Chapter 25 - Kid Chameleon: Get Your Game On! ....Screw it.

One day in an Arcade long ago, a game called "Wild Side" was created. It was a giant room containing all kinds of holograms that really stupid looking kids lined up to play. Unfortunately, the boss of the game was apparently not a hologram, because he somehow escaped and began capturing all the kids that played the game. You'd think that after a few disappeared, the kids would smarten up. But then again, look at them. Oh yeah, the boss' name is "Heady Metal", no relation to Dynamite Headdy. The reason for this is that every boss in the game is a collection of giant bald heads for some reason, but more on that later.

Anyway, the game then lets us know that our only hope is this really dorky kid in a leather jacket and shades that reminds me a lot of Fonzie's short-lived nephew Spike on Happy Days. However, for the purposes of this game and saving the retarded, captured kids, he will henceforth be known as KID CHAMELEON.

The focal point of this game is collecting helmets that tranform your undershirt-wearing useless self into some sort of strangely costumed semi-useless self. Keep in mind that even with their amazing powers, you have almost no chance of finishing this game, which I'll also get into later. But if nothing else, they at least give you at least 3 extra hits. So without further ado....

"NOTHING" - DOOM CALLS IT: BACK TO THE DAMN UGLY KID. This is your default form, in which you're a total wuss with no crazy powers and only two hits. Also, when you lose any special helmet, this is what you revert back to until you find another. The only way to beat enemies is by jumping on them. His "special power" is double-tapping Jump near a block or ledge to grab on to it. Yep, amazing.
Weak Diamond Power: A Mega Man-like diamond shield tries to protect you, and fails miserably.
Strong Diamond Power: A snake-like stream of diamonds homes in on and attacks enemies. Meh.

"IRON KNIGHT" - DOOM CALLS IT: ROBO-HEAD. Not bad considering that you get 5 hit points instead of the usual 3. However, whether he looks more like a robot or a knight to you, what the hell does either have to do with the ability to climb walls? That's right, repeatedly tapping the Attack button to climb walls is this mask's only power. Well that, and being so heavy you can break floors, usually against your will. Not to mention you look like a dipshoot, though I suppose it's no worse than most of the other helmets.
Weak Diamond Power: The same damn shield you get without a helmet.
Strong Diamond Power: Gain one extra hit point. Not bad in a pinch.

"RED STEALTH" - DOOM CALLS IT: LIL' SHREDDER. I'm sorry, but I love the little three note accompaniment that comes with this helmet. It also lets you move faster and jump a little higher, and lets you attack with an extremely ineffective short sword. However, you can downward thrust a la Zelda 2 to destroy blocks below you. Better than the Iron Knight helmet, but not as cool as some of the later ones.
Weak Diamond Power: Makes enemies move verrrrrry slowly.
Strong Diamond Power: That damned diamond snake you can do as the stupid looking kid.

"BERZERKER" - DOOM CALLS IT: THE GAY RHINO. This one is pretty dull unless there's a long stretch of land with multiple enemies. Hold the Dash button while moving to charge right through almost enemy in your path. This helmet also allows you to use the charge to break through vertical rows of blocks ... one at a time, no matter how much speed you build up, which gets incredibly annoying.
Weak Diamond Power: Your basic invincibility; no more, no less.
Strong Diamond Power: A zig-zagging wall of diamonds wraps across the screen, killing enemies and causing distraction.

"MANIAXE" - DOOM CALLS IT: JASON MASK. Well? It's a damn Jason Mask. But it's one of the better ones, because the axe projectiles are as powerful as most weapons, and you can fire them off pretty quick. The only problem is that you seem to move a tad slower, but it's a small price to pay to be able to run around merrily saying "kill her, mommy" while searching for all the camp counselors ... oops, wrong messed up game.
Weak Diamond Power: Stupid circle of diamonds again.
Strong Diamond Power: This one's good; a circle of ankh's appear, and you get an extra life.

"JUGGERNAUT" - DOOM CALLS IT: SKULL TANK. Now we're talking. You morph into a little German skeleton soldier in a long tank that can shoot rapid skulls. It don't get any better than that. The only problem is that you're a midget skeleton in a long tank, so your jumping is severely limited, and you also can't fall through narrow spaces in the floor, which can be good or bad. But you're in a Skull Tank! Vrrrooommm!
Diamond Power: Shoots 5 diamonds across the screen. Guess how many it costs?

"MICROMAX" - DOOM CALLS IT: THE FLY. He done sure can stick to walls. Not entirely useful unless you're in one of those wacky mountain levels with all kinds of annoying vertical narrow passagways. Most ironically, that's usually where the Micromax helmet is. How about that. It's also fairly essential against Heady Metal. It's only been like twice, and I'm already sick of typing that name.
Weak Diamond Power: Another damned diamond snake, but smaller.
Strong Diamond Power: The same fracking thing, but a little faster. Whopee.



"EYECLOPS" - DOOM CALLS IT: AHH, shoot. This is your token "shootty item of the game". At first glance, it shoots an all-excompassing green beam that looks pretty impressive ... until you find out that all the enemies you fire at are laughing at you hysterically. All that damn beam does is reveal hidden blocks. You usually find this helmet, you guessed it, in the levels with lots of .... hidden blocks. Lousy Eyeclops helmet.
Diamond Power: Shoot a (smaller) white beam of energy that still sucks but hurts enemies a bit, costs 2 diamonds per shot.

