Chapter 1 - part 1.

INTRO:





The world is changed.

People have become insane.

They have lost their minds.

They have lost their brains.

Smartness is lost. But none now live who remember it going.



*music begins to play*



THE DUMB LORD OF THE DUMB RING

THE STUPIDITY OF THE RING







The Shire…30 years later after Sour-man stole all their brains.



Frodo to Gandalf: You're stupid!



Gandalf: A wizard is never stupid, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he smart. He is both, precisely when he means to be.



 Frodo: Its wonderful to actually be smart enough to know who you are Gandalf! And to see you!



Gandalf: Ooh! You didn't think I'd miss your Uncle Bilbo's party now did you?



 Frodo: Well … Hey, what news of the outside world? Tell me everything.



 Gandalf: Everything? hm…



Hobbit children: Look it's Gandyalf! It's Gandyalf!



 Gandalf: Oh! The long expected children! So how is the old rascal Bilbo? I hear it's going to be a magic show of special magnificence.



Frodo: You know Dummy Bilbo, he's got the whole place in an uproar.



Gandalf: Hmmm, well now that should please him.



 Frodo: Half the Shire's children have been invited.



Gandalf: Good gracious me!



Frodo: Before you came along we Bagginses were very well thought of.



Gandalf: Indeed?



 Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.



Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with the pit-bull, I was barely involved. All I did was give your uncle a little nudge out of the door into its furry huge snout.



Frodo: Whatever you did, you've been officially labeled a disturber of the pit-bull's nasty bite to hobbit butt and old grey guy with pointy hat, a very mean old man who smokes a pipe which causes pollution through all of hobbiton; a very mean old, stupid man.



Gandalf: Oh really?



Hobbit children: Gandyalf! Gandyalf!



Gandalf: Hobbit Children AGAIN???!



Hobbit children: Ice-cream Gandalf?! Ice cream???! Awwwww…



Gandalf: Bwahahahaha! Free ice cream for all!

*But all the little hobbit children had fearfully run away already due to Gandalf's horroring laugh. *



Frodo: Gandalf, I'm glad you're partly smart.



Gandalf: So am I, dear boy. So am I.



 Later…



*Gandalf knocks on Bilbo's door*



Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want any more encyclopedias!



 Gandalf: But…I'm not selling encyclopedias….I-I I'm selling Dictionaries…



Bilbo: Oh! Well that's ok!



(Door opens and Bilbo stares at Gandalf in disbelief)



Bilbo: Gandalf?



Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!



Bilbo: My dear Gandalf! I didn't know you became a door marketer!



(They give each other a big hug…awwww)



Gandalf: yes, and it's good to see you too! One hundred and eleventy years old --who would believe it? You haven't aged a day.



(Bilbo runs inside, holding the door open for Gandalf)



Bilbo: Come on, come in! Welcome, welcome!



(He takes Gandalf's hat and staff)



Bilbo: Tehe…they're kinda ugly. Tea? Or maybe something a little stronger? I've got a few bottles of the Old Winyard left. 1296 --very dumb year. Almost as dumb as I am! Hahaha! It was laid down by my father, yes. What say we open one, eh?



Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.



Bilbo: I was expecting you here last week! Not that it matters; you come and go as you please. Always have done and always will. I just needed help with something, I mean, I could have done this something if I hadn't lost my mind 5 years ago, but I just couldn't do it so I needed your help thinking that you were still smart, but you weren't. You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We have some cold chicken and pickles... Here's some cheese here- oh no it won't do. There we got raspberry jam and apple tart... Not much for afterlunch - oh no! Oh We're all right. I have some cake. I can make you some eggs if you like-



Gandalf: Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah…



Bilbo: Gandalf?



Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.



 Bilbo: Ah right. You don't mind if I eat, do you?



Gandalf: No, not at all.



(A sharp knock on the door and a woman's voice is heard)



"Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins!"



Bilbo: *choking* I'm not at home!



(He walks into the kitchen, looking out the little round window)

Bilbo: That darn teacher has been around this house all week trying to get Frodo's homework. He hasn't been able to do it; being so absent-minded and all, either have the other hobbit children. She's a nagging old grunt who has lost her mind! And I think literally.



Gandalf: So, you mean to leave to Rivendell then?



 Bilbo: Yes, yes. I've always wanted to go there you know; so much fun! 



Gandalf: Frodo suspects something.



 Bilbo: `Course he does. He's a Baggins! Not some block-headed Bracegirdle from Hard-bottle.



Gandalf: You're right, he is a Baggins and not a Bracegirdle from hard-bottle, but he is a blockhead.



Bilbo: Yes, yes.



Gandalf: My, my, you are a mean uncle.



Bilbo: I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him though. I think in his heart Frodo is still in love with the Shire: the woods, the fields…little rivers. But me, I'm one who enjoys being in the land of Elvis. I'm stupid Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I-I-



 Gandalf: Well…….oh, and it's elves by the way.



 At the magic show…



Bilbo: Gandalf, my old, dumb friend. This will be a night to remember as the night we blew out little holes and ship things that went through little holes of smoke.



Later…



Bilbo: Hello, hello, welcome one and all to Bilbo's magic party!



Frodo: Go on Sam! Ask Rosie for a dance.



Sam: No.



Frodo: Oh no you don't. Go on. *push*



(Bilbo is sitting in front of a group of hobbit children, doing magic tricks.)



Bilbo: So here we are! The Cave Troll is back! I bet you thought he was gone now didn't you?



Hobbit Children *with terrorized faces*: AAAGGGHHH!!!!!!



