Chapter 15 - And it's all because of you...

Blain didn’t even visited once... He was so caught up with Shamara that he didn’t even have time to visit me. After all the things I did for him, he just pushed me aside and I guess I had all the right to be pissed off at him… Rico didn’t… Rico helped me the most… So did everyone else… Except Blain, who lived on like nothing ever happened…

A few weeks went by… I still stayed home, and Rico still visited regularly. One day, we were hanging out by the lake and I talked to him. I told him a lot that no one else knew of me. It’s actually kinda strange, because I know Rico for just 2 months, and I know everyone else for more then a year now. I guess talking to a “stranger” about you’re problems could help more then to someone you know for years. I don’t know why, but it just helped. I don’t even know how many hours I stayed with Rico, telling all sorts of things while I just cried my eyes out. And I’m thankful for that Rico was there for me. I just couldn’t stand it that Blain pushed me aside like that. Why? Why did he do that? He always talked about “no one gets left behind” and all that other bullshoot he was yapping about, and yet he abandoned me. Every time I saw him, I acted different against him. He realized it all too well that he was doing the wrong thing, and yet he kept on doing it. If he’s gonna hang out with Shamara, that’s his call but you’re never turning you’re back against your other friends. I saw Blain lesser and lesser and at some point, I didn’t see him at all anymore. It’s not my fault… I’m not intending to apologize, not this time…

Rico and I were starting to get close. I told him so many things that has happened to me just to get rid of that unpleasant feeling that was inside of me all this time. And at some point, he also shared stories. His mom died when he was 9 years old, and his dad always beat him. He showed me scars on his back and he told me he ran away from home, in which I can relate. Every day when we saw each other, we shared stories and the more we share, the better we felt. I liked Rico a lot, and he has a good sense of humour.

He lived in downtown Deberan and got himself a nice cosy apartment with a beautiful view on Brawshore Falagate Square. It was even more beautiful at night, when you saw all the neon signs and people walking around on the pavement below like ants. Sometimes during the weekends after we came at his place, we sat in the bay window, staring at the view. We always fell asleep after staring outside it for countless of hours, and that every time I woke up the next day, he was making something for breakfast. Well, lunch was more like it, seeing as we always got home late and everything.

Then one Saturday night, we home after we visited a club. We had a lot of fun, and had “temporary” friends as long as it lasted. We started talking with another couple, who also had a few friends along. So basically, after that night, we exchanged phone-numbers, so if they visited that club again, they’d give us a call and vice versa.

And that, after we got to Rico’s place, we sat at the bay window again, staring outside again… I wasn’t tired... I faced Rico and cuddled him…

Nicole: Thanks for everything Rico…
Rico: Always…

I leaned over to his chest and felt he puts a strong arm around me. I felt safe… Cosy… Warm… I placed an arm around his shoulder and held him close. I have no idea how long we sat like that, but I wished it was forever…We stared at each other as I felt my face was getting closer to his and I kissed him… And he kissed me back… For a moment there, it felt really awkward… But that feeling got away soon as I kissed him again… And again… And again…

I slept with Rico that night… I didn’t know why I did it… Maybe I did it for attention… Maybe it was to close down a chapter of my life… Whatever the reason was, I would be lying if I said I didn’t like it… Everything felt so intense, it felt like I was floating… The feeling only lasted for about an hour, and as we were busy, the feeling slowly faded away and left me feel empty on the inside…

We cuddled afterwards… Except… It didn’t feel like it used to… I didn’t feel safe, cosy and warm anymore… I just felt plain miserable… If there was an explanation of why I did it, I could at least give it a rest and accept it… But I couldn’t for some reason… I didn’t know why I did it and why I felt miserable… I thought it would actually help me, but it didn’t… And the more I thought about it, the more miserable I felt…

Rico: Is something bothering you…?
Nicole: No… I’m fine, really…

He looked at me and smiled, and not long after that, he fell asleep… I couldn’t sleep… I stared at Rico like he was a stranger all of a sudden… I couldn’t face Rico anymore… In some way, I took advantage of him, fooling me into thinking it made me feel better… But it did the opposite… And I was feeling even more miserable… And that’s why I had to go…

I got dressed, got my things, and looked at Rico, who was still asleep… I sighed, and got out of the door, wiping a tear with my arm… I couldn’t face him anymore, not after what I did…

And as I was walking through the streets, I saw a lot of people… Most of it were couples trying to have fun in clubs, or they go to a cafeteria to eat something after a night spending in a club… I don’t… All I wanted was to go home…

Around half an hour later, I got home… I flopped down on my bed while wiping my eyes. I was tired… But I just couldn’t fall asleep while still feeling miserable as ever… Then I thought if a nice shower would help… So I took a shower… A very hot one… For some reason, I was shivering… Even though the hot water and steam filled up the cabin… I looked down at my… Well, you know… And… I just didn’t know what to think of… I mean… I wasn’t myself anymore for some reason… I let myself down and sat at the bottom of the cabin and trying to think of a reason…

That reason never came… As I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself… The reflection I was staring at wasn’t me… Yet it was a familiar face I’ve seen a long time ago… I stroked the patch of fur on my chest and kept circling it around for some reason. I closed my eyes and sighed, and dried myself off. I put on my nightie and went to bed…

I couldn’t fall asleep… It was 4:21 AM… I’ve been turning around in my bed for more then 2 hours now… Then all of a sudden, my phone went… I was a bit reluctant to answer it, but it kept on ringing… So I answered it…

Nicole: … Yeah…?
Phone: Nicole, it’s Blain…
Nicole: Oh… Hey…
Phone: I didn’t wake you did I…?
Nicole: No, I was just dozing off…
Phone: I eh…
Nicole: Hm…?
Phone: I know it’s very late but…
Nicole: But what?
Phone: You think I could… You think I could see you?
Nicole: What, you mean now?
Phone: Yeah… Too talk…
Nicole: I’m not in the mood to talk…
Phone: Well… It’s just that… *sighs*
Nicole: What?
Phone: I’m worried about you, you know…
Nicole: That’s all?
Phone: No… Shamara and I had a fight… A few hours ago, she walked away…
Nicole: And now you need someone to talk to right?
Phone: Yeah…
Nicole: Well we talked. Goodnight Blain.
Phone: *sighs* Wait…
Nicole: What is it?
Phone: I’m sorry… I…*sighs* I know I’ve been acting like an @$$ the last couple of weeks… I… I just miss having you around you know…?

Truth be told, I kinda miss him too… Seeing as I couldn’t sleep and needed some distraction, I thought it was best if he came over…

Phone: … You still there…?
Nicole: Yeah… Sure, come on over…
Phone: Thanks Nicole… See ya in a bit…

And I hang up. I got dressed in a regular outfit and waited for Blain…

Hours passed by without seeing him… He never came that night… At some point, I gave up and fell down on the couch while staring outside the window. Dark clouds covered up the starry night sky as the first raindrops fell until it got louder and louder… A really depressing sight… And I noticed Shamara walking towards his house… And at that very same moment, I realized something…

For some reason, Blain was running around in my thoughts. I couldn’t really put it all aside. All the things we’ve been through and now look at him… Seven months ago, he was so different… I remember the good times we had, like going to school, going to a bar, Christmas, New Years Eve and a lot of other things before she came in his life. I couldn’t really let the thought go that he has someone else now. I felt like I was being pushed aside after all the things we did together. And seeing him together with her was painful… It made me wonder if I’ll ever be able to experience that I would be with someone again. The feeling of a strong arm holding you when waking up… The gaze in the eyes of the person you love… And I think that’s the reason I clenched so much on Rico, because I don’t wanna be alone… And after what I did tonight, I couldn’t face him anymore…

Simple cuddles are the only things that I really miss, and if Blain would hug me again, I know it wouldn’t be the same… Maybe I really liked him… What started out hateful turned friendly, except it never broke the boundaries of something that could have been more then just friends... I never told him how much I cared for him after all the things we’ve been through. Like I once said, how can anyone know if you never tell anything…? I told Blain that a long time ago and now I’m doing the same… How stupid can you be…? He never knew because I never told him that I cared… And what scared me most is that I never could tell if he really liked me back… He’s got someone else now and is moving on, while I stay behind and watch him leave… I know Blain isn’t really an open book when it comes to expressing his emotions… He can be gentle, sweet and caring… But all it takes is to find the right page…

For some reason, I was really pissed, but also very sad… It’s really hard to describe that feeling, especially if you’ve never felt it before. And thinking of “the good old days” only makes it worse. You’ve experienced it, but it’s not coming back. Whatever may happen in the future, things will never be the same again… Because… I really didn’t want to lose Blain. And realizing that also made me realize I needed Blain… Not the other way around… I hang out with Blain to make myself feel better, so that I would not be alone. Sure I got everyone else, but that’s not the same. Blain and I did a lot together… We laughed together, cried together, and we both had the same desperate and desolate feeling after that “incident”… After that happened, I felt like I was the only one that truly understood what he all went through and brought us even closer...

I had regrets… Of course I had regrets… Would it be selfish of me not to let him go…? To make him live his own life…? Maybe… I don’t know… … That and thousands more questions kept circling around, while I didn’t know the answer… I was caught up in a distant dream wandering why my mind played tricks and fooled me into thinking he was here… The only thing I ever wished for that night was that he was here… Just to talk… That’s all… Nothing more… Nothing less…

And with that in mind, I cried myself to sleep…

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment