Chapter 37 - War!!! Whoo!!! What is it good for?!!!!

For more then eight hours I’ve been waiting in the outskirts of the city waiting for someone… I was camouflaged and had the perfect view on the main road… My target was Zakhaev… I had a picture of him to identify… I was all alone, stalking the streets with my scope…



Then all of a sudden… I saw him…



Blain: TOC, this is Sierra 2 reporting... I got a positive ID on Zakhaev, spotted at the corner of Mulberry and Boyd Revenington lane… Please advice over…

Radio: Copy that. Take him out when you get the chance.
Blain: Wilco…

I zoomed in with my scope and magnified it 5 times… Everything depended from this shot as I had a clear vision on his head… I steady the butt of the massive sniper rifle with my left hand and took on a slow breathing… I blinked a few times… Zakhaev was talking to someone and made all sorts of hand gestures… I was nervous and closed my eyes… As soon as I opened them, I was ready… Zakhaev had to die…



I gently squeezed the trigger of the rifle and the massive recoil of the rifle almost made me fly through the room. Nevertheless, I managed to keep looking through the scope and I saw the bullets flight path…



Zakhaev: Ice-cream!! Get yer ice-cream here!!
Guy: I TOLD YOU BEFORE I WANT ONE!!!! >_<
Zakhaev: Well- *Head explodes*
Guy: …… *Walks away whistling*

Radio: HOT DAMN!!! FREE ICE CREAM GUYS!!!!
Radio: YAAAAAAAY!!!!

As I looked through the scope, I saw the others coming out and raided the ice cream truck. Within minutes, everything was gone. Then they kept poking Zakhaev’s dead body and flipped over the ice cream truck just for the frack of it.



Blain: … SON OF A dog!!! THEY TOOK ALL THE VANILLA ONES!!!

Radio: Good work sergeant! You sure know how to refresh the morals of the troops by getting them free ice-cream on a hot day!!

Blain: Yeah, yeah…
Radio: Now get your @$$ over here. We’ve got serious business to attend to.
Blain: O_o

So I made the long way back to TOC somewhere in the city… Once I finally got there, everyone was still eating ice-cream.



Jarod: Hey sergeant! You’re looking mighty handsome today! Are those new goggles?!

Blain: …
Shifty: OLI OLIOOOOOOOOOOO!!!1
Blain: What?
Shifty: OLIOOOOO!!
Blain: …
Shifty: OLI!!!
Blain: …
Shifty: …
Blain: Well I gotta go no-
Shifty: OLI OLI OLIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!1
Blain: … *punches Shifty*
Shifty: … Ow…
Blain: …
Shifty: POLEVKA!!!!1 *gets punched*

Ahem. After that, I went to the captain. He was outside…



Captain: Right on time sergeant!
Blain: What’s the assignment?
Captain: We’ve got a man captured by enemy troops!!
Blain: …
Captain: … *whimpers* And he needs us… TT_TT *picks up photograph of soldier and stares at it with soggy eyes*

*long silence…*

Blain: … Rules of engagement, sir?
Captain: … Crew expandable… Peanut?!!!! >_<
Peanut: Yes sir?!!1
Blain: Peanut…?
Captain: Yeah. His real name is John, but I like to call him Peanut. Peanut?!!!!
Peanut: Yes sir?!!!! O_o
Blain: …

Captain: Status report?!!
Peanut: We found a way in sir! We’re going through the rear, making our way through the wet area, load up the guns and blast our load!!

Captain: * giggle snort * Well I sure like that… >w<

Blain: … Can I ask you something?
Captain: Go ahead.
Blain: … Why are you making tactical plans outside…? It could be intercepted by anyone…

Captain: Peanut can answer that question! Peanut?!
Peanut: Yes sir?!
Captain: Just where exactly is my office?!!!
Peanut: Why ehm… You’re currently standing in it… Sir…
Captain: …
Peanut: *giggles*
Blain: …
Captain: … I lost the bloody key of my office ok?! They had to go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way through the continent to bring me the key of my office! Except everyone who tried got shot on the way…

