Chapter 16 - Thought you had all the answers...

Up ‘till this day, I still don’t know why I did it that night. Maybe there wasn’t even a reason. It just happened. Maybe Rico thought the same way. I liked him, but not in that way. So why did it happen? If only I knew…

Waking up the next day didn’t change much. In fact, I felt even more miserable. So much happened the last few days and I could barely keep track of it. I needed to find a way to clear my mind and get everything straight. And as I looked outside, I noticed it was a sunny day. It wasn’t very warm, but I guess I needed to be outside. So I did. I went outside and sat by the lake staring at the water. And every time I saw my own reflection it made me think. Wondering what happened to me. Because it just wasn’t me I was facing. It’s as simple as that.

Mina: Hey!

I was so carried away in thoughts that I didn’t noticed Mina standing behind me. You know, the mongoose girl. I didn’t really know her that well and deep inside of me, I wished she would just leave. But some reason, she didn’t. I turned around to face her.

Nicole: Hey…
Mina: Long time no see. How you’ve been?
Nicole: Alright…
Mina: I heard what happened a few days ago… Are you ok?
Nicole: Yeah…
Mina: Does it hurt…?
Nicole: A lot…
Mina: Heh… I haven’t seen your friend in a while as well.
Nicole: … So you’re point being?
Mina: I don’t know… I mean, you always used to hang out with him a lot. And now… Well…

Nicole: Blain and I are at offs right now.
Mina: Oh…? What happened?
Nicole: A lot and I don’t wanna talk about it right now.

Mina: Oh…

Then I stared in front of me again, hoping that would make Mina go away. But for some reason, she didn’t go away… She sighs and sat next to me.

Mina: Why don’t you just tell him…?
Nicole: Tell him what?
Mina: The truth.
Nicole: What truth?
Mina: That you actually like him.
Nicole: What?
Mina: Come on… I’ve seen you two… Everyone knows…
Nicole: … Is it that obvious…?
Mina: Hmm-mm…

I sighed and supported my head on my knees… Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s not… Who knows…? I wouldn’t know… There was this long silence…

Mina: See… There once was this guy I truly loved. He saved me once… And ever since then, I never left his side. I fell in love with him. We had great times until he found someone else. I was so devastated by that, that I couldn’t stand it anymore. And one day, I was determined to tell him everything. Absolutely everything… I found out he had a relationship with her, but I talked to him anyway… You know what he said…?

Nicole: What did he say…?
Mina: “Mina… I always liked you the best… But I was afraid… Afraid of your silence…”

Then I just looked at her and she sighed.

Mina: So… Don’t be afraid to open up your feelings to him. Because… I didn’t, and I had lots of regrets… I still do… And that’s the worst kind of feeling you can have…

Nicole: Yeah…

As she looked up, I noticed someone standing on the hill smiling at Mina. A guy, another mongoose. Probably her lover or something. She got up and smiled at me, and walked over to the guy. They walked away holding each others hand and they stare each other in the eyes. I barely know Mina and yet she pretends we’re being best friends or something… Its kinda remarkable, because it actually helped me. After I couldn’t see them anymore, I took another look in at my reflection in the water. And all of a sudden, it was like I was hit with a mallet. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. I suddenly knew the answer and it was in front of me the whole time…

I sat by the lake for more then half an hour. After all, it was a nice Sunday for the time of the year, and it wasn’t really that cold.

Not long after that, I heard limping behind me. And well, there was only one person I knew that would have a limp… I turned around, and as expected, Blain stands there… For some reason, he looked different… I don’t know why, but that was the first thing I noticed. He was changed. His appearance didn’t change, but there was something about him. But I looked in front again and ignored him…

Blain: Hey…
Nicole: Hello stranger…
Blain: You’re still mad huh…?
Nicole: To say the least, yeah. Actually, I’m pissed off at you.
Blain: *sighs*
Nicole: What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be with miss “imtoogoodforeveryoneelse”?

Blain: Why are you so pissed off at me anyway…? Is it because I hang out with Shamara?

Nicole: No…
Blain: Then what is?!
Nicole: You really wanna know?!
Blain: What?!! Why is it?!!
Nicole: It’s because you were not there for me when I needed you the most!! That’s why!!

He sighed and looked down as it stayed quiet for a while…

Nicole: Where was I when you sat there on the beach and doged about everything that happened to you…? Where was I when you needed me the most…?

Silence…

Nicole: Where were you when I needed you the most…? The stories you told and that “No one gets left behind” thing…? Bullshoot… Because you dropped me like a brick…

He turned around to walk away… At that point, that really pissed me off…

Nicole: You wanna walk away…? Sure… Go ahead. Bury you’re head in the sand. But I’ll tell you one thing. If you leave right now, I never wanna see you again. Because what you did is unforgivable. We either talk about it right here, right now, or don’t bother to come back…

Again, he sighed and he came back… Which I was hoping for. He sat down next to me.

Blain: I don’t… I don’t really know how to explain this… It’s… It’s all new to me.
Nicole: Then try it.
Blain: I eh…
Nicole: Hm?
Blain: … I really don’t know… I wish I knew, but… I don’t…

He looked at me and sighed… Truth be told, I was getting a little desperate by now…

Nicole: Look… I know you and Shamara got something together… Truth be told, I don’t like her at all. But you do, so I’m not stopping you. I’m not the one who can decide for you…

Blain: I know… I like Shamara as well but… I don’t know… I mean… I changed a lot over the year but I’ve changed more ever since I’ve been with her… I don’t know what the hell is happening and more important, why… *sighs* I’m happy around her, and around you but it’s not the same… I do things I never realized I would, and… It’s so fracked up, I don’t know what to do. And you were right. I’ve become a pussy…

Nicole: You’re not being a pussy… You’re just in love. That’s all…
Blain: Me? Oh come on…
Nicole: No really… Did you ever watched yourself…? Like, comparing you with how you used to be…?

Blain: Yeah… And it scares me a bit…
Nicole: Changes can be a good thing Blain… Now would be a good time to leave the past be the past… You see where I wanna go…?

Blain: Yeah… But… I want things back like they used to be you know…? I miss that…

Nicole: I know…

Then it stayed silent for a moment…

Blain: You still mad at me Nicole…?
Nicole: Kinda…
Blain: Oh…
Nicole: It’ll pass I guess…
Blain: Heh… It’s been a while since we’ve talked like this huh…?
Nicole: Yeah…

It stayed silent for a while again… I was thinking about what Mina said and I guess it’s time to finally come clean…

Nicole: Blain…?
Blain: Yeah?
Nicole: There are a couple of things I wanna get rid of my chest… And… I made mistakes… And I got lots of regrets… In fact, that’s one of the reasons I feel so shootty…

Blain: … Talk to me…
Nicole: Well… For the past few weeks… Rico and I hang out a lot together… I talked about everything… But… For some reason, it didn’t really help… I mean, it helped, but at the same time, it didn’t… I- Gaah… I don’t know how to put it… I feel so ashamed of telling you this…

Blain: It’s ok, go on…
Nicole: I-
Shamara: There you are!!

For the love of… I recognized that shrieking annoying voice… Actually, I was boiling on the inside… I finally got the chance to talk to him and she comes along… I tried not to show my irritation…

Shamara: I’ve been looking for you!
Nicole: Do you mind? Blain and I are talking here.
Shamara: Come on Blain! We gotta go!

… Did she ignore me just then? Oh hell no…

Nicole: Excuse me, I’m talking to him.
Blain: Could you leave us for a sec?
Shamara: But the others are waiting! Come on!

Blain: Come on, this is important…
Shamara: … Fine…

She glared at me and walked off… Somewhere, deep inside I was actually thankful that Blain could say no just this once. But for some reason, I lost the will to talk to him since she came. I was so frustrated by that and deep inside of me, I just wanted to punch her to shut her up. But I didn’t. For my own and Blain’s sake I didn’t…

Blain: … What is it that you wanted to tell me…?
Nicole: Go on… Just… Just go with her, ok…?
Blain: You sure…?
Nicole: Yeah… But… Do me a favour will you…?
Blain: Anything…
Nicole: Remember this conversation we had… Ask yourself if it’s all worth it in the end and if this really is what you want… And… If I really mean that much to you as a friend…

He looked at me for a while and nodded slowly…

Nicole: Do it for me… Please… For a friend… That’s all I ask…
Blain: I will…

No hug… No kisses on the cheek… Not even a smile… All he did was looking up and down, sighing and closing his eyes… He turned and walked away to Shamara, who was waiting impatiently for him… At that point, I thought he wouldn’t do it. That he wouldn’t keep the promise nor that he understood what I said to him… He walked away with Shamara and I watched them leave…

I was wrong… Over the next few weeks, something changed inside Blain… I guess he kept his word and thought about everything. Every time I saw them together, they had little arguments. And at some point, they even had fights… I didn’t meddle with them nor did I talk to Blain ever since that day. He needs to find out on his own if that was really what he wanted. He wanted to hang out with Sonic and everyone else again, but Shamara didn’t want him to. She started to cling on Blain even more while Blain wanted the opposite. And slowly but steady, they grew apart. And one day, it was inevitable for them to break up… I was actually feeling sorry for Blain, because I knew how much she meant for him. But on the other hand, I was relieved that he broke up with her. I’m not saying that I didn’t have any part in it, but I just wanted him to realize if that really was what he wanted. He wanted to hang out with his own friends… But she kept him from doing that…

As for more me… Not much changed over the weeks… The stitches I had in my stomach got removed and it healed nicely. The scar I had was covered up by fur so you wouldn’t see it. But that didn’t really matter. It was like I was stuck in an endless cycle of loops and didn’t know how to get out of it. I talked to Rouge a lot… And I’m forever grateful that she was there for me. Blain wasn’t there for me. But… This time, I can understand… Blain started to isolate himself from the others as I got out. He was so heartbroken by breaking up with Shamara that nothing could really cheer him up. And everyone noticed he was changed dramatically by that…

As the days slowly passed by, I was starting to feel better. Not everything got solved, but it’s a start… The problem with me is that I always want to be there for the people who mean the most to me. But like Rouge said, “how can you take care of someone else if you don’t even take care of yourself?” I guess I was so caught up by everyone else’s problems and misery that I overlooked my own. And like I said, it just exploded one day with every consequence to think of. Being confused, doing things you normally wouldn’t do and just not be yourself. I was often scared by the things I did which I thought that would solve it but it only dragged me down even more. It seemed like a good idea at the time, often not thinking about it… The only reason to think of why I did it is that there was no reason I could think of… It’s so very difficult to put those things in the past but I have to if I wanna go on with my life. I wanted to be helped…

Then one evening, I was sitting at home kicking back with a cup of coffee… I noticed a drawing Cody made a few days ago. I picked it up and stared at it and he made a bird. Not just some scribbles on paper. In fact, it looked really good. And for some reason, I picked a pencil and a sheet of paper and began to draw the bird on another sheet of paper. It took me about 3 hours to get it right, and it closely resembles the one Cody made. I noticed it made me feel better… Then I knew the answer to my problem…

In just a week time I made 23 drawings… Getting better with every pencil flick and I drew all sorts of things… The lake, for example. Animals, scenery… I studied birds’ movement and tried to copy that on paper. And each time a drawing was done, I felt slightly better… Maybe it was because I put my thoughts and experiences on paper… But whatever it was, I was glad I finally found the answer after all those weeks… While Blain was the one who got left behind this time…

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