Chapter 14 - Big Bird and His Taser Gun

Merlin gaped at Arthur, not sure if he had heard the prince correctly. "You… what?"

Arthur sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I destroyed it," he said in a small, regretful voice. "I destroyed my iPhone."

Merlin chuckled weakly. "Right…?"

In a very reluctant voice, sounding as if he would rather be doing anything than having this conversation with Merlin right now, Arthur mumbled, "You were…" he blanched, "…right, Merlin."

Merlin grinned wickedly. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you, Sire," the servant said. "Could you say it again – and speak up, I can't hear you – OW!" he yelped as Arthur smacked him upside the head. Merlin rubbed the sore spot. "What was that for?"

"You're an idiot, Merlin," Arthur announced although his spirits seemed a bit brighter now that he had insulted and smacked his servant. "But… it is true that I was becoming distracted. Letting my iPhone control me, not thinking straight. For heaven's sakes, I should have realized something was very wrong when Guinevere…" He bit his lip, looking upset.

Merlin sighed and hesitantly put a hand on his master's shoulder, relieved when he didn't get smacked again. "Gwen's not in her right mind," Merlin tried to assure him. "If we can just find a way to fix this…"

Arthur growled in frustration and Merlin quickly removed his hand. "How can we fix it, Merlin?"

Merlin shrugged. "You are the prince, Arthur. Surely you of all people…"

Arthur grimaced. "Merlin – all my father cares about now is his cell phone. I don't think you understand how strong that addiction is – I know, because I went through it, too. It took every ounce of willpower I had to – to –" he glanced forlornly at the window, "—drop it out the window." He looked like he was grieving the death of his best friend and Merlin didn't like the look of longing that had taken over Arthur's face. He finally had someone else on his side – and a person with the power to do something about it – and he didn't need Arthur running back to Rosco's for an iPhone replacement.

"Arthur, I –" Merlin began but was cut off when the door to Arthur's room was flung open and two guards – both sporting a cell phone clip on their ears and tasers on their belts – rushed in, faces hard and determined. Merlin felt his gut clench as he took in the situation – something was not right.

Arthur noticed as well and stepped forward, eyes flashing as the guards approached. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded, every bit the prince of Camelot.

One of the guards pressed two fingers to the listening device clipped to his ear and said in a deep murmur, "This is Big Bird calling P-Dog. P-Dog, do you read me? The Prince wants to know what's going on. What do we say?"

There was an indistinct mumble from the headset while Arthur and Merlin glanced at each other warily. The nervous feeling in the pit of Merlin's stomach intensified as he noticed that the other guard, the one that wasn't speaking on his ear clip thing, was staring at him hatefully, almost predatorily. Arthur must have noticed too, for he took a step forward and positioned himself in front of Merlin, cocking his eyebrows at the guard in question. Merlin felt gratitude wash over him. It seemed that Arthur really was back! Hopefully it would stay that way.

The other man was speaking again. "Alright, got it, P-Dog. We're on it. Big Bird out." He turned, saw that Arthur and his fellow guard were having a stare down, and bowed slightly to Arthur. "Prince Arthur, we have orders from P-Dog – er, I mean, King Uther – to bring the servant to him."

Merlin's eyes went wide as did Arthur's, but the prince stood his ground. "Why is that?"

The second guard cleared his throat, looking uneasy. "He… didn't say." The man reached around Arthur to grab Merlin's wrist but found himself pinned against the wall, Arthur's elbow digging into his back.

"My father," Arthur hissed, "is not in his right mind. None of you are – you're so consumed by Rosco's futuristic merchandise. There's no way I'm letting Father have my manservant when his mind has been boggled by cell phones and embarrassing text messages and apps – who knows what he'll do to him!"

"I'm sorry, Sire, we have our orders," the guard that wasn't in the process of becoming one with the wall announced as he proceeded to grasp Merlin firmly by the upper arm. Merlin, unsure of what was going on but not wanting to find out, tried unsuccessfully to pull away, only to have the guard reach into his belt, pull out the taser gun, and jab it quite brutally into Merlin's side. Merlin gasped as the electrical current hit him, mixing with his magic and causing him even more pain than intended – Merlin's magic and cold, scientific technology sure didn't mix! He let out a howl of pain and nearly fell flat on his face. The guard, meanwhile, looked surprised – it shouldn't have hurt that bad; after all, he had used the lowest setting, just enough to let the master and servant know he was serious.

Arthur growled, let the other guard go, and was about to lunge at the man holding Merlin when the first guard – code name "Big Bird" – used Merlin's position to his advantage, letting the taser gun hover just by the servant's other side. "Sire, I'm sorry, but your father said that if we didn't bring your servant to him, he'd take away our cell phone privileges for a month! So we're taking him to P-Man – cool name, by the way, right? He thought of it himself." Arthur rolled his eyes in exasperation despite the circumstances. Of course Uther had made it up. That's why it was so utterly lame. Dear heavens, his father really needed to stop trying to be cool. "And if you don't want him to get zapped again, you'll let us take him without a fuss."

Arthur traded an almost apologetic (even more apologetic than when he'd looked out the window at the remains of his beloved iPhone) glance with Merlin and dipped his head curtly. "I'm coming, too," he stated bluntly, determined. The guards nodded simultaneously while the man who wasn't already holding Merlin latched onto his other arm. With Arthur walking protectively behind Merlin, the guards leading the confused and aching warlock through the corridors, the foursome made their way to the throne room.

o.O

Morgause was very happy. She had had a TV dinner lasagna while watching Mythbusters – apparently it wasn't possible for someone to escape after being buried in a coffin six feet in the ground – alive. She'd remember that next time someone got on her nerves. She wondered if Cenred had caught the conniving looks she had been throwing at him throughout the course of the episode.

Now she was sitting on Cenred's brand new, lime green La-Z-Boy throne while the King himself was roaming his castle with a bullhorn and a bag of Cheetos (what he needed the Cheetos for, she didn't know, but he'd grown quite accustomed to the orange, cheesy snacks and if bribing him with a bag of Cheetos got him motivated to do what needed to be done, so be it), gathering his army together for a meeting.

Morgana had messaged Morgause on Facebook just five minutes earlier, gleeful because her brilliant Picnik plan had been set into motion. She'd also forwarded her sister the picture of Merlin she'd sent to Uther's phone – it was very well edited, actually, and if one didn't know better, they'd actually be inclined to believe that the hapless idiot did have magic. Of course he didn't, though; Merlin wouldn't know magic if it danced a jig on his head butt naked.

According to Morgana, that pesky servant was being taken care of right now, as Uther had ordered two of his guards – apparently code named "Big Bird" and "Rainbow Princess" (Morgause really wanted to know the background story of the latter name) – to go and bring Merlin to him as soon as the picture was anonymously sent to his phone.

Morgana had apparently been sneaking around in her red cloak and clunky high heels – because every villainess knows that if you slyly put your hood over your head, no one can see you, even if you do walk around in loud shoes. It was just a general principle that all plotting people understand – once the hood is on, no one can see you, even if the cloak is bright red and doesn't blend in with the surroundings at all.

Why had Morgana been skulking about the castle in her completely non-conspicuous manner? In order to sneak a picture of Merlin on her cell phone. She had managed to get one where Merlin was pointing. In actuality, he was apparently giving someone directions to the throne room, but with the sparkles coming out of his finger and the lost servant with ear buds in their ears and an iPod on their hip cropped out of the picture and Merlin's eyes a startling shade of gold – it looked like Merlin, of all people, was performing magic!

Soon, he would be thrown in the dungeons and then hopefully executed – Morgause was hoping for a more "modern" death. Electrocution, perhaps? Open fire with machine guns? Speaking of which…

It wouldn't be too much longer before Cenred had his army together. They had something very important to discuss with the men. Apparently Rosco had a big supply of modern weapons that he had brought along for his own protection in case he got into trouble and needed to defend himself. Morgana had discovered this and had told Morgause about it… after their raid on Rosco's personal arsenal, they would have the supplies and means to blast Camelot right off the map – for good.

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