(Gandalf is dancing together with the hobbits)



(Gandalf gets some more ice cream cones from his carriage. Merry and Pippin come forth from behind a tent. They stop beside the carriage)



 Merry: Quickly Pip! Grab some ice cream!

 (Pippin shows a strawberry ice cream cone to Merry)



Merry: No, no the big one, big one, you know, the double fudge mocha chocolate one…. With sprinkles!



Pippin: Got it!

Merry: You're supposed to share it!



Pippin: I am sharing it!



Merry: Not with that dog, with me!



 Pippin: It was your idea!



(Pippin throws ice cream at merry, ice cream goes everywhere)



Hobbits: Look at that!



Random Hobbit: I must be dreaming! Ice cream falling from the sky!



 Frodo: Bilbo, look out for the huge mocha chocolate ice cream….with sprinkles!



Bilbo: Nonsense! There hasn't been a huge mocha chocolate ice cream…with sprinkles in these parts for a thousand years…(Frodo pulls Bilbo to the ground, the ice cream goes all over them, Merry and Pippin are stunned)



Merry: That was good!



Pippin: Let's get another one!

(Gandalf grabs them each by their ear)



Merry and Pippin: Aah!



Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. I might've known.



Later…



Gandalf: Cheer up boys, doing dishes is fun!



Meanwhile…



 Hobbits: Speech, Bilbo! Speech!



Frodo: Speech!



Bilbo: *thinking: shut up Frodo, shut up…I don't want to give a darn speech…



Frodo: SPEECH!



Bilbo: *thinking: yup, loud enough for all of Middle earth to hear.



(Bilbo shakes him off and gives a speech anyway)



 Bilbo: Hello stupid idiots! Today is my 111th birthday!



Hobbits: Happy birthday!



Hobbit: Happy birthday!



Frodo: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!



Bilbo: Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such dumb and geeky hobbits. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.



Hobbit: Yeah, whatever dude.



 Bilbo: I, uh, I h-have things to do. *Whispers to himself*: I've put this off for far too long. (To the crowd) I regret to announce this is goodbye. I am going to - to- um…Rivendell. Goodbye.

(He puts on dumb ring and disappears)



All Hobbits: Ohh!



Other Hobbit: Wow! What a brave old hobbit, actually admitting that he's going to the Land of Elvis.



Later at bilbo's house…



Bilbo: bwahahahahaha!



Gandalf: I suppose you think that was terribly clever.



Bilbo: Come on Gandalf! Didn`t you see their faces?



Gandalf: There are many magic tricks in middle earth, and you shouldn't use that dumb ring to make you disappear.



Bilbo: It was just a bit of fun! Oh you're probably right, as usual. You will keep an eye on Frodo, while I'm gone, won't you?



(Bilbo packs muffins for the journey…tehe)



Gandalf: Two eyes, as often as I can spare them.



Bilbo: No, you only have one remember? The other one's fake, it got popped out in the troll fight---



Gandalf: Ssh! Don't tell them that! *looks innocently at camera* *clears throat* Anyway… what about this Ring of yours, is that staying too?



Bilbo: Yes, yes. It's in an envelope over there on the mantelpiece…. .. ….no, wait, it's… here in my pocket. Heh, I'm so absent-minded that I've forgotten where I put it.



Gandalf: I think you should leave the Ring behind, Bilbo. Is that so hard?



Bilbo: Well no… And yes! Now it comes to it, I want to keep it! I NEED it!



Gandalf: There's no need to get angry.



Bilbo: Well if I'm angry, it's your fault! It's mine! My own, my dumbness…



Gandalf: Dumbness? Its been called that before, but not by you.



Bilbo: Argh! What business is it of yours what I do with my own jewelry!



Gandalf: I think you've had that Ring quite long enough.



Bilbo: You want it for yourself! You want to be pretty!



 Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins! Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap jewelry. I am not trying to rob you. I'm trying to help you.



(Bilbo runs into Gandalf's arms, weeping)



Gandalf: All your long years we've been friends. Trust me as you once did, hmm? Let the stupid thing go.



Bilbo: You're right Gandalf, the dumb-Ring must go to Frodo. It's late, the road is long. Yes it is time to go to Rivendell.



(He walks towards the door, opens it and starts to walk out)



Gandalf: Bilbo…



(Bilbo stops, looking at Gandalf)



Bilbo: Hmm?



Gandalf: …the Ring is still in your pocket.



Bilbo: Oh, yes. Here!



Gandalf: Thanks.



Bilbo: Good-bye, Gandalf.



Gandalf: Good-bye, dear Bilbo. …Until our next meeting.







About three minutes later…



(The door is flung open and Frodo arrives)



Frodo: Bilbo! Bilbo!



(Frodo picks up the ring that Bilbo so inconsiderately left on the floor.)



Frodo: He's gone hasn't he? And he left his stuff littering the floor…you know, I always tell him, clean up after yourself! But nooooo….



Gandalf: Anyway, he went to rivendell. Bilbo was always a big fan of elvis.



Frodo: Gandalf?



Gandalf: What? Stop asking me stupid questions! He's left you Bag End!



(He gets out an envelope, holding it up to Frodo who puts the Ring in it. He seals it and gives the envelope to Frodo)



Frodo: What? Do you want me to mail it?



Gandalf: No. It's yours you block head!



Frodo: Ok. Cool.



Gandalf: I'm going to go now; there is no good food here. My friend Sour-man has some really good food. I'm gonna go over to his place see ya later little fellow. *rubs frodo's head and messes up his hair*…*giggle…*



Frodo: But you've only just arrived! I don't understand.



Gandalf: Neither do I. Keep it stupid. Keep yourself stupid.



Frodo: Well, I don't understand that either.



*backround noise*



Gollum: Shire!!! Baggins!!!



Frodo: AGH! What was that??? It sounded like a choking squirrel!

 

(screen picture changes to Black caped dudes coming out of big huge doors in search for Frodo)



Black caped dude to stupid hobbit man (and dog): Shire. Baggins.



Hobbit: What are ya? Stupid? There are no Baggins `round here. They're up in Hobbiton, that way, you dork.



(Of course you know that the Black caped dude chopped the hobbit's head off. That is why, children, we never talk back to people much bigger then us!)



Meanwhile…after party…


Rosie: Goodnight stupid.



Sam: Goodnight stupid.



(Outside Bag End)



Sam: Goodnight stupid.



Frodo: Goodnight Stupid.



(Later…)



Frodo: Huh?! What happened to my house???



Gandalf: Is it stupid?! Are you stupid?!



Frodo: Um…



Gandalf: AH! Is it safe! You idiot! I am in a very bad mood! Sour-man had no food!



(Frodo opens a chest and searches through it)



Frodo: Ah! Here it is!



(He hands the envelope to Gandalf who throws it into a food processor)



Frodo: What are you doing? You'll Purée it!

Gandalf: Hold out your hand Frodo, it's quite cool.



Frodo: Well of course it's cool! You didn't put it in a fire!



Gandalf: Markings? Do you see any markings?



Frodo: Nothing. There's nothing...(Gandalf takes a sigh.) Wait. There are markings. It's some form of elvish. I can't read it.



Gandalf: In the common tongue it says, “You're stupid and I am not, you're an idiot and now you're caught, I'm coming to get you, so beware of the black caped dude.” This is the Dumb Ring. Sour-man made it, he makes cheap jewelry.



Frodo: Bilbo found it. In Gollum's cave.



Gandalf: *gasp* How did you know that???!!!



Frodo: A little bird told me.



Gandalf: Oh, I see.



Ring: (whispers) Isildur…



(both Gandalf and Frodo stares at the Ring)



Frodo: Well that's just stupid! A ring can't talk!



Gandalf: No, no it can't…………………..*big weird silence period*……………………….Anyway, the ring yearns to get back to its master, sour-man. He wants to go home he hates being around all us dummies.



[Frodo jumps up and grabs the Ring.]



Frodo: Alright, we put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they? Do they, Gandalf?



Gandalf: There is one other who knew that Bilbo had the Ring. I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. But the enemy found him first. They tortured him forever. They discerned two words, … well five but the other three aren't really necessary:



*flash back*



Gollum: SHIRE!!! AAH!!! BAGGINS!!!AAH!! I HATE CHEESE!!! AAH!!!



Frodo: Ah-ha! There it is again! It is a choking squirrel!



Frodo: Wait a minute…Shire. Baggins. But that would lead them here!



Gandalf: Yay, he finally got it.



(Scene goes to a road in the Shire, and a black caped dude rides towards a Hobbit)



Hobbit: Who goes there?



Black caped dude: Your worst nightmare. *chops head off*



Frodo: Take it Gandalf! Take it! I just saw an awful nightmare vision that I will never be able to get out of my head! TAKE IT!!!



Gandalf: No Frodo no!



Frodo: You must take it!

Gandalf: You cannot offer me this Ring!



Frodo: I'm giving it to you!



Gandalf: Aww…really? Well, I never get presents…ok- Hey! No!

Frodo, keep it! I don't care what you do with it! Give to the Thrift Shop or something! I just CANNOT STAND CHEAP JEWLERY!



Frodo: But it cannot stay in the Shire!



Gandalf: No, no it can't. The Thrift Shop is in Mirkwood.



Frodo: NO! What must I do?



(Frodo is rushing around, packing for the journey)



Gandalf: You must leave and leave quickly.



Frodo: Where? Where do I go?



Gandalf: Get out of the Shire. Make for the village of Bree.



(Frodo packs muffins for the journey … hehe, runs in the family.)



Frodo: Bree. What about you?



Gandalf: I'll be waiting for you, at the Inn of the Prancing Pony. They have good food.



Frodo: And the Ring will be safe there?



Gandalf: I don't know Frodo. I don't have any answers. I'm stupid. You'll have to leave the name of Baggins behind you though, for that name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day. And stay off the grass, Mrs. Proud-foot doesn't like it stomped all over.



Frodo: I thought you didn't have any answers?

Gandalf: My dear Frodo… ( Gandalf starts his emotional speech then hears a sound from outside) Get down! Because of your loud mouth the black caped dudes are here! Or as I like to call them, ring-wraiths.



(Frodo drops down, and Gandalf walks over to the window, then grabs Sam, who has been hiding in the bushes, and throws him onto the table)



Sam: Oooff!!



Gandalf: Confound it all Samwise Gamgee! Have you been dumb dropping?!



Sam: I haven't been droppin' no dumbs sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you follow me.



Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge don't you think?



Sam: I heard raised voices.



Gandalf: Well, that was Frodo…now, did you hear any words?



Sam: N-n-n-nothing important. That is I heard a good deal about a Ring and a Mordor and something about the end of the world's sense of intelligence but… Please, Mister Gandalf sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anything…. unnatural. Like food coloring.



Gandalf: No, perhaps not. I have thought of a better use for you…



(next morning, at sunrise)



Gandalf: Come along Samwise, keep up! Be careful both of you. Never put the ring on ok?



Frodo: K.

(Gandalf rides off. The Hobbits walk through forests, over hills, through deer poop, and in a field far off from Hobbiton, Sam stops.)



Sam: This is it.



Frodo: This is what?



Sam: I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.



