Chapter 1 - The beginning of their adventure...
Submitted November 30, 2007 Updated April 10, 2010 Status Complete | my old story. This is where it was when I started on it A WHILE AGO. Please go to my redone version if you want tobegin it with QUALITY. If not, stay here and enjoy the crap. REDONE VERSION: http://www.fanart-central.net/story-56710.html
Category:
Fantasy |
Chapter 1 - The beginning of their adventure...
Chapter 1 - The beginning of their adventure...
our story begins when a young teen,Eric Psyria,steps out of his house to meet his friends...
"Bye,mom!" The teen said as he stepped out the door and ran down the block.This is where our story begins.Eric is extremely smart.A's in all classes,and recommended for colleges while in 5th grade.Still,he loves being a kid and just hanging out.Today he promised his friends he'd meet at the basketball court near the kids playground.He ran until he reached a small trailer park and slid as he turned directions in it.The place was like a maze,one turn after another.and that's just how his friend,Brandon Forshire,liked it.As soon as he reached for the door at the right trailer,he stepped to the right and a couple seconds later a teen jumped out riding a skateboard all over the tops of the trailers and all around the place.
He eventually stopped in front of Eric and said "Yo,Psy!ready to go?"
"yea,i'm set.i think little miss stick has the ball so let's go and pick her up."of course he was referring to his friend,May Ferrial,who clings to every little posession she has.So they both headed over to her house,Brandon skating and Eric trying to keep up by running.Eventually, they got there and knocked on the door.The door opened and May's friend and theirs,Christina Kylie,appeared in the doorway.
"Hey boys.Here for the ball?" They nodded and she opened the door more gesturing for them to come in.Christina was really nice,and loves to support her friends.Still though,she often gives people the cold shoulder."It's over by the coffee table.i'll get my shoes on." it was a saturday and Christina slept over on friday.The boys walked over and grabbed the ball while hearing some footsteps coming down the stairs.May saw all of them and ran right over to Eric and Brandon.
"Good!you guys are here already!hey,you won't believe what i found the other day!" She held up a little dog(but not a puppy)."A CUTE LITTLE DOG!" "Ruff!" the dog barked strangely,practically saying "ruff" like it was a word.
"You found a dog?" Eric said scratching the dogs head.
"Yep,and i love him!so,are we ready to go?" she said squeezing the dog in her arms.
"Yeah,let's go.no more waiting." Christina said already heading out the door.
Everybody then immedietly walked out the door with May locking it behind them with her key.They all then headed to the basketball court next to the toxic waste dump area and the kids playground.(even May's new dog,Ruff)They all played basketball for a while and then the basketball was thrown far over towards the dump.(you can guess what happens but in case you can't,i'll shorten it for you)
(toxic waste falls on all of them[even the dog])
--------------------------------------
BLANK SPACE,COMMENT WHAT YOU THINK.
*Don't worry, this entire story is a prototype, later chapters are much better.*
"Bye,mom!" The teen said as he stepped out the door and ran down the block.This is where our story begins.Eric is extremely smart.A's in all classes,and recommended for colleges while in 5th grade.Still,he loves being a kid and just hanging out.Today he promised his friends he'd meet at the basketball court near the kids playground.He ran until he reached a small trailer park and slid as he turned directions in it.The place was like a maze,one turn after another.and that's just how his friend,Brandon Forshire,liked it.As soon as he reached for the door at the right trailer,he stepped to the right and a couple seconds later a teen jumped out riding a skateboard all over the tops of the trailers and all around the place.
He eventually stopped in front of Eric and said "Yo,Psy!ready to go?"
"yea,i'm set.i think little miss stick has the ball so let's go and pick her up."of course he was referring to his friend,May Ferrial,who clings to every little posession she has.So they both headed over to her house,Brandon skating and Eric trying to keep up by running.Eventually, they got there and knocked on the door.The door opened and May's friend and theirs,Christina Kylie,appeared in the doorway.
"Hey boys.Here for the ball?" They nodded and she opened the door more gesturing for them to come in.Christina was really nice,and loves to support her friends.Still though,she often gives people the cold shoulder."It's over by the coffee table.i'll get my shoes on." it was a saturday and Christina slept over on friday.The boys walked over and grabbed the ball while hearing some footsteps coming down the stairs.May saw all of them and ran right over to Eric and Brandon.
"Good!you guys are here already!hey,you won't believe what i found the other day!" She held up a little dog(but not a puppy)."A CUTE LITTLE DOG!" "Ruff!" the dog barked strangely,practically saying "ruff" like it was a word.
"You found a dog?" Eric said scratching the dogs head.
"Yep,and i love him!so,are we ready to go?" she said squeezing the dog in her arms.
"Yeah,let's go.no more waiting." Christina said already heading out the door.
Everybody then immedietly walked out the door with May locking it behind them with her key.They all then headed to the basketball court next to the toxic waste dump area and the kids playground.(even May's new dog,Ruff)They all played basketball for a while and then the basketball was thrown far over towards the dump.(you can guess what happens but in case you can't,i'll shorten it for you)
(toxic waste falls on all of them[even the dog])
--------------------------------------
BLANK SPACE,COMMENT WHAT YOU THINK.
*Don't worry, this entire story is a prototype, later chapters are much better.*
Comments
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power9x on July 5, 2009, 2:13:27 AM
power9x on
shadowpiplup on August 8, 2008, 11:46:54 PM
shadowpiplup on
awesome-le-awesome start!nextguardian on July 21, 2008, 12:59:31 PM
nextguardian on
Great start!
Positives:
A standard super group story would work out well, especially for an episodic nature. Spelling is good.
Negatives:
First of all, the plot's beyond conveluted. WHO THE frack BUILDS A PLAYGROUND NEXT TO A NUCLEAR WASTE SITE! WHAT KIND OF KIDS JUST RUN OUT AND SAY: "Gee, let's go get the ball out of the stuff that is likely to kill us!". If your ridiculous level exceeds a silver age comic, then you've got problems. Also, the characters aren't fleshed out in the slightest. They need to be less generic. And finally, the formating needs work. It's readable, but needs improvement.The grammar too.
I'll probably nitpick at the plot more as I go along, but so far, there's problems. I congradulate you on the length, which is rare for things here, but if it's like this, 1000 mindfracks are bound to happen. 1 out of 5 (Bad, but salvageable)