries you. Isn't that what you wanted to hear?
I judge the bragged "wide selection" of most video game shops on whether or not they can sell me Gitaroo Man. Because if they can sell me this, they can sell me anything. If you're going to look for it, good luck. Your best bet is online, but try Amazon or Gamespot.com before you do something crazy and go into Ebay. It's well-worth it, though; I've never regretted buying Gitaroo Man. And yes, this isn't exactly a "retro" title, but sue me, because a website like this needed a Gitaroo Man page.
So, that said, maybe it's a good thing no one discovered Gitaroo Man, although they missed out on a lot. What you're about to see is one of the rarest PS2 titles in existence. It also has to be one of the weirdest, and I mean on the level of the craziest stuff seen here. But you know what? Unlike all those others, Gitaroo Man is actually GOOD. Yes, we won't be making fun of the bad play control or the terrible music, because there's no such thing as that in this game. When it first appeared, the magazine EGM panned it, but then they changed their minds and praised it, then chastised everyone out there for listening to them and not buying it. Game Informer did the exact same thing, and I'm not kidding. What was it about Gitaroo Man that made gaming editors so attached to it anyway? Well, for one thing, here's a teaser: in your first level, you'll be battling a devil in a diaper named "Panpeus" who eventually drives a TRAIN at your head. Intrigued? You should be...
Let's start the game! After a tutorial level in which the hero learns he is the last in line of the Legendary Gitaroo Men, we begin. On the left is Panpeus. The screaming weenie on the right is our hero, strangling his dog ("Puma") in fear. You'll never guess what the hero's name is. Seriously, I could make an easy million off you if you were willing to bet. "Is it...U-1?" What the...okay, that was a lucky guess. You get nothing.
Puma throws U-1 his Gitaroo, and with a lightning flash and a woman cooing "Oooohhhh, Gitaroo Maaaan!" he transforms into Our Hero. By the way, you'll be hearing that woman a lot. She also says "Oooohhhh, Gitaroo Maaaan!" on the title screen, and if you win any battle, she says, "Youuuu wiiiiin! *small laugh*" If you lose, she says "Aw! Youuuu looooose!" Anyway, as for HOW YOU BATTLE...well, it's one of those music rythym-response games you've been hearing about. To fire an effective blast from the Gitaroo at the diaper-wearing devil, you have to follow a track and hold down any button where red stuff slides by, usually to the beat of the song(picture 1). To block the attacks of Panpeus or any other, you have to push the button indicated at the precise moment it glides through your little center circle(picture 2). This can get complicated in later levels when those things are coming from all four sides, but in this game, it's actually fun and the songs are catchy. Anyway, you have to block Panpeus's attacks, which include but are not limited to a pig with a giant sinister head, a walking evil TV, some stick figure apparently made of donuts, and the train you've been waiting for.
Once you win, U-1 thrusts his Gitaroo in the air in victory and lightning thunders from the sky. Ready for level 2?
It's time to meet more of the cast. The redhead is Pico, U-1's secret desire...yet she spends all her time with Kazuya, the token macho jerk. U-1 is reminded of his crummy life once more, but before things get too depressing, they have to get weird again...
The dialogue for this scene goes exactly like this: "IT'S A BIRD!" "IT'S A HAMBURGER!!" "NO, IT'S A UFO!!!" This is one of my favorite levels in the game. The song and scenery are just too darn fun; I have a blast every time I play it, no matter how many times I have. You blast your Gitaroo at the UFOs to the tune of some untranslated Japanese pop song that's really snappy; meanwhile the city dwellers who were panicking and screaming in the beginning are now dancing like maniacs in the background. It's something you have to experience for yourself; really. I can't describe the whole thing in words.
Long story short, a grumpy old lady knocks U-1 onto one of the UFOs and he finishes the song spinning atop it while blasting the other ones. Then after winning, and doing the lightning-thrust again, he realizes he's got nothing stable to stand on anymore and he and Puma crash into the wilderness. While they're trying to find their way out, we catch a brief glimpse of the sinister persona behind all the recent attacks on Gitaroo Man. He's an evil man, with an evil cat. The diaper-devil and the UFOs were sent by him, and they didn't work out so well. Evil Man is going to have to pull out all the stops if he's going to stop U-1 from getting any further. So he called up his greatest servant; the most spectacular warrior he has the power to dispatch.
MOJO KING BEE!!
I think this actually tops anything Data East ever had to offer. It's some guy wearing an Elvis costume and a bee costume AT THE SAME TIME. And platform shoes, and sequined sunglasses. He's got it so going on, U-1 is dead meat. He steps out into a spotlight and someone boldly shouts, "Are you ready for this? The King is in the House...it's MOJO MOJO MOJO KING BEE!!!" And Mr. MMMKB gets right down to business.