Frodo: Come on Sam. Remember what Bilbo used to say: “It's a dangerous business… (voice over of Bilbo)…Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't look at where your walking you might plunge into a big cold puddle from last nights rain storm and that wouldn't be good cus then you'd get a cold.”



Meanwhile…



Sour-man: Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not?( I'm psychic, so psychic) my old friend.



Gandalf: I am not old.



Sour-man: You are sure of this?



Gandalf: Positive! I am defiantly not old.



Sour-man: No not that! I mean The Ring of Power has been found?



Gandalf: Yes, all these long years it was in the Shire, under my very nose.



Sour-man: Yet you did not have the wit to see it. Your unormously long nose has clearly kept you from seeing anything.



Gandalf: Geek.



Sour-man: Time?! What time do you think we have?



Gandalf: I didn't say anything about time, you need hearing aids you dork.



Sour-man: The nine have been sent out by Sauron. They are disguised as riders in black. They have already reached their destination.



Gandalf: They've reached the Shire?!



Sour-man: They will find the Ring… and kill the one who carries it! Tehehe…



Gandalf: Frodo!



Sour-man: Yes, Frodo, he's cute. But soon he will die. Did I tell you who I really am?



Gandalf: Oh no! I knew it! You're superman!



Sour-man: No I'm not Superman! I am now SourMAN!!!



Gandalf: Idiot. There's no difference.



Sour-man: That is IT! You have stretched my wrath too far! You are MEAN!!! So feel pain. *bonks Gandalf over the head with a stick*



Meanwhile…



Sam: Mr. Frodo? Frodo! Frodo!

(Frodo emerges from around a bend)

Sam: Don't do that!!!!! You almost made me jump out of my skin! And that wouldn't be very pleasant!!!



Frodo: Yo, dude, don't get so angry…



Sam: So what if I'm angry! It's your fault!!! *sigh…It's just something Gandalf said.



Frodo: He said that!? What a jerk!



Sam: No, he didn't sa- Hey! Are you saying that I'm a jerk!!!????



Frodo: No. What I meant was---(*OOF* Pippin and Merry then fall onto Frodo and Sam)



Pippin: “Frodo! Merry, it's Frodo Baggins!”



Merry: I know Pip. I'm not blind.



Sam: “Get off him! You mess him up is what you do, you mess him up!”



Frodo: “What's the meaning of this? You mess me up is what you do! You mess me up!”



Merry: “Hold these.” [Gives some hot dogs to Sam]



Sam: *gasp* “You've been into deli man Maggot's hotdogs!”



Deli Maggot: “Hey! You get back here!! And you forgot the ketchup!”



*RUN…*



Merry: “I don't know why he's so upset. It's only a couple of hotdogs.”



Pippin: “And some fries. And then those empty bags of potato chips we left in last week. And then, the buns, the week before!”



Merry: “Yes, Pippin, my point is, he's clearly very stupid! Run!”



[They run, but come to the edge of a steep slope, and fall off it and roll down...]



Pippin: “Oooh. That was close. We almost landed in the poopy.”



Merry: “Ahhh. Ohhh. I think I've broken something. Oh, potato chip.”



Sam: “Trust a Brandybuck and a Took.”



Merry: “What? It was just a detour. A shortcut.”



Sam: “A shortcut to what?”



Pippin: “Mustard!!”



Frodo: “I think we should get off the grass.”



[There is a Ringraith coming towards them, on the road.]



Sam: “Get off the grass! Quick!!! You smash it is what you does! You smash it!”



Frodo: Oh. And there is a black caped dude coming toward us. HIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



[The hobbits hide under the roots of a tree. A black rider comes towards their hiding place. It sniffs, I guess someone really did step into the poopy… Frodo is tempted to put on the ring and goes into a trance, but Sam stops him. Merry throws the bag of potato chips off into the distance, and the rider follows the sound…(everybody loves potato chips ya know!) … The hobbits leave their hiding place

and start running.]



*THUMP)))



Merry: “What was that?”



Sam: It was Frodo I tell you, it was Frodo!



Frodo: Um…too many hotdogs…?



Merry: No, what was that black caped thing?!



Frodo: It was a black caped dude. Or as Gandalf likes to call it, a ringraith.



Pippin: “Get down!”



Merry: Yeah! We're gettin' down in the house YAY! Yo! Yo! Yo!



Frodo: “No time for dancing guys, Sam and I must get to Bree.”



Merry: “Right. Follow me.”



[They start running, a black rider jumps out of a bush and chases them. ]



Merry: “Run! Frodo, this way! Follow me!”



[The hobbits run, and come to a river. Sam, Merry and Pippin get to the ferry, but Frodo is still being chased by a black rider…figures. :P… ]



Merry: “Get on the boat!”



Sam: “Frodo!”



The Hobbits: “Run Frodo! No! Hurry! Come on! Run Frodo! No, not that way!!!”

Frodo: SHUT UP! I'm in a very stressful position!!!



[ Frodo runs, and manages to jump onto the boat. The rider stops at the riverbank, and turns around. ]



Frodo: “How far to the nearest crossings?”



Merry: “Twenty miles.



Frodo: Yikes! And I like, totally need a new shirt!”



Merry: Well, we can always get it at the Gap of Rohan. Right Pip?



Pippin: Oh, yes Frodo. Merry and I got these really nice 100% cotton shirts from there. A little expensive, but they'll do ya aight!



Frodo: Well, alright how far to the nearest Gap?



Later…



[The hobbits are at the gate that leads to Bree.]



Frodo: “Come on slowpokes.”



[knocks on gate, gatekeeper answers]



Gatekeeper: “What do you want?!”



