Chapter 1 - The Beginning
Submitted October 28, 2006 Updated November 5, 2006 Status Incomplete | Uhhh.... What else? It's about a lousy pirate and how he became so.
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Chapter 1 - The Beginning
Chapter 1 - The Beginning
The Lousy Pirate
" I don't really remember anything before i was on a ship...... oh right ARRRR! I am i pirate so i am, or something like that. Anyways I have been a pirate as long as i can remember and thats that...... arrrr. Oh, here's a helpful hint to say arrrr right you have to have four r's or else you'll go down to davey jones locker, and that's really hard unless you have a hall pass. Oh right I'm supposed to be telling you about my life and stuff. Hmmm where do i start..........................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh er arrrr sorry reminiscing makes me tired. oh okay here we go, cue the wavy flashback lines.
Adventure 1.
I was born as every other child, ordered and specially made by santa or was that the stork? Actually I don't really know how i was born, but anyways, my first memory was Quite Hazy. No seriously! I remember pillaging in the island of Qwite Haezzy. Of course at that time i could not tell that it was pillaging, it looked like failure to me. My pirate mentor told me that us going on to an island, screaming yelling, dying, being arrested, then a few escaping to get more pirates, was what pillaging was. I was beaten after the Qwite Haezzy incident for i had not pillaged correctly. I had spat at some soldiers, aposed their authority, stole many valuable things. My mentor was very displeased, and stinky, he always stunk of our famous brew ROOT RUM. His breath was always peutrified by this beverage. But anyways, where was i, oh right the stork er no................. Oh, here's a helpful hint to say arrrr right you have to have four r's or else you'll go down to davey jones locker, and that's really hard unless you have a hall pass NO!!! that's not it! Oh right. So now on to my second and more vivid memory. No wait Moore Vived is my 1235658th memory.
I was stranded on a island just off the coast of Qwite Haezzy. I was left with a stick and some drunken guy named Earl, he claimed to be my brother, but he wasn't. I was stranded there with only a stick to talk to (Earl knew some people, they helped him off, Would you believe that they, all 124 of them, were his brothers & sisters?). First thing i did when i got on that island was i sat down and cried, for i was but a 2 year old, unless you're counting by when santa or is it the stork, either way, delivered me, than i was one and a half ( Don't worry delivery methods have improved since i was a kid). When i got up from my tantrum, Earl was leaving with his 124 bros and siss. So I started walking through the jungle, of course i stayed in a straight line, cause as soon as you turn (it doesn't matter, left or right will do) you're lost! So i walked straight and about half past 18 trees i found an old man sitting in a hammock looking quite pleased so i said to him "What is the meaning of life? You look like you would know,".
He responded " I'm no wiseman, I can't even remember if i was delivered by santa or the stork. I'm Just a dumb boy who pillaged all wrong like,".
" You mean BOTH santa AND the stork deliver babies?".
" Yup. Of course the santa babies are better manufactured than the stork ones,".
" Go figure!".
So thus our.....uh.....wonderful, kinda', friendship began. He promised to build me a hammock if i hooked him up with one of the island hotties. Yes, on the west side of the island there was a colony of island-dwellers. So i was on my way to hook up with a girl of unsurpassable beauty. My first few attempts were foiled by the island dwellers tin foil catapults, for i was only one and a half at the time. Next they were thwarted by the big wall in front of their colony. Then on my 7th try i was able to climb the wall and gain access to the colony. Now my only task was to find a girl, which was hard because..... they all had ghastly beards and deep voices. At this point i was unaware that i had just stepped into a dwarf colony. So i started to talk to people.... er i mean tried to talk to people, but i couldn't firstly because they were so short and secondly i had no beard and they all found my appearance rather unsightly, so none of them would acknowledge my existence, and even if they did i wouldn't have known. I left feeling quite depressed with the fact that i would not be able to have an awesome hammock like Eugene (yes, i know, WHAT A COOOOOLIO NAME!!!!). So i slumped home or well what was home at that point, because no pirate has a home, and wished that the only hotties weren't dwarfs. Eugene was very displeased with my failure, so he took away my stick. That night was cold and lonely without my stick. My stick told the funniest jokes ever made like how do you get fried milk? and What do you get when you mix a pancake and an elephant? You get it?...................................... Guess not. Anyways the next morning Eugene apologized for his behavior and returned my stick. Then, since at that time we were being friendly i asked him
"So can you set me up a hammock?"
He glared at me and said " Of course not! You didn't get me an island lady so you don't get a hammock,"
I stomped off and went straight to the Dwarf colony. With in 5 minutes i had one of the dwarven women. I discovered the way to tell the men from the women...... their feet. The women have no hair folicles in their feet while the men do. (oh i hope i have it the right way or else Eugene is married to a man!)
