Chapter 1 - You know you’re really obsessed with LABYRINTH whe

You know you're really obsessed with LABYRINTH when…



1) Someone mentions it, or about mazes, and you get all dreamy-eyed thinking of the King.

2) You OD on peaches, hoping to hallucinate about a ballroom.

3) When someone wants Japanese for dinner, you shout, “OH, MY ACHING SUSHI!”

4) You spend hours at the costume jewelry shop, thinking about what Hoggle would like.

5) Then you get kicked out for being a lunatic because you innocently inquired about a watch with 13 numbers on it.

6) When someone forgets to take out the trash or change baby's diaper, you politely remind them by screaming, “SMELL BAD!”

7) Every time your brother (or sister) gets annoying and/or loud, you say, “I wish the goblins would come and take you away. Right NOW!”

8) You write so much fanfic and send so much e-mail about LABYRINTH and its King that your computer explodes.

9) The “keep out” sign on your room is a copy of Sir Didymus' oath.

10) You either smile and wave (or scream and flee in terror) every time you see a white owl.

11) You say, “It's not fair!” constantly.

12) When someone says, “It's not fair!” you say, “No, it isn't! But that's the way it is.”

13) When someone says, “It's not fair!” you say, “That's right! It's not fair! And that's only half of it!”

14) When someone says, “It's not fair!” you say, “You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is.”

15) When someone wants you to do something you don't want, you retort, “You have no power over me!”

16) When someone says, “Oh, nothing . . .” you say, “Nothing? Nothing? Nothing? Nothing, tra la la?”

17) When someone talks too low, you say, “Mumble, mumble, mumble. You're a wonderful conversationalist.”

18) When you review French vocab, you make it a constant point to remind the teacher of the word “oubliette.”

19) Every time your brother or sister is annoying, etc., you threaten to send them to the oubliette.

20) Every time your brother or sister is annoying, etc., you threaten them with the Bog of Eternal Stench.

21) You liven up dances and parties (and maybe the talent show) by singing “Magic Dance.”

22) Every time you see a crystal, you either grab it, hoping to see your dreams, or smash it in terror.

23) Every time your brother or sister is bad, you warn them, “Don't defy me.”

24) When someone wants either you or your friends' help, or complains that you are not helping, say, “What do you mean, help? We are helping. We're Helping Hands.”

25) When you get something you want, or persuade someone to do something, you say, “There go a couple of suckers.”

26) When someone is in a knock-down, drag-out fight, you scream, “Bite him in the teriyaki!” before trying to help.

27) When someone either gets a question right or states something obvious, you say, “How's that for brainpower?”

28) When someone tells you to be quiet, you say, “Aw, nuts.”

29) Whenever you hear or see a picture of either LABYRINTH or David Bowie, you walk on air and smile and dream about him and don't pay attention to anything else.

30) When you do all the talking or thinking for someone, you remark, “It's so stimulating being your hat.”

31) When someone suggests or says something stupid, you say, “Aie! Will you listen to this crap?!”

32) When you are wrong about something, you say, “Well, can't be right all the time.”

33) When your dog runs away, you scream, “If you don't turn around this second, I will never feed you again!”

34) When you and a friend are ganged up on by a lot of bullies or whoever, you confidently say, “Had enough? Throw down your weapons and I'll see that you're well-treated.”

35) After you and your friend make mincemeat out of the above mentioned bullies, you advise them, “Next time, surrender!”

36) You buy two Old English sheepdogs and name one Merlin and one Ambrosius.

37) You have a deathly fear of old bridges.

38) Your baby brother knows all the lines to LABYRINTH by heart and cries when you watch or listen to it.

39) Your pets know all the lines to LABYRINTH by heart and run howling in terror every time you watch or listen to it.

40) You link one or more psych papers to LABYRINTH.

41) You link one or more English papers to LABYRINTH.

42) Every time you see a worm, you stop and wait for it to invite you to tea.

43) You name your pets after LABYRINTH characters.

