Chapter 32 - My hero...

I woke up all of a sudden… And realized I was in a bed… Unharmed… I wasn’t dead… It was a dream… A scary one again… I looked around the room, but didn’t know where I was… And Blain wasn’t next to me… [br]
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The room was all dark… It seems so familiar but I couldn’t figure out where I was… Then I heard footsteps and a door slowly opening up… I heard a click and a light got turned on… I turned my head and saw where the light came from… Then I heard that a shower was turned on… I listened how the water hit the stone tiles… And well, I was always curious… So I walked towards the door… And as I walked, I remembered… Everything came back… Carefully, I peeked around the door which was wide open, and there he was… Blain, taking a shower… I could hear him sigh every once in a while as he wiped his face… But he didn’t see me… He had his back turned towards me and I just watched him… At some point, I walked right in… I got undressed and joined him… I gently clenched my arms around his stomach, and then he looks up surprised. Blain turned his face as I hugged him from behind… [br]
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Blain: Hey…… [br]
Nicole: Hey sweety…… [br]
Blain: I didn’t wake you, did I……? [br]
Nicole: No…… [br]
Blain: … You need to get back to bed… You need your rest…… [br]
Nicole: Just five more minutes…… I just wanna hold you…… [br]
Blain: *smiles weakly* [br]
Nicole: *closes eyes* What time is it……? [br]
Blain: Six forty five AM…… [br]
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Then he too turned his body around and held me close…… [br]
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Nicole: How long have I been asleep……? [br]
Blain: You slept through the whole day…… [br]
Nicole: I did……? [br]
Blain: Yeah…… [br]
Nicole: Then what did you do……? [br]
Blain: I was out on an extraction…… A few more survivors were found… One of ‘em was dead when we got there…… [br]
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Nicole: Oooh…… [br]
Blain: Yeah…… I just got back…… And I’m exhausted…… I’m getting too old for this……[br]
Nicole: … Then why don’t you just quit……? They’ll understand……[br]
Blain: Yeah…… But…… I can’t…… I can’t leave these guys…… Not after what we’ve all been through and experienced together…… It wouldn’t be right……[br]
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Nicole: I don’t want you to do this anymore, Blain…… Please…… I can’t take it anymore if I loose you again……[br]
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Blain: *sighs* Zakhaev might be dead, but that doesn’t mean its safe out there…… People need our help, and we’ll do everything we can for them…… Humans…… Furries, it doesn’t matter…… They equally need our help to get rid of the people who oppose us…… The people who don’t want to end this war…… And we need everyone…… That includes me too…… [br]
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Nicole: Yeah, but…… [br]
Blain: Hey…… [br]
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She wasn’t facing me… She looked down instead… She always did when you had a serious conversation with her… But the moment I gently placed my hands on her cheek and slowly lift her head up to face me, I saw in her eyes that she was scared. She really was telling the truth… And the longer I stared in her eyes, the soggier they became until a tear was slowly forming… And I wiped that tear away as she held on to me even tighter… [br]
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Blain: Don’t worry about me, Nic…… I got 19 years of combat experience… I know what I’m doing…… And I’m not alone this time…… And I’ll promise… I’ll always be here for you…… I’ll always be with you…… [br]
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Nicole: You promise……? [br]
Blain: I promise…… [br]
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Then I felt she clenched her arms around my back even tighter and rest her head against my chest. We cuddled for a long time under the shower…[br]
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The moment we snugged back in bed, I felt the warm soft blanket on my skin… It felt so nice… And although I’ve been asleep for more then a day, I still felt so very tired… Blain cuddled me as his hand was going through my hair as I kept staring in his eyes… No spoken words… Just the glare in each others eyes… That was all we needed… And everything we wanted… I pulled him on top of me and kept his head close to see those eyes better… I closed my eyes and let everything happen… [br]
