Chapter 1 - 51 MORE Ways to Annoy Murtagh

Okay, if you’re obsessed with Murtagh (as in lovey dovey), DO NOT READ THIS. (Unless of course you think that Murtagh will fall in love ‘cause of reverse psychology or something like that.) If you’re bored and want to have a few laughs, (or maniacal cackling in Galbatorix’s case) then by all means read this.  

The original “51 Ways to Annoy Murtagh” can be found here: http://www.shurtugal.com/?id=fans/fun/51  

51 MORE Ways to Annoy Murtagh 

1. Go up to Galbatorix and suggest that Murtagh’s punishment for letting Eragon escape should be....a swirly!

2. Keep asking how Nasuada is.

3. Set his fangirls on him and laugh evilly as he runs away frantically.

4. Tell Galbatorix that Murtagh has been giving him “the look”.

5. If he tells you his father is Morzan, laugh and say, “Yeah, and I am a pretty little butterfly!” Then twit around and flutter your hands around a little for emphasis.

6. Whenever you’ve started a conversation with him, suddenly turn white and make your eyes bug out. Then when he asks what’s wrong, whisper dramatically that there’s a whole army of the Varden right behind him. If he whips around to try to see them, say, “Haha! I got you!” and run away quickly.

7. If he chases you after #6, go to Galbatorix and tell him that his strongest warrior has gone mad and thinks he sees the Varden everywhere.

8. Keep calling him Han Solo and ask if he’s seen Luke Skywalker lately.

9. If after #8 he looks at you bewildered, wink and say, “Oh yeah...you’re Murtagh,” and tap your nose knowingly. (like that guy in that place)

10. Keep singing (to the tune of “99 Bottles of Beer”) “51 ways to annoy Murtagh some more....51 ways to annoy....you complete one way and laugh at him a lot....50 ways to annoy Murtagh some more!....”

11. Whenever you see him, exclaim, “By Islanzadi’s pointy ears!” Then pretend to faint.

12. If he asks you why you just did that (in #11) ask, “....Huh? Where.....where am I? Who are you? Wait, who am I?” Then see how he reacts to this.

13. Say something random, like, “You have hair.”

14. Tell him Angela has predicted he’s going to die in one day.

15. Get a straw-stuffed doll, go up to him and claim it’s a voodoo doll, and then stab the doll a couple of times with a knife.

16. Tell everyone solemnly how Murtagh has died. Watch whenever Murtagh enters a room full of people and see if they all faint from seeing a ghost.

17. Ask (very, very loudly) him if he’s been taking a bath lately. Make sure you do this near at least ten other people.

18. Steal Thorn and pretend to be him for a while, though in a mocking way.

19. Dress up as Morzan and go up to him. Then say, “Murtagh, I am your father.”

20. If you catch him in public, immediately go up to him and slap him. HARD. See the rumors fly.

21. Post a “Kick Me” sign to his back. Then parade him up and down the streets and see if anyone kicks him.

22. If no one kicks him in #21, then go up to him yourself and kick him. (You could’ve done this without the sign, but with it you have an excuse)

23. Drench his....um....underwear in meat and put it back in his wardrobe (with tongs). Then ACCIDENTALLY let the dogs run wild in Galbatorix’s palace and watch the feasting begin.

24. If he gets mad at you, as he undoubtedly will, laugh and say, “Aw...does the baby want his bottle?”

25. Put in ad in the newspaper (or give it to the....um...herald...) saying, “Win a date with Murtagh!” Then show the ad to him and see how he reacts.

26. Spread the rumor around that Murtagh’s favorite book is Gone with the Wind.

27. If a girl shows interest in him, say, “Oh, yeah, Murtagh is great. We’re all pleased with his progress ever since the madhouse decided to let him live by himself again.”

28. Convince Galbatorix to let you take Murtagh as your bodyguard. Then afterwards, keep pointing at a random person and say, “That’s the one! GET HIM!”

29. When Murtagh attacks the random person in #28, and inevitably gets thrown in jail, sigh, shake your head, and say, “That’s it, Murtagh. I’m not spending any more bail money on you.” Watch him roar in rage and try to attack you through the bars.

30. Keep following Murtagh around, singing of how he’s hypothetically brave in the face of hypothetical danger.

31. Sign him up for Alagaesian Idol.

32. Go up to Galbatorix and tell him that Murtagh called him fat, crazy, insane, stupid, Neanderthal, and any other insult you care to throw at him. Watch Galbatorix call Murtagh in for another round of swirly time.

33. Scream, “Murtagh! What would your mother say?” whenever he’s in a marketplace or something like that. People will undoubtedly turn around and stare at him, making him very, very uncomfortable and you very, very mean. Good job, you!

34. Tell everyone how he cried for two days straight when Bambi’s mother died.

35. Write him creepy notes in blood (or red paint) saying, “DIE!” all over it.

36. In relation to #35, see if he gets freaked out and starts hiring bodyguards.

37. Burst into his room unannounced.

38. Tell him Eragon is a hottie and see if he gets insulted.

39. Tell him that Nasuada loves him.

40. See if he tries to marry her after #39.

41. Laugh evilly whenever he enters a room that you’re in. Then suddenly pretend to notice him and stop quickly. For good measure, cough awkwardly and say, “Oh...hello....Murtagh....I was....just....thinking...of you.....”

42. Tell him Thorn ran away with Saphira.

43. If he can’t stand anymore of all the annoyance and curses at you, cry loudly and say that you always thought he was your friend.

44. Steal Zar’roc. Then throw it at Eragon and claim that Eragon stole it.

45. See if Eragon and Murtagh clash in another epic battle after #44. While you’re at it, play the Star Wars theme music.

46. Keep buying him pink things and say something like, “Isn’t it just adorable! When I saw this hair bow, I just knew you would love it!”

47. Bake him cookies, but instead of chocolate chips, use laxatives.

48. Keep talking to him as if he’s three.

49. When he turns nineteen, switch his candles around so it reads ninety-one.

50. Whenever the two of you are in public, point to his scar and say loudly, “Yeah, Murtagh got that when he was dancing the ballet and fell on his own sword.”

51. Whenever he tries to attack you (which he WILL), call the guards on him and say, “SWIRLY TIME!!!” See how he reacts to this.   

 

Disclaimer: Murtagh WAS harmed during the production of this fanfic.

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