44) You name your children after LABYRINTH characters.

45) You name other people's children and pets after LABYRINTH characters.

46) You go to the Hall of Records and City Hall to have your name legally changed to one of your favorite LABYRINTH characters.

47) You not only know the songs, you know the written dialogue as well.

48) All the written dialogue.

49) In multiple languages.

50) You know the score by heart.

52) You not only know the score and dialogue, you know the actions.

53) All the actions…sequence by sequence, scene by scene, play by play.

51) You sing LABYRINTH songs for the talent show, then threaten to throw the audience into the Bog of Eternal Stench when they boo you.

52) You believe Jareth exists.

53) You'd be willing to date him.

54) You spend hours on the `net looking for David Bowie's address.

55) You'd be willing to date David Bowie.

56) You put out a death warrant on anyone who dares to say that Jareth got what he deserved.

57) You put out another death warrant on anyone who dares ask, “What's LABYRINTH?” and “Who's Jareth?”

58) You have a shrine to LABYRINTH and Jareth.

59) You threaten to sue the jewelry store when they say they don't have Jareth's symbol.

60) Then you threaten to arrest the jeweler when he/she asks, “Who the heck is Jareth?”

61) You write letters to David Bowie with TO THE GOBLIN KING on the envelope.

62) Then you mail them.

63) You scour shops for a copy of Escher's “Relativity.”

64) Then you have a fit when it doesn't come alive so you can have fun running up and down all those stairs.

65) You invoke the help of the goblins constantly.

66) You invoke the help of Jareth constantly.

67) You threaten to do something really bad when it doesn't work.

68) If you don't OD on peaches, you have a deathly fear of them, shrieking, “Get them away! I want to keep my memory!” whenever you see one.

69) If you start calling your mini French poodle “Sir Didymus” instead of her real name.

70) If you start calling your sixteen-year-old sister with brown eyes and long brown, almost black hair “Jennifer (Connelly).”

71) Or, if you're REALLY obsessed, “Sarah.”

72) At a David Bowie concert, you jump up and down screaming, “I love you, Jareth!” before the security guards haul you away for being a lunatic.

73) At a David Bowie concert, if he asks for song requests, you immediately call out, “As the World Falls Down!” or any other LABY song.

74) When someone insults you, you immediately retort, “Oh, yeah? Well, your mother is a fraggin' aardvark!”

75) Whenever you get into trouble, you immediately scream, “Ludo! Call the rocks!”

76) Then you try calling them yourself.

77) Then you have a lot of explaining to do when your folks and the principal want to know exactly why you're asking a bunch of rocks to help you.

78) When a door is shut that you have to enter, you shout, “Open up! Open up right now!”

79) You scour the bluebells looking for fairies/faeries.

80) And Hoggle.

81) Every time you see a door knocker you wait for it to say, “It's very rude to stare!”

82) You have the urge to “chilly down” every time you see a campfire, or any kind of fire.

83) On everyone's birthday, you greet them with, “I've brought you a gift.”

84) Twice a day you shout out, “I don't believe it! It's 7:00!”

85) At desert time you yell, “It's a piece of cake!”

86) Every time you get into an elevator, you have the urge to scream, “Down! They chose down! Too late now, ha ha ha ha!”

87) You do your eyeshadow like Jareth.

88) You spend your free time morphing pictures of yourself onto pictures of Jareth.

89) Your computer automatically capitalizes the word Labyrinth.

90) And it recognizes “Jareth,” “Bowie” and “Connelly.”

91) You decide to help contribute to this list.

92) And were really enthusiastic about it.

93) You know all the moves to “Dance Magic.”

93) If you have twins, you're planning to name them Timothy and James so you can affectionately call them Tim and Jim.

94) You own a pair of panda slippers, a little bunny rabbit, a little horsie, a printing game, Charlie Bear and a doll called Betsy Boo.

95) When you go to the beach, the first thing you do is build the Goblin King's castle, complete with the Labyrinth around it.

96) When helping out at a playgroup, you get more excited when they decide to play Labyrinth than the whole of the under 5s.

97) You teach them how to do the “Dance Magic” and “Chilly Down” dances.

98) Which ends up with the whole place being torched and set on fire.

99) You get sent home with a note.

Your most uttered quotes are:

100) “It's not a mullet!”

101) “I'm not looking at it!”

102) “I concentrate on his face!”

103) “I concentrate on his acting!”

104) “Why don't you go check out some male ballet dancers if you're so interested?!”

105) “He's not picking his nose!”

106) You carry a picture of Jareth in your wallet.

107) Your parents find you making strange hand actions while doing the dishes with the new green rubber gloves.

108) And saying to yourself, “Come on! We haven't got all day!”

109) You get sent to a new psychiatrist.

110) You don't eat the fruit salad at Sizzler's “in case it contains peaches.”

111) The Teenage Wildlife forum calls Labyrinth fans “a different species” and you reply with a smiley face.

112) You proceed to classify Labyrinth fans into different subgroups.

113) All the posters at Teenage Wildlife are afraid of you.

114) When you meet Bowie at a record signing, you make him autograph your Labyrinth CD.

115) And you make him sign it “Love me, from Jareth.”

116) To which you exclaim, “Thank you Jareth!”

117) He recognizes you as the one who screamed, “I love you, Jareth!” at his last concert (#73).

118) He sends you home with a note.

119) You make plans to steal away his new baby.

120) You refer to everyone you're affectionate with as a “precious thing.”

121) You write an essay comparing the similarities of Jareth and Ziggy's hairstyles.

122) You buy a copy of the book The Mullet: Hairstyle of the Gods (by Mark Larson and Barney Hoskyns, Bloomsbury, $24.95).

123) You go to the zoo and stare dreamily at the owl.

124) You adopt the owl.

125) You call it Jareth.

126) And you happily tell it, “Look *who's* my slave now!”

127) When other people come to look at the owl, you become jealous.

128) You throw rocks at the school bullies when they decide to beat someone up.

129) They turn around to beat you up, see it's you and run away screaming.

130) You smile.

131) You offer the victim words such as, “Don't you want me to help you down?”, “That's no way to treat someone who's helping you” and “Are you hurt?”

132) At the casino, you answer the croupier with, “How about upping the stakes?” (Also “Roll `em!”, “Snake eyes!”, “We get a free throw!”, “Play the game!” and “You're no match for me!”)

133) At the end of a date, you scream at your bewildered partner, “Don't kiss me! Don't kiss me!”

134) You decide not to go on any more dates to spite your mother.

135) Anyway, how can anyone offer you anything when Jareth can offer you everything?

136) Every time someone asks the question, “What is it?” no matter how inappropriate the situation, you reply, “The Bog of Eternal Stench!”

137) Every time you past a door labeled “Cleaners,” you scream, grab your friend and start running.

138) You want to buy David Bowie's painting The Minotaur because it must have had something to do with Labyrinth.

139) When asked to write an essay on an influential philosopher, you pick the Wiseman and write a 10-page essay analyzing Labyrinth in the context of his words.

140) You get a good mark.

141) You decide to create a student political party at your university based on Jareth's political and ideological viewpoints.

142) You get sent to a attitudinal correction class where you have to spend the day doing Christian youth-group style activities with overzealous Marxists, Communists, socialists, leftists and neo-Nazis.

143) The overzealous Marxists, Communists, socialists, leftists and neo-Nazis become very scared of you.

144) You get sent home with another note.

145) Your mother ignores it and puts it in the pile with the others.

146) Even Elizabeth A. Allen is scared of you.

147) You make a list like this.

148) You do/have done all or most of what's on the list.

149) If you ever hear others complaining about an obvious bad smell, you promptly exclaim, "Oh, but I live by my sense of smell! The air is sweet, and fragrant!" and take a huge whiff of the offensive air just to confuse them further.

150) You add something to this list

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