Chapter 14 - Trio the Punch: Never Forget Me...

Funny thing, this Internet. You hear expressions such as "you never stop learning", or "you learn something new every day", and for the most part these sayings used to be a crock of BS. Even in the early 20th century, you could learn pretty much everything by age 27 or so. Then at a point in history that no one can agree on, other than it happening sometime in the 1960's, the world went crazy and everything changed. Radical new thought manifested itself in the minds of Americans over the next few decades, and hopefully someone who lives in Japan can explain just what the hell happened over there. The end result was a twist of pop culture both stupendous and horrific, followed by video games like the one I'm going to talk about today, many of which stayed in Japan, escaping our grasp. Thanks to the Internet, we can now claim "better late than never".

The point I'm trying to make sans the nonsensical rambling social commentary is that I found yet another screwy Data East game thanks to the vast resources of the Internet. Did your ears just perk up? They should have, if you've been coming here for awhile. Despite being relatively obscure and irrelevant by today's standards, they were responsible for unleashing a bevy of gaming insanity upon the world. Some of these games have been covered on the site, and there are a good number of others I could do. However, as we all know, none even come close to holding a candle to the veritable Russian pimp laureate of gamedom himself, the all-powerful KARNOV. And as we've seen in the past, Data East isn't afraid to exploit this fact.

This time, things are a little different. It's like Data East invaded my future nightmares to get just enough material for a good portion of an arcade beat-em-up. Certainly, it's been noted that for the right price, Karnov is willing to cast his lot on the side of evil. But never like this. You see, Karnov is a man of many resources, and as we saw in the above-linked Fighter's History review, he had droves of followers willing to train under the great one in order to do his bidding. So this time, Karnov decided he'd rather just kick back in the old recliner and let his legions of Karnovores do all the work while he collected the check. Just because he can. And wait until you get a load of these guys -"Never Forget Me" is certainly appropriate. They had me at Black Karnov.

Before we get to that, let me tell you just a little bit about the actual game itself. Even without all the Karnov, it still has a place here.

Upon insertation of coinage, you'll be able to select from this ...trio. Hey, it all makes sense now, and by "all" I mean "the first word". We have Skinny Bathrobe Shredder, Token Backward Cap Rebel Street Punk, and what appears to be Fei Long on 'Roids, brandishing a bigass sword. There may be a more logical explanation and backstory to these characters, but quite frankly, I'm certain that my version is much better. In any case, if they're going to make it through the land of Karnov, they'll need all the help they can get.

Unfortunately, the best they're going to get is an old guy in a rubber hat and his number wheel of fortune and fun. The white number rotates clockwise, and you must attempt to stop it with the attack button on the one you want. 1 puts you back at full energy, 2 improves your main weapon, 4 your special, once-per-level attack, 3 and 5 you probably want to stay away from if you value your improved attacks, and 6 is the only way to switch characters. Not that you have any reason to pick anyone other than Bathrobe Shredder, considering he's the fastest and has jumping projectiiles at the cost of frail weakness. In the interest of fairness to you the reader, I tried to give all three guys equal time.

All video game ninjas know the Double Attack & Art of Fire Wheel.
The "drop giant rock on goblin head" thing, that's a new one.
Well, he got the best specials, what can I say. Standard attacks can also be upgraded, and here's ol' backward cap guy to show us how.

From fists, to Vega Claw, to giant battery.
Hey, wait a sec. Fei Long, Vega Claw; there probably would have been another Capcom vs. Data East lawsuit in the cards, if anyone had heard of this game 15 or so years ago. On the other hand, no Capcom beat-em-up was quite like this. The levels literally have no end, unless you count the time limit that eventually appears. You'll just continue to loop through the mini-level until you collect enough "HELP" hearts, which are usually dropped by enemies. You have to collect 1-5 in every stage, and the subscreen will tell you how many are left until the boss appears. If this seems cheap, the levels may be short but they are Kid Chameleon-like in number, and every one has a boss, even if the "boss" is sometimes a group of strong regular enemies.