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But the next day… I wasn’t feeling myself once again… I noticed that Blain left again… And I was worried about him… But that wasn’t the only thing that was bothering me… Terry and Ceylan did… I can’t tell you of how much I miss them… I can’t express that in words… But being reunited with Blain after so many months while I thought he was dead was shocking to me as well… I was so happy… But now… I never forgot about Terry and Ceylan but… I did for a short period… And now it’s all coming back… Blain needs to know… But I’m scared to tell him… He wouldn’t understand… But it’s not fair not to tell him of what happened… I cant do that to him, not after so many years of being together and experiencing a lot… And I didn’t know what to do… [br]
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I visited Sonic and Amy… To talk… But that didn’t really help either… They came up with suggestions I already had in mind, but was too afraid to actually do it… The more I thought about it, the more upset I became… At some point, I left… I needed some time alone… [br]
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But sitting alone didn’t helped either… I didn’t know how to deal with this problem… Out of all the problems and challenges I ever faced, I always found a way out… But not this one… [br]
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Mahabi: Dude!! [br]
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I got so startled by that, that I scared the shoot out of myself… I turned my head and noticed Mahabi standing behind me… [br]
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Nicole: Oh hey… [br]
Mahabi: … Long time no see… [br]
Nicole: *nods* [br]
Mahabi: … Something wrong…? [br]
Nicole: *nods* [br]
Mahabi: … You wanna talk about it…? [br]
Nicole: *shakes no* [br]
Mahabi: … Oh…… Ok then… [br]
Nicole: *sighs* [br]
Mahabi: … [br]
Nicole: *wipes face* [br]
Mahabi: … You know, Lattei is on the road to recovery encase your wondering… [br]
Nicole: Oh…? That’s good to hear… [br]
Mahabi: … Yeah. [br]
Nicole: … [br]
Mahabi: … [br]
Nicole: *sighs* [br]
Mahabi: “How you been, Mahabi?!” Well, Nicole, glad you asked! [br]
Nicole: … I get the hint, Mahabi… I know, and I’m sorry… It’s just that I have a lot on my mind right now… [br]
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Mahabi: … Of course you do… I’ll leave you to it then. [br]
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And so, Mahabi walked off…[br]
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I went to Blain’s room and flopped down on his bed, thinking about everything… It went on and on for hours until Blain finally came back. I immediately jumped up and hugged him and told him of how worried I was… [br]
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Over the next few weeks, not much changed… Blain went out a lot to assist in whatever the hell he was doing… I saw him lesser and lesser… And whenever I was alone, I started thinking… About Ceylan, and Terry… But also about Blain… I still saw Mahabi and Axel, but I just wasn’t in the mood to talk… [br]
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Mahabi: Look, there she goes again… [br]
Lattei: … Who’s the blue dude?[br]
Mahabi: The hell am I supposed to know? She’s been ignoring us ever since we got here… [br]
Lattei: … She does…? [br]
Mahabi: Yeah! [br]
Lattei: … She wouldn’t just ignore us… [br]
Mahabi: She does! Just look at her! Playing little miss sunshine… [br]
Lattei: She wouldn’t do that… Not Nicole… [br]
Mahabi: Yeah, well, she does! You don’t see her walking towards us right now to have a friendly chit-chat, now, does she?! She knows we’re sitting here! [br]
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Lattei: … fracking hell…… After everything we did for her… [br]
Mahabi: And all of a sudden, we’re too low for her… [br]
Lattei: Well… Maybe it’s just a friend she hasn’t seen in a very long time…[br]
Mahabi: Yeah, well maybe, but that doesn’t mean she should forget who her other friends are… [br]
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Lattei: … True, true… [br]
Mahabi: Pffft… frack her, we don’t need her… Come on, let’s bounce… [br]
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Axel: … I’m not made of rubber, I don’t bounce… [br]
Mahabi: *sighs* Let’s roll… [br]
Axel: … Can’t you see I’m not round…? I don’t roll, I walk… [br]
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Mahabi: … It’s slang for “let’s go”. [br]
Axel: … Oooooooooh… [br]
Mahabi: *shakes head and sighs* I think that shackle around your neck is cutting your blood circulation in your brain… That might explain a lot… [br]
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Axel: … [br]
Mahabi: What’s up with that shackle anyway?! Get rid of it already! [br]
Axel: … No one ever offered to help me with that shackle… [br]
Mahabi: … So…? [br]
Axel: … [br]
Mahabi: … You’re hopeless… [br]
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That evening, I thought everything was gonna be alright… Now that he’s back, things were gonna be just fine… As evening fell, we went to bed together and cuddled ourselves to sleep… But that night, I woke up… I saw Blain getting out of bed and getting dressed in his uniform, and got out his rifle… [br]
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Nicole: … You’re going again…? [br]
Blain: … Yeah… A group has gone missing and haven’t reported in yet… We need to- [br]
Nicole: Don’t bother… [br]
Blain: … Huh…? [br]
Nicole: You don’t have to explain it to me… Just… Just go… I’ll just sleep by myself again… [br]
Blain: … What’s wrong with you…? [br]
Nicole: … You said you wanna be with me, but you’re hardly being with me… [br]
Blain: … Nic… When everything is over…- [br]
Nicole: … Exactly… WHEN…? I wanna be with you while I still can, Blain… [br]
Blain: … [br]
Nicole: Don’t you realize this will never end in a good way…? [br]
Blain: You’re thinking about it way to much… [br]
Nicole: Then what makes you think we will survive this…? [br]
Blain: … [br]
Nicole: Hm…? [br]
Blain: Don’t be so unreasonable… [br]
Nicole: *shakes head* I’m just being real… [br]
Blain: … I got to go now… [br]
Nicole: Yeah, you do that… Get back safe…[br]
Blain: … Yeah. [br]
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And with that, he walked out of the door… [br]
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It didn’t got better the days after that… It felt like he didn’t understand what I was going through… What I felt like… I wanted to be with him, but for some reason, he just didn’t wanted to be with me… I tried to talk about it with him, but I always got the same answer I never could make much sense of. And at some point, I couldn’t take it any more… [br]
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One night, he got back… I pretended to be asleep as I felt he was gently scratching my paw. I wiggled my toes, but still pretended to be asleep… I saw from the corners of my eyes that he got undressed and flopped down on the bed, next to me… I felt he cuddled me, but I turned around… [br]
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Nicole: … What do I need to do for you to be with me…? [br]
Blain: … What…? [br]
Nicole: Answer me… [br]
Blain: … What are you talking about…? [br]
Nicole: Don’t you wanna be with me…? [br]
Blain: … Huh…? Of course I want to be with you… [br]
Nicole: Then why aren’t you with me…? [br]
Blain: … I’m with you now… [br]
Nicole: … Yeah……… [br]
Blain: … [br]
Nicole: Blain… I’m trying to be with you… But it feels as if you don’t wanna be with me… The only time I get to see you is at night… And I wake up the next morning and realizing you went off again… [br]
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Blain: … *sighs* [br]
Nicole: We really need to talk about this… [br]
Blain: … We already did… [br]
Nicole: Then we’ll do it again…[br]
Blain: Yeah, but not now… I’m tired… [br]
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Then he turned around in bed with his back facing me… At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore… I got out of the room, and sat at a table… I tried not to cry but… I did anyway… Not long after that, I noticed that Blain sat across me… [br]
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Nicole: I don’t get it Blain… I really don’t… [br]
Blain: … Nicole… You’re forcing me to choose between you and my guys… Like I told you, I can’t leave these guys… [br]
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Nicole: … Just stay, Blain… Stay and live a life with me… Who would you rather be with…?! [br]
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Blain: … I can’t decide, Nic…! You’re not the only who’s facing difficult decisions! You’re placing a burden on me that’s not even my burden to bear!! [br]
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Nicole: What about ME, Blain?! Ever gave a thought about that?!! [br]
Blain: Every!! Single!! fracking!! Day!! And I don’t know what the frack I’m supposed to do!! I can’t leave my guys because it would be a wrong thing to do!! We sticked together when five hundred thousand furries died on a SINGLE!! Night!! [br]
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Nicole: … [br]
Blain: I do wanna be with you, Nicole… I really do… I love you… And I’m trying my best… But what you’re asking from me is to abandon everyone I’ve been with over the months… We experienced so many things together and I’ve seen so many people I’ve known dead… [br]
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Nicole: … Yes but what about me…? You think I didn’t have that…? Two persons I really cared for died while one got carried away… One of them died in my arms, for fracks sake, Blain… Do you have any idea what it does to you…? [br]
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Blain: I know what it’s like… [br]
Nicole: Then how come you don’t understand…? Why is it so difficult for you to understand that I need you the most…? You, out of all the people in here…? [br]
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Blain: You don’t understand my situation either… And no matter how many times I try to explain it to you, you just don’t understand… You have no idea how many sacrifices I had to make in order for me to get here… But you wouldn’t understand, because you weren’t there… [br]
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All of a sudden, I felt as if I could explode in anger… I got so pissed off so all of a sudden… [br]
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Nicole: Sacrifices…? Sacrifices?!! Don’t you start on me about sacrifices, because you don’t know shoot about what I’VE been through!!! I’ve sacrificed EVERYTHING that I could possibly lose when all the odds were against me!!! You better not be saying that I don’t know what I’m talking about!! Because I DO know!! And I thought that you, of ALL persons, should’ve known that!! [br]
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Blain: … [br]
Nicole: … But I guess I was wrong… You changed… You’re not Blain… [br]
Blain: The hell you want me to do then?!! [br]
Nicole: I want you to understand!! And you don’t!! It’s because you’re either too naïve or just don’t care!! I don’t know!! [br]
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Blain: I KNOW what it’s like Nicole!! Don’t blame it on me!! I’m not fracking naïve here because I’ve SEEN everything!!! I know what it’s like!! [br]
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Nicole: Then you should have no problem understanding my situation here!! What I’VE been through, not JUST you! [br]
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Blain: The frack you want me to do then?!! [br]
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In his anger, he slammed his left fist on the table, which immediately broke in half… He stared at me for a while… [br]
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Nicole: … You just don’t understand, do you……? Maybe it was a mistake to come here… If I knew you were here and… Knew you’d be like this, I would’ve stayed where I was with the others… Then the persons who cared the most about ME would still be alive… [br]
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Blain: …[br]
Nicole: Go… Get out… Leave me alone… [br]
Blain: … [br]
Nicole: Get out… [br]
Blain: So it’s like that…?[br]
Nicole: Yes… I never chose that things turned out like this… You did… I tried to talk to you so that you can understand… But I’m sick and tired of people always blaming me when’s it’s not my fault so that I can suck it up and apologize… I might get used to the idea of you being dead again… I lived with that idea for so many months… It’s not that hard… [br]
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Blain: … [br]
Nicole: …[br]
Blain: Fine. [br]
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What she did wasn’t fair towards me. But then again, I was doing the same thing to her. The situation was that we both didn’t understand each other of what we’ve been through, yet we experienced something similar… Maybe Nicole experienced something I didn’t, and vice versa… But whatever it was, we didn’t understand each other… We both changed a lot… And it felt I was losing her all over again… [br]
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I couldn’t sleep for the entire night… All I did was crying… And Blain didn’t come back that night… The next morning… He wasn’t next to me as well… I went over to Sonic and Amy, but I couldn’t find them… I’ve been looking around for hours, but I just couldn’t find them… When evening fell, I saw Mahabi walking… I ran over to him and when he noticed me, he glared at me with cold eyes… [br]
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Nicole: Mahabi! I need to talk to you! [br]
Mahabi: What, just now? [br]
Nicole: Yeah… [br]
Mahabi: Pssh… [br]
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He turned around and walked away… What the hell did I do to make him act like this towards me…? I caught up with him and stood in front of him… [br]
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Nicole: Mahabi, please…! [br]
Mahabi: *shakes no* [br]
Nicole: … What’s wrong…? [br]
Mahabi: What’s wrong?!! You haven’t talked to us in weeks, and all of a sudden, just because you need it, you need to talk to me?!! You’ve been ignoring us for weeks!! Lattei almost died!! Did you even give a thought about that?!! [br]
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Nicole: … I… I-I didn’t know… [br]
Mahabi: No, of course you didn’t know!! [br]
Nicole: Mahabi… I- [br]
Mahabi: frack off, Nic!! We don’t need you, you don’t need us!! [br]
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The moment I saw Mahabi walking away, it was moment when I realized I was alone… And it was painful… That was the loneliest evening I can remember… And I was really scared… I don’t wanna be alone… [br]
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Once I got back to Blain’s room, I noticed he still didn’t get back… I flopped down on his bed… I wanted to set everything right, even though I had little faith I could… I had this little spark of hope that I could set everything straight… But the longer I thought about it, the more hopeless it became… I realized it was something I couldn’t get out… I didn’t know what to do… I felt ashamed to realize that I’ve left Axel, Mahabi and Lattei alone after all the things they did for me… Blain… Terry… Ceylan… Rachel… … Cody… I reached my limit… I couldn’t take it anymore… I wanted things to end… [br]
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I knew Blain always had a pistol under his pillow… It’s a habit he never got rid of ever since… Found it… I sat on the edge of the bed, holding the gun and stared at it… A really disturbing thought ran through my mind, now that I think of it, and I thought that it would be a cure… A medicine, if you will… So I checked to see if it was loaded… Gently pulled the safety off like he showed me… It felt like a déjà-vu… [br]
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I began to question what would hurt the least… Against the side of my head…? In my mouth…? Under my chin…? It didn’t matter… All would be over in just a flash… So I put the pistol in my mouth… And… I tasted the cold steel barrel of the pistol… When I sat like that, it seems like everything was coming back… Like all of my memories just speed by… The longer it lasted, the shakier I became… I felt how my arms were trembling as I firmly closed my eyes… Regrets, sorrows…? It all rained down on me, and hit me like a brick every time, which is why I was determined to go on, because I couldn’t take it anymore… Tears were rolling down my cheek and the only thought that could make it go away was the thought of everything ending soon… My finger was gently squeezing the trigger, ready when I am… But then… I felt a hand gently touching my shoulder… I didn’t look… I didn’t dare to look… I was too ashamed and scared to look… I felt how the hand moved to my arms and gently removed the pistol out of my mouth and saw it got hold of the pistol… And I was still shaking… I felt Blain’s warm breathe in my neck… And a tear hitting my shoulder… It followed with more and more tears… When I finally had the guts to face him, I could see Blain right behind me, with red, soggy eyes… [br]
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Blain: Please…… Don’t…… I need you too…… What am I gonna do without you……? Don’t leave me…… Please…… Don’t leave me, Nic……[br]
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Nicole: *sobs* I… I just… [br]
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At that point, he burst out in tears, holding me close and cuddled me… I haven’t seen him crying like that for a very long time… He wasn’t crying like that when we first met after all these months… And then I couldn’t hold it anymore… [br]
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Nicole: *sobs* I… I j-just can’t take it anymore, Blain… A-All my life I’ve imagined growing old with you…… Together…… With Kaelyn…… Why was it never realized……? Why……? [br]
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Blain: *sobs* I don’t know…… I-I wish I knew…… But…… We have to stick together…… Like we always did…… I can’t go on without you…… [br]
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It stayed silent for a very long time as we were holding each other close, crying our eyes out… We didn’t let go of each other that night… He kept assuring me that everything is gonna be alright as he was still sobbing… He told me how much he loved me as kept on cuddling me throughout the night… I wish I could’ve said how much I loved him that night, but I couldn’t talk… It felt as if something was stuck in my throat every time I wanted to say something to him… So I held him close and cuddled him as I kissed him every now and then to let him know I loved him dearly… [br]
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