So then Eugene built the hammock for me and we were pretty much content............ until the monster!
" I don't really remember anything before i was on a ship...... oh right ARRRR! I am i pirate so i am, or something like that. Anyways I have been a pirate as long as i can remember and thats that...... arrrr. Oh, here's a helpful hint to say arrrr right you have to have four r's or else you'll go down to davey jones locker, and that's really hard unless you have a hall pass. Oh right I'm supposed to be telling you about my life and stuff. Hmmm where do i start..........................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh er arrrr sorry reminiscing makes me tired. oh okay here we go, cue the wavy flashback lines.
Adventure 1.
I was born as every other child, ordered and specially made by santa or was that the stork? Actually I don't really know how i was born, but anyways, my first memory was Quite Hazy. No seriously! I remember pillaging in the island of Qwite Haezzy. Of course at that time i could not tell that it was pillaging, it looked like failure to me. My pirate mentor told me that us going on to an island, screaming yelling, dying, being arrested, then a few escaping to get more pirates, was what pillaging was. I was beaten after the Qwite Haezzy incident for i had not pillaged correctly. I had spat at some soldiers, aposed their authority, stole many valuable things. My mentor was very displeased, and stinky, he always stunk of our famous brew ROOT RUM. His breath was always peutrified by this beverage. But anyways, where was i, oh right the stork er no................. Oh, here's a helpful hint to say arrrr right you have to have four r's or else you'll go down to davey jones locker, and that's really hard unless you have a hall pass NO!!! that's not it! Oh right. So now on to my second and more vivid memory. No wait Moore Vived is my 1235658th memory.
I was stranded on a island just off the coast of Qwite Haezzy. I was left with a stick and some drunken guy named Earl, he claimed to be my brother, but he wasn't. I was stranded there with only a stick to talk to (Earl knew some people, they helped him off, Would you believe that they, all 124 of them, were his brothers & sisters?). First thing i did when i got on that island was i sat down and cried, for i was but a 2 year old, unless you're counting by when santa or is it the stork, either way, delivered me, than i was one and a half ( Don't worry delivery methods have improved since i was a kid). When i got up from my tantrum, Earl was leaving with his 124 bros and siss. So I started walking through the jungle, of course i stayed in a straight line, cause as soon as you turn (it doesn't matter, left or right will do) you're lost! So i walked straight and about half past 18 trees i found an old man sitting in a hammock looking quite pleased so i said to him "What is the meaning of life? You look like you would know,".
He responded " I'm no wiseman, I can't even remember if i was delivered by santa or the stork. I'm Just a dumb boy who pillaged all wrong like,".
" You mean BOTH santa AND the stork deliver babies?".
" Yup. Of course the santa babies are better manufactured than the stork ones,".
" Go figure!".
So thus our.....uh.....wonderful, kinda', friendship began. He promised to build me a hammock if i hooked him up with one of the island hotties. Yes, on the west side of the island there was a colony of island-dwellers. So i was on my way to hook up with a girl of unsurpassable beauty. My first few attempts were foiled by the island dwellers tin foil catapults, for i was only one and a half at the time. Next they were thwarted by the big wall in front of their colony. Then on my 7th try i was able to climb the wall and gain access to the colony. Now my only task was to find a girl, which was hard because..... they all had ghastly beards and deep voices. At this point i was unaware that i had just stepped into a dwarf colony. So i started to talk to people.... er i mean tried to talk to people, but i couldn't firstly because they were so short and secondly i had no beard and they all found my appearance rather unsightly, so none of them would acknowledge my existence, and even if they did i wouldn't have known. I left feeling quite depressed with the fact that i would not be able to have an awesome hammock like Eugene (yes, i know, WHAT A COOOOOLIO NAME!!!!). So i slumped home or well what was home at that point, because no pirate has a home, and wished that the only hotties weren't dwarfs. Eugene was very displeased with my failure, so he took away my stick. That night was cold and lonely without my stick. My stick told the funniest jokes ever made like how do you get fried milk? and What do you get when you mix a pancake and an elephant? You get it?...................................... Guess not. Anyways the next morning Eugene apologized for his behavior and returned my stick. Then, since at that time we were being friendly i asked him
"So can you set me up a hammock?"
He glared at me and said " Of course not! You didn't get me an island lady so you don't get a hammock,"
I stomped off and went straight to the Dwarf colony. With in 5 minutes i had one of the dwarven women. I discovered the way to tell the men from the women...... their feet. The women have no hair folicles in their feet while the men do. (oh i hope i have it the right way or else Eugene is married to a man!)
So then Eugene built the hammock for me and we were pretty much content............ until the monster!
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