Chapter 22 - The battle of the doppelgangers part 1

The next scene plays in the depths of hell, where there is a colossal arena, with thousands of devils, demons and zombies as the audience. Between them there are Zombie-Captain Hero, who could get out of Toot’s butt and now flies surround him, Zombie-Claire, who holds her intestines, Zombie-Clara, Zombie-Doofy, Zombie-Toot, who’s split up into two halfs and therefore her legs sit next to her and Zombie-Trevor, who passed away the second time. A little devil dressed up as a hotdog-salesman comes along.

Devil: Hotdogs! I’ve got fresh hotdogs!
Z. Toot: I take two!

The devil throws two burning wiener-dogs at Zombie-Toot. She catches both of them and gives one to her legs.

Z. Toot: Bon appétit…

Zombie-Toot’s legs push the wiener-dog in the butt and that butt farts flames. Zombie-Toot looks shocked.

Z. Toot: Tisk tisk tisk. That was very unappetizing…

Z. Toot devours the wiener-dog with one bite and spits out fire as a burp.

Z. Clara: I just can’t understand. I thought I would come to heaven because I’m against homosexuality and hate jews.
Z. Claire: Well, probably you’ve chosen the wrong religion and made god angry.
Z. Doofy: Which religion is the right one in that case?
Z. Claire: Mormons, Doofy. It’s always the mormons…

All of a sudden a flame goes up in the middle of the arena and all are watching it tense. It’s Satan in a shape of a lawyer. He holds a microphone in his hand.

Satan: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Demons and devils! I greet you all warmly to „THE BATTLE OF THE DOPPELGANGERS“!!

All applaud.

Satan: Today we have invited the guests from the new reality show „Drawn Together Survival“ to fight against their opponents, also known as doppelgangers to their death!

All applaud again.

Z. Doofy: Honestly I can’t remember why I applied for the show in the first place…
Z. Trevor: You couldn’t. You just hold it out it there for five minutes until you choked to death by a fishbone.
Z. Doofy: Really? (puts his hand in his throat and fishes out a fishbone.) Look at that! That’s what I call bad luck! (laughs stupidly and gets a punch on the face by Zombie-Captain Hero.)
Z.C.Hero: Quiet, I can’t understand what the lawyer is talking about!
Z. Doofy: Fowwy!
Satan: But at first I’m greeting our audience of honour: The former housemates from Drawn Together Survival!

All applaud to Zombie-Captain Hero, Zombie-Claire, Zombie-Clara, Zombie-Doofy, Zombie-Toot and Zombie-Trevor. The audience of honour are pleased.

Z. Toot: Look: The crowd loves us!
Z. Claire: Or they just feel pity for us… (Zombie-Captain Hero punches her in the face. Her head falls off and lands on the floor where old sticky vomit-spots are.) Ouch.
Z.C.Hero: I only will put your head on your body again if you finally learned to say positive things.
Z. Claire: Yippie. (ironic.)
Z.C.Hero: That will do! (puts Zombie-Claire’s head on her body again.)
Satan: And so I’m going to introduce to you the still alive members… SPANKYYYYYYYYYYYY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!

All the headlights fix to Spanky Ham who comes out of the gate raises his hands. „Sabotage“ from the Beastie Boys is playing in the background. Just for fun he takes off his pants and shows his naked butt to the audience.

Z. Trevor: Oi, I recognize that buttface from everywhere! BEAT THOSE BASTARDS, SPANKY!!!

Spanky takes his pants on again and stands next to Satan.

Spanky: Satan, you and in a suit: I somehow had the idea that there’s something between you and the lawyers. (winks at Satan.)
Satan: You could say something new for a change. FOXXYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!

Foxxy comes afterwards and waves to the audience. „She wants to move“ from Nerd is playing in the background.

Foxxy: ARE YA PEEPS IN DA HOUSE, FELLAS?!
Z. Trevor: SHOW ME YOUR TITS!!!

JMonay, a southpark-character lookalike teenager with a white hoodie and black fuzzy hair is sitting next to Zombie-Trevor.

JMonay: OH, YEAH!! SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!!!

Zombie-Trevor turns his head around and looks at JMonay surprised.

Z. Trevor: Oi, how could a half portion like you get in here?!
JMonay: Helloooo? Magic powers?
Z. Trevor: Did you know that I also have got magical powers?
JMonay: You’re saying something new with that, Trevor. Eww, what’s that stench?! (closes his non-available nose.)
Z. Trevor: My magic power is to change the air! (laughs his @$$ off. JMonay looks at Zombie-Trevor disgusted.)
JMonay: Yo Momma!

Foxxy stands next to Spanky.

Foxxy: Yo were right, Spanky: Da hell is much mo’ pleasant than da science-fiction convention. I hadn’t had such a great applause for a long time since the last Foxxy Five Tour. Y’know: Da performance featuring Peacy P.
Satan: What do you think who else had established the first science-siction convention ever, huh? And now a big applause for LIIIIIIING-LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!

Ling-Ling enters the arena and presents some of his jumping-skills. „Smack my dog up“ from Prodigy is playing in the background. Zombie-Doofy shudders in fear and hides under his seat.

Z. Toot: What’s the matter with this sick-minded dinosaur?
Z. Claire: Whatever it is: I just care a shoot about that.
Z. Clara: This is so typical about jews like you… Jew! (looking mad at Zombie-Claire.)
Z. Claire: Oh, booh! I’m so totally sorry that I couldn’t choose my religion on my own.
Z. Clara: You better be sorry, jew!
Z. Claire: By the way: This jew has got a name.
Z. Clara: I know that already, jew. Your name is Jew, jew!
Z. Claire: If you say so, christian…

Zombie-Clara begins to cry. Ling-Ling lands on Foxxy’s breasts.

JMonay &
Z. Trevor: Lucky! (looking sad.)
Satan: Well, Ling-Ling: How do you make those women let you sitting on their boobs?
Ling-Ling: Secret will not be uncovered.
Foxxy: Yo just have to look at dat cute lil’ fella and den you’ve got da answer.
Satan: I see… Way to go! (winks at Ling-Ling.) WOOLDOOOOOOOOOR SOCKBAAAAAAAAT!!

The soundtrack to „Kill Bill“ is playing in the background. Wooldoor enters the arena, looks at the audience and waves at the Ex-Drawn Together Survival members heavy.

Wooldoor: HELLOOOOO!! GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN!!
Z.C. Hero: SHUT UP!!!
Wooldoor: (laughs.) Aw, Captain Hero: You may be dead now but you’ll never lose your sense of humour!

Wooldoor stands next to Foxxy and smiles.

Satan: Whoah, I haven’t seen such an ugly creature like you in my entire existence! Dear watchers: That’s what happens when you try to crossover a lemon with a duck in a washing machine!

The audience laughs.

Wooldoor: Wheeeee! They all seem to be in a happy mood! No wonder: looking at a horncattle with a meatface only a mother could love makes everyone laugh! Wheeeeeeeee!
Satan: Grrrrr…! Let’s continue with XANDIR P. WIFFLEBOTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Xandir enters the arena. „Sonne“ from Rammstein is playing in the background. Xandir looks at the audience shocked.

Xandir: Oh, my goodness. They all could take a face-treatment for some change…
Z. Trevor: HOOOOMOOO! HOOOOOMOOO!

Zombie-Toot’s legs get up and kick Zombie-Trevor’s nuts.

Z. Trevor: OUCH!! I deserved that…! (spits blood out.)
Z. Doofy: (rises his head from under the seat.) Can I come out again…? (blood lands on his face.) I’m asking later… (hides again.)

Xandir stands next to Wooldoor.

Satan: (wants to say something but he refused.) No, that’s much too easy.
Xandir: What is that supposed to mean? Now I’m insulted. (turns away from Satan and crosses his arms.)
Satan: GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!

G-Bot flies around and leaves white lines behind. „Intergalactic“ from the Beastie Boys is playing in the background. G-Bot makes heroic poses. Zombie-Captain Hero drops tears for joy.

Z.C. Hero: That’s my son… (Sob!)
Z. Clara: But I thought you’ve got no son!
Z.C. Hero: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN MY ILLUSIONS?!? (cries and hits Zombie-Clara in the face. Zombie-Clara falls down on the floor.)
Z. Toot: Hey, the fight takes place in the arena and not here in your cheap seats!
Z. Claire: We even haven’t paid for sitting here.
Z. Toot: True that…

G-Bot is floating in the air and looks cute.

G-Bot: You are a great audience! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

G-Bot lands next to Xandir.

Satan: G-Bot, is that true that the „G“ in your name stands for Gordon?
G-Bot: Yes! (grins.)
Satan: This is very amazing. I thought somehow that the „G“ would stand for gaga! (laughs.)

The audience laughs.

G-Bot: Yes, that too. But it also stands for „Get a life and don’t go on my nerves before I pulverize you and sell your ashes as a cacao drink! Get it, you pansy?!“ (grins.)
Satan: … Uh… Well… (sweats.) Okay, then lets continue with INTRUDEEEEEEEEEEEEER MONKEYFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST!!!

Monkeyfist enters the arena taking long steps. „Come with me“ (Soundtrack to Godzilla) from P. Diddy is playing in the background. On the half of the way the alien stands and raises its arms.

