Chapter 2 - Gurgi
Submitted June 17, 2007 Updated June 17, 2007 Status Incomplete | This is a story i started a long time ago and just found it laying around my room!...to find out what its about you have to read the intro...Enjoy!
Category:
Fantasy |
Chapter 2 - Gurgi
Chapter 2 - Gurgi
“YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Gurgi yelped “MY FIRST FULL DINNER!!!!” Gurgi just killed two rabbits in the woods and is sprinting home to show his parents. When he got home he kicked off his shoes and ran to his parents’ room knocking over the only 3 dishes his family had, and a fork. The plates shattered on the ground as Gurgi ran as if he has dishes to spare. When he got to his parents’ room his feet were gushing red blood, with bits of plate pieces sticking out from his feet.
“Did you break our only plates!?!?” Gurgi’s mother Pam asked “You know we can’t afford buying plates with no food to se…” Pam stopped as Gurgi held his two rabbits up in the air “ G-g-g-g-g-o-o-o s-s-h-h-o-o-w-w t-t-t-h-h-a-a-t-t t-t-o-o your f-a-t-h-e-r” Pam stuttered in disbelief that her son Gurgi actually caught two rabbit because he’s usually to slow to catch any animal. Gurgi was half way out of the house in 1 minute somehow catching these rabbit made me faster Gurgi thought. Gurgi found his dad at the farms. Gurgi’s father John worked at a farm for rich people. John got to take home 10% of what he gives to the rich family he works for. “
Gurgi???” John said very confused. “What brings you here…You know I’m working and you shouldn’t be here, I could get fired!” John said angrily. “If I get fired then you and Pam won’t have anything to eat, so I hope this is worth risking that chance.
“Don’t worry dad it is” Gurgi said secretly and mysteriously as he held the two rabbit behind his back. “TA DA” Gurgi yelled as shot his hand out only to find he held nothing but the air. He stood there staring at his empty hand, and then slowly looked back. As he looked carefully he began to see a wolf sneaking away with Gurgi’s two rabbit. “GET BACK HERE WITH MY RABBIT!!!” Gurgi boomed as the wolf, recognizing that he has been spotted, darted forward. Gurgi ran as fast as he could and sprung out on top of the wolf. The wolf was very smart so he once again darted forward and Gurgi ended up only getting hold of the tail. The wolf now fell. The wolf staggered up and realized it had to fight for its food. Gurgi dodged at least 5 darts of the wolfs teeth until he just jumped on top of the wolf. The wolf knew it was beaten and so it ran away leaving the rabbit on the leaved ground. Gurgi, proud and honored that he won looked around and found that he was as far as he has ever been in the woods. And is now he is lost.
*DUN DUN DUN*
“Did you break our only plates!?!?” Gurgi’s mother Pam asked “You know we can’t afford buying plates with no food to se…” Pam stopped as Gurgi held his two rabbits up in the air “ G-g-g-g-g-o-o-o s-s-h-h-o-o-w-w t-t-t-h-h-a-a-t-t t-t-o-o your f-a-t-h-e-r” Pam stuttered in disbelief that her son Gurgi actually caught two rabbit because he’s usually to slow to catch any animal. Gurgi was half way out of the house in 1 minute somehow catching these rabbit made me faster Gurgi thought. Gurgi found his dad at the farms. Gurgi’s father John worked at a farm for rich people. John got to take home 10% of what he gives to the rich family he works for. “
Gurgi???” John said very confused. “What brings you here…You know I’m working and you shouldn’t be here, I could get fired!” John said angrily. “If I get fired then you and Pam won’t have anything to eat, so I hope this is worth risking that chance.
“Don’t worry dad it is” Gurgi said secretly and mysteriously as he held the two rabbit behind his back. “TA DA” Gurgi yelled as shot his hand out only to find he held nothing but the air. He stood there staring at his empty hand, and then slowly looked back. As he looked carefully he began to see a wolf sneaking away with Gurgi’s two rabbit. “GET BACK HERE WITH MY RABBIT!!!” Gurgi boomed as the wolf, recognizing that he has been spotted, darted forward. Gurgi ran as fast as he could and sprung out on top of the wolf. The wolf was very smart so he once again darted forward and Gurgi ended up only getting hold of the tail. The wolf now fell. The wolf staggered up and realized it had to fight for its food. Gurgi dodged at least 5 darts of the wolfs teeth until he just jumped on top of the wolf. The wolf knew it was beaten and so it ran away leaving the rabbit on the leaved ground. Gurgi, proud and honored that he won looked around and found that he was as far as he has ever been in the woods. And is now he is lost.
*DUN DUN DUN*
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power9x on August 16, 2007, 7:59:22 AM
power9x on
Konohasdarkshadow on June 13, 2012, 1:27:15 PM
Thanks man, i wrote this in like 5th grade haha. I haven't been here for years but reading this actually makes me smile. Your advice is great and i, honestly, still haven't mastered the element of suspense and action. My stories tend to be lacking in climax. Its something i wish to improve. Another problem that you'll see i used to have back when i used this site, and still do have, is that i write really short chapters. It upsets me when i spend time to write and then post it in the chapter section and see like 400 words for the word-count (which suprisingly fills more of a Word page than you'd think xD). I hope to develop a more attention-hooking writing style. Please read my most recent story (the ultra manga thing) and tell me what you think! It'd be great to get criticism. I personally think that whenever i try to write a 'fight' scene i can picture it clearly in my head and when im writing it, its perfectly described and projected with my words. But thennnnn i reread a chapter upon completion and find that the fight scenes are confusing and utterly impossible to follow unless you were reading my mind when i pictured it xDKDog on August 16, 2007, 2:33:21 PM
KDog on
well i didnt even get to finish the story yet (neither did KDog) and i wrote this a long time ago and i didnt bother editing it that much...i started this before i even learned about writing stories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!KDog on August 16, 2007, 2:34:34 PM
KDog on
(KDog is my god Bro and is at my house...i am on his account cuz i forgot to log off)
Rating: 2/5 (Okay)
This story is good in all the main aspects that make up a story are. For example, it uses full sentences, description, and also has some development on the characters! Great job! Though, it does what you need for a great story, but doesn't excel. It's plot is the main problem. It isn't that it's badly done, just, it's a bit boring. Your main point of suspense, the fight with the wolf at the part I read, was skimable at best. You needed to feel emotion with the characters, and play the drama that a fight has for reality. Its real hard, but it is needed. Overall, a fanfic that isn't total shoot, but isn't worth investing my time either. Above a "meh" though because it's well written. I'd improve it by spicing it up a bit. Nothing an english teacher would edit, just a bit more drama. That's all. Bye.