Chapter 11 - Panic! You Should Do that...
Submitted September 10, 2010 Updated August 10, 2011 Status Incomplete | Hi guys! I am going to be doing reviews of different games!. Read along if you wish to hear about my best, worst, and stupid Adventures around the Gaming Universe. ^^ I will review games you request too! For a price!
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Chapter 11 - Panic! You Should Do that...
Chapter 11 - Panic! You Should Do that...
Ah, Sega. If any game company fits the "best of times, worst of times" mold, it's them. Most gamers have fond memories of the Sega Genesis; even if you were a Sega hater back in the days of the 16-bit wars, you have to admit it was one of the most prominent systems of its time, and rightfully so. The lesser-known Master System was an underappreciated gem full of wacky games that really need to make it to this section sooner or later. I can't even begin to extol the wonders of the Dreamcast, Sega's final gift. And lest we forget Sega's classic franchises like Sonic and Virtua Fighter, as well as their creative one-hits like NIGHTS. And of course, Kid Chameleon. "So why, Doom", you may ask, "did Sega leave the hardware business in shame just a short while ago?". Keep your pants on, numbnuts. There are some very good reasons.
Yes, the "Se-ga" voice actually says "Gah-sey!". The Sega CD. The 32X. The mere mention of these abominations are enough to make even the biggest Sega fans wet themselves in disgust. I've got a review to do, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you why these "systems" were horrible, because that'll take an entire review itself. If you need to know the gruesome history, Mars just wrote an article about the whole thing for his site. An excerpt:
...So thusly, the majority of titles released for the Sega CD had heavy emphasis on video, little emphasis on actually playing a game. In other words: the titles were kind of like a DVD menu, except they were actually marketed as games. Add to this the price of the CD add-on itself...and few people bought it.
There you have it, and that's exactly the type of game we'll be looking at here in this review. But this is the Retro Caf�, so we'll of course be checking out the screwiest one of them all. And who would you think was behind it, if you had to guess?
What a shocker. Let's get started On the Game Not alotta people know of, Panic!
If you've googled Panic! Up already, and saw the Openning Scene, I'm fairly sure that a few questions have entered your curious little noggin. Well, first and foremost, yes, yes, there is early 20th century big band swing music with wacky Japanese sound effects thrown in playing throughout the whole minute and a half or so. But as for why all kinds of vehicles are shooting flowers or warping their own tires, appliances the world over are vomiting, and midget animal robots are dancing with reckless abandon, that's a little much for me to cover. So I'll let the game's story text do it for me.
Now, I realize that a lone computer virus probably can't cause the trunk of a car to flip up and hit a guy in the head, cause vending machines to fly up into the air leaving a rainbow trail behind, or get just about every electrical device in the world to puke. I'm fairly certain that there isn't a giant Mother Computer located somewhere in Greenwich that controls every device in the world. And I'm absolutely positive that a mission of this magnitude wouldn't be handed out to an ugly kid wearing pink overalls (named Slap) and his stupid dog (named Stick). Well, buckle up, because plotholes and logic gaps are going to be the least of our worries where we're going. That's right - it's time to play the damn thing.
As we begin, Slap is sucked into his TV with no explanation, armed only with his trusty remote. I suppose if Plutonium can make it happen on The Simpsons, an all-encompassing computer virus can get the job done here.
It's the next screen you should get to know, and get to know real well. For it's time to reveal the true object of this game: pressing buttons. That�s the ballgame, folks. I�d post a shot of the in-game text to prove it, but I learned my lesson last time, so you'll have to take my word for it. Basically, you�re supposed to work your way to the Mother Computer by pressing the right button with the cursor.
What's that? Press one, you say? Actually, you could have said "why the hell are you reviewing this piece of crap instead of Sonic CD?" for all I care, it doesn't matter, I'm still going to press a damn button. It'll be fun, and you'll get to use things other than remotes to press buttons. Doesn't that sound fun?
What'd I tell you? One button press later, and Slappy ends up in a Frankenstein lab. Best of all, we�ve got a whole new set of buttons to try out. Once you enter a new scenario and press a button, two things can happen. One, you�ll just move on to another new area. But more importantly is the second option, and that's something stupid happening. Take a look.
Left Eye: Frank is horribly electrocuted.
Right Eye: Frank is turned into a pouty midget.
Nose: Frank pukes bubble gum.
As soon as one of the above three situations occur, you go back to the original button-pressing screen. No alteration in gameplay, and if you want, you can press the right eye 50 times, and every time you'll get the Frankenstein midget that walks off in a huff. Obviously, this game was made purely for people who get a rise out of idiotic things happening for no good reason. That's why it's here.
Of course, there's always the progression part of things. It may not be much, but it's the closest we're going to come to gameplay, so I'll just press the right mouth button...