"SKYCUTTER" - DOOM CALLS IT: HOVERBOARD. This can either be totally kickass or insanely piss-you-off-able. Once you hop on the board, your start moving automatically, and can only stop by changing directions. Also, by jumping and pressing Attack, you can reverse your personal gravity and stick to the ceiling. Depending on your skill, you can use it quite effectively to zip through levels, unless of course its a Skycutter-themed level, in which case you'll have to.
Weak Diamond Power: Invincamability.
Strong Diamond Power: The stupid fracking diamond snake again.

"CYCLONE" - DOOM CALLS IT: HAWKEYE. Hey, remember Hawkeye?! Actually, all the puss did was shoot arrows. I don't know for the life of me why the Avengers kept him around. Anyhoo, by rapidly pressing Attack after jumping, you can spin into a tornado and fly. This one REALLY lets you get through levels quickly, and should be held onto as long as possible. It's also effective against ... Heady Metal, if you can control your spinning. The only drawback is zero offense.
Weak Diamond Power: Diamonds fall down on enemies from the top of the screen.
Strong Diamond Power: Same damn thing, with better accuracy.

DIAMOND: AKA Helmet fuel. Aside from being all purdy and sparkly, you need them to use your helmets special "powers", most of which suck, but eh. 20 of these lets you use your weak power, and 50 gives you strong. If you have more than 50 diamonds, you'll automatically unleash your strong power whether you like it or not. 100 gives you an extra life, but unless you have a really crappy diamond power(s) for a sustained amount of time, stick to the ankhs.

CLOCK: It's .... the Clock. Finding it gives you 3 extra minutes to finish the level, up to a maximum of 9:59. Sometimes useless, sometimes your sorry @$$ better find one if it's one of those 2:00 levels where the flag is in plain view. but you have to navigate a damn block maze or something.

ANKH: I'm not exactly sure why this thing represents an extra life in a game such as this, but that it does, so get it. And yes smartass, I know it's a symbol of life. But where's the THEME? Oh, and it also makes a funny tinkling noise when you get it. No comment.

COIN: Grab this bad boy to get you some hot Continue action. And believeth you me, you'll need every Continue you can get your grubby hands on in this one. When you get it, you hear some girlish yelling and weird noises, but the bottom line is that you have an extra Continue. Did I mention you'll need it.

OK, now to finally come out with the statement I've been alluding to the whole time: this game is fracking hard. Not only that, but it's extremely big. Big and hard .. er, wait a minute. Anyway, there's no way to see everything on your first trip through because of all the teleporters and multiple paths, which greatly enhances replay value. But you'll have enough of a time getting through it in the first place. The damn thing never seems to end.

Your three main functions are run, jump, and attack. You can set all of these functions to the A, B, or C button of your choice. Also, you can use a not-so-devastating diamond power by holding Run and pressing Start. Do not hold Start and press Run (which ... some people I know have been known to do...), or you'll just pause the game and look like an idiot. You keep doing this for a loooong stretch of level after level, each more evil than the last. Oh, and don't die, 'cause the game will actually yell "DIE!" at you when you do. If any game is responsible for kids going nuts with guns these days, it's Kid Chameleon.

OK, there are two ways to get out of a level. You can either find a flag at the end of a level, which gets you bonus points of all kinds (time, no hit, no items, etc.), or you can find a Transporter. A Transporter will usually take you to an "Elsewhere" level, which in turn takes you to another regular level. The Elsewhere levels are mini-levels that either have lots of bonuses and few enemies, or the other way around. However, sometimes Transporters just take you to other points in the level, and even back to the beginning. Sucker.

Now, the bosses. These guys are a special bunch. Actually, no; they're just a bunch of freaky looking bald heads. I'm serious, they include: Shishkaboss, three giant bald heads on a spear that spit green energy at you. Boomerang spitting bald heads. Heads that just float around aimlessly while you hop into manhole covers for, well, cover. But they all pale in comparison to the mighty....

In the final level, "Plethora" (?), you meet up with Heady Metal. What you don't see here is that the floor is comprised solely of rubber blocks, which means you'll be bouncing around the room like it's nobody's business, all while Heady is spitting out tiny heads at you, that spit TINIER heads at you, that spit fireballs. Eesh. There are some rising platforms in the room if you're stuck as the stupid kid (including one that rises all the way into the ceiling, crushing you in the process), but it's almost impossible to beat him this way. A smarter move would be to find the hidden "P" blocks in the room (one was above my head in the left screenshot, the other is in the exact same spot on the right side of the room) that contain a Micromax and Cyclone helmet, respectively. You'll also want to jump in the extreme bottom-right of the room to find a clock. And be quick about it.

If you have the Cyclone, spin up to the top of the head(s) and get in as many hits as possible. Keep in mind that he'll be rising/lowering along with you, and also note that you can maintain your spin even on rubber, as long as you don't land on a platform. It's somewhat hard to keep Cyclone in one place while you're spinning, so be careful. Once you lose it due to your inferior skills, quickly bounce up and get Micromax to (hopefully) finish him off. You should actually uncover the "P" Block that contains Micromax as soon as you get Cyclone, makes it a lot easier. As Micromax, use the walls on the left and right sides to shield yourself and to climb up. Once you land on his head, you can score multiple hits by practically standing still, as long as you avoid the mini-headies. When his eyes start popping out, you know you're almost there. Keep bouncing and avoiding and you'll eventually get to see the crappy ending.

If you're a "newer" type gamer that's miserable at anything pre-32 bit, or if you just flat out suck, this is not the game for you. However, if you have a lot of time on your hands and you want one of the longest and most challenging platform games I've ever played, Kid Chameleon will keep you occupied for quite awhile. You know why? No password or save feature! Curse ye mangy hides!! .... sorry. But really, play it anyway.

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment