Chapter 1 - Raven

I stared out of the window dejectedly. I had just saved the world, my father had no more control of me, Azarath, as well as Arella, were safe, and I have become considerably more open. (Not to mention I was awarded extra helpings of French toast during the aftermath party.) But still something was nagging at the corner of my brain; like my sub-conscience was tapping at a file that was stuck within the cabinet of my mind. I just couldn't put my finger on it, and it bothered me to the point that I was skipping meals to meditate. Everyone thought I was sick or something and left me alone. (Though this illness excuse was very convenient, it was also absurd. My healing abilities boost my immune system immensely and it is therefore impossible for me to contract any disease.) But my meditation sessions proved nothing except an increase of the feeling that there was something that was just out of my reach. I became so irritable that Starfire stopped asking me to “do the hanging out” (which she had been doing every day at exactly 12:14:56) and Beast Boy started to wonder if I had become a portal for yet another universe-conquering demon.

Finally the answer presented itself, and it was so obvious that I was amazed that I didn't realize it immediately. But I was too thick-headed I didn't realize it until around 2:00 am the following week. (Funny how answers always present themselves in the middle of the night- I'm assuming that your sub-conscience takes over when you conscience that you normally feel during the day is at rest.) That day Robin was sitting at the window staring at a book, and I could tell he wasn't reading-not because his eyes weren't moving, with that mask it is impossible to tell- but his fingers weren't moving. It's an annoying habit of Robins to tap on the book he's reading. I sat down next to him and decided to be blunt:

“Something the matter?”

Robin looked up startled. He obviously had been so deep in thought he hadn't noticed me just looming over him. Huh. Weird. I didn't think Robin could have a deep thought. I do like Robin- don't get me wrong- but he doesn't normally seem to pry too deeply into things. When things are given to him, he takes them straight up. He closed the book he hadn't been reading and replied:

“No- what gave you that idea?” Yeah right like I'll believe that.

“You seem distracted- and before you ask me how I know let me tell you it's painfully obvious.”

He sighed, “Yeah, it's just after Trigon left, I thought the only thing we would be doing is stopping Slade, and he's no where to be found.”

That was it. The distracting nagging was gone only to be replaced by the nervous feeling in my stomach at Slade's name. That was really weird- I don't think that had ever happened before. Or, at least, that's what I told myself. But I had to answer Robin, so I pulled out the most pathetic response I think I've ever told.

“Oh. Okay. Alright”

I could have hit myself. Robin didn't seem to notice though, thankfully, he had fallen back to musing about this lack of Slade. I swept to my feet and went to my room to think about the odd churn in my middle. But when I sat down to meditate with my mirror- because I obviously assumed it had something to do with my emotions- I had this sudden urge not to. And for some odd reason, I obeyed. I stuck my mirror back on my table, and got up and left. I told myself something about being hungry, though I really wasn't and left my room.

Over the next week, the same thing happened every night and every morning I would sit down to enter my mind, and something else would come up distracting me that was somehow so much more important then my current task and I would get up and leave. On the rare occasion it really was more important, like a mission, I would be so eager to not have to make up an excuse and still be able to leave, I would just phase through my floor to the lowest level where we all met to leave. (You have to understand that though I perform it quite often, phasing through things isn't the most pleasant feeling- like you are being crushed between a dryer and an extremely obese person on an already packed subway car. This feeling worsens the longer you are phasing- the person next to you has been eating one to many Wonka bars.) Then Friday night, or technically Saturday morning, at 2 am, I awoke. And it hit me. What the feeling was. What was nagging at me. The lack of Slade. I was…. missing his presence. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to hear another one of his scathing remarks. And that feeling in the pit of my stomach, was that a feeling of longing, or….. love? I couldn't believe it. I couldn't stand it. I threw back my covers and without even bothering to put on my cloak, I threw myself into the pits of the emotional abyss of my mind.

I found what I was seeking quite easily. She was right there, and the image that took over the normal background of night and the road and islands with one tree on it was my room. Except it had changed so much and in such a way, I almost gagged. The walls were covered with pictures of Slade. Pictures of all shapes and sizes. Pictures that each had a different image of Slade on it. Profile view, third quarter. There he was narrowing his eye. There he was jumping out of the way of Robin's bird-arang. There was a picture of him grabbing me, on that fateful day he came back. I shuddered, yet somehow, I really liked it. Somehow, I wanted to stay in that room, and just stare all day long. She must have noticed. She jumped out of the shadows of the room to mummer at me,

“You like it don't you?”

I jumped at the sound- I had been inspecting the picture of Slade holding me with his head close to mine and really didn't want to look away, but I did.

“I- uh- It's interesting.”

She grinned. Love looked a lot different than I thought. She was decked in not the normal robes that I and all my other emotions wore. She instead wore a floor length dress that looked like a cross between a fancy wedding dress and a prom dress in a deep mauve; the dress however did have a hood like my robes. God it was odd to see me like that.

“I knew you would like it. I spent so much time preparing it. For some reason, you never seemed to acknowledge me like you did all the others. But you are now”

She laughed and clapped her hands together. I tried to ignore the fact that I knew she was right.

“I don't know what you were thinking, but I am in love with no one, and especially not Slade.”

I tried to be lofty about it, but she just shook her finger and clucked her tongue and continued speaking in that low mummer of her voice.

“You can't say that. Your feelings for him have grown incredibly over time. You were already- dare I say it- “crushing” on him when Robin was his apprentice. The less you saw of him, the more your feelings for him grew. When Terra betrayed you for Slade and became his second apprentice, your feelings of distrust erupted into feelings of hate and envy. Why chose this pathetic girl for his trainee, when right there in front of his nose was you? When you and she were fighting and she started to ask you what “hurt the most” you immediately thought of Slade. The more she taunted you the more your feeling of loss on your side was, and it burst. Then he “died” and you were caught between immense sorrow for your love and relief. You can't feel this way about him, and now he was gone and you didn't have to worry about it. Then he came back- and finally!- it was for you! He acknowledged you, was coming for you, but it was because of Trigon and your love and joy was drowned in fear of your father. Now he's gone and all you want is him back.”

She smiled, and I knew I was blushing. She was right and I felt so ashamed. How could I feel affection for someone who was trying to destroy me? I turned and fled back to my room.

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