Chapter 6 - "It's not just about the pudding anymore..."

They entered the giant queen's chamber. It was very dark. In the corner of the room. Jack noticed an arm chair that could've very well held two or three of himself. Not a good sign. The queen didn't appear to be present, as far as one could see. But THAT was before Jack heard the soft, wheeze-like breaths coming from the darkness...
The guard alien sat Jack down on his butt, sitting him upright. In fear, Jack curled his knees up to his chest in a little defensive ball. The leader put his foot onto Jack's back and pushed him forward. Then, all of the aliens bowed. The leader got down on his knees.
"Oh, fair queen of the Land of Stalk!" he said gallantly. "We have brought you this year's sacrifice!"
Jack watched in horror as something stirred in the darkness before him. Two cat-like eyes the size of baseballs glared out at him. Then out came the rest of her...She was indeed a giant, as Jill had said. She was about three times Jack's size! Her lips were large and Elvis-like, and her skin was saggy. Her body was built like that of the other aliens', but (as she was female) she had breasts. Horrible, dropping breasts like that of an old lady!
"Geeze, I've seen smaller knockers on DOORS!" Jack commented.
Not a good thing to say. The queen lifted Jack by the collar of his shirt and brought him up to her height. Jack dangled helplessly as she roared in his face with hot, sour breath that smelled a bit like nicotine.
"For THAT," she said, "I will devour you limb by limb! And when I get to your body, I will chew slowly!"
Jack knew his fate. He braced himself to be eaten alive. At least Heaven wouldn't be bad...But then, the queen tore Jack's bindings, so as to free his limbs for eating. Jack saw the window of opportunity! Quickly, he whipped out his pocket knife and stabbed the queen in the roof of her mouth! She released Jack with a horrible scream! Grabbing a giant back-scratcher at the foot of her giant bed, Jack began to beat his way through the alien crowd.
He then made a run for the ball room. The now not-so-secret passageway was narrow, so very few aliens could follow him through it at one time. Meanwhile, the queen pulled the knife from her mouth and chased after him like a wounded grizzly bear. Back at the ball room, Jack was grabbing his sword that he'd dropped upon being captured just as the queen burst in. With a scream, Jack ducked into the passageway just in time to miss her hand swiping at him.
She, as she was a giant, could not fit. Her alien henchmen arrived behind her. Pointing to the leader, she yelled, "Go after him! We'll go around outside and catch him!"
Jack ran down the spiraling stairs, praying to God that he wouldn't trip or run into a wall. That's when he heard the frantic slapping of webbed feet behind him. Unsure of how many of them there were, he sped up, unprepared to fight a lot of them. Finally, he came across the little tunnel. Getting down on all fours, he prepared to crawl through. Suddenly, the leader alien appeared behind him. A little gasp escaped Jack. Not wanting to waste anymore time, Jack tore through the tunnel as fast as his hands and his knees could take him. The leader tried to follow him, but alas, he was too fat.
Outside, Jill was waiting for Jack when she saw the queen and her hoard charging at her. With a gasp, she said to herself, "she must have discovered the secret passageway! Poor Jack!"
However, before she could say another word, Jack popped out of the tunnel. He grabbed her by her wrist and ran for the hole that he had entered the strange land through. She quickly objected, "aren't you going to vanquish the queen?!"
"Are you kiddin'?!" Jack panted. "It's not worth it! Why would ya wanna rule a crappy place like this, ANYWAY?!"
Finding the hole, he quickly dug it bigger with his sword. Then, tucking the sword into his triple row belt and grabbing Jill around the waist and hugging her tightly to him, he jumped through. The queen caught up moments later and began to dig the hole big enough for herself with her bare hands. Meanwhile, Jack and Jill were free-falling from the sky...
"Jack! Are you CRAZY?!" Jill screamed. "When we hit the bottom, we're gonna die!!!"
"Don't worry!" Jack told her. "I gotta cool plan! Just trust me!"
Up above them, the queen was climbing down with the speed and agility of a squirrel. It was her claws that allowed her to do this. She was only about twenty feet away from catching up to them. This wasn't too bad of a stride for a giant. She'd have them soon...
Just as the ground came closer and closer to the couple, Jack pulled his sword from his belt. He then stabbed it into the stalk. Down and down they continued to fall, slicing a trail in the stalk as they did so. However, the further the sword sliced, the slower they fell. they got slower and slower until they finally stopped, dangling by the sword only two feet or less from the ground.
Jack pulled the sword out and the two of them fell lightly to their feet. They looked up, now that they weren't falling to their deaths. They had done some impressive damage to the stalk, but it was still standing, and the queen was still climbing downward with great speed. Jack knew what to do. Taking his sword, he attempted to chop down the stalk. Alas, it didn't do very well...
"Dag it! All that slicing made my sword blunt!" Jack yelled in distress. "It won't chop it!"
"Oh, Jack! What will we do now?!" Jill cried. "She'll get us for sure!"
That's when an idea hit Jack. He knew what to do. Reaching into his pocket, he produced his lighter.
"It's not just about the pudding anymore..." he said.
He then bent over, butt aimed for the stalk. Then he lit the lighter. At the same time, a great blast of gas escaped his pants. The flame rose to a mighty height and engulfed the base of the stalk. The flames continued upward, burning everything it touched...including the queen.
Down came the stalk, queen and all, falling down on and destroying half of Suburbia. It now all lay in a dead, smoldering heap. The impact of the fall forced some sort of object out of the dead queen's belly button. It flew upward and landed at Jack's feet. Picking it up and wiping the soot from it, he found that it was no other than the golden chicken! Now Jack stood sword, damsel, and treasure all in hand and the monster laying slain at his feet.
"Well, Jack. You've saved me, slain the horrible giant queen, and collected all the treasure you could ever want." Jill said. "Will you EVER look at life the same way again?"
"It doesn't matter..." Jack said after a moment of hesitation. "I'll probably get hit by a car anyway."

FIN

You are not authorized to comment here. Your must be registered and logged in to comment