GAH. Eight buttons? That's way too much pressure. And what the hell is that thing, anyway? And where's that smooth jazz music coming from? Now you know why this game's called Panic. Well, only one way out of this one.
(Several dinosaur cameos, deadly Tetris blocks,
and vomiting Easter Island heads later...)
I should have been happy with eight. Oh, and the Easter Island heads are a recurring theme. They're used in all sorts of ways, most of which end up with someone getting horribly crushed, usually you. Now, before I end up repeatedly bashing myself in the face with a phone, then pressing the pound sign to try to warp to the bathroom, I'm going to stop hitting random buttons and figure out how to reach the end, if such a thing exists.
Those voice samples that I typed out for you are all real (aside from my editorial comments), and are all mentally crippling. So, did you get all that? Trust me, what I just showed you is nothing, there are hundreds of other fracked up scenes, which mere screenshots could not do justice. My favorite part is getting through about 50 of them, then hitting a certain button and ending up back in the stupid Frankenstein lab. And obviously, there are some things you'll have to take my word for, like just about every scene having a button that summons a genie that hums the bar from the Princess Cashmere episode of the Simpsons (and a doody-do-do to you too, kid!).
The thing I wasn't quite sure to make of (even moreso) were the booby traps. There are some buttons that blow up landmarks for no good reason, with no apparent bearing on gameplay. As you can see, I blew up a dam, and the game just told me that I had indeed blown up a dam, could blow up 28 more things, then returned me to the current scene. Other things I blew up included the Effiel Tower, New York, and the Golden Gate Bridge. If there are any government officials reading this review, this game needs to be classified under the red zone of the crayola terror alert system, or however the hell that works. All you had to do to blow up a major metropolitian area in 1994 was press a button with a squid on it, if this gets out, we're boned. After further inspection, activating a booby trap may just be how you save your game. Don't try thinking about it, it hurts.
I'm pretty sure I mentioned that the buttons do the same thing every time, so if you record which buttons do what, eventually you'll reach the end. But let me tell you, that's a lot of recording. Of course, if you have a high tolerance for machine vomit and scratchy cartoon voices, you have nothing to fear. Eventually, you'll reach the Mother Computer, which may or not be a giant head.
You get 9 buttons for the final boss, and as far as I can tell, 8 of them send you through several screens of pipes (with an appearance by the genie). The other one WINS THE GAME.
Ever ask yourself what kind of games you missed out on, having never experienced the Sega CD? Thanks to me, you'll probably never want to ask again. Granted, they weren't all point and click adventures, and some games were actually good, and they didn't even have sumo terminators doing the hula. But that's a story for another time. At least we got to take a disturbingly hilarious look at the zaniest Sega CD game of all time. Don't believe me? If, somehow, this review wasn't enough to convince you, just ask the Oct/Nov 1994 issue of Sega Visions magazine. Unfortunately, I dont have a Copy or a link to show you, so nuts to you.
Yes, the "Se-ga" voice actually says "Gah-sey!". The Sega CD. The 32X. The mere mention of these abominations are enough to make even the biggest Sega fans wet themselves in disgust. I've got a review to do, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you why these "systems" were horrible, because that'll take an entire review itself. If you need to know the gruesome history, Mars just wrote an article about the whole thing for his site. An excerpt:
...So thusly, the majority of titles released for the Sega CD had heavy emphasis on video, little emphasis on actually playing a game. In other words: the titles were kind of like a DVD menu, except they were actually marketed as games. Add to this the price of the CD add-on itself...and few people bought it.
There you have it, and that's exactly the type of game we'll be looking at here in this review. But this is the Retro Caf�, so we'll of course be checking out the screwiest one of them all. And who would you think was behind it, if you had to guess?
What a shocker. Let's get started On the Game Not alotta people know of, Panic!
If you've googled Panic! Up already, and saw the Openning Scene, I'm fairly sure that a few questions have entered your curious little noggin. Well, first and foremost, yes, yes, there is early 20th century big band swing music with wacky Japanese sound effects thrown in playing throughout the whole minute and a half or so. But as for why all kinds of vehicles are shooting flowers or warping their own tires, appliances the world over are vomiting, and midget animal robots are dancing with reckless abandon, that's a little much for me to cover. So I'll let the game's story text do it for me.
Now, I realize that a lone computer virus probably can't cause the trunk of a car to flip up and hit a guy in the head, cause vending machines to fly up into the air leaving a rainbow trail behind, or get just about every electrical device in the world to puke. I'm fairly certain that there isn't a giant Mother Computer located somewhere in Greenwich that controls every device in the world. And I'm absolutely positive that a mission of this magnitude wouldn't be handed out to an ugly kid wearing pink overalls (named Slap) and his stupid dog (named Stick). Well, buckle up, because plotholes and logic gaps are going to be the least of our worries where we're going. That's right - it's time to play the damn thing.
As we begin, Slap is sucked into his TV with no explanation, armed only with his trusty remote. I suppose if Plutonium can make it happen on The Simpsons, an all-encompassing computer virus can get the job done here.
It's the next screen you should get to know, and get to know real well. For it's time to reveal the true object of this game: pressing buttons. That�s the ballgame, folks. I�d post a shot of the in-game text to prove it, but I learned my lesson last time, so you'll have to take my word for it. Basically, you�re supposed to work your way to the Mother Computer by pressing the right button with the cursor.
What's that? Press one, you say? Actually, you could have said "why the hell are you reviewing this piece of crap instead of Sonic CD?" for all I care, it doesn't matter, I'm still going to press a damn button. It'll be fun, and you'll get to use things other than remotes to press buttons. Doesn't that sound fun?
What'd I tell you? One button press later, and Slappy ends up in a Frankenstein lab. Best of all, we�ve got a whole new set of buttons to try out. Once you enter a new scenario and press a button, two things can happen. One, you�ll just move on to another new area. But more importantly is the second option, and that's something stupid happening. Take a look.
Left Eye: Frank is horribly electrocuted.
Right Eye: Frank is turned into a pouty midget.
Nose: Frank pukes bubble gum.
As soon as one of the above three situations occur, you go back to the original button-pressing screen. No alteration in gameplay, and if you want, you can press the right eye 50 times, and every time you'll get the Frankenstein midget that walks off in a huff. Obviously, this game was made purely for people who get a rise out of idiotic things happening for no good reason. That's why it's here.
Of course, there's always the progression part of things. It may not be much, but it's the closest we're going to come to gameplay, so I'll just press the right mouth button...
GAH. Eight buttons? That's way too much pressure. And what the hell is that thing, anyway? And where's that smooth jazz music coming from? Now you know why this game's called Panic. Well, only one way out of this one.
(Several dinosaur cameos, deadly Tetris blocks,
and vomiting Easter Island heads later...)
I should have been happy with eight. Oh, and the Easter Island heads are a recurring theme. They're used in all sorts of ways, most of which end up with someone getting horribly crushed, usually you. Now, before I end up repeatedly bashing myself in the face with a phone, then pressing the pound sign to try to warp to the bathroom, I'm going to stop hitting random buttons and figure out how to reach the end, if such a thing exists.
Those voice samples that I typed out for you are all real (aside from my editorial comments), and are all mentally crippling. So, did you get all that? Trust me, what I just showed you is nothing, there are hundreds of other fracked up scenes, which mere screenshots could not do justice. My favorite part is getting through about 50 of them, then hitting a certain button and ending up back in the stupid Frankenstein lab. And obviously, there are some things you'll have to take my word for, like just about every scene having a button that summons a genie that hums the bar from the Princess Cashmere episode of the Simpsons (and a doody-do-do to you too, kid!).
The thing I wasn't quite sure to make of (even moreso) were the booby traps. There are some buttons that blow up landmarks for no good reason, with no apparent bearing on gameplay. As you can see, I blew up a dam, and the game just told me that I had indeed blown up a dam, could blow up 28 more things, then returned me to the current scene. Other things I blew up included the Effiel Tower, New York, and the Golden Gate Bridge. If there are any government officials reading this review, this game needs to be classified under the red zone of the crayola terror alert system, or however the hell that works. All you had to do to blow up a major metropolitian area in 1994 was press a button with a squid on it, if this gets out, we're boned. After further inspection, activating a booby trap may just be how you save your game. Don't try thinking about it, it hurts.
I'm pretty sure I mentioned that the buttons do the same thing every time, so if you record which buttons do what, eventually you'll reach the end. But let me tell you, that's a lot of recording. Of course, if you have a high tolerance for machine vomit and scratchy cartoon voices, you have nothing to fear. Eventually, you'll reach the Mother Computer, which may or not be a giant head.
You get 9 buttons for the final boss, and as far as I can tell, 8 of them send you through several screens of pipes (with an appearance by the genie). The other one WINS THE GAME.
Ever ask yourself what kind of games you missed out on, having never experienced the Sega CD? Thanks to me, you'll probably never want to ask again. Granted, they weren't all point and click adventures, and some games were actually good, and they didn't even have sumo terminators doing the hula. But that's a story for another time. At least we got to take a disturbingly hilarious look at the zaniest Sega CD game of all time. Don't believe me? If, somehow, this review wasn't enough to convince you, just ask the Oct/Nov 1994 issue of Sega Visions magazine. Unfortunately, I dont have a Copy or a link to show you, so nuts to you.
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