Chapter 12 - Karnov: Vodka! Vodka!
Submitted September 10, 2010 Updated August 10, 2011 Status Incomplete | Hi guys! I am going to be doing reviews of different games!. Read along if you wish to hear about my best, worst, and stupid Adventures around the Gaming Universe. ^^ I will review games you request too! For a price!
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Chapter 12 - Karnov: Vodka! Vodka!
Chapter 12 - Karnov: Vodka! Vodka!
In my time, I've heard two stories behind the legend of Karnov. One is that his real name is Jinborov Karnovski, and that he lives in Babylonia. One day, a big dragon swung by and blew up his little town, then made off with some princess, or treasure ... bah, it's all the same. Sounds like bullcrap to me. The version I tend to believe is that Karnov is a fat Russian pimp that got incredibly stoned one night, and then got really, really lost. He also knows how to shoot fireballs from his belly, which is, of course, common to all fat Russian pimps. But make no mistake - Karnov wouldn't hesistate to make any one of them his personal dog. And now it's time for you to help Karnov get his fat @$$ through 9 varied levels full of nonsensical enemies and other funky shiznit on your way to defeating the bigass dragon and gettin' back to pleasin' da ladies.
KARNOV: Our fat, topless hero. Wears baggy pants, don't take no shoot from no one, and jumps like he has a piece of plywood stuck in his @$$. I wouldn't say that to his face, though. If there's a cooler video game hero out there, I haven't found him.
FLOATING YODA: Sadly, one of the most beloved Star Wars characters of the series fell upon some hard times in the 80's, and was reduced to taking a role as an annoying sub-villain in Karnov. Since Yoda is overweight and green, the Karnov bi-laws clearly state that he too must be topless. This game is severely fracked up.
MASTURBATING FISHMAN: The Boss of Level 1. He was a fish that couldn't control his sexual sea urges long enough to provide much of a threat. He appeared as a sub-boss later in the game in most of the levels. Beware his green gooballs of questionable nature.
EVIL DRAGON: The grand poobah, and the last enemy you'll face. Pops out of three windows his minions built in his room, and shoots fire at Karnov's @$$ while you're trying to run. When you hit him with enough navel fire, he gets pissed and turns red. Then, when finally defeated, his room blows up. What happens then? Read on...
THE ITEMS:
THE BOOT: Lets you jump twice as high. Useful? Yeah, I'd say so. From plywood to a lit match for a little while. We're off to a good start on items ... but trust me, that certainly won't last.
CRAPPY BOMB: Blows up some floors/walls in obscure locations on various levels. In short, the bomb sucks.
LADDER: Shoots upward to get out of reach items. You'll find in most cases it goes just high enough so that a well-timed jump will send you sailing right beneath the item, and probably down to your death into a bottomless pit. Also, if you climb up but don't climb down, you lose it, and Karnov laughs at you for being such a shoothead.
BOOMERANG: Small and annoying, but kills the Caterpillar Slut (Lv. 4 Boss) in one hit. Can't argue with that.
SPIKE BOMB: Explodes, kills all enemies on the screen. Swanky.
MASK: Damned if I know what the hell this does.
SCUBA HELMET: Lets Karnov swim slightly faster in the water level, so he can slam right into an endless stream of piranhas. I hate this item more than the pussy little bomb.
WINGS: Let you fly in the ... level where you can fly. Otherwise useless.
SHIELD: Best used against the T-Rex that's the boss of several levels, who shoots lots of tiny fireballs at you that seem to kill you if they come within 6 inches.
K's: Collect enough, and Karnov will gain an extra life, and may even give your sorry @$$ a little respect.
Fairly simple: jump with A, shoot belly fire with B. If you find a colored marble, Karnov will gain the ability to shoot 2 or even 3 belly fireballs. However, if you take a hit, Karnov will come down with a nasty cold and turn blue. Your attacks do more damage, but one more hit and your fat can is toast. Never fear though, for another one of these miracle marbles will fix you right up.
But that's not all. Karnov also features the stupidest sub-screen in history.
Sure, looks pretty normal. But say you want a ladder. If you're highlighting the stupid little bomb, your have to tap right to get to the ladder. So if you're four boxes away, that's four taps in the direction of the ladder. Meanwhile, chinamen in their underwear and evil birds are descending on you and you're surrounded by pits, your death is imminent, and all you wanted was a fracking ladder. Sure, you can pause the game, tap 4 times, and unpause, but trust me, in a game this screwy, that's just as disorienting.
Anyway, now that you know how to survive in the wild world of Karnov, Karnov himself has agreed to pose for you in several of his wacky worlds, provided you agree to dance at least 2 hours a day to his ultra-funky game music (that plays in every single booty-shaking level):
After jumping, swimming, and flying through the most notorious of worlds, your reward is perhaps the most invigorating you can receive. And since I'm willing to bet no one reading this will ever become worthy of beating Karnov, I'll show you exactly what you get: THE WORST ENDING EVER:
Yep ... that's it ... OR IS IT? You see, while staring at this blackened screen of hollow victory, a new funktified Karnov groove comes pumping at you out of nowhere. And you thought Karnov would let you down. Shame...