Monkeyfist: That’s right! Bow down to your future master of the underworld!

The audience laughs. Monkeyfist looks angry.

Monkeyfist: How dare you to laugh at me, the almighty Intruder Monkeyfist?! Just you wait: Someday you will all have laughed for the last time and then I will be the one who laughs at YOU! Hahahahaha! You uncivilised pile of nothing! (holds its fist high and goes on.)
Z. Claire: This thing still can’t shut up…
Z.C. Hero: SHUT UP!!!

Monkeyfist stands next to G-Bot who smiles at the alien.

Satan: Whoawhoawhoa, I take everything back I said to the yellow mess: THIS makes the barrel of uglyness flow over!

The audience laughs.

Monkeyfist: Apparently you’ve got the audience at your side, Satan, but I stay to my abnormality, because it doesn’t prevent me from letting off my whole hate to the humanity! (swings its fist around.)
Satan: Big words for a small… Uh… girl…? Nevermind: Anyways I have to ask you not to insult my watchers again.
Spanky: She’s always like that, Satan. You don’t have to worry about it.
Wooldoor: Exactly! Actually she just wants to say that she’s pleased to be here in the arena.
Monkeyfist: I can’t remember to hire you guys as my interpreters but I will sure have lots of fun to eliminate my opponents…
Satan: Good to hear… And here’s FELIAAAAAAAA PAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEED!!!

Felia Paed enters the arena with a shining smile and blows kisses. „Milkshake“ from Kelis is playing in the background. She takes out a tissue from her breasts and lets it fall down on purpose. She pretends to look surprised.

Felia: Oops! I think I’ve lost something. (turns around with her butt to the audience and bends down to pick up the tissue.)

The watchers whistle at her. Blood spreads out of Zombie-Captain Hero and Zombie-Trevor’s nostrils. Felia turns around and chuckles. Then she stands next to Monkeyfist. The alien looks at her disgusted.

Felia: Hello, Mr. Satan. You look even more handsome than imagined. Tee-hee-hee-hee!
Satan: Thanks: They say that everything appears to be bigger on tv, but your breasts are an exception! (laughs.) Can I touch them?
Felia: (puts her pointing-finger high and waves with it around.) No, no, no! You just would burn your fingers off.
Satan: I see… (winks.) Are you all ready for your opponents?
Foxxy: We were born to be ready, baby! (snaps with her fingers.)
Satan: That’s what I wanted to hear: Let the doppelgangers out!

The little black demons open the second gate. The headlights fix to the opponents who get in the arena. At first there comes Sailor Moon and stands in front of Felia Paed. Afterwards there comes Invader Zim, who stands in front of Intruder Monkeyfist. Then Megaman comes and stands in front of G-Bot. Link enters the arena and stands in front of Xandir P. Wifflebottom. Behind him there comes Spongebob Squarepants, who stands in front of Wooldoor Sockbat. Pikachu sprints to the arena, accompanied by Valerie Brown. Both stand in front of Foxxy Love and Ling-Ling. The last one coming is Swearbear, who stands in front of Spanky Ham.

Link: I just hope that you know that no point-eared actionhero has ever succeeded to defeat me!
Xandir: Who was talking about that I want to defeat you? (winks lovely. Link gulps.)
Satan: I assume that you all know the rules. And if not, then I’m going to repeat it. Rule number one: There are no rules. Rule number two: The survived wins. And now let’s get it on!

The hell bell has been hit by a little black demon. The battle has begun.

Link: What do you mean with „Who was talking about that I want to defeat you?“ ?! (looks scared at Xandir and takes a few steps back. He’s about to pull out his sword.)
Xandir: (Comes closer to Link and takes a look at him with his seducer-view.) You exactly know what I mean… (takes out his sword as well.)
Link: GAY-ALERT!!! (swings his sword around himself in a 360°-spin.)

Xandir jumps over the blade and grabs Link with his hand on the elfboy’s shoulder. He makes a sommersault over Link and clings behind him like a coala. Xandir’s sword touches Link’s throat.

Xandir: You can’t escape from me, Link. You can’t fight my love to you… (licks Link’s cheek with pleasure.)

Link sceams as Xandir takes his clothes off. And he can’t defend himself.

Spanky: Uuh, that’s sick. Well, at least there's one doppelganger less… (get’s a piece of poo behind his head. He turns around. It’s Swearbear who throws faeces at him.)
Swearbear: Taste this shoot, dick! (throws again.)
Spanky: (bends down and the piece of poo flies past him.) I’ll get you to eat your own shoot!!

Close up to Spanky's mean stare. Thrilling music in the background.

To be continued in chapter 23...

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