Chapter 19 - Preventing the biggest mistake...

That same evening I woke up. I wanted to clear my mind by taking a walk through the building. As I was walking, not a single thought ran through my mind, which was just what I needed. At some point, I reached the swimming pool and sat down on the edge. I let my paws down in the water and gently moved it around a bit. The water was just right… But then the whole thinking started again… I didn’t know what to think. And at some point, I heard footsteps behind me. I turned my head and saw a big posture of someone… I was startled for a bit…

Ceylan: Hey…! Hey…! Hey…! It’s me, Ceylan…!
Nicole: Oh… Hey… How’d you find me…?
Ceylan: I was gonna go for a snack, but then I noticed you… What are you doing here all by yourself…?
Nicole: *sighs*
Ceylan: Hm…?
Nicole: I don’t know what I’m doing right now, Ceylan…
Ceylan: Oh… Need some company…?
Nicole: If you don’t mind…
Ceylan: No, of course not…

So she sat down next to me, and let her paws down in the water as well… Her paws were big… Just like her hands…

Ceylan: So what’s up…?
Nicole: I eh…
Ceylan: Hm…?
Nicole: I got issues Ceylan… Like… A lot…
Ceylan: Well, who hasn’t…?
Nicole: I know but… Everyone else seems to deal with it… So… Why can’t I…?
Ceylan: Well, everyone got their own… “way” of dealing with their problems…

Then she looked at me with a frown…

Nicole: … You heard it……?
Ceylan: … How could I not hear it…?

I let my head down and closed my eyes…

Ceylan: … Not that there’s anything wrong with it but… I’m not in charge of you’re decisions…
Nicole: *sighs* I wish you were…
Ceylan: Is that what’s bothering you…?
Nicole: *nods*
Ceylan: … Well… Did you like it…?
Nicole: … *nods*
Ceylan: Then what’s the problem…?
Nicole: Because… It’s a wrong thing to do, you know… I mean… Look at me…
Ceylan: … Yeah, so…?
Nicole: *sighs*
Ceylan: What…? I don’t really see the problem…
Nicole: It’s because I’m a mother Ceylan…
Ceylan: Oh… Where’s your kid now…?
Nicole: She died… A-a long time ago…
Ceylan: Ooh… I’m sorry…
Nicole: Don’t be… At least she’s not experiencing what’s happening outside… I’m glad she doesn’t…
Ceylan: *nods*
Nicole: *sighs*
Ceylan: What about her father…?
Nicole: … He was one of the first victims out there…
Ceylan: …
Nicole: *sighs*
Ceylan: I’m sorry… I don’t really know what to say…
Nicole: It’s alright…
Ceylan: Heh… So… You’re having a hard time with it…?
Nicole: *nods* Yeah… Very hard… Blain was the kind of guy that could make every problem go away, you know… Just like that, as if it just vanished into thin air… He was like a remedy for my issues…

Ceylan: Sounds like you really loved him…
Nicole: *nods*
Ceylan: But that doesn’t make the problem go away…
Nicole: *shakes no*
Ceylan: Hm?
Nicole: That’s the exact problem…
Ceylan: Of what?
Nicole: The problem is that I don’t think it’s a problem at all while I should…
Ceylan: … I’m confused…
Nicole: I mean… I liked it… But I shouldn’t have…
Ceylan: Aah… I know what you mean… Kinda like eating cake while on a diet…
Nicole: … Yeah… Something like that… Although there’s a huge difference…
Ceylan: Yeah, the cake doesn’t get pregnant by the whipped cream…
Nicole: …
Ceylan: I’m sorry… I eh… I don’t really know what to say, I’m trying to make the atmosphere here less serious… Heh…
Nicole: It’s ok…
Ceylan: *sighs* I’m sorry I’m not much of a help though… I mean… I never really had a boyfriend and all that jazz… Let alone the “Pop the cherry” thing…

Nicole: Heh… Can I ask you something?
Ceylan: Sure, what’s up?
Nicole: What did you do before everything was a complete mess out there…?
Ceylan: I went to college.
Nicole: Oh?
Ceylan: Until one day, college blew up. Luckily, I wasn’t anywhere near… And… Ever since that, I’m wandering around… And eventually met Axel.

Nicole: What about you’re parents…? Do they know you’re here…?
Ceylan: Naah… I’m an orphan…

Nicole: Ooh… So… How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking…?
Ceylan: Twenty… How about you…?
Nicole: Hehe… I’m forty one…
Ceylan: … You are?
Nicole: Yup…
Ceylan: … You’re looking really good for you’re age…
Nicole: Thank you…
Ceylan: What’s you’re secret?
Nicole: … Getting plenty of rest at night and… Eat a lot of vegetables?
Ceylan: Vegetables??
Nicole: … Yeah…?
Ceylan: … Ew…
Nicole: *smiles*

It stayed silent for a moment…

Nicole: Ceylan…?
Ceylan: Yes…?
Nicole: … Can I stay with you tonight…?
Ceylan: Why is that…?
Nicole: Well… I eh… I need some time away from Terry… If you know what I mean…
Ceylan: Oh… Yeah, of course… You can stay… If you don’t mind sharing a bed though…
Nicole: *smiles* I don’t…

See, there it goes again. Making the same mistake again… Whether I’m too naïve, or too desperate, I don’t know. But I do know that I keep making mistakes over and over again. I’m not making the same mistake, but I’m making new ones… Maybe the effect of the mistake wasn’t visible right now, but at some point, I will regret it. Like every other choices and mistakes I made…

On the way to her room, it stayed quiet… I guess we were both very tired…

Nicole: Can I take a shower somewhere…?
Ceylan: Well, the girl’s locker room…
Nicole: Don’t you have a shower?
Ceylan: Yeah but it doesn’t work… I got towels for you…

And after she handed me some towels, I went to the girl’s locker room to take a shower. But… Truth be told, somewhere deep inside of me, I was hoping she would come along for some reason. Maybe because I was afraid to be alone or maybe it was for other reasons as well… I’m an emotional wreck, not knowing what the hell to do…

Taking a shower didn’t really help. I was scared. I didn’t want to be alone… I thought that the same would happen with Rico and that Terry thought way different of me now. That I can’t face him anymore. I don’t want to mess things up like I did a long time ago, and yet I can see everything happening again… What am I supposed to do…?

Taking a shower alone in such a large room really frightened me… I didn’t know why I became so afraid all of a sudden, but I wanted to get out… The feeling started when I entered the room, and got worse by the second… I took a really quick shower and didn’t even dry myself. I quickly got dressed and got out of the room and as I was walking back towards Ceylan’s room, I could hear screams and gunfire… I know it was all in my head, but the longer it lasted, the more real it became to me… And I started seeing things in poorly illuminated corridors… I picked up the pace and walked faster towards her room, as I could hear it getting louder… It felt like I was being stared at by hundreds of people, and while my mind told me to move on, I stopped and looked around… It felt like the air was getting thick and that I couldn’t breathe… The things I started seeing were terrifying… Like the shadows had a life of its own… They move from corner to corner and whisper at each other in the dark… At some point, I ran through the corridors as fast as I could, while I was petrified… And when I finally reached Ceylan’s room, her door was wide open and as soon as I got in, I closed the door and leaned against it… It took me a while to recover…

Ceylan: Back so soon…?
Nicole: *nods*
Ceylan: What’s wrong…? You look like you’ve seen a ghost…
Nicole: *pants* No, it’s nothing…
Ceylan: You sure…?
Nicole: *pants* Y-yeah…

After standing like that for a while, I just collapsed while I cried my eyes out… I didn’t know why, but I just had to. And all this time, Ceylan was looking at me. She got up and carried me towards her bed and placed me down on it. Then she sat on the edge…

Ceylan: What’s wrong with you Nicole…?
Nicole: *sobs* I don’t know Ceylan… I really don’t…
Ceylan: Hey… It’s ok…

She stroked her hand through my hair. It was all a bit awkward, because normally, an older person would comfort a younger one… But not in this case… She cuddled me as her hand still went through my hair and my head was leaning on her shoulder… It felt so comforting and familiar that I fell asleep after a while…

I woke up yet again that very same night… I felt much better now… I looked outside the window and saw the sun was coming up. The clouds were dark orange and gold, and the sky was light blue… It was still fairly dark, but everywhere the sun touches, it turned light blue. It was an amazing view on this cold autumn day… I was captivated by it…

Slowly, the sky turned light blue as darkness disappeared. I turned over on my side, and noticed Ceylan lying next to me, with her face towards me, asleep… I never had the guts to cuddle her, but I did now… So I cuddled her… She felt so warm and soft and as I gently took her hand and placed it in mine, it felt so familiar… I stroked her long brown hair as I kept on cuddling her… I took a good look at her face and realized how beautiful she was… It reminded me of Jayla who I was in love with a long time ago… And then I gently kissed her lips… At first, I was scared but… She didn’t wake up… I scratched her behind her ear as I cuddled her again and not long after that, I fell asleep again… What one doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt, right…?

