Chapter 36 - No alternative...

I came out of the shower… Dried myself off… And noticed the mirror in the bathroom was damp and moistly from the hot steam… After I got dressed, I wiped a towel over the mirror to see myself… Once I saw my own reflection, I noticed it was staring at me… In my eyes… But for some reason, that wasn’t me I was looking at… She seemed younger… Me when I was 19 years old… Her head tilted a little over to the right and kept on staring at me…

Mirror: … You look familiar……
Nicole: … What are you talking about…?
Mirror: It’s like… Looking in a mirror… Only… Not…
Nicole: … B-bu-but… Y-You are me… You’re m-my reflection…
Mirror: You’re wrong… I’m not you…
Nicole: Then… Who are you…?
Mirror: Someone with dignity and self-esteem… Someone who is proud for what I’ve accomplished throughout my life, against all odds…

Nicole: But… You’re me… Wait… W-what the hell am I doing…? I-I’m talking to a mirror…

Mirror: No, you’re talking to me… You looked like me a long time ago… And when I look at you now, I see nothing but an empty void…

Nicole: … The hell are you saying…?
Mirror: … Are you ever thinking of telling Blain…?
Nicole: … T-Tell him what…?
Mirror: You know all too well what I mean with that…
Nicole: … I…
Mirror: You know what happened with Terry… Don’t you feel cheap now…
Nicole: B-but… T-Terry loved me…
Mirror: Bullshoot!! Terry didn’t give a shoot about you!! All he cared for was having a quick frack and you were the perfect victim for it!! How the hell could you do that?!! Don’t you have any self-respect anymore?!!

Nicole: … I-I…
Mirror: What about Ceylan?!
Nicole: … Wh-What about her…?
Mirror: You kept clinging on to her like she was your life-support or something!! What about my daughter?!! What about my Blain?!! Are you so fracking selfish you don’t even see it?!! You’re so fracking pathetic!!

Nicole: I-I… I didn’t know B-Blain was s-still alive b-back then…
Mirror: Bullshoot!! That doesn’t give you the right to do it anyway!!
Nicole: N-No… B-But…
Mirror: *shakes head* Dad would turn over in his grave if he saw you now… To see what you’ve become… It fracking disgusts me to see what I’ve become… You stupid country matters… How the hell could you that to ME…?!

Nicole: *sobs* Shut up…
Mirror: Shutting up wont make it go away…!! One day, Blain will find out…! And he’ll say the exact same things I’m saying to you right now…

Nicole: *sobs* Shut up…!
Mirror: You almost made the right decision… It’s not too late to pick up Blain’s gun and put it in you’re mouth again… It’s never too late for that…

Nicole: *sobs* Shut up!!

All of a sudden, I started punching the mirror… Over, and over… And over again… Until the mirror was nothing more but pieces of shattered glass… I felt how my hands were shaking, and when I looked down, I saw they were severely bleeding… My hands were cut open… I started to walk back slowly while staring in disbelieve at the broken mirror… Once I felt I’ve reached the wall, I let myself down slowly… And sat in the corner while I felt how tears were rolling down my face… I noticed how hard it became to breathe, while I slowly choked down in my own tears… I closed my eyes and wished that everything just vanished, that everything was over…

Kaelyn: I forgive you…

I felt that someone was touching my face… As I looked up, I saw a beautiful young girl looking at me… She wiped a tear out of my face and sat down next to me, with her arms around my shoulders and held on to me… And I realized it was Kaelyn… It didn’t take that long for me to realize… I was baffled at first but then… I firmly held on to her while I closed my eyes and cried…

Kaelyn: Don’t cry…… Everything is going to be alright……
Nicole: *sobs* I know sweetie… I-I know……
Kaelyn: I forgive you, mommy……
Nicole: *sobs* My little darling…… I love you so much……
Kaelyn: I love you too…… Don’t ever let go of me……
Nicole: *sobs* I won’t…… I never will…… Everything is gonna be alright now…… Sssh… Don’t listen to her… Don’t listen to her……

We cuddled like that for a long time…… As soon as I opened my eyes, Kaelyn wasn’t in my arms anymore… Instead, I saw the younger me, the one I saw in the mirror, standing in front of me… With pieces of glass all over her face while her face was cut open…

Mirror: My daughter might forgive you for what you did to her… But I won’t… I’ll never forgive what you did to me… I never will…

And with that, she walked off… Disappearing in the dark… While I was left behind…

I opened my eyes… And noticed I was in the sickbay with Blain… I was on a chair next to him, while I was cuddling him… I must have fallen asleep… I looked at Blain and kept asking myself what happened… Then I remembered… A human and Scyth came in 6 hours ago, carrying Blain… And I stayed with him while they were trying to save his life… I heard in the sudden chaos something that sounded like a bomb that hit the building he was in, and he fell two storeys down… But no matter how many times I whispered in his ear that I loved him, he never opened his eyes that night…

Hours and hours passed by while I didn’t moved an inch. It turned night, and I was starting to become exhausted… At some point, I heard the doors opening, and someone was walking through the doors, taking a good look at everyone who was on a stretcher… When she got close enough, I saw it was Vilani… The expression on her face said that she was shattered, and that she was very insecure… She was on the brink of bursting out in tears… She looked at me for a short moment, then towards Blain… She closed her eyes for a short moment, and I noticed tears were rolling down her cheeks… Then she walked off… I felt sorry for her for some reason… I didn’t know what happened to her, but it looked as if she needed someone to talk to… I told Blain I’d be back very soon, and I followed her.

I found her sitting alone with her hands in her hair looking down while she gently rubbed her belly every now and then… So… I sat next to her… She looked up to me, and I saw her eyes were all soggy and red…

Nicole: Hi…
Vilani: *coughs* Hey……
Nicole: What’s wrong……?
Vilani: *wipes face*
Nicole: Hmmm…?
Vilani: Jarod hasn’t come back…… It’s been hours ever since… Something happened to him, I just know…… He and Shifty didn’t came back……


Nicole: *sighs*
Vilani: I can’t take it to wander around in the dark like this…… I’m scared……
Nicole: I-I know… I know……
Vilani: What if something awful happened to him…?
Nicole: Don’t say that…… I’m sure he’s fine…… Maybe he took shelter with Shifty somewhere…… It’s been raining an awful lot today……

Vilani: Yeah… Yeah, you’re right… He just… He just took shelter somewhere… That’s all……
Nicole: Everything is gonna be ok……
Vilani: *nods* Of course…
Nicole: It’s getting late… You need to get some rest…
Vilani: I can’t sleep… I tried… I just can’t… Not until I know for sure that Jarod’s alright…

Nicole: You don’t have to sleep… Just close you’re eyes…
Vilani: I’ve been awake for more then 18 hours now… And… I’m so tired… But I just can’t sleep…

Nicole: It’s ok…
Vilani: *smiles weakly*
Nicole: How’re you feeling…?
Vilani: Tired… Cold…
Nicole: Can I get you anything…?
Vilani: Naah… I’m fine… Thanks…
Nicole: Can I…?
Vilani: … Hm…?
Nicole: Can I feel it…?
Vilani: Yeah, sure…

She lifts up her shirt to expose her belly. I gently placed my hands on her stomach… And I felt that something was moving… She moved her hands next to mine, gently scratching her belly…

Nicole: Feels wonderful, doesn’t it…?
Vilani: Yeah… *smiles weakly*
Nicole: Do you know if it’s gonna be a boy or a girl…?
Vilani: We don’t know yet… They don’t have the right equipment for an echo-scan…
Nicole: Got any names…? *smiles*
Vilani: Well… If it’s a girl… I’m gonna call her Sala… Just like my mother…
Nicole: And if it’s a boy…?
Vilani: Then his name will be Fabian… After Jarod’s father… *smiles*
Nicole: Beautiful names…
Vilani: Yeah…

Vilani and I talked for hours… About pretty much everything… About her baby… About mine… But we also talked about the things that bothered us… Like the war… A few hours later, she could barely hold her eyes open… I waited ‘till she fell asleep… And I walked away… Before I went out the door, I turned around and took a final look at Vilani… She was still asleep… With her hand on her belly… For some reason, I noticed I had a little smile on my face… With that, I walked out of the door… And that was the last time I saw Vilani…

Blain wasn’t awake when I came back… But I wanted to stay with him… I wanted that I was the first person he sees when he opened his eyes again… IF he ever opens them again… Rico said that he took quite a beating… His right eye was cut open, and I saw he had several wounds on his body… He had a blood stained bandage on his stomach… And it pains me to see him like this… I gently took his hand in mine… And I felt his fingers moving… I whispered in his ear that I loved him very much… And after sitting like that for a half an hour, I fell asleep once again…

I woke up when I felt that someone was caressing my hair… When I opened my eyes, I noticed that Blain was looking at me, while he strokes his right hand through my hair… When I saw he was looking at me, I cuddled him for a long time… I heard him grunt in pain, so I held him less tight…

Nicole: *shakes head* You’re so stupid, Blain… I told you…… I told you not to do it……
Blain: *sighs* I-I know……
Nicole: You okay……?
Blain: No…… I can’t feel my left arm… I-I can’t move it……
Rico: Hey, welcome back, sarge…… How you feeling……?
Blain: shootty……
Nicole: Rico… Is there a… Reason why Blain doesn’t feel his left arm……?
Rico: Eh…

He hesitated for a short moment… Then Rico sighed and sat down on a stretcher…

Rico: The reason why you don’t feel you’re arm… Is because we deactivated it…
Blain: … What……? Why……?
Rico: Well… Two reasons… A cybernetic engineer took a look at you… You’re arm is damaged beyond repair… And… You’re body will reject you’re arm when it no longer functions… But… Amputating wasn’t an option… If we did, you would’ve died by now… So… The best way to ensure you’re survival was to deactivate it… And you need a new arm once we get the resources… Until then, you’re arm will no longer function…

Blain: I see… And… What’s the other reason…?
Rico: Hm?
Blain: Th-The other reason……?
Rico: *sighs*
Blain: Tell me, Rico… Please……
Rico: I eh… Well… The cybernetic engineer couldn’t do much… He eh… Th-The chaos-drive inside of you is powering you’re arm… But… It’s also you’re life-support… A-And the chaos-drive is damaged… It’s draining… That’s another reason of why we deactivated you’re arm… You’re arm will only drain it further down… So… So we deactivated you’re arm to keep you alive for as long as possible…

Blain: … So…… What you’re saying is… I-is that I-I’m dieing…?
Rico: *nods slowly*
Nicole: *gasps*
Blain: … I see… …Ho-How much time…?
Rico: Six months… Maybe eight… Nine months tops… So… Seeing you’re current state… It’s… It’s not recommended to go out on the field… No more field duty for you, sir…

Blain: *nods slowly*
Rico: I’m sorry to say this under these conditions…… I-I wish there w-was another way, b-but-

Blain: It’s ok, Rico…… Thanks……
Rico: I’m sorry… I truly am……

And with that, Rico left again…

Blain: … Well stick me in a dress and call me Sally…… I’m… I-I don’t know what to say… I didn’t come all this way just to die by something as stupid as THIS?!!

All of a sudden, he bashed the little table to the right of him with his right fist… The wood cracked and the table broke in pieces, and everything that was on it fell on the ground… The way looked at me was scary… I couldn’t believe he was dieing all over again, that I was gonna loose him… But… There was still hope…

Nicole: Y-You heard what Rico s-said right…? You s-still got six months… I-I’m sure they’ll f-find a-a-a chaos-drive and…-

Blain: Nikki…

He held my hand… And looked at me… But… It was scary to see… It scared me… It was the way he looked at me…

Blain: A chaos-drive… Would supply power for a very long time… Seventy years at least…… Even if they do find a chaos-drive… I would outlive you… I would… Outlive my friends…… I’ll see everyone I ever care for die… I’ll see this generation die……And probably the next…… And then… I’ll die…… And…… I don’t want that to happen again…… I’ve seen to many people I cared for dieing…… Please…… I’ve had enough…… No more…… I deserve my peace after all these years…… But… N-Not like this…… N-Not like this, Nikki… I-I don’t wanna go like this……

Nicole: B-Bu-but… Y-You have a choice…
Blain: *shakes head* I won’t go through this again……
Nicole: … But… W-What am I gonna do when you’re not here anymore………?
Blain: Hey……

He gently nudged my head up and made me stare in his face… Those eyes…… For some reason… I didn’t realize it yet… I was scared but… I don’t know……

Blain: You’re gonna do what you always did…… You’re gonna be strong… And live through this… Hopefully… The war will end soon and… Then I can die in peace… Next to you…… That’s all I ever wanted…

He wiped a tear out of my face… I wish I could have changed his mind…… But then again… Would that be selfish of me…? I didn’t know…… I took his hand and held the back of his hand against my cheek…… I kissed his hand not long after that and I gave him a tight cuddle… I tried not to cry… For his sake… But it was so difficult to oppress it… While I was cuddling him, I heard he started to chuckle……

Blain: Hehehehehe… *chuckles*
Nicole: … What…?
Blain: It’s…… It’s actually kinda funny……
Nicole: What are you talking about……?
Blain: When I was still with the RRTS…. I… I fought the Emperial Droid Army without… Without getting shot once… I… I fought rebels and got mortally wounded… But I survived…… I ran on the beaches of Angel Island when all the odds were against us… But… But I survived right…? I… I didn’t get shot once back there… And…. And I saw the end of that war… I… I saw the beginning of this one… And maybe… Maybe I’ll see the end of it… B-But the funny thing is… I survived all those things just to die by something as simple as this… *chuckles*

The chuckles lasted for a short moment… It slowly changed into sobbing… I already felt tears rolling down my face, but I didn’t… I didn’t want him to see me crying… I had to be strong for him… But it was so difficult… I held him even tighter as I felt he was clenching his right arm around my back…

Blain: *sobs* Oh frack…… I-I’m dieing……! I’m dieing, Nic……!! I don’t wanna……!! I-I can’t be dieing……!! There are so m-many things left unsaid……!! I’m so sorry……!! I’m so sorry, Nikki……!! I don’t wanna……!! I don’t wanna……!!! I wanna stay with you…!! It's not fair, damn it...!! It's not fracking fair...!!

There was nothing I could do to comfort him…… And sadly, there wasn’t anything to comfort me…… The longer I held him, the louder he was sobbing… I felt how my shoulder got soaked with bitter tears… And I noticed how my tears slowly turned into bitter ones themselves… I caressed the back of his head…… And whispered in his ear that I loved him a lot… As long as he knows that…

Nicole: Ssssh……
Blain: I don’t wanna……

We cuddled like that for a very long time…… I realized the harsh inevitable truth the moment he started sobbing… And that was a difficult thing for me… It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Blain crying like this… He cried like this when Kaelyn died… But apart from that… I’ve never seen him crying like this… And it was a rare thing to see him cry… But whenever he was… It pierced my heart to hear him sob… I never left his side that evening… I stayed with him until he fell asleep from exhaustion many hours later… I gently placed his head on his pillow and watched him for a moment… The tears were rolling down my face as I silenced my sorrow for his sake… He shouldn’t see me crying… I had to be strong for him… But now that he’s asleep, I’m not required to be… I held his hand and I couldn’t hold myself anymore…

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