Chapter 13 - Karnov The Arcade Game: Karnovpalooza!

If you've read my original Karnov review, and if you haven't may he have mercy on your soul, you may be asking yourself a few questions, especially if you're a newer reader. For a game that holds higher esteem to Polas than any other, why is the review so paltry and disjointed compared to some of the longer and better ones? In fact, the whole thing seems like nothing more than a drunken, obscenity-laden rant about why Karnov is superior to you and your belief system in every way possible. While this of course remains true, these are some valid points. At the time, I had made a topic on a message board about classic video games, and since it got a huge response, it inspired me to make a screwy Story aboutone of my favorite ones, something I figured I'd show to some friends and forget about after 3 weeks like most things I do.

Little did I know that I'd develop a taste for it, and continue to take fond, cynical looks back to all kinds of blasts from gaming past, from cherished favorites, to requests, to generally screwed up ones I'd encounter while tooling around online. And lo and behold, a year later, I'm still at it for reasons that escape me. Since I felt like doing something special, yet ultimately meaningless, for my first anniversary, what better way to celebrate than by giving my #1 video game hero a brand new review deserving of him? Here's to another year of classic gaming irreverence, and here's to Karnov.

While the Arcade version of Karnov is essentially identical to the NES version with better graphics and sound, there are a few notable differences. In addition to actually sucking in his gut for once, one main difference is the story, as Karnov is actually hunting for treasure, as opposed to rescuing some broad or trying to walk off a buzz.

That's how the game begins, and it's not going to be easy, as an arcade game can handle a lot more on-screen/varied enemies than an NES one. Luckily, Karnov still has his trusty arsenal of wacky and bafflingly useless items and powers at his disposal. It's you and Karnov against 9 levels of all the crap I'm about to cover - the hunt ... is on.

POWER MARBLE: It's going to take a lot of belly fire to get Karnov through this one, so collection of Power Marbles are a must. To be fair, the fire does actually look like it's coming out of somewhere closer to his mouth this time, maybe his armpit. However, I can think of worse places for it to be released from, so let's drop it. Marbles change Karnov's paltry row of wuss flame into waves of two or three roaring fireballs, and the effects last until the K-Man bites the dust.

The fireballs may be bigger and more powerful in the Arcade, but unlike the NES Karnov, a hit from an enemy doesn't give Karnov a cold and turn him blue, which can be cured by a Marble. No, this time, one hit simply does our hero in, making things a lot tougher on ol' tubby. Let's hope some of this other crap will prove helpful in some way, shape or form.

SUPER BOOTS: These, like most of the items here, are better than the ones in the NES version. Not only do they let Karnov jump higher, they also make him much more nimble, so that equipping them marks the only time in the game when Karnov doesn't handle like a beached whale. PLUS, they give him new, stylish blue pants.

STILL CRAPPY BOMB: The bomb has about two practical uses in the entire game: blowing up a tree to cross a gap in Level 3, and blowing up a floor in Level 7. That's it. And they're all over the damn place too, especially at times you could use a Ladder or some Super Boots. They also kill some enemies, but have no range and usually end up killing Karnov instead. Therefore, to quell my silent rage, enjoy this hilarious picture of Karnov trying to cross a pit, but blowing himself up in the process:

LADDER: The most useful item in the game, but not always the most practical. You can use it to access higher ledges and out of reach items, but in most cases, you'll get squashed between the ladder and ceiling and have to climb back down anyway, or you'll just miss an item and get killed by an evil crow. You do get to reuse it if you climb all the way back down, but you can guess how often that works out.

BOOMERANG: Since the damn thing is broken, it's best used on enemies above or below Karnov that his lard @$$ can't reach. You see, instead of coming back to Karnov like a good, old-fashioned Australian/Hyrulian one, it homes in on enemies upon return. While this may seem dandy, you only get to use it once, so up yours.

SUPER FIREBALL: Yes, here's the good stuff. Exclusive to this version, once you get it, you have the ability for the rest of the game. However, you must collect refills in sets of 30, as these fireballs are longer than Karnov's normal ones, kill most enemies in one hit, and most bosses in only a few. Thus, using them leaves Karnov tired and out of breath, and since you won't be seeing him on a treadmill anytime soon, you'd best get you some more ammo.

As you can tell, the final four items appear in a different section of the subscreen, as they're only usable when they flash. They NEVER flash.

WINGS: Remember last time, Level 8 was the "in the sky" level where you needed to keep getting wings to progress through the level? Here, Level 8 is some sort of enchanted forest. As such, I didn't encounter a single point in the game that the wings were of any use. Now, I did finally find out what the mask is for, but given that, I'd much rather have found a place for the wings.

SCUBA HELMET: Does pretty much the same thing as it always has; lets Karnov swim like a gazelle in the water. This time, in keeping with his enhanced blue clothing line, the helmet and mysteriously appearing flippers are blue, just like Karnov's ... special pants.

MASK: After never knowing what the hell this stupid thing does, I finally found out: it lets you see a couple of crappy items in Level 7 that weren't visible before. Boy howdy, I'll sleep easier tonight. At least we now know what Karnov looks like on Halloween.

SPEED SHOES: I'm guessing that make make Karnov go faster, and I say guessing, because I found these damn things on the 2nd level, and never once found a use for them. I suppose Karnov's girth prevents him from gracefully rollerblading through a level, and watching Karnov slide through the stage even slower than he walks while grabbing onto the walls for balance is probably something we don't need to see. Besides, the time limit would probably expire five times over. But don't worry, if I find a use for them between now and June 2003, we'll be all set for the re-re-review, won't we?

THE K: 50 of them give you an extra Karnov. Somewhere equivalent to Mario collecting 1,000 coins based on difficulty and availibility of these stupid things. But hey, there's always the Mask.

One area in which the previous Karnov review was lacking was the enemy section, or lack thereof. You'll get to meet a lot more of them this time, including ones not seen in the NES version, such as the ostrich-riding skeletons. Don't ask, we'll get there soon enough. But there's only one proper way to introduce the cavalcade of villains, and that's with everyone's favorite...

FLOATING YODA: Ah, everyone loves Floating Yoda. He doesn't fight with a lightsaber, but he does float around and annoy Karnov. I've since learned that he only took the job because he was promised a nude part, which is why they gave him the nest. So enjoy, all you lonely Star Wars fans, it's not Princess Leia or Natalie Portman, but it'll have to do. The real question is, can you handle THIS:

Let's see, your typical assortment of annoying flying things, including but not limited to the Anorexic Demon, Stoney, my favorites the Ostrich Bone Squad, evil one-eyed swordsmen, Golden Man, Plantus Moveyourassus, the crying woman that turns into a green thing, the armor with no one in it, Mutant Zeus/Abe Lincoln statue, and finally, the Ambiguously Gay Egyptian Duo. What a game.

These are the villains that are introduced in the first few levels. They will show up later on in greater numbers, but since there'll be more new ones to cover then, enjoy them now. Among the most notable are: Golden Man, who can split up into 5 parts and shoot himself at you, the freaky statues, because you can take out individual sections, and if you blast the head you can use it as a platform. I also think I need to explain Plantus Moveyourassus. Whenever Karnov starts to wheeze and stands around doing nothing for awhile, a green blob falls from the sky, then turns into a plant that begins firing on his lazy @$$. What a game.

At this point, I have no idea whether this game takes place in Russia, Babylonia, Newark, or what. I'd have to guess that it's Russia, since the game starts here, Karnov lives in Russia, and everyone knows that in Karnov's heyday, skeletons riding around Russia on ostriches was commonplace. There's nothing different about this level that I haven't said before, just running in front of buildings and over concrete, blasting everything in Karnov's way. But you didn't think I'd forget about the boss, did you?

That's right, Horny Fishman is back in all his glory, although this time, his "sack" is thankfully a different color than his skin. Still seems a bit suspicious though. His predictable attack patterns and icky gooballs aren't much to speak of, so I'll just mention that after you beat him (or any boss), you get a new piece of the treasure map. That said, Ancient Ruins ... BEWARE!

This is the first place in the game where you can choose a route. It happens a lot later, which is the only explanation I can think of for why I never found a use for the damn wings and roller skates. Anyway, once you get past the evil Abe statues, you can use them as a platform to take the easier roof route, or go down below, to an area filled with Golden Man, traps, bats, and the dead chick/monster. Do not go down below. The boss is twofold, the Evil Sheik first sics his alien lions at you, then tries to knife you. Luckily, his twig @$$ is no match for Karnov, as he has even less energy than a normal enemy.