It should be plainly obvious that this game should be the foundation of your very existence from this point on. A fat Russian pimp shooting fireballs from his fat gut at the stupidest enemies this side of Monster Party to the grooviest game music of all time? Yeah, your life beats that .... loser. All hail Karnov.
KARNOV: Our fat, topless hero. Wears baggy pants, don't take no shoot from no one, and jumps like he has a piece of plywood stuck in his @$$. I wouldn't say that to his face, though. If there's a cooler video game hero out there, I haven't found him.
FLOATING YODA: Sadly, one of the most beloved Star Wars characters of the series fell upon some hard times in the 80's, and was reduced to taking a role as an annoying sub-villain in Karnov. Since Yoda is overweight and green, the Karnov bi-laws clearly state that he too must be topless. This game is severely fracked up.
MASTURBATING FISHMAN: The Boss of Level 1. He was a fish that couldn't control his sexual sea urges long enough to provide much of a threat. He appeared as a sub-boss later in the game in most of the levels. Beware his green gooballs of questionable nature.
EVIL DRAGON: The grand poobah, and the last enemy you'll face. Pops out of three windows his minions built in his room, and shoots fire at Karnov's @$$ while you're trying to run. When you hit him with enough navel fire, he gets pissed and turns red. Then, when finally defeated, his room blows up. What happens then? Read on...
THE ITEMS:
THE BOOT: Lets you jump twice as high. Useful? Yeah, I'd say so. From plywood to a lit match for a little while. We're off to a good start on items ... but trust me, that certainly won't last.
CRAPPY BOMB: Blows up some floors/walls in obscure locations on various levels. In short, the bomb sucks.
LADDER: Shoots upward to get out of reach items. You'll find in most cases it goes just high enough so that a well-timed jump will send you sailing right beneath the item, and probably down to your death into a bottomless pit. Also, if you climb up but don't climb down, you lose it, and Karnov laughs at you for being such a shoothead.
BOOMERANG: Small and annoying, but kills the Caterpillar Slut (Lv. 4 Boss) in one hit. Can't argue with that.
SPIKE BOMB: Explodes, kills all enemies on the screen. Swanky.
MASK: Damned if I know what the hell this does.
SCUBA HELMET: Lets Karnov swim slightly faster in the water level, so he can slam right into an endless stream of piranhas. I hate this item more than the pussy little bomb.
WINGS: Let you fly in the ... level where you can fly. Otherwise useless.
SHIELD: Best used against the T-Rex that's the boss of several levels, who shoots lots of tiny fireballs at you that seem to kill you if they come within 6 inches.
K's: Collect enough, and Karnov will gain an extra life, and may even give your sorry @$$ a little respect.
Fairly simple: jump with A, shoot belly fire with B. If you find a colored marble, Karnov will gain the ability to shoot 2 or even 3 belly fireballs. However, if you take a hit, Karnov will come down with a nasty cold and turn blue. Your attacks do more damage, but one more hit and your fat can is toast. Never fear though, for another one of these miracle marbles will fix you right up.
But that's not all. Karnov also features the stupidest sub-screen in history.
Sure, looks pretty normal. But say you want a ladder. If you're highlighting the stupid little bomb, your have to tap right to get to the ladder. So if you're four boxes away, that's four taps in the direction of the ladder. Meanwhile, chinamen in their underwear and evil birds are descending on you and you're surrounded by pits, your death is imminent, and all you wanted was a fracking ladder. Sure, you can pause the game, tap 4 times, and unpause, but trust me, in a game this screwy, that's just as disorienting.
Anyway, now that you know how to survive in the wild world of Karnov, Karnov himself has agreed to pose for you in several of his wacky worlds, provided you agree to dance at least 2 hours a day to his ultra-funky game music (that plays in every single booty-shaking level):
After jumping, swimming, and flying through the most notorious of worlds, your reward is perhaps the most invigorating you can receive. And since I'm willing to bet no one reading this will ever become worthy of beating Karnov, I'll show you exactly what you get: THE WORST ENDING EVER:
Yep ... that's it ... OR IS IT? You see, while staring at this blackened screen of hollow victory, a new funktified Karnov groove comes pumping at you out of nowhere. And you thought Karnov would let you down. Shame...
It should be plainly obvious that this game should be the foundation of your very existence from this point on. A fat Russian pimp shooting fireballs from his fat gut at the stupidest enemies this side of Monster Party to the grooviest game music of all time? Yeah, your life beats that .... loser. All hail Karnov.
Vodka! Vodka! Boris Yeltsin!