Frodo: “WOAH! You startled me dude, don't do that!”



Gatekeeper: “Oh, I'm sorry about that. Hobbits. Four hobbits! What business brings you to Bree?”



Frodo: “Hey! That is definitely none of your beeswax!”



Gatekeeper: “Alright, young sir, I meant no offence. It's my job to ask questions after nightfall. There's talk of stupid folk abroad.”

Sam: Phf! Where's HE been all these 30 years?



[The hobbits head for the inn of the Prancing Pony]



Frodo: [walks up to the counter] “Hello??????????? SERVICE!!!!!!!”



Innkeeper Butter-bread: “Good evening, little masters. If you're seeking accommodation, we've got some nice cozy, hobbit sized rooms available--”



Frodo: “Just Shut-up and ask us our names.”



Innkeeper Butterbur: “Oh. Um…your name sir?”



Frodo: Under pants, Frodo Under pants. Hear that guys? I've been trying all day to figure out a name. Am I good or what? *gives cocky look*



Merry: Yeah, whatever dude. *rolls eyes*



Frodo: “We're friends of Gandalf the Grey. Can you tell him we've arrived?”



Innkeeper Butterbread: “Gandalf? Gandalf?... Oh.... yes! I stupid. Elderly chap. Big, BIG, BBIIGG grey beard, and pointy hat?” Not seen him for 6 months.”



Sam: *gasp* “What do we do now?”



Pippin: WE EAT!!!



[The hobbits are sitting at a table]



Frodo: “Sam, he'll be here. He'll come.



[Merry comes to the table with a large mug]



Pippin: “What's that?”

Merry: “This, my friend, is a rootbeer.”



Pippin: “Wow.“



[Sam turns to Frodo]



Sam: “That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived.”



Frodo: *freaks out* do I have something in my teeth?!



Sam: *slaps Frodo* snap out of it dude!



Innkeeper Butterbur: “He's one of them high school gym coaches. Dangerous folk, they are, making teens work their feet off. His right name is Strider, but around here, They call him…Bob.



*Dramatic moment music* *Dum, dum, dum, dum, DUM!!!



Frodo: “excuse me? Did I ASK you to tell me who he was???!!! Did I?



Innkeeper: n-n-no…*shakes head and pouts*



Frodo: No. I didn't. Now go on back to your work.

Innkeeper walks away looking at his shoes.



Frodo: I MEAN THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE! ALWAYS PRYING INTO YOUR OWN STINKIN' BUISINESS! HEY WHERE IS OUR FOOD? DON'T THEY HAVE GOOD SERVICE AROUND HERE???!!!



Sam: Sshh! Mr. Frodo! You speak so loud!



[the black caped dudes can hear Frodo's loud mouth and hurry toward Bree.]



Voice of Sauron: “You cannot whisper. I hear you.”

*someone grabs Frodo from behind, covering his mouth of course*



Strider: “You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. `Underpants'.”



Frodo: “What do you want?”



Strider: “A little less mouth from you, and…that is no trinket you carry.”



Frodo: “I carry nothing.”



Strider: “You carry extremely cheap jewelry.”



Frodo: well…maybe.



[Strider Puts out the candles and reveals his face]



Strider: Scary, isn't it?



Frodo: “Yes. Your face is freaking me out!”



Strider: “Not the face! The candle trick, you know, how I put my fingers on the candle flame and it goes out…and then how I fling back my hood to show my sweaty hair.”



Frodo: Oh, no, not at all. I can do the candle trick. You just wet your fingers with your spit and the flame won't affect them. Oh, and PLEASE put your hood back on to cover your horrifying face!!! AGH! More scary visions!!!!”



Strider: STOP!!! Mocking the face…



[Merry, Pippin, and Sam rush in. Sam has his fists held forward.]



Sam: “Let him go, or we'll have you, long shanks!”

Strider: “Longsha- wha? Oh, whatever. You're a stupid fat hobbit, and I am psychic. Nothing can save you now! Bwahahahaha.



[The Black riders enter Bree. They enter the hobbit rooms and thrust their swords in to each bed several times. The take the blankets out and see that the beds were empty. Surprise, surprise…]



[The scene switches back to Strider, who is sitting by the window with the hobbits, who have awoken by the screams of The ring-wraiths. Actually, it was the scream of Frodo .]



Frodo: “AAGGHH!!!!! I just had the most horrifying vision, black caped dudes stabbed us in our tummies 5 times…Oooooo. AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Sam: O shut-UP!



Frodo: Noooo! Choking squirrels! Choking squirrels!!!



Strider, Merry, Pippin, and Sam at same time: It's the ring…“



[The next day, in the woods, walking with strider…]



Pippin: “Why does he keep telling the same elf story?”



Frodo: “He's lonely.”



Merry: “How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf?”



Frodo: “He's filthy and greyish, isn't he?”



Merry: “You've got a point”



Strider: “We are off to Rivendell young lads!”



Sam: “Did you hear that? We're off to see Elvis!”



Merry: Not Elvis you dork! The elves!



Strider: “Gentlemen, are you hungry?.”



Pippin: yes



Merry: yes.



Sam: Yes.



Frodo: YES.



Strider: Well, to bad. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaha.



[Meanwhile, In Isengard, Sour-man is bowling. ^_^]



Sour-man: “The power of the pins is at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Earth. With my trusty bowling ball, Palintar, I will never loose!”



Voice of Sauron: “Score me some points so that I might be the champion.”



Orc: “What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the Eye command?”



Sour-man: “Score points.”



[Gandalf after having extreme pain is at the top of a big 10-story office building. Down below, he watches orcs play tennis.]



