Chapter 31 - Unforgotten burdens

I thought that Jarod wouldn’t return… Half an hour passed by without seeing him. And even though I had little faith that Blain was walking through those doors any time now, I was still nervous for some reason… And I didn’t know why. I knew all too well he couldn’t be here, and yet something inside of me told me to wait and see. There wasn’t anything else I could do any way, but… Vilani kept looking at me and it was as if she felt how nervous I was… And than, all of a sudden…

Blain: The frack is wrong you, Jarod?! You’re mistak-
Vilani: Sarge…
Blain: What?!

I saw a hedgehog standing at the door who looked a lot like Blain, accompanied by Jarod. The hedgehog stood dead in its tracks as it stared at me with wide eyes… Then it slowly got closer and placed a hand on my cheek… And I kept staring with disbelieve at the hedgehog who was staring back at me… And I didn’t know what to think…

There was a woman on a stretcher who resembled my beloved Nicole a lot… The fact that she looked a lot like her didn’t mean I knew who she was… She couldn’t be… And yet she was there on a stretcher in front staring at me with wide eyes… I just stood there looking at her… The longer I stared, the more freaked out she seemed to get… I wanted to comfort her and be sure if it really was her… I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing… And I didn’t know what to think…

Nicole: … N-No… You’re not Blain… Y-You can’t be…
Blain: Nic…?
Nicole: N-no… G-Get away from me…! Y-You can’t be h-him…!
Blain; I-It’s you… Nicole……?!
Nicole: Get away from me…!!

That hedgehog came closer in the mean time… He reached out his arms but I got so frightened all of a sudden that I wanted to get away from him… In the sudden burst of panic I felt, I fell off the stretcher and landed on the ground face down… I was too weak to get up off the ground and run away, so I gathered all of my strength to crawl away. But I couldn’t go anywhere… Just this corner I thought would be the safest place to be… But I was wrong… He got closer once again by taking small steps and stared at me with those wide eyes again… I curled myself up for some reason in the corner, as if that was the only thing that could make him go away… But he didn’t go… Instead, he kneeled before me… And he held me… I tried to get free from his grip by punching and kicking, but that didn’t really seem to have any effect… I guess I was too weak to get free from him… Instead, he only clenched on me even tighter as I felt a tear hitting my shoulder…

Nicole: *sobs* Leave me alone…! Leave me alone…!! Please…!
Blain: It’s me…! It really is me, Nic…! Sssh… Sshh, it’s ok… It’s ok, Nic…

Why she didn’t recognize me straight away is something I will never know… But I do know, the fact that I thought she died a long time, and holding her right now in my arms was strange for me too… It must have felt strange for her too. But I knew she was here, right in my arms… The moment I looked at her eyes, I saw right away that it was her… I don’t know how she survived, or how she got here, but the fact is, she’s here, and that was the only thing that mattered to me that evening… I let my hand go through her hair and kept on assuring it was alright… That it really was me who was holding her, and not someone else… That I was alive… But that didn’t meant it felt natural to me… I don’t know what it was, but I felt so awkward holding her after all those months, thinking she died at the Deberan siege… And yet she was here… After sitting like that for a while, she finally calmed down… I let go of her, placed my hands on her cheeks and gently made her face me…

Blain: Ssh… It’s alright… Look at me… Look at me, Nic… It’s me… Blain… It’s alright sweety… Ssssh…

And after a moment of hesitation, she looked me in the eyes… And I’ll never forget what I saw that evening… The moment she stared in my eyes, I could see she was so tired…

As I looked the hedgehog in his eyes, I noticed he had dark blue eyes… And those eyes told a story… A story of what he experienced throughout his life… The struggles he faced… The difficult decisions he had to make throughout his life… But I could also see a sparkle of hope… The good things he experienced… And I realized I was part of that… I placed my hands on his cheeks as I was captivated by those eyes… My hands were going through his quills as he gently wiped the tears out of my eyes… I closed my eyes for a short moment, and the moment I opened them, I stared in those dark blue eyes again… Then slowly, everything came back… With every gentle stroke over his quills, the more familiar it began to feel… I touched his scar on his chest… Gently wiped the scar near his right eye… I took off his glove and placed his hand into mine… As soon as I looked him in the eyes again, I knew it was him… He was gently wiping the tears out of my face again… And that’s when I knew I had to hold him close and never let go of him again… I clenched my arms around him and cried my eyes out, for finally holding him again after all these months… I felt how he was shaking a bit until he too clenched his arms around me again, crying his eyes out…

How long have we been holding each other…? I have no idea… I saw the cuts she had in her face and wondered what happened to her… This wasn’t the time to ask… She was so upset… And basically, I didn’t know what to do now… For months, I thought she wasn’t here anymore and all of a sudden, she showed up… She showed up the moment the war has ended for us. I cant remember the days I felt so fortunate as that particular evening, and seeing her desperately clenching and holding me like that has made an impact on me. For months I’ve been crying over her, and now I’m crying because I’m with her again… Things didn’t made any sense but I didn’t cared… I was with her again… I felt how all of my thoughts and worries floated off the longer I was holding her…

Blain: Rico……?
Rico: Yes, sir…?
Blain: Does she need to stay here… Or…
Rico: She can come with you, sure, if that what she wants… Other then the cuts on her faces, she’s perfectly fine…

Blain: *nods slowly*
Rico: She needs to check in every day at the sickbay to let those cuts taken care of… It might get infected if it stays open like that so… Be sure to check in every day… Also, make sure she gets plenty of rest…

Blain: Alright… Thanks Rico…
Rico: Hehe, I wish you two the best of luck… Take care…

It stayed silent for a long time again as we both saw the coyote walking off… I closed my eyes and rest my head on Blain’s shoulder while I was still holding him close… And it seemed as if there wasn’t an end to the tears flowing down our faces… I felt the urge to say something to him, but I didn’t really know what… It was difficult to talk to him for some reason… He holds the back of my head and whispered how much he loved me and that everything is gonna be alright…

Nicole: *sobs* I-I love you so much, Blain……
Blain: *sobs* I love you too, Nic…… It’s all over now…… We’ll settle somewhere alone where we can spend the rest our days together, I quit the army…… I’ll do anything to keep you with me… We’re still growing old together, like you once said……

Nicole: Things were so hard, Blain……
Blain: I know…… I know…… But it’s all over now…… You alright……?
Nicole: I still can’t believe you’re here…
Blain: Hehe… Then I guess you can’t believe who else is here…
Nicole: … Who…?
Blain: … Follow me… *weak smile*

I helped her to get up from the ground by reaching out a hand after I got up… She took my hand and I pulled her up. She seemed so tired and weak, and walking seemed really difficult for her. I supported her as her arm went over my shoulders and I held her close… And so, we walked out of the sickbay… Together… Which was something I never thought I would ever do again… Just a simple thing like walking together… It felt so awkward yet I felt happy… We looked at each other once we were walking together and that’s when, I think, we both truly realized it… Sorrow, anger and misunderstandings got replaced by overwhelming happiness and love as we looked each other in the eyes… Once we left the sickbay, it felt as if we left our sorrows and grieve behind in the sickbay… And once we got out of the doors, the only thing we felt was happiness…

Vilani: *holds Jarod’s hand*
Jarod: *looks at Vilani*
Vilani: *smiles weakly*
Jarod: Heh… Look at them…
Vilani: Heh…
Jarod: Miracles do happen…
Vilani: … If only Regan was here to see this…… *sighs*
Jarod: … Yeah…… *stares at Vilani*
Vilani: … What’s wrong……?
Jarod: Nothing…… *smiles*
Vilani: *sighs*
Jarod: … How you holding up……?
Vilani: I don’t know… I got really mixed feelings right now… I’m happy for the both of them but… Regan and… Keaton… *sighs*

Jarod: … Wanna talk about it…?
Vilani: No… I rather want to be alone…
Jarod: … Alright… If you… wanna… Talk… You know where to find me…
Vilani: Hey… Don’t look so glum, Jarod… I’ll be alright… Go and have a pint with Shifty and the others and celebrate… I’ll catch up with you guys later…

Jarod: You sure…?
Vilani: Yeah… *strokes Jarod’s cheek*
Jarod: Hm…?
Vilani: You’re a really sweet guy, Jarod… I hope you realize that…
Jarod: *nods slowly*
Vilani: *smiles weakly*
Jarod: Alright…

As soon Jarod got out of the sickbay, Vilani closed her eyes as a tear was running down her face… It didn’t take long before she let her feelings express themselves in tears…

Blain and I were walking slowly through an enormous corridor. Every once in a while, I saw massive thick steel plated doors, with a small device next to it to punch in a code and a slot to swipe a keycard through. The place looked highly advanced with sorts of technological stuff and advanced security precautions. Each massive door differ according to security. One door had a plate on it that said “COMScann” and didn’t really seem easy to get in. Along the keycard and the control panel to punch in some numbers, there was also something that looked like a fingerprint analyzer and an iris scan. Once we got through the massive doors, and turned right in another corridor, I saw the showers that resembled a lot like those high school ones, and the soldier’s quarters where they slept. After the long corridor, we reached yet again some doors, we came in this massive hallway that looked like a cafeteria of some sort. Except there was no one… It was very silent as we heard our footsteps echoing…

Nicole: … Where’s everyone…?
Blain: Eh… The base is divided in two sections… This is where the soldiers stay and eat and… The other section is for the refugees… There are rooms there, where you can sleep, eat and shower… It basically got everything you need… And hopefully, we’ll be out soon and continue our lives…

Nicole: Yeah…

Then after taking a few turns around a corner, we came through these massive doors again… And the closer we got, the louder it became. It sounded like… People cheering and laughing and crying and everything… Once we got through those doors… There was a gigantic room where literally thousands of people seemed to be celebrating something… And it was amazing to see so many people happy… For months, I haven’t encountered many people and all of a sudden, I saw so many of them… It was amazing to see… And as we were walking through the crowds, I noticed so many things… Countless of furries, ranging from size, colour and species… Humans… Old ones, young ones… Some people got reunited after being separated for such a long time, while others had sorrow over the ones they lost… And it was so amazing to see… I kept on asking Blain who it was he mentioned earlier. He said that I couldn’t believe who was here as well. I really didn’t know… But he didn’t answered it and kept on having a huge smile on his face… And well, seeing everyone being happy made me smile as well… He looked for someone in the crowd and after a long time… We finally found it… Blain said to wait for a moment, so I waited… After a while, I heard a very familiar voice, but I couldn’t determine who it was… Then all of a sudden, I saw her… Amy… She looked at me for a short moment until she put her arms around and kissed my forehead and cheeks… She rest her head on my shoulders as I heard her crying… And well, everything started all over again… I couldn’t hold myself either… I was so glad to see her well…

Amy: It’s so good to see you, Nic……
Nicole: I missed you so much……
Amy: I missed you……

I took a good look at her face again and wiped the tears out of her eyes… And I just couldn’t believe it… People I thought were dead came alive so all of a sudden… First Blain, then Amy… And if that wasn’t enough, I noticed Blain was walking towards us, supporting someone else… And then I noticed that someone was Sonic… But there was something different about Sonic… I stood right in front of him and he wasn’t even looking at me… But as I took a closer look, I noticed his eyes were all mat and pale… And then I realized Sonic was blind… Blain took Sonic’s hands and guided them to my face… And all of a sudden, his eyes widened…

Sonic: … N-Nicole…?

Then I took his hands and held them in mine…

Nicole: Hey Sonic… *smiles weakly*

Then he cuddled me for a long time while Blain and Amy were watching us… But then… Questions were bubbling up… And a lot of them…

Nicole: How…? H-How did you all get here…? How’d you all survive…?
Amy: … *sighs*
Nicole: … How……?
Sonic: It eh… It wasn’t easy, I can tell you that…
Nicole: Yeah but……
Amy: Blain…?
Blain: Yeah…?
Amy: Is there somewhere we can talk…? Just the four of us…?
Blain: … *nods* Sure… Follow me…

We made our way back to where Nicole and I came from. After walking for a while, we reached the briefing room where there were a lot of tables and chairs… Also a huge electronic whiteboard for tactical plans and holographic projectors were on the wall…

Amy: … Is this some kind of a movie theater or something…?
Blain: Hehehe… Naah… It’s a briefing room….
Amy: Ooh…
Nicole: I thought it was a cafeteria or something…
Blain: Well in some way it is… Hehehe… There’s a coffee machine over there so if you want anything, just take it…

Nicole: … Coffee……?
Blain: *nods and smiles*

Nicole walked up to the coffee machine to get her a coffee… She always did that if she had the chance to get a coffee… I couldn’t resist but to smile as I saw her walking towards it… And not long after that, she got back with a cup of coffee, and poured sugar and milk in it… She stirred, and stirred, and I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of her… But then I realized why we were here in the first place… She had to know, even though it was hard for us to tell… And then we sat all down and it stayed quiet for a long time… Amy and I stared at Nicole while Sonic’s head was down and we heard him sigh while Nicole stared in her coffee…

Nicole: Guys… I need to know this… Are… Are we the only ones who made it…?
Sonic: … *sighs*
Nicole: … Are we……?
Amy: We really don’t know, Nicole…
Nicole: … How about Cody……? Is he alright…?
Amy/Blain/Sonic: …
Nicole: … Where is he……?
Amy/Blain/Sonic: ……
Nicole: … You know something… Tell me…!
Amy/Blain/Sonic: ………
Nicole: Tell me…!!
Amy/Blain/Sonic: ………
Nicole: Please……
Amy: *deep sigh* … The day we left the village… and… arrived in town… Cody and Tails were with us… But……

Nicole: But what……?
Sonic: It got… Chaotic so all of a sudden, as you might remember…
Nicole: … I remember it all too well……
Sonic: Well… Tails was with us… But… He got shot… And he died…
Nicole: … What……?
Amy: *nods slowly*
Nicole: … No……
Amy: And… Eh… This… This isn’t really easy to tell you but… Once we got out of the city… We got evacuated to safety… In an airtransport… Cody was with us…

Nicole: … Then where is he now……?
Sonic: The airtransport got shot down on the way…… And… Cody didn’t survive the crash…

Nicole: … What……? No…
Amy: I’m sorry……
Nicole: *shakes head slowly*
Sonic: *sighs*
Nicole: I-It j-just never e-ends…… Does it……?
Amy: *shakes head*
Nicole: A-And what about Kn-Knuckles…? Julie-Su…? … Lara-Su…? Rouge…? Shadow……?
Blain: We really don’t know…

It stayed silent for a very long time… Nicole looked down and wiped her eyes… Maybe she was trying to hide that she was crying, but everyone knew… I saw a tear drop falling in her coffee and she held the cup to warm up her hands…

They told me how they survived… How they got here… They told me what they’ve been through… What they’ve seen on the way and what they’ve experienced… And it made an impact on me to see Blain, Amy and even Sonic crying… Me on the other hand… I was crying too but unlike the others, I couldn’t share my story… Not at the moment… I just couldn’t talk… The oh so familiar feeling of something getting stuck in my throat came back… And I just couldn’t talk… I just listened… Blain held my hand and held me close as we were listening to them…

Four hours… We talked for four hours and shared stories while a lot of tears were shed… But Nicole didn’t say how she survived… I really wanted to know, but I couldn’t ask that of her… And she had trouble with telling something… I guess she must have been through a lot, but we all did… But for some reason, it felt as if Nicole had been through more then the three of us combined… I didn’t know… Every time I looked her in the eyes, it seemed as if I know what she’s been through. But there were also things I saw that I couldn’t comprehend… And I didn’t know what it was… And maybe that was the reason why she couldn’t share her story with us… Only time will tell…

It took me a long time to recover from the tears I shed ever since I’ve been here in Azerbaijan. But once I did, I saw the faces of Blain, Sonic and Amy and realized that I still had them. After we all recovered again from our sorrows, we walked back to that gigantic room where we saw those people again… And seeing everyone were still laughing and reuniting with others made me forget about my own sorrows. It was heart warming to see that… I didn’t feel sad anymore… And knowing that Blain was holding my hand as we walked through the crowds and looked at me every now and then and smiled, made me feel happy… Once we found a place to sit, we started talking with everyone else… I noticed that complete total strangers acted toward each other as if they know each other for years. And that only felt good… It’s a shame that only a war can unite people… And it’s a sad thing to see, yet I was glad it happened… If everyone acted like nothing ever happened, it would truly have become unbearable… Then I noticed Blain looked over to a lynx who was talking to a girl… But because it was so noisy, we had trouble to hear each other…

Shifty: Hey Lena!! You’re looking fiiiiiiiiine today!!
Lena: Piss off Shifty!!
Shifty: Yeah, as if you had a chance with me!! Whahaha!!
Blain: Yo!! Shifty!! Over here!!
Shifty: Hey sarge!! How’s it hanging!! Who’s the pretty lady?!!
Blain: That would be Nicole!!
Nicole: Hi!! .
Shifty: THE Nicole?!!
Nicole: Yup!!
Shifty: Whoa!! Nice to meet you!! The sarge told us a lot about you!! No wonder he was upset!!
Nicole: *smiles*

Blain: Shifty, where are the others?!!
Shifty: Rico is taking care of people in the sickbay!! Aaaaaaaaaand Jarod!! He’s over there having a pint with Tavish and Scyth!!

Blain: Come on!! Let’s go!!

Nicole, Amy, Sonic and Shifty came along with me to walk towards Tavish, Scyth and Jarod. They looked as if they were discussing about something…

Scyth: Room temperature?!! Dude!! A beer should be ice, and ice cold!!
Tavish: Well a Lager maybe!!
Scyth: Psssh!! Ha!! No, no no, a Lager would taste like cold owl piss!! Whaha!!

Jarod: I gotta home school ya both when it gets to beer!! shoot!! You guys have no taste whatsoever!! Stout beer!!

Tavish: What the hell is Stout beer?!!
Jarod: A nice brew which consists out of a delicate sweet aroma and a nice, bitter after taste!! Very nice on a hot day!!

Scyth: Sounds more like a lemonade to me!! Hey Blain!!
Blain: ‘Sup guys?!!

Blain introduced me to the guys. He said that they were with his regiment and they seemed really nice guys… One of them, Scyth, resembled Blain a lot… He was dark red, had three earrings in his left ear… Could he be a lifeform like Blain…? I didn’t have the guts to ask and something deep inside me told me that it was a bad idea to ask… So I didn’t…

Shifty: Psst, Jarod.
Jarod: Huh?
Shifty: There is she…
Jarod: Who?
Shifty: Vilani, stupid… She stands there in a corner all there by herself…
Jarod: I think she wants to be alone… She’s having a really hard right now…
Blain: That’s why you gotta go to her. No one can deal with a loss on their own… Let alone two losses…

Scyth: Oh? Who else is eh…
Blain: Keaton…
Scyth: Ooh… I’m sorry to hear that…

After that, Jarod didn’t hesitate to go to her. Everyone could see the dude was in love with her, that was no secret. We all looked at them as Jarod touched her shoulder and once she turned around, she clenched her arms around him, which was actually a touching thing to see… Vilani tried not to show her emotions. She always tried it. Whether she didn’t want to be seen as a weak individual, or just not try to show it, I don’t know. But all I know is that she had a hard time with it… And I felt sorry for her…

Nicole: Vilani is the pilot who found me…
Blain: It was her…?
Nicole: Yeah… She’s a really sweet girl…

Meanwhile…

Jarod: Hey… Don’t worry, alright…? Everything is gonna be alright…
Vilani: Yeah but… That’s the thing, Jarod…
Jarod: Whadda ya mean…?
Vilani: Well… When I heard that Regan died… It was a terrible shock to me… But… He experienced things in his few years than many people do in a lifetime… To do something well is so worthwhile that sometimes to die trying to do it is the only way to make sure if you really believe in it… He risked his life a lot to save others a lot… It would be a waste of life if he did nothing with what he believed in…

Jarod: … Why is that…?
Vilani: It’s because I believe that life is measured in achievements… And… Not in years alone… I feel the same about Keaton… And I respect them for that...

Jarod: I see…
Vilani: Which… Raises another question, Jarod… And I need to ask…
Jarod: … Go on…
Vilani: If you feel that life is measured in achievements… Do you think you should do everything to make those achievements worthwhile…?

Jarod: … Yeah…… It’s because you need to pursuit your goals… Risk everything you got… Even if you have nothing to loose… Because that’s the only way to know for sure… *takes Vilani’s hands*

It stayed silent for a while as Vilani was thinking. She looked away from Jarod but after she gathered enough courage, she faced him…

Vilani: Jarod......?
Jarod: Hm...?
Vilani: We… We know each other for months now and…
Jarod: … Yeah…?
Vilani: When the war is over... I… I want you to come with me... And... I don't know why being this honest is so difficult for me but... I want you to know that you mean a lot to me as a friend... And... Maybe even beyond that... And… It's just that... I don't really know-

Jarod: *kisses Vilani*
Vilani: Eh... I eh...
Jarod: ... *smiles*
Vilani: ... I wasn't expecting that…… *blushes and smiles*

I never knew why they were celebrating… It never got mentioned… I heard things that the war is over soon and all that but… For some reason, I couldn’t really believe that…

Blain stayed with me that evening. And although its still kinda awkward to be with him, he tried his best to talk to me, even though I knew it was difficult for him too. A few hours later, I was getting really tired and Blain walked with me to his room. I saw a bed and I sat on it, and with every move I made, it was tiresome for me… Blain helped me getting undressed… He gently placed me down on the bed and tugged me in as he lies next to me… But I wanted him close… So I got on top of him… I stroked his quills and kissed him as my hands were in his…

Blain: … Are you alright, Nic……?
Nicole: Yeah…… I just want you close……

I guided his hands to my back and told him to hold me as I lay my face down on his chest… He stroked one hand through my hair and it made me relax… I can’t describe what I felt that evening but all I can tell was that it was a wonderful thing to feel…

Blain: What happened, Nic……? Hm……?
Nicole: A lot…… Everything is just so surreal, Blain…… It’s like…… I’m hallucinating or something…… For months I thought you were dead…… I accepted the fact that…… I wouldn’t grow old in this world and…… Wouldn’t die in a warm bed next to you…… And all of a sudden…… You came back…… Like you’re back from the dead…… And Cody... Tails, and... Everyone else...

Blain: Yeah……
Nicole: I lost three people I cared the most about on the way, Blain…… And it’s so painful to see them In pain and… To… See them die…… And then you just walk away like that, because you have to move on…… And I can’t take it anymore…… I-I…… I just can’t…… I can’t do it……

I felt a tear hitting my face again… And the fact that she was lying on top of me like that… It made me feel helpless… I wanted to help her… To make her feel better… But I didn’t know what I could do… So I did the only thing I know that could comfort her… I held her close and scratched her behind her ear……

Nicole: Please, Blain… Whatever happens… Don’t leave me…… Please… I need you…… Especially now…… I need you the most......

Blain: You’re never gonna be alone, Nic…… We’re sticking together like we always did…… We’ve been through a lot together and we’ll make our way through this…… I’ll never leave you…… I promise...

Nicole: *kisses Blain* … Don’t let go of me……
Blain: I won’t……

Nicole and I kissed a lot and didn’t go any further that evening… We used to do that a lot when we were young but… When you’re getting older, you’re perspective will change about that. And when I was young, I was naïve about that sort of thing… But that evening… It felt as if I was sleeping with her for the very first time again… The overwhelming feelings I had a long time ago came back as we were cuddling and held each other close. I forgot what it felt like… The only thing that mattered was that she was here… Her hands were going through my quills, she touched my face a lot and kept on whispering in my ear of how much she loved me… And it really meant something to me. I did the same to her… I felt how her body was relaxing and not long after that, she fell asleep while she was still on her belly on top of me… She had her warm hands in mine as her face was on my chest, close to my face… I kissed her goodnight and felt how I drifted away in the most relaxing sleep I’ve ever had…

Even when Blain was asleep, I was crying… I was crying when I kissed him… With everything I did with him, I was crying… Not always on the outside… Most of the time, it was on the inside… And talking about it didn’t help… Every time when I closed my eyes, I could see everything happening again… And… Like I said… I was afraid to fall asleep… But… As time went on and the experiences grew, I could also see it when I was wide awake… Hearing things… Like that bone snap… Smelling things… Like the incinerated corpses… Seeing things… How I watched Terry dieing in my arms… Seeing people getting shot… How I almost drowned and the things I felt… All I did nowadays was crying…

And I guess it finally took its toll on me… That night, I couldn’t take it anymore… I couldn’t watch how the entire world was destroying itself… And to see more of my friends die in this forsaken world, and to experience everything again… No… I couldn’t take it anymore… So that night… I decided to end my life… In some way, my life already ended a long time ago…

I knew Blain always had a pistol under his pillow… It’s a habit he never got rid of ever since… So I slowly moved his head away as he was still asleep… Found it… I sat on the edge of the bed, holding the gun and stared at it… A really disturbing thought ran through my mind, now that I think of it, and I thought that it would be a cure… A medicine, if you will… So I checked to see if it was loaded… Gently pulled the safety off like Blain showed me a long time ago…

I began to question what would hurt the least… Against the side of my head…? In my mouth…? Under my chin…? It didn’t matter… All would be over in just a flash… So I put the pistol in my mouth… And… I tasted the cold steel barrel of the pistol… When I sat like that, it seems like everything was coming back… Like all of my memories just speed by… The longer it lasted, the shakier I became… I felt how my arms were trembling as I firmly closed my eyes… Regrets…? Sorrows…? It all rained down on me, and hit me like a brick every time, which is why I was determined to go on, because I couldn’t take it anymore… Tears were rolling down my cheek and the only thought that could make it go away was the thought of everything ending soon… My finger was gently squeezing the trigger, ready when I am… A loud bang… And everything turned black…

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