Chapter 27 - No one...

Two weeks passed by since that day… And the situation didn’t get any better the day we left the church… It only got worse… Temperatures dropped… The days became shorter… The nights were long and freezing and you could see the whole “road trip” idea that Terry considered it to be was fading away as each new day, we were confronted with the harsh truth… The deserted towns that were littered with dead bodies, burning ruins and mangled wrecks were seen every day. It got me wondering how this massive war “exploded” so all of a sudden, leaving millions of casualties in just a few months… And more importantly, why…? [br]
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For more then 13 days, we walked through the blistering cold, while we didn’t find any shelter. The nights were even worse… We passed by towns that were completely in ruins and not a single building was left standing… Then at some point, the towns stopped coming and there was only grass open plains with forests…[br]
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The nights we slept in the open weren’t that pleasant… Sure, it was beautiful to see the snow on the trees at night, but sleeping… We dressed ourselves as warm as possible during the nights with the clothes we found on the way and made fires to keep us warm. At first, it was really nice having a little fire, but as soon as it died out, you could feel how your bones slowly turned cold again. And waking up the next morning… You could feel barely anything at all… What’s worse was that food and water was running low… At some point, we all had to split just one loaf of bread together and although it didn’t seem much, I was happy with it. It satisfied my hunger. I lost a lot of weight in those days… [br]
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But on the night of day 13, everything took a turn for the worst. Everyone was so exhausted by the cold and hunger, demoralisation got worse by the day and not to mention the worries and the things we experienced… And maybe it’s because we lost one on the way… No one ever gave a thought that it was possible for us to die on the way but… It was possible… [br]
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I was asleep that night, on thick blankets, all covered up, trying to warm myself up… And I fell asleep… But many hours later, I woke up by the sounds of yelling that seemed to get louder and louder… As I slowly opened my eyes, I noticed Mahabi and Ceylan having a fight… And I noticed she had tears in her eyes… [br]
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Mahabi: -in the middle of fracking nowhere; freezing our asses off and you wanna go back?!! Are you out of your fracking mind?!! [br]
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Ceylan: Don’t you see?!! This is getting us nowhere!! It would have been better if we stayed there!! This is fracking hopeless!! [br]
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Mahabi: And do what once we get there?!! Freeze our asses off inside the houses?!! Starve to death?!! Wait until we get attacked and one of us dies again?!! What happened to Terry is a good example of why we can’t stay in one place!! [br]
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Ceylan: It’s because moving away from the problem doesn’t make it go away!! What if we reach Azerbaijan and find out it is just another city in ruins like every other fracking city on the fracking planet?!! Then what?!! [br]
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Mahabi: Axel, talk some sense into her, for fracks sake!! [br]
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I stared at Axel for a moment while I still pretended to be asleep… Axel closed his eyes and got out a blade from under his jacket and wipes it… [br]
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Axel: … You both point out something… Going back isn’t an option but we can’t stay here either… All we can do is to keep moving on… Mahabi’s right on that… But what if we get there and discover the city is most likely in ruins, like Ceylan pointed out..? Then what…? [br]
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Mahabi: Then we’ll figure something else!! Then at least we tried it!![br]
Ceylan: I still think it’s a bad idea to go… [br]
Mahabi: You wanna take unnecessary risks to go so that we all die on the way back?!! [br]
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Ceylan: I’m saying that because you’re fixating your hopes on some place that miraculously can take away all your problems!!! It’s NOT for frack’s sake, don’t you realize?!! [br]
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Mahabi: Terry said that-!![br]
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Ceylan: Terry!! Was a friend of mine too!!! [br]
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I noticed from the corners of my eyes that she stood in front of Mahabi, clenching her teeth as she tried to hold her tears. But she couldn’t. I saw how tears rolled down her face as she was looking angry at Mahabi… [br]
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Mahabi: Fine. Go back then. I don’t give a frack… [br]
Ceylan: … How the hell could you say something like that…? [br]
Mahabi: Because you make it sound like it’s every man for himself now!! We stick together, no matter what!! But sure, abandon us!! Die somewhere out there alone!! What the hell are you waiting for?!! frack off already, you country matters!! [br]
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At that point, Ceylan smacked Mahabi in his face really hard… I jumped up immediately when I saw that… Mahabi felt down on the ground and they started fighting for a short moment… They were really serious… The fight was escalating rapidly to the point that blood was flowing… And because Ceylan was way bigger and stronger then Mahabi, Ceylan managed to grab Mahabi’s neck and pinned him down on the ground… Axel didn’t do anything. He just stood there, looking at his blade and kept on wiping it… Ceylan stared coldly in Mahabi’s eyes for a while as the tears were still rolling down her face… [br]
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Mahabi: You wanna kill me…? Go ahead; I’ll be the second… [br]
Ceylan: It doesn’t matter if you die here, in Azerbaijan, or back there… We need-[br]
Lattei: Yeah, you’re right! [br]
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Then we all looked at Lattei… [br]
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Ceylan: What…? [br]
Lattei: It doesn’t matter… At some point, we’ll all die! *laughs* [br]
Mahabi: … The hell are you talking about…? [br]
Lattei: It’s inevitable that we die. No one escapes from it… BUT!! We do however, have the choice… On how to die… It is the choices YOU make… *points finger at Ceylan* That will make all the differences… Its called destiny… *hics*[br]
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Ceylan: … Have you been drinking…? [br]
Lattei: Yes!! Yes, I admit I did!! Because it takes away the cold and problems!! *smashes bottle to the ground*[br]
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Nicole: … Where’d you get the booze…? [br]
Lattei: … I… Smuggled… Some bottles when we were in Remington… [br]
Mahabi: … You’re drunk…? [br]
Lattei: I might be… I honestly can not tell the difference… But!! Let’s not forget the issue here, my dear friends![br]
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Ceylan: *sighs* [br]
Lattei: ‘Pulvis et umbra sumus ab imo pectore semper fidelus’…[br]
All: … [br]
Lattei: “We are nothing but shadows and dust, but from the bottom of my heart, I will always be faithful”…[br]
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Ceylan: … Faithful to what…? [br]
Lattei: Now that, my dear fluffy furry feline friend… Is a very good question… Will you stay faithful to the path that has been drawn out for you…? Or do you choose to make one instead…? Remember that every choice you make… Alters your destiny… Going back and die…? Staying here and die…? Or move on and die…? It doesn’t matter… But if you go on… You might have chosen the right thing… Because we both know… That here and back there… Is nothing but emptiness… You don’t know if Azerbaijan is nothing but shadows and dust… [br]
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Ceylan: *sighs* [br]
Lattei: Now get off of my cousin; you’re giving him a boner… *hics* [br]
Mahabi: Well, I don’t know, I kinda like it- [br]
Ceylan: What?!! frack you, Mahabi!! [br]
Lattei: Why can’t we all just get alooooooooong?!! *hics*[br]
Ceylan: You’re fracking rat arsed… [br]
Lattei: *hics* I might be, but at least I stopped the fighting… Someone who’s drunk has more common sense then you two… *grins*[br]
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Then Ceylan and Mahabi looked at each other and knew he was right… So Ceylan got off of Mahabi as she helped him getting up… I looked at Mahabi and Ceylan and they both stared at each other again. Just because the fighting stopped didn’t mean everything was fine and dandy. They both glared at each other as if they could fight again any time, but Ceylan walked passed us and isolated herself as she got down on the ground to catch some sleep again. And well, Mahabi sat down next to Axel… [br]
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Nicole: Nice move, Lattei… *smiles*[br]
Lattei: *nods* [br]
Nicole: … Damn, your breath stinks… [br]
Lattei: That maybe so, my marsupial companion, but drunken people always tell the truth… [br]
Nicole: … What truth? [br]
Lattei: … That you have a really… Really big nose… And it’s winking at me… [br]
Nicole: … Just… Stop it. [br]
Lattei: Aye. [br]
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Waking up the next morning, I felt my whole body turned numb by the cold… We got up and walked, and walked, and walked… Then walked some more… I didn’t really know what the hell we were doing. It felt like we were going in circles like a bunch of sheep that got lost in a meadow. And the situation didn’t really got any better since last night… Ceylan and Mahabi didn’t talked to each other, and when they did, they only had arguments. Lattei looked like a mess and had a lot of trouble to move forward. And well, Axel never really said much, and Rachel… Well… She didn’t understand what was going on… And then I felt as if I was the only sane person… Things weren’t as they used to be… I could notice that the group I have been travelling with for so many months slowly started to grow apart. And I didn’t really know why… While we were walking, I kept on thinking about what happened… But it only made me more depressed then I already was… And well… Terry… I just miss him so much… Ever since he died, no one laughed or joked anymore… And that was the only thing that cheered me up a bit… Everyone was just… Changed… To the point you didn’t recognized anyone you’ve been together for so many months… And that was scary… [br]
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After walking for a very long time, Lattei suddenly stopped. We didn’t notice he fell behind until we looked back…[br]
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Ceylan: Lattei, you coming or what? [br]
Lattei: Look… [br]
Nicole: … Where? [br]
Lattei: Just over there, behind the trees… [br]
All: …[br]
Axel: I don’t see anything… [br]
Ceylan: You’ve been sipping booze again, Lattei…? [br]
Lattei: No… Look closer… [br]
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I stared in the distance to the location that Lattei pointed out. I thought I saw black smoke going up… [br]
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Nicole: Smoke…? [br]
Lattei: Yeah… [br]
Mahabi: … Where there’s smoke-[br]
Lattei: There’s civilisation. [br]
Mahabi: … I was gonna say “fire”, but civilisation will do just fine. [br]
Ceylan: What the hell you’re waiting for then?![br]
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We picked up the pace towards the place where we saw the smoke coming from… As soon as we got closer, we noticed it was an interstate with a lot of vehicles, as if it was a traffic jam… We didn’t see any humans but nevertheless, we were being cautious… We got as low as we could and hid behind the concrete barrier… We peeked over it to see if anyone was there… And there were a lot of humans… Except they were all dead… On the road, in their vehicles, everywhere… I could see in the distance that there were smouldering wrecks… And it’s kind of strange to stand on an interstate with so many cars and dead bodies… Then Axel yelled that he found food, and then everyone raided the cars and the luggage to see if anything was edible… We were absolutely starving and we ate anything we could find. We were literally stuffing ourselves with food… And well, seeing that everyone was getting stuffed and regained energy, the mood got brightened up… We sat on the roofs of the vehicles while we were eating… [br]
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Axel: This is nice… [br]
Mahabi: *nods* [br]
Nicole: Yeah… Who would have thought we’d be having lunch at an interstate…? [br]
Lattei: I didn’t… But I’m not complaining… Hehe…[br]
Ceylan: How’s your head doing…? [br]
Lattei: … It’s still on my shoulders, if that’s what you mean. [br]
Ceylan: … No hang over? [br]
Lattei: … No. Why? [br]
Ceylan: Because… Last night you were really rat-arsed…[br]
Lattei: Yeah but- [br]
Rachel: *gasps* Look! [br]
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Then Rachel jumped off the roof and ran off not too far from where we sat… She stopped and looked up… What we saw was a destroyed road sign… Pieces of it were missing but it wasn’t the sign itself that caught our attention… It caught our attention of what it said… “Azerba-“ and the last A was cut in half… But we all knew it said Azerbaijan… We all looked at each other and you could see that everyone had a big smile on their faces… We just randomly hugged each other and laughed, knowing that we were close to our goal… I couldn’t be more relieved… After months of walking, we were finally getting close… So after we quickly finished up eating and took a lot of food with us, we continued, following the road… [br]
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We walked for fifteen minutes… Thirty minutes… Forty five minutes… An hour… An hour and a half… And still no road sign… [br]
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Ceylan: I can’t move on, guys… I- I need to rest… I don’t feel so good… [br]
Mahabi: We rested an hour and a half ago!! Come on!! It’s not that far anymore! [br]
Ceylan: *shakes head* [br]
Nicole: … What’s wrong…? [br]
Ceylan: I don’t know… I’m feeling like this ever since last night but… It- It’s getting worse… [br]
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I noticed she was sweating on her forehead, and when I touched her forehead, I felt she was really warm… [br]
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Nicole: … I think you got a fever… [br]
Ceylan: *sighs* Oh great… L-Let’s just go… [br]
Mahabi: Yeah. [br]
Nicole: No. She needs to rest… [br]
Lattei: Yeah. And besides, it’s getting dark. We need a place to stay for the night anyway…[br]
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Mahabi: Where the hell do you want to spend the night…? [br]
Lattei: Look around you… [br]
Mahabi: Oh no… [br]
Lattei: *nods* [br]
Mahabi: … Oh no! Oh ho, no, no, no, no! Noooooo…[br]
Lattei: … What?![br]
Mahabi: There’s no fracking way I’m spending the night in a corpse infested interstate in some vehicle!! frack no!! [br]
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Lattei: … Fine, you stay outside then. [br]
Nicole: I’ll eh… Stay with Ceylan. [br]
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Then Lattei walks off as Rachel followed him. He opens the door of the front passenger seat of a vehicle and Rachel jumped right in… Then Axel got in the same vehicle, but took place behind the driver’s seat as Lattei got in the back… Luckily, there were no corpses in there… I looked at Mahabi and smiled at him, as he smiled back… [br]
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Mahabi: Go for it… [br]
Nicole: *nods and smiles* [br]
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Then we walked off to the vehicle behind them and Ceylan and I got in the back… [br]
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Mahabi: Shove over!! [br]
Lattei: Get that backpack out of my face!! [br]
Mahabi: Sit upright!! You’re hogging up all the space! [br]
Lattei: Get this damn backpack out of my face, fool!! [br]
Rachel: Ssssssssssh… I can’t sleep when you’re talking so loud… [br]
Mahabi: … Sleeping?[br]
Rachel: Can you tell me a story…? [br]
Lattei: Alright. Once upon a time, there was this hedgehog. And the hedgehog had a cousin WHO STILL DIDN’T GOT RID OF HIS DAMNED BACKPACK!!! [br]
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Mahabi: … [br]
Lattei: *throws backpack to the front and slaps the back of Mahabi’s head* Much better. [br]
Mahabi: The slap wasn’t necessary… [br]
Axel: Oh wow… [br]
Lattei/Mahabi: What? [br]
Axel: This is amazing… Look… It has a key… [br]
Rachel: You’re supposed to turn it once! *turns key* [br]
Axel: Whoa, whoa, whoa!! The hell is happening?!! [br]
Rachel: … The battery is turned on now which makes every electronic device in the car work… [br]
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Axel: But it blows air! [br]
Rachel: Yes, warm air… To keep us warm you know… [br]
Axel: … Are you a mechanic…? [br]
Rachel: … No… [br]
Axel: … How old are you…? [br]
Rachel: … I’m only six… [br]
Axel: You’re highly intelligent for someone of your age, you know that…? [br]
Rachel: … Everyone knows that… [br]
Axel: … Humans are so complicated… [br]
Lattei: You don’t go out much, do you, Axel…? [br]
Axel: … *turns on windshield wipers* The hell I just do?!! What is that?! [br]
Rachel: … Windshield wipers… It makes the rain go away… [br]
Axel: … Amazing… *follows windshield wipers movements*[br]
Lattei: … I need a drink. [br]
Mahabi: I second that… *sighs*[br]
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I took off Ceylan’s shoe’s and gave her a lot of water to drink… Also, I got out a t-shirt and soaked it with water to place it on her forehead. [br]
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Nicole: You alright now…? [br]
Ceylan: *nods* [br]
Nicole: Okay… [br]
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I leaned against her as I felt she was touching my hand… This weird feeling went through my stomach and I was scared for a bit… But it felt so good that I couldn’t remove my hand… But she moved her hand away instead… It stayed quiet for a while as I thought things over… I know I once said that I would never tell her how I feel about her. I also know that I once said that I don’t wanna regret things anymore… And now would it be the perfect moment to tell her… I might regret that later, but I will certainly regret it if I never tried to tell her… So I thought up of a way to bring it up slowly… [br]
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Nicole: Ceylan…? [br]
Ceylan: Yeah…? [br]
Nicole: Do you ever wonder why… Being truly honest can be a really hard thing to do…? [br]
Ceylan: Yeah… Why’d you ask…? [br]
Nicole: Because… [br]
Ceylan: … Hm…? [br]
Nicole: Because I think I finally found the answer to my issues… And… It’s… It’s really hard to confront myself and to deal with it… [br]
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Ceylan: What’s wrong then…? [br]
Nicole: I’-I’ve always been dependent on others… For better or worse… I’d like to cling on to someone who makes me feel better… I had that with Blain for a very long time… And Terry… And… [br]
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Ceylan: … And…? [br]
Nicole: And… Being with Terry made me change the way I think… [br]
Ceylan: You mean the night you slept with him…? [br]
Nicole: *nods*[br]
Ceylan: How so…? [br]
Nicole: We’ve seen and shared so many sorrows and grieve… And when you see someone now, they either hate or they are totally devastated by their own sorrows… And… I realized that… You have to take every opportunity if someone shows you affection… Even if it’s just a little bit… [br]
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Ceylan: Yes but… Whadda ya mean with “change the way I think”…?[br]
Nicole: It doesn’t matter if a girl loves a guy, or a guy likes another guy, or a girl kisses another girl… As long as you love each other, that’s all there’s to it… It’s so simple yet people have a hard time with it… Love is something that has a whole lot of meanings… It can be from a simple hug to truly loving them from the bottom of your heart… [br]
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Then it stayed silent for a while… [br]
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Ceylan: … What’s it like, Nic…? [br]
Nicole: What’s what like…? [br]
Ceylan: To be truly loved by someone… Like you loved Blain… [br]
Nicole: *sighs* It’s nothing more but a painful memory now… But… It was wonderful… For twenty three years, I had all I ever wanted… And… No matter how many times I talk about his loss, it’s not making me feel better nor does it bring him back… [br]
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Ceylan: … Is that why you slept with Terry……? [br]
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Nicole: … Maybe… I don’t know… It just happened… But for a short time, I felt what it was like to be loved again… I wouldn’t do it again, but I would do everything to keep that feeling… It gives you hope in times of sorrow… But what I did with Terry shouldn’t have happened… It wasn’t fair towards him, because he felt the exact same way as I… And I was already feeling guilty but… Now that he’s not here anymore, I’m feeling even guiltier then I already felt… Not just because of Terry, but because it’s something I couldn’t do towards Blain and Kaelyn… But… It happened… [br]
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Ceylan: Hey… [br]
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I felt how her soft fluffy paw reached out to my hand… And that same feeling was rushing through my stomach… I tried to keep that feeling as long as possible and cherished it… But for some reason, I couldn’t face her, even though I wanted to… [br]
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Ceylan: Don’t blame yourself here, alright…? Things will be ok… Trust me… They’ll understand… [br]
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Nicole: *nods* [br]
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It stayed silent for a while… [br]
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Nicole: Do you understand Ceylan…? [br]
Ceylan: Understand what…? [br]
Nicole: Why it’s so hard to love someone you know for sure doesn’t love you the way you want it to be…? [br]
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Ceylan: Heh… [br]
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She looked at me with a smile… I didn’t really get her… [br]
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Nicole: What…? [br]
Ceylan: I always knew about you, you know… [br]
Nicole: Wh-What are you t-talking about…? [br]
Ceylan: Terry told me you liked me… And… That it went deeper than that… [br]
Nicole: He did……? [br]
Ceylan: Yes… [br]
Nicole: *sighs* I eh… [br]
Ceylan: Hey… It’s ok… [br]
[br]
Then she grabbed my hand again while her other hand went through my hair… Each and every second that lasted, was cherished and remembered… I wish she could keep doing that for eternity… Then I knew the answer of what she was gonna say… [br]
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Nicole: You mean……? [br]
Ceylan: … No…… I’m sorry Nicole… I really like you, I truly do… But… I don’t like you the way you like me… I’m sorry, Nic… [br]
[br]
At that moment, it seemed as if my whole world shattered to thousands of pieces once again… And… I always knew that there was a possibility that she wouldn’t like me in the way I wanted it to be but… Knowing for sure was a direct stab in my heart… And it really hurt… I was so shattered by that, that I had a very hard time holding back my tears… [br]
Then I thought to myself that it was a mistake to have brought it up… And the list of regrets kept on growing…[br]
[br]
Ceylan: But… That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore… Right……? [br]
Nicole: *nods slowly* I… I rather have you as a friend then… Not having you at all… I’-I’m sorry… I’m sorry that I brought it up… Just… Forget it… I’m sorry…… I truly am… [br]
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Ceylan: Hey… It’s ok… [br]
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I looked at Ceylan for a very long time… And I remembered all the things she made me feel… Like the time I showered with her… The nights I spend next to her… The things she made me feel when I was sad… No… I wasn’t planning to give up that quick… So I moved my head closer to hers… [br]
[br]
Ceylan: Are you ok…? [br]
Nicole: … [br]
Ceylan: Hmm…? [br]
Nicole: Ceylan…? [br]
Ceylan: Yeah…? [br]
Nicole: Have you ever kissed a guy before…? [br]
Ceylan: … Yeah…?[br]
Nicole: And… What did you feel when you kissed him…? [br]
Ceylan: … I don’t really know how to describe it… [br]
[br]
It stayed silent again for a long time as I kept staring at in her eyes… She looked away every now and then, but her eyes always got back into mine… And at some point… I couldn’t hold it anymore… I kissed her… And felt that pleasant feeling rushing through my stomach and exploded all over my body… It felt all tingly and every body part felt really sensitive as I was still holding on to her hand… I wish it could have lasted longer but it didn’t… But that’s alright… [br]
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Nicole: … It’s not anymore different when you kiss a guy… [br]
Ceylan: … I eh… [br]
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She looked really startled to say the least but didn’t say anything… And neither did I… It stayed silent for a long time again…[br]
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Meanwhile… [br]
[br]
Lattei: D-Did Nicole just kissed Ceylan?! [br]
Axel: What?!! [br]
Mahabi: You’ve been watching them?! [br]
Lattei: … Yeah of course I did!! [br]
Mahabi: And they say I’m a pervert… [br]
Lattei: Oh, this is great! [br]
Axel: They kissed?! [br]
Lattei: Yeah!! [br]
Axel: … Is that even legal for them to do?![br]
Mahabi: Axel, you killed people and you’re asking if a kiss is legal…? Come on, it’s not a big deal… [br]
[br]
Lattei: Two girls are kissing each other and you’re saying it’s not a big deal?!! [br]
Mahabi: No, it’s not. Come on, leave them be. [br]
Lattei: I think I know what the deal is here… [br]
Mahabi: … [br]
Lattei: … You don’t like girls… [br]
Mahabi: What the hell are yo-[br]
Lattei: Nooooooooo, it’s perfectly ok!! There’s nothing wrong with having different feelings towards- [br]
[br]
Mahabi: Dude, you’re saying I’m gay?!! What the hell!!! I’m not!! [br]
Lattei: I think someone needs a hug… [br]
Mahabi: Yeah, well, I think you’re fracking rat-arsed again… [br]
Lattei: Aye… Axel, you better watch out tonight. [br]
Axel: *gets out blade and stares angry at Mahabi* [br]
Mahabi: Dude, get rid of the fracking blade. He’s only kidding. [br]
[br]
Lattei: *laughs* This is priceless… [br]
Mahabi: Will you stop looking at them?! Give them some privacy for fracks sake!! [br]
[br]
It stayed silent for a very long time… Maybe it was a mistake to kiss her… She didn’t even look at me anymore… I wanted to find out what she was thinking so… I tried to break the silence… [br]
[br]
Nicole: It’s getting cold…… [br]
Ceylan: Yeah… [br]
Nicole: *sighs* I didn’t know why I did that… I’m sorry… It won’t happen again… I promise… [br]
[br]
Then all of a sudden, she did something I wasn’t expecting at all… She placed an arm around my shoulder and pressed me against her, holding me close… Her paw reached out to my hand again and I felt as if I could float away any second… Nothing happened anymore that night… I didn’t know if she liked the kiss but… I could see she wasn’t startled anymore… I cherished it, along with every other memory I have from her… And she was still right next to me… It didn’t matter to me if she was startled... She knows now… I kissed her… And there was no one in the world who could take that moment away from me ever again…[br]
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