Know that it won't be easy grabbing hearts from the bad guys in this one. In many of my reviews, I've devoted a mini-section to the wacky enemies present in the game. This is, I believe, the first time I've made one for an entire SUBSET of enemies. With no further ado, ladies and gentlemen, let's MEET THE KARNOVS.

LOINCLOTH KARNOV: The most common Karnov flunkie in the game. Karnov's budget doesn't include the traditional baggy pants for the multitude of enemies in this game, so they pretty much had to fend for themselves. Despite the lack of attire, these guys can utilize the basic Karnov attacks: spitting fire and awkward jumping. The best part about these guys is that they're only the tip of the iceberg.

MIDGET KARNOV: Karnov's mighty midget contingent has the ability to bend backwards and breathe flame, as well as the unique power of, well, standing upside down. They're also used for other diabolical purposes, as we'll see shortly.

BLACK KARNOV: Although that fat racist bastard Karnov put his soul brothers in the game's jungle area, he did rightfully endow them with more speed and power than their white bretheren. Of course, they do tend to gang up on you more than the others ... you know, I think I'll just stop here before Karnov gets me sued again, then laughs about it from his luxury gondola that he takes out over international waters whenever there's a legal threat.

INJUN KARNOV: ...See what I mean? At least Injun Karnov has the mystical Indian ability to shoot glowing neon pink fireballs.

SCUBA KARNOV: In an homage to Level 5 of the original, these Karnov disciples don the famed scuba helmet the big guy wore to swim slightly faster against those spear-tossing mer-demon things. They also perform a delightful swan dive back into the water if they reach land and your character is nowhere around.
BOMB KARNOV: Not to be outdone, these fellows set you up the bomb with a bigger version of one of Karnov's favorite weapons. And, just like their hero, the bomb very often backfires with comical results.

WINGED KARNOV: Ever wonder what Karnov did with all those useless Scuba Mask and Wings icons he picked up during his game? Wonder no more. Of particular note is the boulbous size Winged Karnov's head must swell to in order to properly spit down fireballs at you.

And last, but certainly not least...

GIANT SEDUCTIVE KARNOV STATUE HELD ALOFT BY FOUR KARNOV MIDGETS THAT SHOOTS FIRE OUT OF HIS TOES

Regrettably, Data East could only afford Karnov and company for about 1/4 of the game, at which point Karnov began demanding a dump truck per day of Milk Duds with the disgusting centers removed delivered to his trailer. Needless to say, the game had to go on without him. On the bright side, this is still Data East we're talking about, so I'll be happy to take you the rest of the way.

Here we see Fei and his flaming sword take on the jungle stages, where the Karnovs are actually still pretty prevalent. I still need to introduce you to this area for a very important reason - the boss is a gigantic pink sheep. That's not even the reason. See, if you are killed by this monster sheep, you inexplicably turn into a giant pink sheep yourself, and remain that way for the next 4-5 levels until it just kind of wears off.

A terrible fate indeed, except for the fact that you gain the boss' power of tossing out miniature pink sheep as offensive weapons, which results in a hilarious sheep-tossin' rematch with Pinky. To illustrate what I was just talking about, here I am in a later level, with a towering demonic totem pole stumbling toward my fluffy pink @$$.

Once the sheep curse is lifted, it's out of the frying pan and into the fire, as the old guy in the hat gets fed up with your ungrateful, bonus-grubbing ways. After kicking his hiding place (an oversized turtle shell), he hops into action against you with his plethora of advanced techniques; not only does he possess the greatest attack in gamedom, the classic extendo punch, but he can shoot Japanese characters at you, and make random parts of his anatomy (...) very, very big.

Come to think of it, this guy is probably the trio's sensei. After all, one of your guys does possess a very similar special move. If only he had time to learn crane style...

The fact that I'm using this screen solely to demonstrate your ability
to leap on projectiles speaks volumes about this game.
Things get (relatively) normal for a bit, as you get through the last of the Karnov areas and the K-crew gets fewer in number. They pick right back up as you meet the final boss before the entirely non-Karnov levels, the enormous foot that transforms you into a star-throwing midget upon contact. To beat it, you must employ the final boss strategy from Super Mario Bros. 3. Reread the preceding paragraph, and then try and tell me I don't have the greatest site on the Internet.

I know, you were thinking "gee, a giant foot boss is great and all, but what about the spooky riverside graveyard and the multiple bridges of doom?". Before your puny brain could even arrive at the point of wondering when the skinny tin man with the ludicrously oversized mallet was going to show up, I had you covered. In a lesser game, any of these screens would make an adequate final section to the stage. Somehow, probably revenue left over from the original Karnov, Data East had deep pockets at this point in history, and sprung for one more major guest star to really cap things off. Go on, keep reading. You're not ... chicken, are you?

The vertical scrolling sewer of gator death and the
Tonka Truck Zombie are your last chances to turn back....

BA-GAWK! Yes, Colonel Sanders himself shows up to tempt our hero(es) with a delicious box of Kentucky Fried Chicken. But in a disgusting orgy of black magic and white meat, the poor Colonel experiences karmic retribution and explodes from within, revealing the always effective evil birds and a bevy of chicken leg projectiles. Colonel Sanders also has midget power. I hope to the gaming powers that be that this is the first time in the history of life that anyone has typed "Colonel Sanders also has midget power".

This is indeed a Japan-exclusive, so as per most of them, we take our obligatory trip to the land of the rising fun. The levels with the endless bamboo and katana platforms made me as dizzy as the last time I touched Fuzzy. If you're using Shredder Ninja, the game really starts to take on an "I'm playing a second-rate knockoff of Ninja Gaiden" vibe at this point, which is why, I'd wager, that they quickly threw in a massive Kitty Boss.

I shouldn't have to say it anymore, but yes, midget power. That's not even the end of the Japanese area. For instance...

...a rematch against Crazy Sensei, more vertical goodness with extendo spear monkeys this time, and rooftop battles with various stone things that come to life. After something like that, you must be expecting something even crazier and off the wall. I'm very sorry to disappoint you, as all I can give you is an unexplained journey into space to battle aggressive astro blobs of many colors.

All right, when the yellow ones can not only employ the blob tanks of their red brothers, but also transform into a dinosaur, that's just too much. Contrary to, or perhaps due to their soft, gelatinous makeup, these guys can take a lot of damage, a very frustrating development when you're trying to collect hearts and ol' Mr. Time Limit rears his ugly head. Did I mention the green ones can bounce? Yeah, they can bounce. The stretch of space levels is what I'd consider the toughest area of the game, but it's okay since we're almost done. Because now, it's LAST BOSS TIME.

...I think? This area consists of a serene park setting, in which you beat up on several small, defenseless animals. After completing this task, your guy strikes his victory pose, evil eyes form beneath him, then the colossal block of evil they're attached to rise up, and we go into midget mode one last time. I'm thinking that this is possibly a bad ending of sorts, perhaps for beating on said animals, but in a game like this? Eh, who knows. After the "block of evil" scene, this happened:

Considering Karnov's involvement, that's a good enough ending for me.

There's no way you can possibly dislike this game. It lends itself perfectly to the arcade beat-em-up genre, especially as far as getting you to add more quarters, which I accomplish by hitting the "Space" key. Perhaps the looping stages could have been made a bit longer, but there are plenty of them, and hey, we were still in the 80's. In that respect, you've got the usual 80's Retro Cafe insanity, topped off with a heaping helping of Karnov. KARNOV. It's a blast to play through at least once, and every time you do, Karnov himself receives a royalty check for 49 cents. So what are you waiting for?

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