Orc: “The points are won my lord, we are real good.”



Sour-man: “excellent.”







[Strider and the hobbits are now at Weathertop.]



Strider: “Harsh weather here on weather top. Here little men, have gym socks.”



Pippin: “Can I have the red ones?”



Merry: “Ok. Want the green striped socks, Sam?”



Frodo: “What are you doing?!”



Merry: “passing out gym socks.”



Sam: “We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.”



Frodo: “Put them away, you fools! Put them away!!!”



[The cry of the ringwraiths is heard closeby. The hobbits draw their gym socks, and see none other than………*music: Dum, dum, DUM!* Farmer Maggot???!!!!!]



Maggot: SOOooooo, you thought you could escape with my hotdogs, and without ketchup???!!!!!



Pippin: Um, yes…?



Maggot: HA! Then here! Have some ketchup! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!



*farmer maggot aims for Pippin*



*Frodo, in slow motion flies through the air blocking Pippin*



Frodo: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!!!



*Farmer Maggot squirts the ketchup, which gets all over Frodo*



Frodo: AGH!!! My new shirtttttt!!!!!!!!!!! Noooooo!!!!!



Farmer Maggot: DIE!!!!!!!



Sam: “Frodo!”



Frodo: “Bob…er, um, strider, I've been hit with ketchup. I don't do well with ketchup”



Strider: “I'm psychic. I know.



[From this Frodo has gotten food poisoning.]



strider: “He needs Elvis medicine.



Sam: HA! Then it is the home of Elvis!



strider: Oh. I'm sorry, did I say Elvis, I really meant ELVISH.



Sam: AGH!!!



strider: “Hurry! If we make it in time we can catch the free donuts!”



Sam: “We're six days from Riven-dell! We'll never make it!”



strider: Nonsense! They'll have plenty of leftovers! Hold on Frodo! We'll soon get very extremely healthy donuts in your frail body!”



Frodo: “Oh dear Gandalf!!! Save me from these people!!!!!!!!!!!!!”



[A fly flies up to the telephone pole, where Gandalf is held prisoner. He smashes the fly in his hand.]



(Yeah, gross…like we really needed to know that.)



[strider and the hobbits are making a rest stop (and eating sandwiches).]



strider: “Sam, do you know the Altheas plant?



Sam: “Altheas?”



Aragorn: ”Kings-foil.”



Sam: “Kings-foil, ah, the weed! Eewww! Is that in my sandwich?!



strider: “It may help to slow the poison. Could you go look for some? Out there… *points*. Farrr away?…



[Later Strider puts on static guard(stupid static cling!)]



coming out of nowhere stranger elf lady: “What's this? A gym coach, caught with his guard?”



Merry: “Who is she?”



Arwen: “Frodo.”



Merry: “Your Frodo???!.”



Arwen: “No! I was talking to Frodo. Mind your own business, would ya?!



[Strider puts some of the weed into Frodo's wound.]



Arwen: “He's not going to last with that. Pippin cooked it in Beef grease.



Frodo: AAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!



Arwen: “So I told you.



strider: How do you know this?



Arwen: I'm psychic.



strider: * eyes grow wide* Dude…



[strider puts Frodo on the horse.]



strider: “Dartho guin Beriain. Rych le ad tolthathon.”



Interpreter:[“Stay with the Hobbits, you are stupid like them. I will send horses for you. I am more smart and more psychic.”]



Arwen: “Hon marathon. Rochon ellint im.”

Interpreter:[“I'm the one who can go over the speed limit better. I'll take him.”]



Strider: ”Andelu i ven.”

Interpreter:[”The road is full of cops.]



Pippin: “What are they saying?”



Merry: Geek talk.



Arwen: “fÎr. Ae athradon i hir, tur gwaith nÎn beriatha hon.”

Interperator:[“If i can get across the river, the power of my psychosity will protect him. I do not fear jail.”]



Strider: “Be iest lÎn.”

(err…I will not interpret what he just said.)



Strider: "Ride hard. Don't look back!”



Arwen: “Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!”

(um…I will not interpret what she just said)



[Arwen rides off with Frodo]



Sam: “What are you doing???!!!……… Frodo's riding with a full stomach!!!”



Meanwhile…



[Arwen is chased by eight cops and eight black caped dudes and one reaches out for Frodo.]



[Arwen slaps his hand. Arwen reaches the river and crosses it. Riders stop on the other side]



black caped dude: “Give up the half-ling, she-elf!”



Arwen: I would rather work at McDonalds!”



Rider #1: *gasp*

Rider #2: *gasp*

Rider #3: *gasp*

Rider #4: *gasp*

Rider #5: *gasp*

Rider #6: *gasp*

Rider #7: *gasp*

Rider #8: OFFENSE TO FRENCH FRIES!!!!!!!!! CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!



[Riders start to cross river]



Arwen: STOP! Stop I said! SSTTTTOOOPP! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!!!



[Big wave comes out of nowhere, washes away blacked caped dudes. Frodo starts to slip off Arwen's horse.]



Arwen: “No! No! Frodo! Don't slip off the horse, not now!"



[Frodo falls into the water.]



Arwen: “What grace is given me, let it pass to him. Let him be spared. Save him.”



Elrond: “Lasto beth nÎn. Tolo dan nan galad.”

[Interpreter: “Hear my creepy voice, get out of the water.”]



Frodo: AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! NIGHTMARE!!! CREEPY MAN!!!! THOSE EYES! OH, THOSE HORRIBLE YELLOW EYES!!!!!!!!!



Elrond: Oh dear! He knows who I am! Wait a second…yellow eyes?