I'm sorry, but this is the sorriest excuse for a "forest" I've ever seen. And since I doubt this is some sort of metaphor about how pollution is bad, since Karnov can't really be concerned with crap like that, I'm putting my money on "whoops, forgot we already have a forest level for later". As mentioned, this is one level where you can actually use a bomb to progress. I mention it again because this level doesn't really have much to it. The boss is the giant T-Rex, who still blasts a bunch of annoying little fireballs, only the shield didn't make it into this game. Since Karnov is a sitting duck as a result, it's best to plant a boomerang upside the damn thing's head and move on.

Rocky hills actually would have been a more appropriate name for the last level, as this one is more like "Through the caves with the strangely out-of-place conveyor belts". You never know just what to expect next in the weird world of Karnov. This is a relatively short level, but there are plenty of volcanoes to get roasted by and holes to fall into. The boss is Caterpillar Slut, and quite clearly, Karnov isn't afraid to get his freak on by slappin' around those demonic funbags before wasting the crazy dog. Big Pimpin', Karnov style.

Before we tackle the tougher levels, let's meet some more fun-lovin' Karnov adversaries:

There's good old Dr. Mudman and Mr. Rock, the happy Demon Diver, Mer-Man, the freakiest looking owls I've ever seen, that chain of weird fuzzballs that chases Karnov around, Mummies that turn into tombstones when you hit them, really pissed off Floating Yoda, and of course, the Ambiguously Gay Tree Monsters. Forward, ho!

Ah, the water level. Karnov dons his swimwear, dozens of weird little guys try to hit him in his giant bullseye of an @$$ with harpoons. There are places where Karnov can hop out of the water, but for the most part, it's dodging underwater baddies, including that dastardly clam. I should note at this point they started getting tired of coming up with new bosses, so instead, they just threw all the enemies and Horny Fishmen at Karnov they could find. This becomes all too evident in the next stage.

Yeah, these townfolk sure look happy to see me. Karnov, blinded by his aspirations of treasure and finding a bathroom, wanders right smack into Enemy Town, which is where all the bad guys hang out until they get sent into lesser levels to get smacked up by K-dog. This is what I'd consider the hardest level in the game, simply because the attacks from all directions don't let up. The "boss" is two caterpillar chicks at the end, but that isn't too bad compared to everything else Karnov has to plow through. And, them owls is spooky.

Karnov's ready to walk like an Egyptian, as the Pyramid level approaches. Not only is this level mind-numbingly bothersome in that it's confusing, there are lots of traps, and rocks tend to drop on Karnov's head out of nowhere, but as seen above, you'll have to deal with some new explodey dragon minibosses. On the bright side, there's a small stretch towards the end of the level where you can put the Mask on Karnov and make him look like a doofus, but don't blame me if he kicks your @$$ later.

To put it quite bluntly, this level is shoot compared to the last two. Maybe every four levels you get a reprieve or something, because this is another short one with a T-Rex boss. In the NES version, this was where the wings came in, but here, it's some sort of evil forest. Or "The Hollows", as it were. Thank goodness for odd statues and gay trees, or this one would be a total bust. BUT, and I underline but, the last level approaches.

You can pretty much tell what you're in for, based on the last boss leaving all that crap out for you right at the beginning, cocky bastard he is. The Fortress is a big maze, full of almost all of the non-sucky nightmares profiled earlier, bosses included. Using the Ladder, Super Fireball, and other items strategically needs to be done, and since Karnov isn't exactly known for his smarts, it's up to you. If you somehow manage to pull this one, you're in for a surprise, as the last boss isn't a Dragon, but an evil bald wizard.

You do fight in the same room, and the battle is pretty similar, but it's worth your while oh so much more this time around. Why?

Well, now that the map is complete, you get to see Karnov strut right onto it, trying not to look too stupid after realizing that to get the treasure, he could have just walked a few miles south instead of circling the whole damn world. Then, Karnov vomits profusely on the "X" and makes a nifty little hole, which he proceeds to leap through. Where does it lead?

Let's just say that we're looking at one happy fat fire-breathing Russian Circus Freak.

Does Karnov still hold up as the greatest game of all time? Of course. Will it ever be topped? I seriously doubt it. After one whole year, the Karnov magic is still alive and well. If you got through this entire review without developing an undying love for Jinborov Karnovski, I weep for your soul. I actually do that anyway, since you'd have to be as nuts as I am to even be here in the first place. But through it all, one message remains perfectly clear: ALL HAIL KARNOV.

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