Chapter 1 - Chapter One

SIYENGO-ON-HIGHPRODUCTIONS PRESENTS…

THE SOLAR POWEREDMUFFIN SCRAPER!

~*~*~*~*

Prologue

It’s been quite a whilesince the Multiverse was created.

Lots of things havehappened since then. Humans developed. Gameboys were invented. McDonalds tried,on five separate occasions, to take over the world. Squall Leonhart mistook abottle of Viagra for lemonade. Cloud Strife managed to put a grand piano downhis pants in a – vain – attempt to impress the ladies.

This is the tale, however,of an epic quest by some very reluctant heroes to find those things which giveour lives meaning.

It is the legend of theSolar-Powered Muffin Scraper!

I hope you enjoy. If youdon’t, throw cheese out the window, award yourself four points and shout"Hooray" twice.

Fwee to life! Fwee I say!

~*~*~*~*

CHAPTER ONE

It was a dark and stormynight in Hollow Bastion.

Well, it wasn’t really; infact, it was bright and warm, and the sun was out and complaining aboutpolitics. A certain silver-haired teenager was sitting on one of the gondolas,quoting from angsty Russian texts.

"Peanut butter,peanut butter, peanut butter and jelly, yum-yum, salty, sweet, sticky,squishy, have it on a sandwich all day long, ‘cause it’s peanut butter andjelly!"

Actually, Riku was dancingabout like a moron in his kitchen, swishing about in that apron like he wasmade for it! Spoons and sporks flew one way; saucepans flew the other; a randomcaterpillar fell out the window, grew wings and flew away.

It was… RIKU’S COOKINGHOUR!

Meanwhile… oh, stuff the meanwhiles.We all love Riku, don’t we? Don’t we?!

"Bananas, bananas,eat them, fwee! Chop-them-up-and-put-them-in-stew, yellow bananas, one andtwo!"

It had escaped him thatyou don’t put bananas in stew, but the Authoress in the Sky was not about tocorrect him. He had a Keyblade, damn it – those things hurt!

Riku grabbed a woodenspoon and waltzed across the kitchen, singing about bananas. Outside, a palmtree imploded, but nobody noticed. Hollow Bastion palm trees were of a veryspecial variety; they imploded and turned into chocolate randomly and for noapparent reason. If asked about it, they looked shifty and challenged you to agame of volleyball – people generally kept well away from them.

"Hello!" said abreadcrumb on the windowsill. Riku picked it up and serenaded it for a while,before tripping over a purple donkey.

Suddenly, the door opened.A spiky-haired creature walked in and looked in mild surprise at Riku, thedonkey, the breadcrumb, and the multitude of saucepans scattered on the floor.The saucepans sang an ABBA medley, while the donkey grew wheels and screamedoff into the distance.

"Riku," the oneknown as Sora said sternly, "did you touch my magical cookies?"

"They’re plastic,Sora," Riku muttered.

"They’re not! THEY’RENOT! Don’t listen to him, children! He’s evil!"

Sora grabbed the (plastic)cookies and, hugging them tightly, ran away, crushing minor planets beneath hisshoes.

Riku sighed. "He’llcombust one day." And he gathered up his utensils, sad because the CookingHour was over.

~*~*~*~*

"Muahahahahaha*choke* ahaha *choke* ah *choke*… damn it."

"Keep it down,"a random Behemoth said crossly, "I’m trying to eat spaghetti here."

"But I need toperfect my evil laugh before I can release my invention upon the unsuspectingpublic!"

The Behemoth turned into apeacock.

"Muahahaha… hey, amoogle."

The moogle’s pompom wasflicked. The moogle became purple.

"Uh-oh…" The oneknown as Ansem backed away, and then ran off out the door and down the road.The moogle followed.

"DAMN IT YOUSTUPID WEEVIL YOU TOUCHED THE POMPOM IT’S MY POMPOM MINE DAMN YOU I’LL KILL YOUI’LL EAT YOUR FAMILY I OPPOSE YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR KUPO!" themoogle howled as it chased after him, waving a teapot.

"Help!"

The Heartless normallyassisted Ansem in his frequent battles against moogles, clowns and toothpastetubes; they were having too much fun to help him at that moment, however.

"My money’s on themoogle," an Air Soldier said.

"Yeah," said itscompanion, "it’s got a teapot."

"Ansem’s awimp," a third agreed.

The vote was unanimous andbets were taken; the result was 386421557137 to one in the moogle’s favour, asAnsem was apparently useless without his Heartless lackeys. Plus, the mooglewas armed with what a random Rare Truffle breathlessly claimed was "asuper-gigantic cheese-infused teapot of death and destruction!"

"SAY YOUR PRAYERS,KUPO!"

Ansem leapt dramaticallyinto the air and grabbed… A CLICKY PEN! It clicked. And clicked. And clickedagain! It was the clicky pen to end all clicky pens!!!

"Eat this,moogle!"

The moogle ate it. Ansemsweat-dropped.

"This clicky pentastes of cat food! Kupo! I demand vengeance! It’s offending my tastebuds,kupo!"

"Cat food’s not thatbad," Jenna said innocently, before realising that Greta’s camera was pointedat her. She hissed and evaporated.

"Um… tell thecompany! It’s the company’s fault!"

"FURY! KUPO!"

The moogle put on ajetpack and zoomed away into the clouds.

The Heartless were allspeechless; Ansem smirked.

"I am too good."

~*~*~*~

"Don’t go on pornsites, Riku! Porn is unholy!"

"It’s not a pornsite, Sora. It’s just Neopets."

"Underpants!"

Sora ran madly around theroom. His cause for elation? He’d just found a pair of Cloud’s underpants inthe fridge. Cloud always kept his underwear in the fridge; he said it got thechocolate stains out.

"Riku, look!Underpants! Underpants!"

"That’s great."

"You know what? I’mgoing to make them into a hamburger!"

"Um… Sora…"

The Keymaster sprinkledparmesan on the underwear and ate them. Riku went pale.

"Tastes likestrawberry!" Sora danced until he fell out the window, upon which he couldbe faintly heard singing the Pokemon song.

Riku sighed and looked athis computer.

He dropped his Moogle Popand shrieked.

There, emblazoned across ablank blue screen of death, the words were emblazoned:

ALERT YOUR COMPUTER HASBEEN CHEESED ALERT YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN CHEESED ALERT YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEENCHEESED ALERT YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN CHEESED
 

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