[Frodo wakes up in the House of Elrond.]



Frodo: “Where am I?”



Gandalf: “You are in the house of Elrond, and it is 10 o'clock in the morning, on October the 24th if you want to know.”



Frodo: “No. I don't want to know.



Gandalf: “Well now my dear hobbit. Aren't you surprised to see me?



Frodo: No.



*sam merry and pippin walk in*



Frodo: “Sam!!!!!! Merry!!!!!! Pippin!!!!!!”



Gandalf: “Hmm, maybe I'm not hip enough.”



Sam: You're all better!



Gandalf: “By the skills of Lord Elrond, Frodo's beginning to mend.”



Elrond: “Welcome to Riven-dell, Frodo Baggins. I'm Elrond.”



Sam: ELVIS???!!!



Elrond: No, I'm not Elvis. I'm Elrond.



Elrond: Well now Frodo, I gave you some medication pills. Be careful though, the side effects are: Cause of stroke or lung breakage, tummy explosion, cancer, loss of hearing, loss of eye site or heart attack. And the mushroom cloud effect in your brain. Oh, and do not take these if you may be pregnant. But I'm absolutely positive they will help calm the tiny headache you may be experiencing right now.



Pippin: Look! It's Bilbo!



Frodo: BILBO!!!



Bilbo: “Hello, Frodo, my lad!”



Frodo: “Bilbo!” [picks up books bilbo has been writing. Reads:] “There and back again, a hobbit's tale, by Bilbo Baggins. This is wonderful.”



Bilbo: Yes! You know how to read!



Frodo: “I miss the Shire. I spent all my childhood pretending I was off somewhere else, off with you on one of your adventures.

But my own adventure turned out to be quite different. It was way better. I'm not like you, Bilbo.”



Bilbo: “No. you're not.“



Later on, Elrond shows the Hobbits around Riven-dell…



Elrond: And this is our Riven-deli, there's the riven-DELL

computer shop, the riven-dell river dancing school, the riven-deli…



Later…



[Sam is packing to go home.]



Frodo: “Thought you wanted to see the elves Sam.”

Sam: “Nope. I wanted to see Elvis.”



Meanwhile…



Elrond: “His strength returns.”



Gandalf: “Yes, the food poisoning is gone.



Elrond: Keep going on your journey now, I am selfish and want the cheap jewelry no more.



Gandalf: Well fine!



Meanwhile…



[Men, elves and dwarves arrive; Boromir of Gondor, Legolas of Mirkwood and Gimli son of Gróin ]



[At the following night Boromir is looking at a painting on the wall. Strider is reading near by.]



Boromir: “Hmm, you think I should buy it for my wife? It's a nice painting.



[Sees Strider watching him.]



Boromir: But no more than a worthless heirloom.”



*touches it, then…*



Boromir: Oops! Heh-heh, Dropped it…



Strider *reading a book at a table*: Billy the badger went up the hill and-



Boromir: Dude…you ok…?



Meanwhile…In the garden…



Arwen: I love you strider, I've always loved you.



strider: As have I.



Arwen: Do you remember when we first met?



Strider: Umm…Er….





Later…



[lots of people gather on elrond's back porch. Such people as Legolas, Gimli, boromir, strider, frodo, gandalf…yup. Oh, and elrond.]



[Everyone sits down…]



*fart noise*



Figwit: ok, who put the woopie cusion on my chair??!



Elrond: “*cough*..ok, we will begin then. Strangers from stupid lands, friends of old…-



Gandalf: who you calling old?



Elrond: (ignoring him) You have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of insanity. None can escape it. You will unite! Or you will fall down!

Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.”



Frodo: No.



Elrond: what?



Frodo: noooo…don't you understand that word???



Elrond: Bring forth the ring Frodo!!



Frodo: NOOO!!



[Elrond gets up from his chair and snatches the ring away from Frodo and places it on his grill.]



Elrond: there!



Frodo: freak.





Boromir: “So it is true.”



Frodo: yup. Elrond's a freak.



Boromir: "No, I mean In a dream I saw the eastern sky grow dark. But in the West a pale light lingered. And I was eating spinach and a voice was crying: Help mee! Help meee!! Oh wait, wrong dream…but anyway…um, heh, …this ring! It is true! It really lives! .'"



Elrond: "um, yeah. Duh…



Gandalf: "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"



Legolas: Bless you!



Frodo: ew. ok, can someone get Gandalf a tissue?. . .



Elrond: "Never before has anyone dared to bring cheap jewelry to my house. But, here, here it is…



Gandalf: "I do not believe this is just any piece of cheap jewelry…I believe it is superman's cheap jewelry!"



Elrond: what? You mean…sour-man??!



Gandalf: "yeah, him."



Boromir: “It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this jewelry? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor wanted a ring for his birthday. by the blood of our people

are all your jewelry stores kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against this man you call superman!”



Aragorn: “You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to pepperoni pizza alone. It has no other master.”



Boromir: “And what would a gym coach know of this matter?”



Strider: I know this because I myself am controlled by a dominoes pepperoni pizza. You know,.. they deliver now!



Boromir: really….!?!



Legolas: “This is no mere Ranger Boromir! He is Strider, the gym coach. You owe him your leftover pizza.”



Boromir: “You mean this is Bob? Isildur's heir?”



Strider: no, I mean…come one guys the sweaty hair comments are getting kinda old!



Boromir…?….ok then…



Legolas: “An heir to the throne of Gondor.”



Aragorn: “Havo dad, Legolas.”

[“Interpretor: stop with the hair jokes and sit your boney rump down. Or I will have to get a cream pie and do something very drastic with it…legolas.”]



Boromir: “Gondor has no pizza. Gondor needs no pizza.”



Gandalf: “Strider is right. We cannot use it to buy things from david's bridal.”



Strider: Ummmm…I don't remember saying that… …



Elrond: “Ok, so, You have only one choice. The Ring must be cooked in the fire.”



Gimli: *spitting* “What are we waiting for?! Let's just kill it!”





[He lights a match and puts it to the charcoal on Elrond's grill with the ring on the grill. But Gimli's spit puts it out and he gives up and goes back to his chair.]



Elrond: “The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gróin, by any match that we here posses. The Ring was made in

the oven of Mount Doom. Only there can it be burned. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the

firey oven. The oven must be set to 450 degrees. One of you must do this.”



Boromir: “One does not simply walk into Mordor. You need to take the bus. It's Black Gates are guarded by more than just icky Orcs. There are lots of clowns too. And the Eye has a bad case of red-eye and watches everyone who walks in and- blah blah blah… *continued*continued*continued*…



Legolas: “Have you heard nothing that Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!”



Gimli: “And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!?”



Legolas: what? And break a nail? I'm too pretty for that!



Boromir: “And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron gets back his shiny ring?”



Elrond: well, then he will be prettier then legolas.



Legolas: *gasp* !! gimmie the ring! Gimmie the ring!!





Gimli: “I will watch Mary-Kate and Ashley movies before I see the Ring in the manicured hands of an Elf!”





[All the elves and dwarves stand up and begin to argue to gimli about how they like mary-kate and Ashley movies. This of course is followed by everyone grabbing charcoal and stuffing it down eachothers throats. except Frodo, who hears the

sneeze of the Ring.]



The Ring: “Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"



Frodo: “um, excuse me! the ring needs a tissue too!”



[Everyone stops and listens to him. Gandalf closes his eyes in sadness.]



Frodo: “What? There are no tissues here?



Gandalf: oh, that was all you wanted…I could have sworn you said you would take the ring to mordor……? *wink*wink*



Frodo: well…if you really want me to…*pouts*



Gandalf: “Yes! Yes! We do!!



Legolas: yes! Please!!!!!



[everyone chants]



people: FRODO!! FRODO!! FRODO!! Go Frodo! Go Frodo! It's your birthday!…go Frodo!!



[this then lasts for hours…including them picking Frodo up onto their shoulders and feeding him cream pies.]



Later…



Gandalf: ok, since you don't know the way to mordor I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins… Just go to mapquest.com.”







Frodo: k.



Aragorn: “By my life or death, if I can protect you, I will. You have my pizza.”



Legolas: “And you have my pretty hairbow.”



Gimli: “And my spit!”



Boromir: “You carry the fates of us all, little hairy one. If this is indeed the will of this extremely dumb Council, and of figwit, then Gondor will see it done.”



[Sam runs in]



Sam: “Ha! Mr Frodo's not going anywhere without me!”



Elrond: “No, indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret dumby Council,

and you are not.”



Merry: “We're coming too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us.”



Elrond: well, if you put it that way…



Pippin: “Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission. Going where no hobbit has gone before…I should write this in my captain's log!”



Merry: “um, please excuse him, pip has lots of star trek fantasies….”



Elrond: “alright then, Nine companions. So be it! You shall be the dumb fellowship of the dumb Ring. Okie dokie?”



Pippin: “Great. Can we stop for pizza?”











[In Bilbo's room the hobbit is giving Frodo some gifts.]





Bilbo: “My old sword, Sting. Named him after that singer. Here, take it, take it, take it I say!!! Take it!”



Frodo: you cannot offer me this sword!



Bilbo: I'm giving it to you!



Frodo: wait a sec … wasn't this done before?…hm, ok nevermind.



Bilbo: “uh anyway, it's made by the Elves, you know. The blade glows pink when Orcs are close, and it's at times like

that, my lad, when I feel truly like luke skywalker.



Frodo: pink? …



Bilbo: "Here's a pretty, pretty thing. Mithril. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragons scales.

Let me see you put it on.”



[Frodo begins to unbutton his shirt…]



Bilbo: ahhhh! Put it away! Put it away!!! Eeeeewwww! Your chest is sooo ewwwww!!





[Frodo begins to button up his shirt and Bilbo runs to the bathroom to throw up.]



[about 30 minutes later Bilbo comes out of the bathroom]



Bilbo: *cries* “I'm sorry I brought this upon you, my boy... I'm sorry that you must carry this burden…it's genetics... all that hair on your chest must be so heavy.







[later the entire fellowship is walking on a mountain, they are heading south…]



Gandalf: “Cheer up lads, climbing mountains is fun!”



[The Fellowship has stopped. Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin how to jump rope.]



Boromir: *sings* “One, two, three, four, went to the voting box and voted for Gore…!”



Aragorn: “uhh….”



Merry: ?



Pippin: Stay ten feet away Boromir. Ten feet away…



Boromir: “jump Faster now! Faster!”



Gimli: I'm feeling groovy. Let's go visit my cousin balin's disco house.



Gandalf: “No, Gimli. I would not go to a house of disco unless I had no other choice.”



[Legolas sees something in the sky and Gandalf, too, sees it. Boromir gets pushed down to the ground by the hobbtis. Har-har-har.]





Pippin: It's a bird!



Bormir: It's a plane!



Merry: It's super- er…sour-man? Or super man…or sourman? Or…? *scratches head*



Gandalf: Actually it's really the bird.



Aragorn: "Gentlemen, to the 24 hour disco house!"





[Aragorn, too, is pushed to the ground by the hobbits. Tehe…fun.]





To Be continued…

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment