Fortunes of a Feather

Good, but a little hard for me to read. Not for complexity, but for structure. What I mean is that the entire thing is one long paragraph!
You should start a new paragraph when someone new speaks, just as a matter of form. Like:
"Well," she said, "blah, blah!" Hitomi felt angst tug at her heartstrings.
"No!" cried Van, as he plummeted to his doom, "Let us sing the Doom Song!" The wind whistled merrily about him as the rocks came up to greet him.
It also serves to break up the story, making it easier to read, and letting you find your place again more quickly if you should happen to blink for an extra-long period of time.
If the same person speaks again before someone else does, you don't have to start a new paragraph, unless it starts a whole new subject, or train of thought.
I hope this doesn't sound nasty, it isn't meant to be. Just as you know art, I know a bit about writing.

It seems you have a really solid plotline here going! I commend you! The description is really amazing, you use it more than dialogue. I'm the other way around, using dialogue more than clever description. Yepies, this one is something cool too.

I hope I wasn't to harsh on the Sakura one again...I apologize! This one is really good too!

Wai! So anyways, yeah, you really do have a lot of talent in the field of writing fanfictions too!

What's the translation for the song? Other than that, another good chapter! Really pretty lyrics too, even if I don't know what the words mean.

Good second chapter too! Really good writing on this story in general!
*giggles*
This is drawing me in little by little...not as much as the Sakura one but still...

Good chapter! Well developed paragraphs and a plotline that seems decent. Onto chapter 2!