Chapter 1 - Poems

These thoughts

i am holding the pill bottle, gasping for breath
thinking the end was in sight
then the voice comes along, the one who tells me no,
"you stupid dog put those up, do you wanna hurt him?"
and i cry harder...Him....
then i think he wouldn't care, he doesn't care....
i take one, then another...
WHY SHOULD HE CARE?!
then the voice....
"PUT THE frackING PILLS UP YOU WHORE!!! DO YOU WANT TO HURT HIM!?"
and i can't take the guilt, i put them up
stupid voice you happy now?
now i have no end, only guilt and pain
i want to end
please just let it end
i am so tired go away leave me to die
Him....
damn it, he is holding me here...
he couldn't care
could he?
i love him too much, i wish he'd just say he hated me
just once...
so then i could leave
but he says he loves me, is it true?
so afraid, so in pain...
paranoid
alone, in the darkness of my own confines
straight pins, safety pin
all around me sharpness and opportunity....
here, now, crying
Him...
would he be mad at my thoughts?
if he knew would he scream at me for being a dog?
would he turn into the voice?
all because of these thoughts...












Porcelain Doll

reflection so pale, am i alive
my suicide attempt, did i survive?
you promised to always be at my side
locked in a this cell, i now know you lied.
my mind is my prison that i can't escape,
you once came to me, but obviously too late.
it helped a little but then i relapsed
i took to many pills and then i collapsed,
trapped in my heart, hatred for life
there was a time i wanted to be your wife,
now dull memories of smiles long since past
has prolonged my pain, made it last.
i still want to cut, still want to die
i remember you promised never to lie
i should have known better, should have seen
that in the end, you i could never believe.
all promises are elaborate lies
it shouldn't have come as a surprise
and still i hoped even believed,
that is why i was so easy to deceive...
all men are liars, women are too,
what have i done to all of you?
do i deserve this, must i go on?
am i the evil intolerable spawn?
paler now that ever,
remembering now promises of our ties never to sever
i start to cry fall to the ground
in the end pain's all i found
why did you do this, why hurt me?
what did i do? why can't i see?
i am so tired now, i fall asleep
thinking of the promises you could keep...
and to my delight i never wake up
finally for once, i have good luck....
this is my future, i can already see
how things are going to be for me
should i end it now? should i die?
rather than live through it and cry?
a porcelain doll, easy to shatter
only 14 and already tattered...
death is my salvation
unless someone makes a happiness donation,
someone please help i am so scarred
of losing the one or two people who care…






















HuRt

lust takes hold of everything and i just want to die,
why did i do that, i think about it and cry...
i just let fear take hold of me and twist up my mind
so that i do as i am told, panic all i find.
and if i were to die today I'd laugh as i was bleeding
do you have any idea the images I've been seeing?
how could i tell you i fear a repeat of history,
even though i know you would never do that to me...
that i have nightmares were it happens, but it's you instead of him,
i wake up feeling scared, panicked to the brim.
and i know you'd never do that, but it won't go away.
and how could i tell you this? what words would i say?
when i feel that at just the thought i have betrayed you
and i have no idea what to do
and i want to bleed dry and die
so i can no longer cry or get by,
and i want you to leave so i can't hurt you, but i need you desperately
and i want this pain to fade away, i wan to be set free...
of all the things that come from you, the good and the bad,
i love to hear that you love me because it's the most i ever had.
and yes your hormones hurt me, like you promised me you wouldn't
but i never hold it against you because i know i shouldn't
it's not your fault i feel this way, not your fault I'm wounded
not your fault that through everything no hate was bred,
well against the man who did it but hatred against me
and one day i will die, then everyone will see,
and everything is not okay i try to hide anyway
and to tell the truth about how i feel, this is what i wanted to say
for a while now while i was hid i thought these words out
and it built up so long i wanted to scream and shout,
so you would know how i feel, but then i was scared you'd leave
and then i would lose everything i choose to believe.
i love you so much, sorry for this betrayal, so sorry for my thoughts
i am so sorry, my love, but pain i am wrought..
and i love you so much to hide if you would like
but then it would build and fester, and likely to one day strike.
and all I want is for this to go away so i can be happy,
so rest assured baby, i know you'd never do that to me
i am sorry my past affects me so much to affect you,
i don't know what to do i am so confused,
please don't leave me, that would hurt me worse,
and remember baby, you promised not to make me hurt!
























Saturated lonliness

why is it that i still hurt?
every thing's just getting worse,
i wish there was something, anything, more than this
saturated loneliness...
it's not until i stop and think i realize I'm all alone
after my love and i are off the phone,
i know i have no one to cry to,
besides my love who is you...
and i feel i must hide
not let you see the pain inside,
i wish i were someone
i want to be anyone
as long as you love me,
as long as we can be..
i wanna be something, i wish it was something better than all of this..
saturated loneliness...
why is it i still cry?
i just want to die
through all of this
i wish there is something better, i have to believe there is,
i feel life unfair, why do i have to deal with it?
it's not fair to anyone, i don't want to deal with this shoot..
i am going through a rough time,
scarred by a bad crime
against me...
do you see...
i want to see the better side of things,
i try to but it stings,
all i want is one more kiss,
through all of my saturated loneliness....


I know there is something,
there's got to be something better...
why do i have to get through all of this?
wading through my saturated loneliness....
























Forsaken memories

i sit here
scaring you
i hate this,
and every thing we do,
grown so cold,
you bring back the heat
but my past
cannot be beat,
i slit my wrist,
i want to die,
one last breath
one more time.
Holding on
i try so hard
but my past
left me scarred...
don't let go,
though i plead
hold tight
don't let me bleed
if i cry
don't turn from me
i can't breath, my throat's so tight,
why can't i forget these memories
i can't get through this
it hurts too much
i try and i bleed
but my heart gets crushed.
why can't i see
the light you say
resides within me
everyday
i try too hard
to fake my smile
but i still bleed
once in a while
these memories crush my life
i can't let it out
i refuse
i won't shout,
and i won't die
I'll hold on
i promise
i won't leave you
why should i?
i try to live
but i won't cry
these memories are holding tight
but I'll beat this one day i know
I'll let my pain show,
but by it might be too late,
too late to save my soul
this memory won't fade with time
they won't go away
i try to force them out
but here they stay
until i cut them away..

away..

damn these forsaken memories
keep away from me
let me heal my wounds today,
don't let it stay with me
set me free...
rape is such a horrid crime,
i fear it won't fade with time.....





















Your last lullaby

Hush little baby don't say a word
mommie knows her baby's hurt
she can see it in your eyes
you can't hide behind your lies
ring around the rosies,
devil got your nosie
drag you down into hell
no one hears you when you yell
twinkle twinkle little star
treat you like the whore you are
hate you though your my kin
you actions seep through my skin
this is how i know you feel
and you know it's myself i kill
because you hate the way i am
i'm intoxicated with the venom
Save me mommie, please please try
or this will be your last lullaby
sung by the spawn i know you hate
save me or this will be your fate

lalalalalala...

kill me now or watch me bleed
how could you do this evil deed?
singing softly this lullaby
dosen't make you want to cry?

hush little baby don't say a word
mommie pretends that you don't hurt...


















Daddy, say it isn’t so!!


i have memories of things,
things mom says aren't real
please tell me i'm a lair,
so, with my memories, i can deal
tell me it was all a dream
say what happened isn't so
but you were so drunk it seems
you can't remember what we both know...
please daddy say i had a nightmare
say it's all in my head
sick of all the sad thoughts
you might just find me dead
say i couldn't be right for once
tell me i am dumb
or let me try to forget
let my heart go numb,
no longer do i want to weep
all i want is to die
and night is worst of all
because i have the time to wonder why
save me from this guilt i feel
i know it's all my fault
convince me i'm a liar
say it's not what i thought
tell me that you love me
that you don't have to go
but most of all daddy...
please say it isn't so!!

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