Chapter 4 - Catus amat pisces, sed non vult tingere plan tarn

Catus amat pisces, sed non vult tingere plan tarn.
(The cat loves fish, but doesn't like to wet her feet.)
(Translation from inrebus.com)


Kimihiro was debating where to stay for the night. Last night, he had curled up in the hotel near the airport. He couldn’t do that forever. So where to live…and bathe…

The giant bath was tempting, but there was no way Kimihiro was gonna do that. He’d get mauled by girls (in a bad way). Besides, his physique wasn’t so stellar that he’d show it off readily. Funnily enough, his answer came flying out of a dorm room door.

“YOU’RE NOT GONNA STINK UP MY DORM ROOM!”

“ASUNA-SAN!!!”

Asuna was dragging Negi toward the baths, apparently, considering they were both clad in swimsuits.

“Ah! Sensei! Where’s the men’s bath!”

Asuna glared at Kimihiro, but then got a bright idea. “Good, another guy! YOU can wash the runt’s hair! There IS no men’s bath, genius. All girl’s school- duh!”

“I have no idea where the bath is. And, no offense Kaguraza-san, but two guys in a bath together, at night, in an all-girl’s school…sounds too much like a yaoi manga for me…” Kimihiro muttered in reply, wondering is Asuna ever got in trouble for manhandling the teacher.

“Oh, you’re familiar with yaoi?” Asuna shot back, a nasty grin spreading across her face.

“NO! But still, I don’t know where the bath is. You’re already dressed for it, how about you lead the way?”

“Sure seems like Kimihiro wants to bathe with you, Asuna…” Konoka teased both Kimihiro and Ryouko. Both of their faces turned angry shades of red.

“I thought it was YOU I had the O-miai with?” Ryouko tried to joke back. Asuna rapped him on the head- light enough to avoid injury, hard enough to tell him not to try anything.
Kimihiro wasn’t sure how to react.

I’ve never had friends that were girls… Heck, I’ve never had friends at all! I don’t know how to tease, or play, or anything! But I hope I can learn.

Konoka tugged her towel out from inside the room. “Well, sure, if you don’t mind Set-chan killing you…”

Kimihiro paled. “Let’s not go there…”
-

The four walked to the bath. Well, Negi was dragged there by Asuna, truthfully. Once they were there, Kimihiro let out a gasp.

“It’s enormous! I’ve never seen a bath so huge! Then again, it’s my first time in Japan, it’s my first time ever seeing one in person.”

“It has room for a hundred. The girls all live here, you know. And over there-”

As Asuna explained the whole bath thing, Kimihiro let his mind wander a little bit.
I’d love to meet one of these girls. I mean, go out with them. The gossip would be unbearable, but kind of fun. I wonder which girl I should pick? Or should she pick me? Maybe I should stop thinking about this. I mean, focus, bath time. Lots of etiquette.

“So, Kimihiro, where are you staying?”

Konoka asked the question Kimihiro wanted to avoid.

“Uh, well, y’see, I…was, uh…never assigned a room. So I’m kind of fending for myself off-campus…”

A thought seemed to hit Kimihiro at that moment. WHY it hadn’t occurred to him before now was another question, but for now.

“Wait, I can’t be here! Girls bathe here!”

“Uh, yeah! What did you think me and Konoka were?” Asuna snapped sarcastically.

“Yeah, but you know I’m here. And no one’s naked! But what if one of the girls comes in and I’m here and…”

Kimihiro was panicking now. He couldn’t be here! No way, uh-uh! Now, he wanted nothing better than to hang around, but if he got caught, he would be expelled!
If I live that long! he though desperately, picturing Tatsumiya-san’s pistol.

“Ugh! You’re right! Hey, you, Negi-bozu, can’t you do something about that? Like, make him a girl or something?”

Negi took out a small practice wand he carried with him. “Of course! This might hurt in the genital area a bit, but it should reattach…”

“HELL NO!” Kimihiro shouted, hiding behind Asuna.

“Alright, how about an illusion then?” Negi asked. “You’ll look and sound like a girl to the others, but you’ll still be yourself.”

Kimihiro looked hesitant, but he thought he heard girls coming. “Will my clothes and…y’know…look girl-ish, too?”

“Yes, absolutely! And you can bathe normally as well, and no one will be the wiser!”

“Why do I feel like this is a mistake?” Kimihiro moaned. But he went ahead and let Negi do the spell:

“Rastel Maskil Magister: Puella est error, decipio!”

With a brilliant flash of light, the illusion was complete. Kimihiro appeared as a short-haired brunette, clad in the Mahora Academy uniform.

“Kyaa! So cuuuuteeee!” Konoka cheered, hugging Kimihiro. Asuna crossed her arms, unimpressed.

“Your stupid illusion didn’t work!” she growled, thwapping Negi on the head.

“Asuna-san, it did work. Remember, you have the magic canceling ability. That’s why Kimihiro still looks like himself. To the others, he looks like a girl.”

As the towel-clad Konoka let go of Kimihiro (Kimihiro had since pressed his own towel to his nose to stop the blood flow), a thought struck Kimihiro.

“Then won’t Asuna-san be able to see my… I mean, once I strip… she’ll be able to see…y’know…everything. And I’ll be able to see… Oh my God!”

“Oh please, it’s not like I’ve never seen it before!” Asuna shot back. She’d had to bathe Negi, so it’s not like she didn’t know what guys looked like down there…

“Yeah, but not mine!!!” Kimihiro retorted. “And I’ve never seen a girl naked!”

“Oh please, that stuff’s all over the internet! And if you haven’t yet, you’re about to see plenty naked! So get your clothes off and get in the water!”

Blushing heavily, Kimihiro stripped, making sure to keep himself covered. He sat down by a tap and washed as quickly as he could.
This HAS to be sexual harassment, Asuna-san! he thought viciously. Then again, what kind of guy complains about some girl begging him to get naked? And then I’m suppose to bathe with thirty-one girls? I’d be retarded to say no!

The sound of coming females made Kimihiro’s blood rush- to the all the wrong places. He had to force himself to remember that they couldn’t see. But he could. Now a moral battle engaged in his mind:

To peep or no to peep? ‘Tis the question. Whether ‘tis more nobler…oh hell! I can’t look! I want to, I REAAAALLLLYYY want to, but that’s a betrayal of the girl’s trust. I’ll bathe fast and get out of here just as fast. I’ve got work tomorrow anyway.[/b]

“Hey, are you new here?”

A kind voice shook Kimihiro out of his trance. Despite himself, he turned around. A small sound escaped his lips, and he quickly shut his eyes. In front of him was a naked girl! But which one?

“Yuna-san, don’t harass the new girl!”

Asuna to the rescue! She managed to get Yuna talking about basketball (her club activity), allowing Kimihiro to towel off and get out.

“Leaving so soon?”

Another girl! This one was nurse’s aid, Ako. Inevitably, a nurse-filled scenario ran through Kimihiro’s head.

“Yeah, we don’t even know your name!” More shouts of encouragement came, urging Kimihiro to share his name When he spoke, he was surprised to found that he sounded like the girl he was masquerading as.

“M-my name is Ki…Ki, uh…Kimiko! Kimiko, uh, Kokoanten! Yes! It’s so nice to meet you all! I’m, uh, in class 3-B! I was so sure this was their bath time! Please forgive my intrusion!”

Oh, this is bad! This is SOOOOO bad! I’ve gotta get out of here! These girl’s will maul me! Just how reliable IS Negi-sensei’s magic?! And oh crap- Sakurazaki-san’s here! She can sense the magic! GAH!

Kimihiro ran for it, saying something about a stomachache. He grabbed his clothes and took off out the door.

“What was THAT about?” Fumika Narutaki wondered.

“I don’t know oneechan. Pretty deep voice for a girl…” Fuuka said in reply.

“Yeah, but with breasts like those? No WAY those were real on a girl her size!” Kazumi Asakura intoned. She was making notes on the ‘new girl’. “Those things were at least ‘C’ level, right?”
-

Kimihiro dressed quickly, then started to walk out. He passed one of the ancient mirrors around the academy, and noticed, with horror, that he still looked like a girl!

Oh damn! Gotta find Negi-sensei! QUICK! I can’t stay like this! What if it’s permanent?!
…
Then I’ll kill him! And Hasegawa-san will be happy!

“HEY! You aren’t supposed to be wandering at this hour!”

A teacher Kimihiro didn’t know came running after him. Kimihiro thought quickly, and replied by forcing himself to blush bashfully and look up through his eyes. It worked well for girls, so maybe it would work while he was posing as one…

“I’m sorry, sensei! I got lost! I’m knew here, and I was looking for Negi Springfield-sensei’s dorm for help with homework. I’ve been wandering for an hour, and I just found my way! It won’t happen again, sir!”

The sensei was known as one of the toughest, but he let it go. “We were all new once. Alright, but make sure Negi-sensei walks you to your dorm room. Understood, miss?”

“Yes, sensei! Thank you so much!”

-
Having finally reached Negi’s room, Kimihiro had him remove the spell.

“Such a friendly bunch,” Kimihiro commented, referring to the girls. “Man, they really don’t like me as a guy. But as girl, it was all smiles. Females are such devious creatures. I just don’t get them!”

“Obviously, you brain-dead moron! You say something like that while there are two of us in the room?!” Asuna chided Kimihiro. “Seriously, you’re all gentlemanly, but you have no clue! I mean, you don’t give us anything to talk about! Girls like to gossip about boys, but you don’t give us any material!”

“Sorry I’m so boring,” Kimihiro replied sarcastically. He stretched his arms behind his head. “I really do want to make friends, though. I was happy to come here, you know? I mean, it’s not like I made friends in America. Even though I’m out of place here, I’m really enjoying it.”

There was silence for a moment. Kimihiro seemed relaxed about his statement, but all the others (Who had no trouble making friends) felt bad for him. That led Konoka to break the akward silence.

“So, Kimi-kun, where are you staying?”

Kimihiro shrugged. “Nowhere, really. I mean, McDowell-san offered to put me up, but I didn’t feel right about that. Not least of all because she bit me in class to get my attention. What’s up with her, anyway? I mean, is she seriously a vampire?”

Negi, Asuna, and Chamo all knew about magic, and that’s really where their mind was now. They were studying Kimihiro, wondering how deep his magic ran. True to his word, he hadn’t mentioned magic since accidentally seeing Negi use it. He hadn’t met Chamo yet, and that was about to change.

Chamo climbed up onto Kimihiro’s shoulder, smoking a huge cigarette.

“Hey, niisan, how about we find out how deep your magical abilities run?”

“Who or what are you?!” Kimihiro exclaimed in surprise.

“I’m Albert Chamomile, better known as ‘Chamo’. I’m Negi’s little brother, y’know. And Aniki here, along with Anesan (Asuna) and this nechan (Konoka) are into the magic thing. You’ve got a spark about you, kid. So how about we find out? But first we’ll need to find you a partner…Hmm…There’s really only Evangeline and Konoka-nechan…”

Kimihiro held up his hands, trying to slow time. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, what’s this ‘partner’ stuff?! I’m only fourteen, no way I can get hitched like that! My parents would freak!”

“No, you’ve got the wrong idea! Aniki here already has a few partners! You’re too young for anything to be permanent anyway. But getting a partner will help awaken your abilities. And besides, you get to lock lips with one of the hot little nechans around here to do the pactio- GAK!”

“Watch it, vermin ermine!” Asuna snarled, squashing poor Chamo. “Kimi-kun is a normal guy, why are you trying to drag him into this?!”

“I want to help.”

Kimihiro spoke up forcefully. “I want to be of help to you. All of you. Besides, I do other things. I’m a trained martial artist, ranked in four arts. I’m not sure how, but would that be of some use to you?”

“Oh, like Set-chan! Aww, c’mon Negi-kun, let him give you a kiss!” Konoka cheered in her own, somewhat ditzy way.

“WHAT?!” Kimihiro and Negi shouted in unison. “THERE’S NO FREAKIN’ WAY!!!”

Chamo had planned for this, however. “How about you, nechan? (Konoka) Why don’t YOU do the pactio? You’re a powerful mage yourself, you know?”

“Yeah, but Set-chan might not like it…” Konoka fretted, thinking of her sword-wielding friend.

“It’s not fair to Konoka-san anyway,” Kimihiro pointed out. “She could do a whole heck of a lot better than me for a partner anyway. Is there some other way to test my magical ability?”

“Sounds like someone shy about getting kissed…” Chamo began to tease Kimihiro. “You’re droolin’ all over these nechans, but you won’t get the guts up to talk to any of them! You’re scared of ‘em, I bet!”

“You’re right! But, c’mon Chamo-san, I’m new. And besides, there are thirty-one good looking girls in class. I’m one average guy. I mean, do I aim for gallant Ayaka-san? Tough Sakurazaki-san? Temperamental Hasegawa-san? And besides, no WAY they’d like me! I’m just some lame exchange student!”

Negi put his mind to work on the problem, while voicing something else aloud. “Well then, Kimihiro-san, we need to find you a place to live. I’m not sure what the Dean would do with you, seeing as this IS an all-girl’s school and dorm. I’m something of a special case.”

Kimihiro shrugged. “I’m not really worried. Crime is way down in Japan compared to the States. I could always take up McDowell-san on her offer. She said that rent was a ‘bite on the neck per night’, but she had to be kidding, right?”

Seeing the looks on the other’s face, Kimihiro assumed they weren’t.

“Ugh, Negi, why don’t you just teach him something to see if he can do it?” Asuna grumbled.

Kimihiro’s mind was elsewhere. “Say, Negi-sensei, do you know of any dojos around here? I don’t want my sword work to get rusty.”

Chamo’s mind worked in strange, perverted ways. When he thought of ‘swords’, he immediately pictured Setsuna Sakurazaki.

“I’ve got it! Aniki, you and Konoka-nechan go out on a date! And you, Kimihiro-niisan, go out with Setsuna-nechan! But we’ll start things off with Konoka-nechan and Setsuna-nechan going out together! Then Aniki and Kimihiro-niisan show up and just kind of ‘pair off’! It’s freakin’ perfect!”

“Hold it, pervin’ ermine! Have you asked anyone who’s actually involved?!” Asuna picked Chamo up and held him face to face with her.

“My apologies, Anesan. Did YOU want first dibs on the new guy?”

Konoka giggled. “I don’t mind. Set-chan won’t kill Negi OR me. And Kimi-kun, once she gets to know you, she’ll fall in love with you! I don’t think Set-chan made any friends who use swords! You two can practice together!”

“I’m fine with it,” Negi added happily. “You and Setsuna-san are both loners, it seems. It’s my duty as your teacher to help keep that kind of behavior to a minimum to foster your growth, after all.”

“Hold on!” Kimihiro protested, his arms crossed across his chest in protest. “No way! That’s totally not right! You shouldn’t trick Sakurazaki-san into going out with me! Besides, it sounds more like a date than one of these pactio-thingies!”

Asuna had been thinking about this, and it made sense for Setsuna to be the one to talk to this guy. It was obvious from his reaction that he had at least noticed her. Out of curiosity, Asuna asked: “Hey, Kimi-kun, name the girls in class you like.”

Kimihiro didn’t have to think long. “Let’s see…Ayaka-san, you Asuna-san, you too Konoka-san, Sasaki-san, Uh, tall swimmer-san, Tatsumiya-san, Hasegawa-san, Sakurazaki-san, Rainyday-san., uh…”

“Just as I thought,” Asuna said, nodding to herself as if confirming something. She pointed at Kimihiro dynamically. “You, like most men, are brain-dead! You like EVERYONE!”

“Give me more time to make enemies, Asuna-san! Besides, you were on the list! I’m no Takahata-sensei, but-”

“Oh, bad move niisan! That’s one of her trigger words!” Chamo winced.

Asuna said a single word. “Adeat!” In her hand appeared a huge harisen (paper fan) She used it to smack Kimihiro multiple times!

“Takahata-sensei (Smack) is perfection (Smack), runt! He should be what you want to be! Tall (Smack), charming (Smack), handsome (Smack)…gah, so hot!”

Kimihiro covered up as the fan smacked him again and again. But by now, everyone was laughing.

“I think we’ve initiated him into the group now,” Asuna exclaimed happily, helping Kimihiro up by grabbing him by the tie. She sized him up for a moment. “Huh…You know what…Negi’s magic…Negi, make him look like Takahata-sensei! So I can practice confessing my love!”

Kimihiro backed away slowly. “You could do better for practice than me, Asuna-san. Besides, I should get some sleep. With work tomorrow and all…”

“Where are you going to sleep? Ah, screw it! Just once, though… Konoka, we have extra blankets, right?” Asuna turned to Kimihiro, a finger in his face. “You’re staying here tonight, got it? But if you do ANYTHING perverted, I swear that I will neuter you. And there won’t be anything left to magically re-attach. Get my drift?! In the morning, maybe we can find you a permanent place. Negi, which rooms only have two people?”

Negi looked in his notes. “Well, Makie-san and Ako-san are the only two in a three person room…”

“Oh, the nurse and the pink-haired girl with those ribbon-thingys?” Kimihiro asked. Makie-san is pretty cute. She’s totally into Negi-sensei, though. And Ako-san is into Negi-sensei’s cousin.
Guess I can forget about any steamy flings…

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