The next day, I was feeling miserable… I noticed that Terry wasn’t perky like he always is, and that I had a hard time looking at him. I haven’t said much that same day, and although I noticed Terry looked at me every once in a while, I didn’t say anything to him. As evening fell again and everyone was asleep, I was thinking about everything. Maybe it was best for me and everyone else that I left. I wouldn’t live long on my own, and maybe that’s the reason I wanted to leave. For more then a month, the idea of me wanting to die became stronger, but that night... I finally tied the knot... I’m not committing suicide... But... There are other ways to accomplish it... So not long after that, I got up and grabbed my things…

Before I left, I went to Mahabi who was in a room alone. I wanted to see how he was doing… He still had a bloodstained bandage on his head, but he looked much better then 2 days ago… I stroked my hand through his black hair…

Nicole: Take care, Mahabi…… And… Good luck…… I wish you all the best……

As soon as I turned around to walk away, I felt he grabbed my hand. I was startled for a short moment, but when I turned around, he slowly opened his eyes…

Mahabi: Where ya going, Nic……? It sounded like a farewell……
Nicole: I have to go, Mahabi…… I can’t- I can’t stay here……
Mahabi: Why not……?
Nicole: *sighs* I eh…
Mahabi: What happened, Nicole……?
Nicole: Something… Something happened between Terry and me and… Ceylan…
Mahabi: …Who…?
Nicole: New girl…
Mahabi: Aah…
Nicole: … Mahabi…?
Mahabi: Yeah?
Nicole: Can I ask you something…?
Mahabi: … Sure……
Nicole: Is it… Is it a strange thing to… To long for your own death…?
Mahabi: … Why is that...?
Nicole: *sighs* Never mind...
Mahabi: So that’s it then…?
Nicole: *nods* Bottom line is… I think it’s best for everyone that I go…
Mahabi: … Hm. I wont stop you then. Good luck.

I looked at him and he shook his head. He stared in my eyes with a cold look and that point; I realized I had to go… So I left… But as soon as I got to the door…

Mahabi: It’s about you’re boyfriend, isn’t it…?

As soon as he said that, I stopped...

Nicole: *nods slowly*
Mahabi: And you want to die because of him, don’t you......?

I closed my eyes and sighed... It was like he was a psychic or something but... He was right...

Mahabi: I don’t have to know what happened with Terry or that... Ceylan girl but... I do know that if you walk away now, you’re the weakest link... In that case, I won’t stop you from going… But you’re not the weakest link… No one is… Neither is Terry, Lattei, Rachel, Ceylan girl, or whoever the hell joined us. IF you leave right now, not having the guts to speak up to whoever it is you messed up with, proves that you are weak...

Nicole: *sighs*

Mahabi: And you’re not weak… I heard what Terry said about what happened to you… I know you lost you’re daughter a long time ago… Maybe it seems like we don’t give a shoot about each other, Nicole, but we actually do. Just as much as you care for everyone else…

Nicole: But it’s so hard, Mahabi…

Mahabi: I know... Things aren’t being made easier… But remember… Death isn’t a punishment… It’s liberation… I think you’re boyfriend deserved it to be free after all the things you told me about him… And you… Don’t worry… You’re time will come… You’ll see… But not right now… Not like this… One day, you’ll be taken away from this world so that you don’t have sorrow and grieve anymore… That’s what I cling on to… That’s what keeps me going… I know I made it sound positive, but… Be honest with me… What do we have to loose…?

Deep down inside of me, I know he was right… It got me thinking about all the stuff that Blain went through his entire life and that right now, he was waiting for me somewhere. It sounds really corny, but Mahabi made me believe that… I turned around and sat on his bed… It stayed silent for a very long time...

Mahabi: You know, Nicole… Sometimes… In times of war… We forget the simple things. We’re… We’re too busy with fighting and trying to stay alive that we forget what it really is to be alive…

Nicole: … Yeah…
Mahabi: To breath air… To feel the wind on your face or the feeling when you touch water… I realized how lucky we actually are Nicole… And we do nothing with it…

Then he looked at me again, stared for a moment and stared outside the roof window to the dark blue sky…

Mahabi: Scientists are analyzing the stars, calculated their movements and mapped out the constellations for thousands of years… But they never realized how beautiful they really are by just looking at them… When I look up to them now, it’s like I’m seeing them for the very first time… And that’s something no one can take away from me ever again…

We sat there for a long time… We didn’t say anything, and to be honest, I didn’t really know what to say… The dark blue heaven slowly turned pitch black while we could see more and more stars… One by one, they slowly came out of there slumber and illuminated the pitch black sky…

I was captivated by the sight… It was really beautiful to see it, even though it’s not the first time I’ve seen the stars… At some point, I looked to my right and saw Mahabi fell asleep… Then I just sat back and looked all the way up, gazing at the stars… For some reason, I thought about what Mahabi said and I felt ashamed to realize that… I too, was seeing the stars for the very first time… And I was really grateful to Mahabi… Not because he prevented me from making the biggest mistake of my life, but for the oppertunity to open my eyes...And I couldn't resist but to smile...

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