wIcKd

i'm bored, so how about writing something that'll help you all be as goddamn sexy as me. here, here's my tips on how to dress if you want to impress those emo-sluts:

alright, so you want to look "so much more with it" than the rest of your broke-@$$ friends. let's start with personal-care.

Tip 1 - no facial hair aside from sideburns that only go as far as the middle of your ears.

Tip 2 - cut of your balls. you won't be needing them when you get the shoot kicked out of you.


Tip 3 - Hair: a tad comples. the beginning will be spiky in the front, flat on top. then let it go and become shaggy. trust me, you can still get it cut while it's growing AND be a little dog. honest! just go to a hair stylist (yeah, no barbers for you, barbers smell like poo, their teqniques are futile and if they frack up your hair they frack it up good upon no repair) and have them cut it so it looks nice-messy.

Tip 4 - Clothing:

fag screamo (scream + emo) band tees that are two sizes to small (regardles of collars or not).

pants need to be as tight as they can be so to let the gash see you have no balls.

shoes = chuck taylor (black or w/stripes), white socks. this way NO animals will be harmed in the making of your shoes, only oil companies making a profit off of you.

belts must be white or sparkly like a fairy princess. oh, only losers don't have belt buckles.

glasses are simple. square black-rimmed glasses (DO NOT OVERLOOK THESE!!). nothing screams trendy whore more than this accessory (even if you don't need glasses, get them you little wuss).

"goodbye cruel world"

wristbands... uh... to cover the scars from trying to kill yourself? Sure, why not. And, uh, so when people ask if they can try em on so you can be coy and morose. DAMMIT!!! Be Proud OF YOUR SUICIDE ATTEMPT!

if you're man enough to get a tattoo, get one of a star somewhere on yourself

have a purse handy but call it a shoulder bag. ok, some crap you should have in there (you don't have to actually use this crap): cell phone (we know your rich little @$$ has one), portable CD player w/ oversized old-skool headphones, your bowl (you fracking hippy...), a CD wallet, your testicles (in case you ever need to preve that you still have them), a book by Keuroac and a diary (but call it a journal).

you need buttons if you want to get emo-doges hot. you will need 8 buttons. two of them will be of Vagrant Records bands, two will be of bands that your friends are in and no one has heard of, one vegetarian slogan and one one of an 80's metal band (probably GN'R), and one that you found in a box in your room from when you were like, nine.
placement is rudementary. one on your hooded sweatshirt (call it a hoodie), several on your purse... err... shoulder bag (like 6 there) and one on your hat if you're man enough to wear one. if you're not, put one by your crotch, 'cause i'm out of ideas.

once your hair is mid-length and shaggy, you HAVE to get a mesh hat. wear it slightly askew.

handkerchief/bandana - fold this one neatly once, 'cause you are to NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN, for fear of your balls growing back, or something.


music:

Tip 5 - music

first and foremost... 'The Smiths', trust me, no guy likes em, but it gets you crazy gash!!! morrissey has feelings, so you must too! right? again showing your lack of testicles.

'Guns n Roses' 'cause you want everyone to know that you rock as hard as Axl!! (shut up on this one, this was the seminal jock/cock rock band ever; if you ever went to one of their shows you would have been slaughtered by steak heads, metal heads or jock assholes. Just keep faking it and say that slash is an amazing guitarist and yell: SLAYER!!!)

anything with clean sounding guitars or ones that are over produced to sound gritty; you wont call it pop-punk but indie-rock or ROCK, you are lying to yourself.
examples: Weezer, Saves the Day, The Strokes, The White Stripes. frack it, just go to Long Island, plenty exist there (just be sure to avoid 2 Man Advantage)

fugazi: dont listen; afterwards you realize you are living a lie.

random NewWave stuff like depeche mode, the cure, duran duran.

dont EVER get caught listening to anything involving Henry Rollins, cause he ruined Black F(l)ag. he's a steakhead, fakes his shoot, and is no morrisey. hes just too insensitive, mean and intense for you! (cry here)


other crap to know:

Tip 6 - carry a digital camera so you can keep adding pictures your website and livejournal. (no one cares about your lame life except like three of your friends who you smoke pot with and/or jam with. also livejournals are used so you can get that girl from makeoutclub.com to stay interested in your deep and tragic life.)

Tip 7 - say you are a writer not a parasite on your parents.

Tip 8 - at parties put on a Radiohead/Smiths/White Stripes album. stay as far away from AC/DC, Faith No More, or Dropkick Murphys. (these bands are too scary and you will be found out you have invested too much in being a scenester to loose gash opportunities.)

Tip 9 - own an acoustic guitar and try to play Dashboard Confessional or Bon Jovi... same thing really. Either way its for the gash.

Tip 10 - talk about your band all the time, BUT DONT EVER GET A GIG! People once again may find out that you arent as into yourself as you let on!

Tip 11 - make sure your band has 3 words for the name. No more, no less!!! 3 is VERY IMPORTANT!!!

Tip 12 - ref(e)er to ANYTHING pre-1994 as old-skool, and you must spell it as skool. (because you must be noticed)

Tip 13 - touch another guys pee-pee once, so you can tell the gash, "when I was into boys..." (all it takes, dude).

Tip 14 - work on your rockin out moves at home. Britany Spears works on her dance routines, you must choreograph too! the more natural it looks on stage the more you must ACTUALLY rock, right?

Tip 15 - have the side of your nostril pierced OR an eyebrow ring AND have double 0 plugs in your ears. plugs, not earings. earings are for pussies or hard @$$ rockers.

Tip 16 - get coke fiend glasses. just like Axl, right?

Tip 17 - do coke just like Axl, right? (right?)

Tip 18 - have as many stories as possible begin, "so there I was drunk /stoned / tripping/ coked out / trashed..." this shows the gash that you Give A frack!, cause you are an "artist / writer/ poet" and have thrown off the shackles of society! (you don't actually have to do drugs to get with a gash, you just have to be convincing enough. i.e. lying. you're convincing when you say you're going to end your pitiful, sorrowful life, right? good start.)

Tip 19 - say, "thats tough" and, "that rocks" as much as you can.

Tip 21 - have a cat. we know guys like dogs, but gash and kittens go hand in hand. (pussy)

Tip 22 - take showers, but don't wash your hair (because your fiends told you washing your hair is really bad for it. you trust your friends, right?); instead gell it up like we discussed earlier. (i skipped tip 20 because you don't need one, you're a rebel.)