Chapter 1 - Your Horoscope for Today

Italics are song lyrics. Parentheses are what’s happening in the world outside of Kakashi’s reading space. I saw zodiac pictures with the Naruto characters, and this song was playing, and, well…you know the rest.

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine, copyright of Masashi Kishimoto. The song "Your Horoscope For Today" is also not mine, copyright of "Weird Al" Yankovic.

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"…Kakashi-sensei? What are you doing?"

Sasuke blinked his eyes at his teacher. The infamous copy-nin was leaning over a newspaper and laughing his mask off.

"I’m…I’m reading the horoscopes," Kakashi wheezed, wiping his visible eye. "You should see the trash they printed today. Someone has a twisted sense of humor at the publishing company." His eye widened as though he had just had a realization. "Hey, you’re a Leo, right? You wanna hear yours?"

Sasuke sweat-dropped. "No thanks. I never pay attention to that stuff." He then scuffled out of the room, leaving Kakashi to his astrological amusement. Kakashi just shrugged and scanned the printing in front of him.

 AQUARIUS:  There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.  Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.

(Aburame Shino was currently locked in his room, hitting plastic rodents with a hammer and massaging his bandaged tongue.)

PISCES: Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.

(Tenten was jumping on her bed, dancing along to the soundtrack of "High School Musical".)

ARIES: The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

(Sakura, remind me again why I’m x-raying you."

Haruno Sakura was laying n a medical cot being examined by Lady Tsunade. "Just…please keep looking.")

TAURUS: You will never find true happiness. What ‘cha gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

(Akimichi Choji woke up in the morning and looked out the window. He sighed. "Nothing ever changes.")

GEMINI: Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest.

(Hoshigaki Kisame burst out of the Akatsuki meeting hall. "Sheesh! What did you eat for breakfast?" Uchiha Itachi just shrugged and glanced at the candlelit cake sitting on the table, grinning sheepishly.)

CANCER: The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week facedown in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape p your nose while taking your driver’s test.

(Hyuuga Hanabi stood above her Branch-House cousin. "Neji, get your face out of that mud puddle!")

LEO: Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

(Uchiha Sasuke gazed longingly at the photocopier as he idly grabbed a large tub and a gallon of milk from the refrigerator.)

VIRGO: All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent – except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

(Temari was curled up in the fetal position on her bed, crying and screaming "I’m not dumb!")

Kakashi laughed as he finished reading the little blurb about Virgo. "Damn, I feel sorry for the loser who believes this garbage."

At this point, the narrator would like to insert the following statements:

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Kakashi shook his head and kept reading.

Where was I?

LIBRA: A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

(Uzumaki Naruto clutched his stomach. In a panic, he ran to the hospital in search of Tsunade’s assistant, Shizune.)

SCORPIO: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.

(Yakushi Kabuto leaned out of the third-story window and looked down at the legendary shinobi. "I told you the floor was slippery.")

SAGITTARIUS: All your friends are laughing behind your back – KILL THEM. Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in you den.

(Rock Lee strapped the machine gun into a holster. Saluting himself in the mirror, he stormed out of his house in search of his teammates – who were still dancing, or lying in the puddle.)

CAPRICORN: The stars say you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again.

(Hyuuga Hinata was hiding under her covers, crying into the teddy bear Neji had stolen from Gaara.)

Kakashi laughed as he threw the newspaper into a recycling bin. "What a bunch of crap!"

Just then, a piano fell on top of his head, crushing his skull with a sickening force.

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