Blain: … I’m going now.
Captain: Good luck soldier!
Peanut: Captain?!
Captain: Yes Peanut?!
Peanut: It’s time for you’re daily nappy poo!
Captain: I don’t wanna go nappy poo!! >_<
Peanut: Did you had you’re pills sir?!
Captain: I don’t want any pills!! >_<
Peanut: But-
Captain: PEANUT!!! YOU’RE FIRED!!!1

After that, I joined my squad… Their not that much of retards…



Jarod: So I sez to him! I sez to him! You know what I sez to him?!
Tavish: No?
Jarod: I sez… You smell funny!! And nobody likes you!!
Tavish: LIEKOMG
Jarod: Yeeeeeeeees!!
Blain: Guys!!!!
All: O_o
Blain: New objective. We gotta save someone.
Tavish: Who?
Blain: … *checks script*
All: …
Blain: Private Skittles.
All: …. ‘Kay…

So we all went like, to enemy territory where nothing could go possibly wrong.



Blain: Tavish?!
Tavish: Sir!!!
Blain: Take this sniper rifle and this convenient handy dandy frying pan with you and go climb that skyscraper!! If you see anything, let us know so we can run away!

Tavish: … Buh-
Blain: Do it.
Tavish: … I never get the fun jobs… *pouts and walks off*

Blain: ‘Kay, listen up. This is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna-


Two hours later…



Tavish: *pants* I’m in place sergeant!
Radio: About frackin’ time Tavish! Now keep looking, you son of a dog!
Tavish: ... O_o

*long silence*

Tavish: … Damn it, he knows I hate small spaces… I… *sobs* I wish I had something to drink…

*door creeks*

Tavish: It-It’s ok… There’s nothing there… Ju-Just keep a look out…

While Tavish was out there to look for threats, we continued our way… We encountered something unexpected though.



Jarod: Hey is that Ezran?

Then Jarod pointed to a rotting corpse in the distance that got shot to pieces. Then all of a sudden, shots were heard. The corpse got hit a few times.



Human: You’re so lucky you’re dead!!!! >_<

Jarod: Sniper…!!
Blain: How do we get passed him…?!!
Jarod: I have a plan…

We hid behind a wall as Jarod got out two sticks from out of nowhere. He holds it under the corpse and the other stick is used to move his arm that got shot off.



Jarod: *moves around with corpse* Whoo! Look at me! I’m Ezran! I’m dead! Whoooooo!!!

Human: shoot!!! Zombies!!! frack!!!! You assholes are on your own!!
Blain: It works…!!
Human: *jumps out of window* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! –splat-
Blain: Good thinking Jarod!!
Jarod: *plays with corpse* Huh? Whuzzat?

Meanwhile…


*door creeks*

Tavish: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!1 O_o *fires at door*

*long silence*

*door creeks*

Tavish: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!11 o_O *fires at door*

Meanwhile yet again…



Shifty: Whoa! A tank!
Captain: She sure is a beauty isn’t she?!
Shifty: It’s magnificent! I… I think it’s calling my name… “C’mere Shifty! C’mere! Touch my hydraulic suspension!”
Captain: …
Shifty: *Pokes suspension*
Captain: …
Shifty: *giggles like a school girl*
Captain: … I wonder if I can fit that barrel… Up my @$$! =3
Shifty: O_o

We managed to infiltrate the enemy base.



Blain: HUMAN!!!!!! O_o
Jarod: OH SHEET!!!!
Human: O_o *gets perforated*
Blain/Jarod: ^w^
Another human: Hey, what are you guys doing?!
Blain/Jarod: HUMAN!!!!! O_o
Human: *gets perforated*
Blain/Jarod: ^w^

Blain: Set the charges!!
Jarod: Alright!!

Then there was this big bang as walls and stuff blew up.



Human: O_o
Human2: What?
Human: Was that you?
Human2: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe… >w<
Human: …
Human2: >=( *gets slapped*


Then we ran through the hole in the wall and made our way to the prison… We could hear them in the interrogation room through the walls…



Skittles: You guys are wasting your time!! I’ll never talk!!
Human: Oh yeah?!! See what we did to your friend?!! We cut his wiener off and shoved it up his @$$ and made sarcastic comments like “Go frack yourself” while we pointed and laughed at him!!! Don’t make me use the stick!!!