Mojo starts playing some kind of jazz/disco mix while his trumpet shoots deadly laser blasts at Gitaroo Man. GM counters with some of his own, but it's up to you if he succeeds. Meanwhile, all the nighttime forest creatures are getting into the groove too, with bopping bats, swaying frogs with eerie grins, and a giant bear in the background scratching his rear on a tree to the beat. By the way, Gitaroo Man DOES have a multiplayer mode, and in this level not only can you play as Mojo, you can play as the bear, which is even better.
After beating Mojo, U-1 gets a hologram message from someone named Miranda. And Miranda is an old man. "Miranda" explains that he is an elder of Planet Gitaroo and U-1 must head to that planet and defeat the plans of the evil Zowie(pronounced "Zoe"). Puma pulls a spacecraft from out of nowhere and he's off, dragging along a reluctant U-1, who's actually been whiny about all the events in this game. "NOOOO PUMAAAAAA I DONWANNA GO TO PLANET GITAROO AAAAAHH!!!"
So they're off and running, but Zowie sees it and commands, "Release Ben K!" Ben K turns out to be a version of a hammerhead shark that can breathe in space, as well as defy the laws of inertia by swimming through the empty nothing. This brings you to Level 4, in which you don't do anything but block attacks. If you've been doing good so far, this is the first level where you'll trip up. The goal is to just survive, but it's pretty hard...buttons come sliding at you everywhere.
Then they land on a space station and who knew, Ben K transforms into a giant robot. Luckily, U-1 and Puma also have their own robot, the "Woofer-Mazing." I couldn't come up with a better name if I tried. Ben K turns out to be a fan of reggae and you play Level 5 to the tune of his single, "Nuff Respect."
U-1 and Puma land on Planet Gitaroo...unfortunately in the water part. To dry out, U-1 builds a fire and then sits there sneezing while holding a guitar. Wherever he got it, it's a good thing he has it, because along comes...PICO??? Actually, no, it's someone from this planet who looks exactly like her only with shorter hair. Her name is "Kirah," and U-1 sees this as a fresh start...if he doesn't mess up. Your goal for Level 6 is to successfully play a slow relaxing song on the guitar. Succeed, and Kirah falls asleep on your shoulder(hot dog!) Lose, and...well, I've never lost this...it's not that hard.
After U-1 gets done flirting, he notices...Puma is gone! Racing out to find him, he finds....Zowie, with Puma tied up beside him! And three more lackeys...the "Sanbone Trio." If you're guessing they're three samba-playing skeletons with laser-shooting maracas, you'd be right. Unfortunately Puma has U-1's Gitaroo, so you can only dodge the Sanbones' attacks until Puma breaks free. After you win this, the townsfolk are convinced you are GITAROO MAN and they direct you to the only other person on the planet who has his own Gitaroo. It's.....
Gregorio III, who looks and acts a little too much like Michael Jackson for comfort. He spends the whole battle jamming on his gigantic pipe organ while his chorus of ghosts sings along. Waste Jacko and you've hit the big time, because it's time for the GITAROO ARENA!! It was built for U-1's defeat, though...and Zowie introduces U-1 to the person who has been specially raised and trained to defeat Gitaroo Man. It's...KIRAH! OHHH NOOO PUMAAAA!! How awkward....
U-1 battles for a while, but it doesn't take long before he can no longer do it. He throws his Gitaroo down and refuses to fight. Kirah is still baffled, but U-1 gets through to her by playing the same song that he played to make her take a nap on him. Then they start playing it together while the crowd cheers and...wait a minute, this story is actually starting to make sense. What's going on here? Zowie, where are you???
There he is. He's ultra-peeved, and...
HE'S GOT A MECH!!!
This leads to the climactic soaring fight above Planet Gitaroo, with Zowie in his robosuit and U-1 in his...wait a minute, where is he getting all this stuff from? Actually, this one's explained--every time he defeated someone, one light lit up on his Gitaroo. Now all eight lights are lit up, and he transforms into Gitaroo Man Version 2.0. As would be expected, this final battle's hard, but the song is something like grunge rock(minus some lonely guy screaming) and it's pretty cool.
Gitaroo Man saves Planet Gitaroo, changes back into shrimpy U-1 and Puma drives him back home while the people of the planet wave goodbye. It's back to U-1's miserable life again. But this time, as Cap'n Crunch says, sometimes you just need to crunch up your confidence. He stands up to Token Jerk and runs off with Pico, and Puma sticks his head into the closing end iris and grins. As for Mojo King Bee, he grows up and marries you. Isn't that what you wanted to hear?
I judge the bragged "wide selection" of most video game shops on whether or not they can sell me Gitaroo Man. Because if they can sell me this, they can sell me anything. If you're going to look for it, good luck. Your best bet is online, but try Amazon or Gamespot.com before you do something crazy and go into Ebay. It's well-worth it, though; I've never regretted buying Gitaroo Man. And yes, this isn't exactly a "retro" title, but sue me, because a website like this needed a Gitaroo Man page.
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