Chapter 1 - Devour-Ed

“Run, Ed run!” Edd screamed, to a scurrying Ed.

“I’m running, I’m running!” Ed huffed as he carried Edd on his shoulders.

“Hurry, hurry!” Edd panicked.

“I’m hurrying, I’m hurrying!”

“In, in!” The two Eds scrambled through the door to Ed’s house.

“I’m inning, I’m inning!”

Edd jumped down and locked the door, then pressed his back against it as if that would help to block it, “Can you believe it!?”

“They got Eddy, Double D!’

“I know! There’s nothing we can do about it now though… all we can do is fight them so they don’t get us too.”

“Avenge Eddy!”

“What’re you guys doing?” Sarah interjected.

“Run Sarah or they will get you too! No one is safe from the Slorpes from planet Arbog!” Ed rambled.

“What are you talking about Ed?”

“The slimy monster thingys! They came from nowhere and ate Eddy!”

“Ed you’re scaring me!” Sarah squeaked sarcastically.

“Sarah, for once Ed’s not kidding. There actually is one of those creatures outside and it _did_ devour Eddy!”

“Good, I don’t haffta hear his big mouth anymore!”

“Sarah this is no joke look!” Edd pointed to the window.

Sarah huffed and stomped over to the widow. She peered outside into the glowing yellow eyes of a hairy monster that dripped in what could only be described as slime. Though it wasn’t large in size, it bore teeth that looked as though they could chew through metal. Sarah stepped slowly away from the window, staring. She seemed to suddenly snap back to life with a shrill scream that resembled the sound of fighting cats.

Jimmy ran down the stairs tripping on the bottom one. He picked himself up looking rather frazzled and continued tripping to Sarah’s side. “Tharah, whath goink on,” Jimmy lisped worse than usual due to the curled state of his headgear.

“It’s a monster, Jimmy! A real live monster! And it ate Eddy!”

“A month-ter!?”

“Look!” Sarah steered Jimmy to the window.

“Ahh!” Jimmy screeched right before fainting.

“Jimmy wake up!” Sarah shook him untill he began to mutter.

“It wath horrible, with a hiddeouth hair-doo!”

“So what do we do? Double D, you’re the brainy one, do something!” Sarah demanded.

“I’m working on it! Edd yelled from the kitchen where he was already at work trying to find a solution to their monster problem. “If I could produce an emulsion that would disband the creature, we would have a defense. Otherwise, we’re…”

“Buttered toast!”

“Uhh well put, Ed.” Edd stirred several boiling pots then turned to the others, “Don’t just stand there, contact the others! We need all the assistance we can acquire in a precarious situation like this!”

“Ok… try English Double D!”

Edd sighed, rolling his eyes, “Call the other kids, we’ll need help.”

“Right! Call Rolf, Kevin, Nazz, and Johnny, Jimmy!” Sarah ordered.

“Since the “Slorpes” are lurking around here, we should have them join us elsewhere… perhaps the playground would be best,” Edd suggested.

The cul-de-sac kids soon knew of the Slorpes that invaded their peaceful, if not sometimes boring suburban lives. Each was ready to fight rather than give up. As planned, they all met at the park soon after. All except Edd, who stayed a few steps behind to perfect his monster dissolving formula.

*****

“So what’s all this ‘bout a monster?” Kevin asked.

“The Slorpes have traveled from their swamp planet home to terrorize us all!” Ed answered.

“It is true! Rolf has seen these monsters! They taunt Victor in the night!”

“They’re hideous!” Jimmy added in less of a lisp now that his headgear was in a normal state once more.

“Monsters! Really? What’s that, Plank? You’ve seen em’ too?! No! They didn’t! Plank says one tried to make a toothpick out of him!”

“But how can we fight monsters, guys?” Nazz questioned.

“With this!” Edd appeared through the gate to the playground, holding up a bottle of cloudy liquid. “It’s a simple formula, but it will work.”

“Well Double-Dork, here’s your chance to test it!” Kevin sputtered, pointing to the monster lumbering towards Edd.

“Kevin, this isn’t a joke!” Nazz elbowed him, “Good luck Double D!”

“Eek!” Jimmy ran to Sarah, hiding his face in her shoulder, “I can’t stand to watch!”

“Beat him like soiled undergarments Double-d-ed boy!” Rolf chanted.

“Get im’ Double D!” Sarah added.

“Do it for Eddy!” Ed shouted.

Edd stumbled back a few steps but the encouragement from the others gave him confidence and courage he never thought he had. He twisted the cap off of the bottle and stepped towards the “Slorpe”. Before he even got a chance to splash a drop of the formula onto the monster, it attacked. Edd lost his breath for a moment nearly blacking out. When he looked down, he discovered why. The monster’s claws were embedded deeply into his chest and stomach. Despite the shock, he found the strength to splash the monster right in the face with the solution, causing it to shrink back into the bushes, screeching like a scared bird.

Edd however was left in a mess. He managed to wobble over to a tree where he let himself fall to the ground. He leaned against the tree, barely breathing. The others surrounded him, each wearing a mask of disbelief. Ed crept over and knelt near his friend.

“You did it Double D! Everything’ll be ok now!”

Edd let out a soft moan and peered at Ed through one half opened eye, “Delusional as always, eh Ed?” he muttered before his rattling breath failed him.

The only thing the kids could do was stare in awe. Even Kevin found himself removing his hat in respect for the fellow cul-de-sac dweller’s sacrifice.

Ed let out a sob and cried, “Now botha my friends are gone!” He sat staring at his fallen friend for a few moments before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and was surprised to see Sarah standing beside him with tears in her eyes. For the first time ever, she showed a bit of kindness to her brother by offering him a sisterly hug. She needed it as much as Ed, though, since she still harbored a crush on the smartest of the Eds.

“Those things’ll wish they’d never been born once we’re thru with em’.” Johnny proclaimed as he pulled a piece of paper from Edd’s pocket.

“What’s that?” Jimmy enquired.

“It’s Double D’s formula!” Nazz interrupted, snatching the paper from Johnny, “And I can make it!”

“Hey Nazz, my house is closest, an’ I got awesome water guns for that stuff! Wanna go there to make it?” Kevin suggested.

“Awesome! Come with us Rolf! We’ll make lots of this stuff. The rest of you should go find some other stuff we can use to fight. Meet back here in an hour guys!”

“Oh I think I just thunk! Mom’s got stuff in the garage we can use!” Ed ran towards the cul-de-sac with Johnny (and Plank), Sarah, and Jimmy trailing after him.

“Hey wait… what about Double- where’d he go?” Nazz looked around for Edd but the sock-hat wearing Ed was nowhere to be found.

“He has been taken to the monster’s lair!” Rolf spat out.

“So what now then?”

“Come on, let’s get outta here!” Kevin grabbed up his bike and walked it towards his house so the others would be able to follow.

*****

Exactly 55 minutes later, the front door to Ed and Sarah’s house swung open. Sarah was the first to emerge wielding a hamburger flipper and wearing a colander on her head, a pink sheet with purple flowers tied around her neck, and a belt strapped around her chest. Jimmy stepped out after her, brandishing a spatula. His choice of attire consisted of a saucepan for a helmet and a green sheet for a cape. Johnny jumped out next wearing a trench coat that was way too big for him, a blue and white sock tied around his head and a makeshift quiver strapped onto his back to hold extra artillery. Plank and Johnny both chose whisks for their weapons (Plank’s was tied to him with twine). Last, Ed came into view with a frying pan on his head and a ladle in each hand.

“Attack the Slorpes!”

The group looked cautiously around the cul-de-sac for any sign of the monsters. Upon seeing an empty street, they forged on towards the park. They barely made it 5 steps before they heard violent rustling and a shriek that could only have come from Jimmy.

Sarah whipped around to protect her friend but found no trace of him, “Jimmy! JIMMY!” She screamed his name over and over until she was in tears. There was no answer. Ed put his hand on his sister’s shoulder as the group continued their journey to the park.

“Those monsters’ll pay for taking Jimmy!” Sarah vowed, drying her tears.

Upon arriving at the park, the 3 cul-de-sac kids discovered that the other group found heavier artillery. Kevin managed to dig up a nice array of water guns for his group. All 3 wore plastic packs on their backs filled with the monster-dissolving formula. Kevin brandished 2 small water pistols each connected to the pack with plastic tubing. Nazz and Rolf each carried a large squirt gun, also attached to their formula storing backpacks with plastic tubes. Nazz managed to find a Rambo-style, purple sweatband for her forehead.

“Where’s Jimmy? Don’t tell me he wimped out!” Kevin spouted.

“They got ‘im…” Sarah muttered.

“Oh no!” Nazz hugged Sarah, “We’ll destroy ‘em all Sarah! Are we ready to fight guys!?”

“Yeah!”

“Then let’s find us some monsters!”

“OOOH, I know! Lets sprout wings and fly over the park so we can see them!”

“Um Ed, try something more… realistic.” Nazz suggested.

“Uh… then everyone with a water gun, should look for Slorpes with someone who doesn’t have one!”

“Wow! The dork had a good plan for once! So if ya find one of those things, lead em’ back here!” Kevin added.

“And shout “YEE HAW!” as a signal to the rest of us!” Johnny blurted.

“Eh whatever, Johnny…” Nazz sighed, “Well, I’m with Sarah!”

“Come with Rolf, Johnny, no?”

“Plank can come too, right?”

“Yes yes, Let us go Johnny wood boy.”

“Oh great. That leaves me with dork here.”

“My fellow space outlaw! We will be like brothers and look out for each other!”

“Yeah… great… come on dork.”

*****

“Johnny wood boy? Do Rolf’s ears deceive him?”

“… Plank says he heard something too.”

“You think it is a how you say Splorte?”

“Slorp, Rolf, slorp.”

Before Rolf could respond, the two boys caught a glimpse of the monster’s glowing yellow eyes. From out of the bushes, a clawed hand swiped plank from Johnny’s grasp.

“PLANK! I’ll save you buddy!” Johnny leapt into the bush while Rolf shot the monster dissolving solution in the general area of the fray. Johnny let out a scream then managed to muster out words and syllables, “Plank, run! You can still make it buddy! No! Don’t hurt him! PLANK!!!!” All noises turned to silence after one last chomping sound. Rolf surveyed the area like a rabbit knowing a wolf was waiting to prey on it.

When he heard no more sound, not even the rustling of the wind through the leaves, he sighed with relief. Next thing he knew he was on the ground, one of the “Slorpes” ready to devour him alive.

*****

“You hear that Sarah?”

“Uh-huh…”

“Sounds like Rolf and Johnny are done for!”

“That means there’s only 4 of us left…”

“Oh no… Sarah, tell me that was your foot steps I heard…”

“You mean they weren’t yours?”

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Both girls screamed in unison.

*****

“That’s it, we’re gonners… that was the girls!” Kevin spoke in a panicked tone.

“We can still win!”

“Um Ed, quit breathing down my back.”

“That is not me, Kevin.”

“Uh-oh…”

Kevin disappeared into the bushes with a strangled scream, his artillery falling to the ground at Ed’s feet. Flailing limbs appeared above the branches accompanied by a gurgled roar. Finally the commotion stopped leaving Ed alone.

Ed picked up the water pistols and strapped the plastic, solution-filled pack to his back.

“No one eats my friends and gets away with it! Evil Slorpes, come out and fight!”

Slorpes emerged from every direction, 8 of them in all. Ed began shooting everything that moved with Edd’s formula. Soon the entire area was soaked and 7 monsters had gone down.

Ed huffed from the exertion leaving himself open for the claws of the last “Slorp” to slice his back. He whirled around, hitting the last one right in the face. It screamed and fell just as the others had.

Ed fell to the ground feeling hopelessly lost.

“Wounded and alone, will the last brave warrior make it safely home…”

“Ed… Ed, it’s time to go home for dinner!” Sarah shouted, climbing out from under a “Slorp” costume, “Bleh, you got my clothes all wet, Ed!”

“Sarah?! Baby sister, you’re alive!!!”

The other kids began to emerge from their costumes.

“Eddy, Double D!” Ed ran to his friends delivering the biggest bear hug he could muster, “Ow! My back hurts!”

“Oh Ed come on, you know you’re not hurt. It was all made up. Remember… Eddy pretended to be eaten so he could appear as the first monster…?”

“But it was so real guys!”

“That’s why we left you “alive” Lumpy. You’re the only one of us who would think it was real and not blow it all!” Eddy snickered.

“Hey guys. I have a question…” Nazz spoke up, “How did you guys fake Double D’s death? I mean he was like, bleeding and everything.”

“Ah the wonders of ketchup and food coloring, I made up a solution to give the appearance of blood. I simply poured it into a plastic bag, and hid that in my shirt so that when Eddy attacked me, it would burst open.” Edd answered.

“Well at least that was one day we weren’t bored to tears, eh Plank?”

“Right you are Johnny-boy, which brings up the subject of payment. Day free of boredom… going rate’s a quarter a piece.” Eddy’s eyes glowed.

“I knew that was coming! I ain’t payin, Dorkey!”

“If you didn’t wanna pay, you shouldn’t have played along!” Eddy protested.

“Aw come on Kevin! That was fun. I think I’d pay a quarter for that. Being a monster was awesome, guys.” Nazz deposited a quarter into Eddy’s jar.

Johnny and Plank each added theirs, followed by Rolf, Jimmy, Sarah, and finally even Kevin, though he mumbled something about being ripped off as he sauntered away.

“I can’t believe it boys! A scam that finally worked! Let’s go get some jawbreakers!”

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