Skittles: NO!!! NO!!!!

Blain: *grabs radio* CAPTAIN!! WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!! THEIR ABOUT TO POKE SKITTLES!!!!

Captain: OH shoot!!! ALL TEAMS, GO!!!!

Then all of a sudden, a tank drove through the wall while a lot of other soldiers ran through. We checked the other rooms for threats…



Blain/Jarod: *barges in bathroom*
Human: *farts*
Blain/Jarod: O_o
Human: You know when you have diarrhoea, but it doesn’t hurt that much when it comes out? Damn, it’s so satisfying man… ^w^ *gets shot*

Blain/Jarod: … Right.

At that point, Tavish ran through the hall screaming his lungs out.



Tavish: *girly scream* WE’RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! o_O

*ahem* Then we ran through the corridors to look for the prison. We barged in the door, and not long after that, others were joining us as well. The three humans near Skittles got shot, but one was still holding a stick… A very tough situation…



Jarod: Drop the stick!! Do it!!
Blain: Drop it!!
Shifty: I’m wearing panties!!
Jarod: You got nowhere to- Wait, what?! O_o
Shifty: =3

Then all of a sudden, we got pushed aside by Tavish.



Tavish: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!1 *shoots human*
Human: *drops dead and pokes stick in the eye of Skittles*

Skittles: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! IT HURTS!!!1 HOLY shoot IT HURTS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! SON OF A-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH-!!!!!1

Jarod: It’s alright, here, lemme help. *Yanks stick*
Skittles:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!1 *gets hit by frying pan*

Skittles: …
Blain: … He’s dead?
Tavish: ^w^
Jarod: Looks like it… *pokes Skittles*
Skittles: …
Jarod: Yup, he’s dead.

Skittles: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!1 MY HEA- *gets shot*

Then we all glared at Jarod.


Jarod: What?

Blain: *sighs* Let’s inform TOC that the mission failed…
Human: U PHAIL!!!!1 >=( *gets shot*
All: …
Blain: TOC, this is Yankee Doodle Milkshake Floppydisk zero niner. VIP killed in action. Extraction failed.

Radio: Eh, roger. Continue mission.
Blain: … That was the mission sir.
Radio: … *cries*

So once we got outside, we re-grouped. Then the radio of one of the guys went off…

Radio: This is a sad day for the MNAF troops as we lost one of our fine men… He will be remembered with honour…

Echidna: *whispers* Yeah, it was the captain’s butt buddy…!!
Armadillo: *giggles* Sssh…!! Ssh…!!
Tavish: Put it on speaker…!!
All: *chuckles*


Radio: This however, has to be prevented in the future... We can not tolerate any more of these failures… Not until we are victorious and reign supreme… Any questions…?

Tavish: Yeah I have a question!
Radio: … Go ahead…
Tavish: … Pay checks on Friday?
Radio: Pay checks every Friday!
All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
Radio: Anyone else has a question?
Echidna: Yeah so uh… How do we make sure we actually win this war? I don’t think we can handle this one…

Radio: Person to the right of him, execute him!! And the person next to him, execute the one who executed the first guy!!

Echidna: *gets stabbed*
Armadillo: *gets shot*

Radio: That’s how we’re gonna win the war!! Anyone else feel like not winning?!!
Tavish: *cough* Balls!!! *coughs*
Radio: Who said that?!!
Jarod: BALLS!!!!
Radio: Ok, I know you guys are going out of line!!
Shifty: BALLS!!!!
Radio: Who was it?!!!
Blain: IT WAS ME!!!
Jarod: NO ME!!!
Tavish: I DID!!
All: WE DID!!

*long silence*

Tavish: BALLS!!!!
Radio: Ok, I heard that, Tavish!! You do realize I’ll have to nuke everyone just because you made fun of me?!!

Tavish: … Aw…

Radio: My speech wasn’t that bad was it?! I’ve been keeping it encase something like this would happen!! *cries and disconnects radio*

All: …
Jarod: Well I thought you’re speech was pretty good…
Radio: … You really think so-
Jarod: BALLS!!!!

Then we all got nuked.



End.

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